Shocking family skeletons- need to offload

[sadtobewritingthis]

I've namechanged for this, and it's my first personal thread so I wish it was shorter and a bit less murky.

A brief history. My father, henceforth referred to as ThatMan (TM) was a bullying pig who my sis and I went to live with when I was 9, after my mum had another baby and couldn't cope financially.
TM was married to a witch of a woman who had her teenagers still at home and another DD she'd lost contact with. We all moved North after a while and over the following couple of years we lived a very nervous repressed life with a pair of bullies. At some point TM began abusing my younger sister

Moved back South when I was 13. TM ended up with (previously estranged) eldest daughter (SM#2) of the witch and went onto have another child. My sis told her about the abuse when she was pregnant, TM denied everything and sis was sent to live elsewhere. When I was 17, SM#2 and I discussed allegations and I told her TM had tried it with me once. I didn't see the point of speaking up at the time as they didn't believe sis, something I still feel guilty about.
She threw him out the same day. He returned drunk the following night, tried to attack her. She fled with the kids to her SIL, my bf collected me and I've not seen him since.

Nearly 30 years later, back in touch with my mum courtesy of the Salvation Army after a 13 year void and have close relationship with all sisters.
Sis just got in touch with a friend/neighbour from the bad days via FB. Met him for a drink and was told that after we moved, TM came back up a couple of times to clear house. At some point then, he visited friends home and tried to force himself on friends mother . He and his brother had to pull TM off apparently.

I had many years of counselling to get over the shit we have survived, but this has really knocked me sideways. We knew TM was a monster but this is beyond the pale.
There's much more to this but I could probably write a book which would promptly be added to the fiction section; nobody would believe it as true.
It has sullied a chink of light from a very dark past life, and although I know it's irrational, a part of me feels ashamed.
Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

she won't ever, i don't think. she really loves him etc, very twisted situation tbh, he controls her but she thinks he doesn't because she rebels in these tiny ways that mean fuck all to him. silly, really, but damaging. the kids are well fed and she looks after them properly, but they see too much. probably shouldn't go into it, but no, she refuses to leave. hence the ex-friend.

i really hope you find your peace again. such a shame to let someone like that man rattle you when you're so far along.

How . I can totally understand why you walked away but she could do with friends like you.
I know I will find my peace, am a million times stronger than I was before. Just frustrated that it has been able to find a chink in my armour.
< chants repeatedly 'What doesn't kill me makes me stronger'>

oh no i didn't walk away. she ditched me when i did as i had always said i would do (and she had agreed with me) and reported the matter to social services. they got away scot free as he is top professional and very skilful manipulator (of course) and she was furious with me for having caused them hassle. like i say, her heid's mince.

and yyy to the chink. must be annoying. although i suppose the alternative is to go the other way and become too hard, which you don't want either. maybe a few chinks no bad thing for your quality of life, but just no good when life points them out to you?

Wow, that's deep. She is truly messed up. Her poor dcs

I have always been determined not to be either a permanent alcohol or drug dependent victim or brittle and bitter so I guess a few chinks have to be accepted in the scheme of things.
I shall try to sleep now- no mean feat at the moment- and see what tomorrow brings.
Thanks for your kind words Aitch.

you are most welcome. i hope you manage to get some rest. NONE of this reflects on you in any way, remember, other than to make it clear how impressive you are for coming out the other side.

sadtobewritingthis - I'm afraid I don't have any practical advice to offer, but I couldn't read this and not comment. I have a terrible biological father but nowhere near as bad as TM. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I wish I could give you a really big hug. I hope knowing this is of some support to you.

With love. x

I slept quite well and feel a bit better today. Had a good talk with my RL friends and a few angry tears.

As one of them put it, I'd finally sorted it all out, put it away and moved on and someone has come along and thrown more mess in for me to deal with

Thank you LLL

glad your friends were able to help.
you're not angry with the person who told you though, are you? it's your father whose the villain here. i suppose it's like one of those novels, you know, where the character can never quite escape her old life. perhaps true acceptance comes when you realise that you are who you are, no thanks to him, and that he has no power over you any more. sure, be upset because he hurt more people than you even thought, that's vile, but he cannot harm you any more, he's long gone in that respect.

Not at all angry with the past friend, it's not his fault and I guess he thought we had a right to know. If I was in his position, I couldn't not tell even though it must have been uncomfortable for him. I just hope his mum has got over it.

I came to terms with the fact that all my baggage makes me the decent person I am, a long time ago. So in some ways I wouldn't change the past, warped as that sounds (with the exception of what happened to sis of course).

It all appears so far fetched sometimes Aitch, that the novel analogy seems apt

yes, i know what you mean. how are you feeling today? a bit more rested?

Much, thank you. One of the friends I was out with has just txt to check on me too.

I feel comforted and reassured by the support I am receiving both in RL and from people such as yourself. It really makes a difference. Thank you.

I know that I would offer as much support without question if the boot was on the other foot, but reaching out/accepting it is a lot harder. I've spent so many years depending on no-one but myself that it's something I've had to learn to do. It still doesn't come naturally.

maaaaaaan, it's what makes the whole world go round, that give and take, that helping and being helped... don't go cutting yourself out of that, you daftie.

Whoops

just get it deleted, love. i never saw nuttin'.

Am trying to keep a sensible perspective on things and accept help/moral support when it's offered instead of automatically saying I'm ok when I'm clearly not.
Maybe it will get easier in time.
Have just accepted a paid for short break with a good friend after initially saying no as I couldn't afford it

good for you. if you'd do same for friend in same circs, i reckon, then accept away. do you keep a diary or anything? i was reading a book recently that said that diary keeping was worth its weight in gold in MH terms, more than counselling even, so long as it was done with the (scuse me while i barf a little) 'gratitude attitude' and remembered to sign off with one positive thing in an otherwise shitey day. v interesting, i thought.

Sorry I have no words of wisdom but wanted to let you know that your post has been read and to echo what has been said before - what happened is no reflection on you and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Aitch, I find something uncomfortable about writing a diary, not sure why. It almost feels like I'm invading my own privacy when I read it back yes I know I'm barking so I only use it for appointments etc.
at the phrase 'gratitude attitude', but the concept sounds interesting. Strangely enough I encouraged my youngest sis to keep one as she has had bouts of depression and is convinced nothing positive happens when she's on a downer. This is despite the fact she's done tons of exciting things and travelled the world.
Maybe I need to think about it again...
Thanks to you and LC, your words mean more than you realise.

even if you only note the thing you're grateful for it apparently has demonstrable, proveable benefits, people rate themselves as 'happier' to a substantial degree three months later. and also... smiling more, kid ye not, has same effect. even having a pencil between teeth kids brain on that you are smiling, then sends endorphins.
the book is here, it's really very funny and light but is, for once, scientifically creditable and just a collection of 'did you knows' as well as some tips for extrapolating the research for own ends. and less than four quid this week on amazon

Aitch is secretly married to Prof Wiseman methinks, but I may buy the book anyway as it does indeed look interesting
How long have you had the gratitude attitude then? Is it working for you?

no no, not my type, too gingery and geeky. dh bought book in airport thinking it was a crime novel, then we got stuck for two hours and did all the exercises, jolly good fun it was too. things like remembering to smile in order to feel happier have been really fun, actually. there's no harm in the book, it's absolutely not a self-help guru thing, it's a 'here's an amusing/surprising/counter-intuitive result from a bit of research on happiness' thing. i'd actually say it has helped me in a way, particularly with dh as we realised we are really rather compatible according to the tests, which makes you giggly and fond, and being giggly and fond makes you more compatible etc and so it goes.

Will definitely buy it now, curiosity will kill me otherwise...
The compatibility tests should be fun, I'm sure dh and I will fail them miserably, that's assuming he will even agree to participate