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Original poster

Kids not having birthday parties

86 replies

jenkel · 25/08/2005 13:47

Ok, I'll probably get my head bitten off by writing this by somebody on here but here goes.

My dd has just turned 3 and we had a lovely large party in the garden, about 8 3 year olds, the siblings and mums and dads. It was a lovely day and my dd really enjoyed herself. We have had a party for her every year and couldnt imagine not doing that. We even had a smaller party for her sister in Feb, smaller as it had to be inside but we still had a lovely day.

My 3 year old is a part of a group of other 3 year olds and we seen each other quite a lot, a couple of them have never held a birthday party in all the 3 years, but they are quite happy to go to all the others. This really annoys me, firstly I feel sorry of the child that hasnt had a birthday party and I think its a cheek to go to all the others. I wouldnt ever not invite the child but why do parents to this. Yes birthday parties for toddlers are hard work and they can be expensive but you dont need to do it expensiveley, what do you others think?

OP posts:
moniker · 25/08/2005 14:25

It's a problem we've just encountered with our DSs birthdays. Not many people we know seem to have parties, and both DSs this year (6 and 4) wanted to go bowling as their treat. TBH I tend to think of parties as 'one-offs' really - you get invited and in return take a small present and hopefully everyone's happy with that on that particular day. You just have to do what suits you - DS1 had a party last year and invited 12 friends - only 1 of which then went on to have a party themselves. That's fine with me - I think maybe I'd be peeved if a child who went to my son's party didn't return the invite if they then did have a party - but then their friends can change so much in just a few months that it's bound to be a bit tricky sometimes.

fqueenzebra · 25/08/2005 14:32

Hey Jenkel, I invite kids around for after school playdates. Usually the mothers ignore my repeated invites. With some badgering, I eventually get a child to come. They have a good time.

About 33% of the time my son gets a reciprocal invite back (he gets to go to the other child's house). So... 67% of the time, there's no recipricated hospitality, if that's what's bothering you. So, for better or worse, I would find your experience pretty normal/typical.

Original poster
jenkel · 25/08/2005 14:38

Ok, fqueenzebera I guess I have to accept this. I do accept it really, just deep down think its a bit rude. But it wont stop us from having lovely parties and kids round to play and I guess thats the main thing.

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Windermere · 25/08/2005 14:51

I agree with nutcracker. Ds just turned 1 and I threw a big family party for him at a wildlife park, I love parties and I am sure we will have a party evry year but that does not mean that I expect everyone else to have parties and to invite ds. Parties (even low key ones) are expensive and not everyone can afford it, 3 is young and as nutcracker said most kids don't have them until they are at school. I don't mean to have a go but is this sort of view that puts pressure on parents and children.

Original poster
jenkel · 25/08/2005 14:54

I am a Parent to you know, if families cant afford birthday cake then I feel very sorry for them. Parties dont have to be expensive, you can just have kids around to play with a piece of birthday cake. And I have been to parties like that and they have been lovely.

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colditz · 25/08/2005 15:00

Why feel sorry for them Jenkel?

From my experience of 3 year olds, as long as they have a good time, it doesn't matter whether it follows the formula of a birthday party.

6 year olds are a completely different kettle of fish.....

Windermere · 25/08/2005 15:00

I'm not so sure that playing with a piece of cake would be much fun but I know what you mean, when I was little parties most of the parties I went to were much simpler affairs.

Pagan · 25/08/2005 15:01

Perhaps look at it from the other parents point of view (and I'm just being devil's advocat here). Imagine if they found out that you thought it was rude. They may be horrified to think that they are expected to invite you back and are not just there to celebrate the birthday so they might decline any future invites so they don't offend you therefore your children are left to have parties by themselves.

I never had a party when I was a child coz a. by mother didn't want the hassle and b. it was always at a rotten time (4th January). Now that I'm a parent myself I can understand the hassle part. The only party DD has attended was a 1 year old's party who was a relative. There must've been around 50 people crammed into a small house. What few children there were couldn't get playing properly. The adults could hardly move never mind get chatting to each other. TBH I was glad to leave coz I don't do crowds too well.

Original poster
jenkel · 25/08/2005 15:05

yeah, 'parties' have got a little out of hand, we just put loads of toys in the garden and do party food, dont even bother with games/party bags etc. so really its just a glorified play session with food, this is why I dont understand why other people cant do it. This is a group of children that have been going to each others houses since they were born, 6 out of the group have parties like I described above and 2 have never had one. To be honest its the same children that go to each one, they are now all good friends as they have seen so much of each other since they were born.

OP posts:
Pagan · 25/08/2005 15:06

Why don't you ask the parents why they've not had one?

caligula · 25/08/2005 15:08

I don't think you need to feel sorry for kids who don't have birthday parties, particularly under about the age of 4. The peer group pressure to have them doesn't start until they're at school imo.

I don't think it's a cheek to go to something to which you're invited. I think it would be a bloody big cheek if you gatecrashed.

I usually like doing parties as well, but I wouldn't expect someone else to do them in return. If it's not their bag, it's not their bag. I really don't see why I should put them through hell just so that they can do something I happen to enjoy doing.

Original poster
jenkel · 25/08/2005 15:09

1 child doesnt like 'crowds', which I think is rubbish as she goes to everybody else's crowded party, if she really didnt like crowds you wouldnt send her to a party, and I dont know about the other one. I do understand about winter parties, a lot of mess, hassle if your all in doors. But all of these August/July.

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aloha · 25/08/2005 15:14

Could anyone with views on birthday parties for a child of four please add their thoughts to my 'more party angst' thread, pretty please

ZoeC · 25/08/2005 15:26

Would you prefer the chidren whose parents choose not to have a party to not come? I am not having a party for dd1 this year, my choice. Should I therefore turn down any and all invitations she might get during the year?

Original poster
jenkel · 25/08/2005 15:33

No ZoeC, if you read my posts you would see that I stated that I would never not invite any children and I would not want any child to stay away. I just cant see why the paretns cant have a few children around to play and share birthday cake or something similar. I dont expect big parties, just something small would be just as good, possibly better at this age.

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ZoeC · 25/08/2005 15:36

So really you think I am wrong in not having a party in the first place? I can't believe that on top of everything else mums get judged for, whether or not they want to have a party is now another.

gscrym · 25/08/2005 15:37

DS has been invited to loads of parties, has went to lots but we haven't had one for him. We always say if people want to come and see him on his birthday, they're always welcome and will be supplied with a cup of tea and whatever sugar laden cake he picks (he's 3 by the way). By the same token, we always give a gift whether DS goes to a party he's invited to or not, even if it's kids we don't know (at childminder). I want to wait till he goes to school till he has a party.
Now I wonder whether the other parents think we are rude for not having parties for him.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2005 15:38

Haven't had one yet, just small family gatherings. We don't have a garden and very little money. Maybe those families that don't have them can't afford them or live in small flats w/no gardens that don't allow for garden parties.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2005 15:40

I was forced to have parties till I was 8 and I hated every one. I didn't like feeling 'onstage' and found it embarrassing. I was SO relieved when my dad asked me if I'd rather have a short holiday for my 8th instead of a party. YES!

Original poster
jenkel · 25/08/2005 15:41

Calm down ZoeC, I'm not judging you. You have every right to do whatever you want, I am allowed to feel the way I do so are you. We just have to accept everybody is different, I voiced my opinion, you voiced yours. It seems like the whole planet disagrees with what I say, so think yourself lucky that you are in the majority.

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Pinotmum · 25/08/2005 15:41

My dd will have her first proper party this October when she will be 5 yo!! If she had been a summer baby she would have had one earlier. I don't intend to have a party every year though.

Fio2 · 25/08/2005 15:43

zoec you little minx

ZoeC · 25/08/2005 15:46

I'm perfectly calm thanks. I just had no idea I might be judged for not having parties for my dd, and that I might have to have a valid reason for my decision. I could have one, just don't see it as an automatic 'have birthday, have party' thing. I had one party as a child, and it was a big thing as it was a one off, and I remember it distinctly because of that. Other years we would go out for the day or something similar.

Pagan · 25/08/2005 15:46

I think throughout life there are always those houses who 'have people round' and those who don't. It just kind of happens. My SIL cooks for the multitude because she loves to and has lots of folk in and out of her house all the time. I would be terrified by the prospect and so by osmosis, few people come round - perhaps they pick up the vibes I don't know. But it's the same with adult parties. Some of my pals are always having them but I've had about 3 in my lifetime and each was nervewracking. No-one bothers - it's just one of those things

Libra · 25/08/2005 15:46

OK. I loathe parties. I don't like doing them at all. Was ecstatic when DS1 got too old for them - used to dread the idea of organising a party from about Xmas to his birthday in May. DS2 was born at Xmas so I am hoping that lets me out. I work full time so know very few of the mums in the village and have not had good party experiences at all. Yes, if DS2 wants one he'll have to have one but I really do dread it. I am happy to have children to our house of course and we have lots of friends over for tea and playdates, but parties absolutely terrify me. So maybe there are reasons why some people don't have parties for their children.