The thorny question of the mother-in-law

[Mytwopenceworth]

Been reading so many threads about terrible mothers-in-law and it got me thinking - why is it that so many seem to have a troubled relationship. With the exception of the out and out nutters (I've read a few threads where it sounds like the old trout needs a straight jacket!), I'm assuming that these are people who function day to day in the 'sane' world! So. What is it about the in-law relationship that is so hard?

Is it a power struggle between the mum and the wife? Mum not wanting to let her 'little soldier' go? Wife wanting mil to know that she comes first now and mil must take a back seat - son has formed his own family and his mum has been downgraded to 'extended family'?

Is it something to do with the mother-son relationship, because it seems that many more women have a problem with a mad mil than men do?

Are people less tolerant of the in-laws than their own blood relatives and want to have a sort of family order where their blood relatives are 'higher' than their in-laws?

Do mothers of sons find it harder to let go than mothers of daughters?

I think of my sons and their future and I hope they find someone who loves them. If they are lucky enough to find somebody who loves them I can tell you now that person will not get any trouble from me. Anyone who loves my child and makes my child happy will be my new best friend and I can't understand any mother not feeling that way, or feeling somehow in competition with the dil.

Surely the point of having a child is to guide them and raise them and help them to get to a point when they don't need you any more (iyswim) and so, if you did your job properly, you should trust that the choices they make will be right for them and you should respect their choice and be happy that they are loved.

It's just weird to be a cow to someone who loves your child and makes your child happy and it seems a very selfish way to behave (and a bit Freudian - if you get my drift!!!!!!!!!)

I have a wonderful relationship with my mil......

She's been dead 7 years, oops. Sorry no offence meant.

I think a lot of it comes out when grandchildren are involved, as the mother of the father of the children (Paternal grandmother) will not be anything like as involved with them as the mother of the mother of the children (maternal grandmother).

so the paternal grandmother feels an urge to get to the children by fair means or foul, and I think women with only sons are guiltier of this, as they will never be a maternal grandmother.

I know that because my MIL was treated as the unpaid servant by her dh and his mother she thinks she should be no 1 and wives about 5th place. In fact wives should KNOW their place and use the tradesman's entrance and stay in the kitchen waiting on the husbands needs and hers. In order to get any attention she talks endlessly about her ailments. I hope I don't end up like this.

my first Mil was the type who needed a strait jacket, my second and present oone is lovely, but I set out form the begining to make her a 'friend', asked her out for lunch, invited her shopping, nipped round.

We have quite a good relationship, she's not perfect and I'm sure she could find fault with me, but she was very accepting of me in the begining which meant a lot. I know that a divorced mother of three who is 10 years older than him is not what she would have planned for her youngest son! It probably helps that dh and I don't have children tho', then things may be differnt.

becuase no slutslag is good enough fo my sons.

My MIL is really quite nice. She is always worried that I don't like her and keeps buying me extravagant presents (just as well as dh would never dream of buying me something as flippant as diamonds). She is great with ds although she spoils him rotten too. She has a much more difficult relationship with dh who blames her for not being there for him when he was young (long story) and is frequently really angry with her over small things.

I think it is interesting that so many of these MILs have such poor communication with their grown sons.

I have two boys, and I fear what sort of MIL I will be. I will have to focus on taking deep breaths and trying to be reasonable.

I already am not that thrilled with DS1's current fiance. (I liked the one before her better.) He is only three.

I think it might be because DIL's in general make no effort to befriend their MIL or to show them any kind of respect

For me it seems to be a lot about the fact that my MIL can't cope with the fact that ds is half from my side as well as her descendant. She is forever saying things that make it clear that I am little more than a walking womb for her grandchildren as far as she is concerned.

To some extent I have some sympathy with the basic issue - it must be a strange feeling to share something as important as a grandchild with someone who you didn't choose and who you might not even like.

But in the case of my MIL (she is the one who sulked because we didn't call ds Gerard if anyone has followed my other threads) I don't feel she even tries, so my sympathy ran dry long ago.

NQC do you have a picture of her? Please have one to hand to show round when he visits with his wife (in 30 yrs time) as my MIL did. It really makes your dil feel welcome and she'll love you for it

Twiglett - or maybe because some women are too close to their own mother and feel she has more 'right' over the grandchildren than the fathers mother?

Feel guilty now, cos I've made a joke on my own serious discussion thread.

that could be

or there is always that to gain adulthood we sometimes need to prove we are capable and know everythign so when the older generation try to help we see it as meddling and close down and get offended

My MIL's problem is almost certainly jealousy. I have what she once had, doesn't have anymore, and wants back. I have a husband and she doesn't, I have a home I like and she doesn't, I have interests that I can still enjoy and she doesn't, I have a child who still thinks that I'm the most important thing in the universe and she doesn't. She also feels redundant in that her input as far as my dh, dd and home isn't always acted on - she thinks that if I were any kind of a wife and mother I would do things her way, and feels snubbed when I don't.

She resents the fact that my name is Mrs XXX because she is the "real" Mrs XXX. Part of that resentment is unhappiness because she no longer has Mr XXX in her life. She also resents the fact that in order to become Mrs XXX I have now taken a position of more importance in dh's life than she has, and she's been pushed one place over by dd's arrival too.

I think it's because she feels that everything she has enjoyed doing is in the past (raising children, walking and cycling everywhere, running an efficient home, teaching her children) and although she can't have those things back, I have got them. She would like to impose her views and values onto me as well, but I'm a different person and do things differently - and she can't understand that.

And apart from all that she's barking mad, which doesn't help matters in the slightest.

i dont think it my case its will be a jealousy over not being primary granny as paternal granny. as i dont partic want them to bring their slimy kids around.

dont know what it is but she will have to be super special

not worried about dd - becuase she is more sensible and i have no problems with getting her potential dh on the side and telling him if shes not treated like a queen i am going to knee cap him - however with women this is different

I am lucky in that my MIL is ace. She would do anything for us.

Agree with what Twiglett said about the trying to help/interferring misunderstanding type stuff.

As an example - She and FIL came down to stay for a few days and help us decorate and spruce the house us ready to get it up for sale while me and dh were at work. As soon as she arrived (tea time) she went straight to the kitchen with her bread buns and made everyone butties.
From reading some of the threads on here, I suspect some people would immediately take offence along the lines of "does she think I'm incapable of feeding them myself". Personally I just enjoyed the fact that I didn't have to start making tea after a full day at work.
She wasn't trying to imply I wasn't capable, she was just trying to help.

Obviously I'm not trying to say this is always the case, some MIL's are real-life nightmares and I consider myself lucky not to have one of them.

I wish my MIL would get involved in that way, Piggiesmum. But the only time she has ever prepared a meal for us, there was food for everyone except me, as "I didn't know what you wanted to eat, dear" (despite the fact I was never more than a few feet away). The woman told me on my wedding day that she was going to be the worst MIL I could ever wish for - there's no mistaking the sentiment behind that.

Oh but WWB, how can you not love someone who gave you 34 metres (?feet) of knicker elastic for christmas?

snurk ... forgot all about that

WWB your MIL makes you a more interesting and well-rounded person by giving you fabulous 'dining out' stories ROFL

I could cope with being slightly less rounded as a person, and having slightly less entertaining dining-out stories if it would mean I had a slightly less barking and slightly nicer MIL, to be honest!

my mil has never bothered to make an effort - there were no misunderstandings she made sure of that. I was treated as a temporary interloper, digs, inferences, sly comments. The behaviour did not change once she realised I was here to stay. She felt it her right to subject me to racism, sexism and snobbery - without remorse. I once addressed her behaviour with her, in an attempt, after dd1 was born to clear the air. My reward was to told I was sick in the head and clearly dellusional. At that point I told her that I wanted nothing more to do with her, dh was as much support as a wet tissue - his defence being that she was from a village and had never moved very far - I guess that makes it ok then! cleary all village dweller are like this!!! The truth is that she has always been self centered, having made sure she got what she wanted financially from dh1 & 2, she then moved on to her friends husband - (classy lady so in a position to judge) what she cant stand is the though of someone like herself with her ds, would be my best guess. I have allowed her to have contact with her grandchildren as I dont want them to be punished for her wrong doings. The basis was that she abided by our rules for your children and that I did not have to listen to her opinions etc about what we are doing to bring up our children. The last time she came to stay she tried to justify why ds was playing with a deflated balloon!!! (I had simply asked dh why ds was sucking a deflated balloon, having just entered the room)....The list goes on - I'm a weirdo for not wanting 3 month baby in midday sub with no suncream, etc...Each time I let rip, but she just cant help herself. Evil to the core.

I'll be honest and say I don't like my ILs. But I think the problem comes that different people have differnt ways of doing things, and quite simply it irrates if its not your way!

I don't like the way my Ils do things; In my family, everyone helps each other out, and we all muck in and spend time as a family, making sure no-one is excluded. In Dh's family, everyone is out for themselves (will never offer to help out, and have to be asked...) They do what they like (so would buy a gift for DD that they like, rather than something DD would like) and that irritates me. I think I'm less forgiving to them than my family, who have their own faults, but I forgive because I actually like them as people.

Sometimes, I think it can be dammed if you do and dammed if you don't but every MIL have got to make their own relationship with their DILs... and if your conscious to make a good one, then you will. Whereas my MIL doesn't like me, and I don't like her... so we just don't see each other and that keeps me happy (but not her, cause DH can never be bothered to arrange to see them by himself!)