The thorny question of the mother-in-law

[Mytwopenceworth]

Been reading so many threads about terrible mothers-in-law and it got me thinking - why is it that so many seem to have a troubled relationship. With the exception of the out and out nutters (I've read a few threads where it sounds like the old trout needs a straight jacket!), I'm assuming that these are people who function day to day in the 'sane' world! So. What is it about the in-law relationship that is so hard?

Is it a power struggle between the mum and the wife? Mum not wanting to let her 'little soldier' go? Wife wanting mil to know that she comes first now and mil must take a back seat - son has formed his own family and his mum has been downgraded to 'extended family'?

Is it something to do with the mother-son relationship, because it seems that many more women have a problem with a mad mil than men do?

Are people less tolerant of the in-laws than their own blood relatives and want to have a sort of family order where their blood relatives are 'higher' than their in-laws?

Do mothers of sons find it harder to let go than mothers of daughters?

I think of my sons and their future and I hope they find someone who loves them. If they are lucky enough to find somebody who loves them I can tell you now that person will not get any trouble from me. Anyone who loves my child and makes my child happy will be my new best friend and I can't understand any mother not feeling that way, or feeling somehow in competition with the dil.

Surely the point of having a child is to guide them and raise them and help them to get to a point when they don't need you any more (iyswim) and so, if you did your job properly, you should trust that the choices they make will be right for them and you should respect their choice and be happy that they are loved.

It's just weird to be a cow to someone who loves your child and makes your child happy and it seems a very selfish way to behave (and a bit Freudian - if you get my drift!!!!!!!!!)

Well I for one shall remain always indebted to my MIL - she has taught me how to be the perfect MIL in the future. It's easy really, I just have to act the opposite of her. And whats more - my husband agrees with me

pmsl at this thread, particularly Ghostie's outrageous mil.

But in general, I think it's a case of bad communication. The buttie example is a good one - on a good day, I'd take that as a kind offer of help, on a bad day I'd take it as an interfering implication that I'm too incompetent to cope with domestic catering. Depending of course, on the relationship I had with the MIL.

And there's the crux of it - the problem with it, is that it's a relationship which is imposed on both sides, and so therefore has an inbuilt potential hostility that may have to be overcome for both parties. Just like with a close colleague in an office - you didn't choose them or have any say in whether they sit next to you or not, but for the sake of your career, you're going to have to make damn sure you try and build up as good a relationship with them as possible. And unlike a job, you can't decide that sod it, it's too much like hard work , you're going to opt out altogether and look for a new company (although in fact, a DIL does just about have this option - a MIL in particular has to make it work because she can't go looking for a new family).

And unlike with a colleague, there's the emotional dimension which makes every bit of bad communication oh so much worse. In some families, it's quite a primal struggle for control of the man and by extension, the next generation of the family (in terms of their values etc.); and the short term power lies with the DIL. The longer term power if the mother / son relationship has been good and the DIL doesn't play her cards right, is with the MIL.

Fascinating subject, mtpw.

I must be one of the lucky few, I get on really well with MIL and after a frosty start quite well with SIL as well. Still have the odd problem with FIL though. DH's family will do as anything to help and are really thoughtfull. I have a better relationship with them than he has with my mother who was telling me on my wedding day that I didn't have to go through with this if I didn't want to, there are plenty of better men out there!!!! Needless to say I told her to mind her own business. She mellowed towards him after DD came along but things have never been easy between them.

Do you not think though that the dynamics of the MIl relationship is differernt for men and women?

My dh, and other men I know do not make such an effort to be involved with the mums of their wives/partners. My dh would never call my Mum for a chat or pop round for a coffee. He visits her with me, and it is not a very deep realtionship. However, us women throw ourselves into our parthers/dhs lives from the begginning, trying to get on with his mum, meeting for coffee/lunch, shopping trips often without our men. We choose theire christmas presents, send them cards etc etc. Maybe, if we weren't as involved we wouldn't have these difficult relationships?

i make an effort with my MIL - invite her round for dinner, remind DH of her birthday, invite her on holidays with us, ring her up when i know she is upset etc etc etc

she is a great grandmother and tries to be friendly

however, and it's a big however, she believes that her way is the only way - so yes, she is nice to me and makes an effort, and yes, i am nice to her and make an effort, but it doesn't change the underlying judgment under ALL her comments about the way we are bringing up our son
drive me NUTS

eg.

on breastfeeding when DS was 12 weeks old "oh .... are you STILL doing THAT dear"

on breastfeeding DS at 16 weeks when he was diagnosed with reflux "well, it's your breastmilk dear - it's making him sick - otherwise there's nothing wrong with him"

on him no giving a toy at 16 months of age to a 5 year old cousin "well, your son started the argument - you haven't taught him to share"

on me "you should make more of an effort dear - you look passable when you put on some make up and do your hair"

on my choice of paint for the kitchen "well, it's not my taste - its a bit dull - but I guess it reflects your personality"

so, for those who believe that it is some power struggle - not for me its not - she's just a matriachial old cow that i will continue to be nice to and not say bad things about to my husband or in front of my son

with my mil it is all about control and status. She treats her children as children not adults.
She sees me as competition and probably views me as inferior in terms of a wife and mother and not really worthy of her son - tough, he is mine!
she is too lazy, uninterested and selfish to be a good grandmother - she expects the kids to play quietly at her feet, not talk through her endless tv soap watching and kiss her on demand....grrrrrrr

I'm one of the lucky ones too. My MIL is lovely. When I married dh she told me how pleased she was to have a new person in the family. When she sees ds1 and ds2 she makes a point of telling us that we've done a really good job of bringing them up. OTOH I really don't get on very well with my own family so it probably all evens out in the end.