Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Shocking family skeletons- need to offload

49 replies

sadtobewritingthis · 03/08/2010 09:19

I've namechanged for this, and it's my first personal thread so I wish it was shorter and a bit less murky.

A brief history. My father, henceforth referred to as ThatMan (TM) was a bullying pig who my sis and I went to live with when I was 9, after my mum had another baby and couldn't cope financially.
TM was married to a witch of a woman who had her teenagers still at home and another DD she'd lost contact with. We all moved North after a while and over the following couple of years we lived a very nervous repressed life with a pair of bullies. At some point TM began abusing my younger sister

Moved back South when I was 13. TM ended up with (previously estranged) eldest daughter (SM#2) of the witch and went onto have another child. My sis told her about the abuse when she was pregnant, TM denied everything and sis was sent to live elsewhere. When I was 17, SM#2 and I discussed allegations and I told her TM had tried it with me once. I didn't see the point of speaking up at the time as they didn't believe sis, something I still feel guilty about.
She threw him out the same day. He returned drunk the following night, tried to attack her. She fled with the kids to her SIL, my bf collected me and I've not seen him since.

Nearly 30 years later, back in touch with my mum courtesy of the Salvation Army after a 13 year void and have close relationship with all sisters.
Sis just got in touch with a friend/neighbour from the bad days via FB. Met him for a drink and was told that after we moved, TM came back up a couple of times to clear house. At some point then, he visited friends home and tried to force himself on friends mother . He and his brother had to pull TM off apparently.

I had many years of counselling to get over the shit we have survived, but this has really knocked me sideways. We knew TM was a monster but this is beyond the pale.
There's much more to this but I could probably write a book which would promptly be added to the fiction section; nobody would believe it as true.
It has sullied a chink of light from a very dark past life, and although I know it's irrational, a part of me feels ashamed.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

OP posts:
DetectivePotato · 03/08/2010 10:20

How awful!!!!

If he is still trying to force himself on women now, could you not go to the police and explain his history? He clearly is still a danger and a horrible horrible man who does not deserve to be walking the streets. Others he has done this to may be willing to speak up if it means protecting others, plus there was the 2 witnesses who had to pull him off the friends mother.

Have you had counselling? It sounds like you really need to talk about it?

ZZZenAgain · 03/08/2010 10:27

"It has sullied a chink of light from a very dark past life"

becasue now people outside of the family know what he is like? That doesn't sully anything that was not sullied already.

You and your sisters are the light in this and you are not sullied. He sounds like a horrible violent man. Hold your head up high all of you to have come through this and stayed decent people and I think it is great that you 3 are close. Well done all of you.

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 03/08/2010 17:20

Thank you both.
I contacted SS for the area he lived in when I was going through counselling the first time (about 15 years ago). They made several attempts to speak to him about 'my allegations' of abuse of my sis. (She refused to make a statement and has pretty much buried it as best she can.) After he cancelled several appointments, they wrote to him saying they would leave the allegations on file and that if his name cropped up again the file would be revived. Not very satisfactory but they seemed to think that the fact that he knew we had spoken out would probably deter him
Zzen, I hadn't thought of it quite like that but I guess you are right.
The part that was sullied for me was the fact that we could not just enjoy seeing an old friend again as we now know TM has also hurt his family IYSWIM.

OP posts:
DetectivePotato · 03/08/2010 18:49

I would ask this family friend if she would be willing to go to the police about him. If the police delve they may see that SS have it on record about what was said before.

Gigantaur · 03/08/2010 18:56

don't feel sullied. or guilty or bad in any way shape or form.

This man is nothing to do with you. His actions are no reflection on you or your sisters.

It is astounding that you have managed to emerge from that situation as the well rounded person you are today. Take pride in the fact that you have survived into adulthood despite the attempts of this man to ruin any chances of having any type of decent mental health.

Your old friend has just confirmed that you wee right to cease contact with this man. he is a violant and aggressive sexual predator. he has no right to a place in your life.

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 03/08/2010 19:57

The irony is that you would never have guessed; he was the good Catholic 'pillar of the community' type. Is in his 70's assuming he's still alive. I believe in karma so he will get his just desserts eventually.
My sisters are amazing (there's a 3rd from mums 2nd marriage). The shit keeps coming from time to time but we deal with it somehow and prop each other up.
I finished 8 years of counselling last spring and this is the first time I've momentarily wished I could go back . My counsellor was neutral and professional throughout but told me on my last session that she admired me greatly for my ability to survive, insist on learning something from every piece of crap that hit me and not become bitter. As she knew more than anyone else, I took that as a great compliment .
People say I'm strong but I don't always feel it. I do feel slightly weakened by this revelation and I'm trying to work out why.
I hope no-one here is too upset by this thread, it's just occurred to me how shocking it is now that I've seen my past in black and white.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 03/08/2010 20:05

Well, if it matters at all, I think you should be very proud of yourself for surviving the relationship you had as a child with this bastard. And you have nothing at all to be ashamed of. I hope your sister is doing ok

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 03/08/2010 20:21

In some ways I am very proud, but am terrified I will pass on some of the effects of my damaged past to my dcs. My logical brain tells me that I've nothing to be ashamed of Chickens (love the name btw) but the emotional side is not so sensible.
I worry about sis always. On the surface, she has a good job and social life with many friends but she can never be truly happy. See my reply here for an insight into what else we are dealing with

OP posts:
Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 03/08/2010 21:19

bump

OP posts:
Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 04/08/2010 20:19

Anyone out there?

OP posts:
Coca · 04/08/2010 20:24

Hi sorry didn't want to leave you hanging. You are obviously going through a hell of a lot.

Coca · 04/08/2010 20:25

Have you spoken to the neighbour/friend about going to the police?

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 04/08/2010 20:36

Thanks coca. Not sure why I feel so fragile about this now, it's very confusing.
She didn't go to the Police at the time, and apparently wouldn't want to rake it up after so long. Her son (our friend) just thought we had a right to know.
AFAIK TM never had a criminal record but he must have had the luck of the devil to not get charged with anything, I wonder if he committed even more abominable acts.
I am not a vindictive person but I just hope he dies a slow painful death

OP posts:
Aitch · 04/08/2010 20:40

people always know more than they let on, it's one of the sad and shameful facts of abuse, especially back then. i'm so sorry that you've been through all this, and are now dealing with more repercussions. he sounds like a bad, bad man. i agree, though, that your good name is not sullied here, if anything the fact that he is known for this behaviour makes the fact that you are a functioning, decent person all the more impressive.

thing i always say to people is... if it was your friend, how would you feel? if it was your friend, sad, no doubt you'd be compassion itself.

Coca · 04/08/2010 20:40

I would in your position too. You are doing so well trying to get on with your life, you and your family deserve it. I'm a firm Karma believer too and he will get his. Even if it is realising on his lonely death bed that his actions have hurt so many people and he has contributed nothing positive to this world (aside from his dc of course)

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 04/08/2010 20:55

You're so right, I would feel desperately upset and compassionate for any friend dealing with my issues.

Am seeing two close RL friends tomorrow who will help me get some perspective on my feelings hopefully.
I am always a bit wary of sharing too much of my historical crap though, as I know it's pretty shocking for most people. That's why I went to counselling, it was too much for any other individual to cope with

I have always agreed with the quote by I don't know who that 'hate is too extreme an emotion to waste on someone you don't like' but at times TM could be the exception

OP posts:
Aitch · 04/08/2010 20:59

hold on to the kindness with which you would treat a friend in the same situation, it's what you deserve and will receive, i have no doubt.

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 04/08/2010 21:08

Told DH on Monday once I had got over the initial metaphorical punch in the stomach. Has said precisely nothing. Probably a good decision on his part tbh
Thanks Aitch.
Wish I could make sense of how I feel, my inner control freak is going nuts

OP posts:
Aitch · 04/08/2010 21:10

that's what inner control freaks are for...

can't you give your old coonsellor a buzz? sounds like you would benefit from a little brain tidying session.

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 04/08/2010 21:20

She is no longer available to me and I cannot imagine starting the whole shebang over again, it took ages last time.

You lovely people are definitely helping

I've never written any of it down before. It makes horrible reading but it's quite therapeutic in a weird way.
I am dot com

OP posts:
Aitch · 04/08/2010 21:54

i can totally see why you wouldn't want to start again. glad that mn is helping in some small way. bad people have a way of isolating us for longer than even they intended, don't they? (bastards)

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 04/08/2010 22:47

I hate the fact that he has any effect on me at all.
It used to infuriate me to talk about TM in counselling as I felt that was giving him some kind of power by intruding on my healing time.
Isolated is a very good description of my younger years
Glad to be able to let it out on here, it's really appreciated.
Sometimes I wish I could speak to someone who has 'been there' and understands, but then pray I never find anyone who's gone through the same mill.

OP posts:
Aitch · 04/08/2010 23:17

you sound like you have come very far in your healing, but have hit a wee setback with this. don't beat yourself up about it, he's a bad person who does bad things, and even though through this it feels like he's got to you again, he hasn't. he is the same bad guy he was yesterday and today and will be tomorrow, unfortunately for the world.

i haven't been through anything like this, i'm fortunate to say. but i have a friend, well, and ex-friend, who is still with a very abusive man and the way he works her over, well, you couldn't find a more sadistic mental torturer in guantanamo bay...

Aitch · 04/08/2010 23:18

an ex friend, not and.

Original poster
sadtobewritingthis · 04/08/2010 23:27

I hope your ex friend one day finds the way to escape. Many women (and children) don't.

There was no Childline when we were kids and I doubt I'd have had the courage to call even if it was.

A friends mum threatened to call SS as we weren't being fed properly either but I was so scared that I said I'd made it all up. Friend became ex friend and told everyone I was a liar in school.

Am so far away from there mentally now but yet it's so vivid
I try to focus on the positive but it's hard at the mo...

OP posts: