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Original poster

advice needed please about alcoholic canadian bil

48 replies

hercules · 21/08/2005 19:03

Dh's db is an alcoholic who has Canadian citizenship although is from Sri Lanka. He hasnt been in Canada for a few years and has 2 kids and ex wife there. He has paid no child support for at least 5 years. As soon as he reenters Canada he will be arrested for this.

He has been finacially supported by pil for this time and has travelled to several countries although uses UK as his base.

He is currently in the Ukraine staying with a girl he met in Prague and has been there for 2 weeks. She has phoned us to say she wants him out and he needs the money to leave.

He owes lots of money to various people already so we know we wont get this back but dont know what else to do. If we bring him back here he has to live with us again which is a nightmare for lots of reasons.

Does anyone know if there is anything we can do to have him forced back to Canada? We dont know what else to do. We've spoken to alanon and dh has been to a meeting and their advice is to virtually disown him until he seeks help.

Do you think that it is possible to report him to immigration so that when he reenters the UK he will be sent back to Canada? Will they do this?

Any other ideas?

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Twiglett · 21/08/2005 19:05

my gut feeling would be to say

don't send any money

make it clear he isn't welcome in your home

what does DH say?

moondog · 21/08/2005 19:06

Don't think so unfortunately.
Don't think it's your responsibilty to repatriate him either.

Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:09

Dh doesnt know what to do. The girl he is staying with has phoned us 5 times today to beg us to send the money.

The money isnt the issue, it's what we do with him.

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Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:10

The trouble is he has no where to go and no money. We wont have him back here unless he stops drinking and goes to aa. This wont happen though.

We dont know what to do.

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Twiglett · 21/08/2005 19:11

why can't she just chuck him out and let him sort himself out in the Ukraine??

is he a scary character (as well as a drunk)

Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:11

If he goes back to Canada hopefully he will be either imprisoned or do something to be imprisoned. That way they will force him to seek counselling.

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Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:12

he is very scary. He's beaten up every girlfriend he's ever had and she has a small child.

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tigermoth · 21/08/2005 19:13

asgree with twiglett. Don't send money, don't open your home to him. It looks like he has had enougth chances with you. Could your PIL phone his girlfriend to let her know more about his background and reassure her his family in England will understand if she throws him out. Check she is ok and not scared to do this - she might be in danger herself.

Or there is the possibility she is lying, she and this man are perfectly happy together but skint and this story is a joint attempt to get money out of you.

If you know you can get him sent back to canada by getting him back to England, then there is more reason to send him a plane ticket. I wouldn't sent money, though, just in case.

Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:13

He will not survive on his own there. He isnt mentally capable.

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Twiglett · 21/08/2005 19:13

ahh

there's a certain moral responsibility in being related to him then

maybe someone does have to bail him out (PIL??) but you don't have to offer him a bed

Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:15

Dh told her on the phone he has a drinking problem. He is violent towards women and she's only known him for 2 days before he came to stay. There is a language barrier and we think she didnt realise the extent of his problems.

He has a canadian passport and lots of money and probably seemed like a prince charming to her.

She is scared and we dont want him to stay with her.

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tigermoth · 21/08/2005 19:16

just seen the recent messages. If you can't get him repatriated to Canada, could you tell him you will always be willing to pay for his air ticket to Canada, so he can sort his life out there, but this is the only thing you are prepared to do now.

If he's beaten up so many women, really he has no place in your home. He's not fit to be living with your children by the sound of it.

Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:17

Pil are bound to bail him out but at the moment they are uncontactable to him and have refused to phone him until late this week. He has no way of contacting them.

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Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:18

We dont know whether we can get him sent back to Canada but I'm phoning the embassy tomorrow.

We cant have him back in our house but he is still dh's db.

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Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:18

We will have to borrow the money to get him here from the Ukraine as it is and cant afford the money to canada. HE would never go willingly anyway back there.

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Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:20

Does anyone know how you can commit someone? would it matter that he was a canadian?

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tigermoth · 21/08/2005 19:21

Ah if he really has mental problems agree there is some family responsiblity. If money is no object, could someone bigger and meaner than him fly out to the ukraine, get him to the airport even if he is under the illusion that he is flying to England, and somehow put him on a plane to canada, flying with him if necessary? Is his mental condition so serious that you could get medical/police help in this? Surely if he has beaten up that many women, and owes money all over the place, he has a criminal record and the Ukrane police would be only too happy to get rid of him?

WestCountryLass · 21/08/2005 19:25

If money weren't an issue then i'd book him a ticket from the Ukraine to Canada.

Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:26

Money is an object and in laws are srilankan so the currency difference is big. They have borrowed lots of money themselves for him and others have also given him money so he's pretty much burned his bridges. Our fears are that he is going to get kicked out and get into trouble with some nasty people. HE is very vulnerable.

The mental problems stem from the alcohol. He's been drinking heavily for many years now and is a mess mentally.

He has a criminal record for various drink driving things and has been in prison. His ex wife was too scared to give evidence against him although the police had pictures. As far as we know he has no actual record for this.

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Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 19:27

He would never willingly go to Canada even if money were no issue.

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Earlybird · 21/08/2005 19:34

What a tough situation. Just curious - how did he get the money to go to Ukraine in the first place? Did he have a one way ticket?

WestCountryLass · 21/08/2005 19:41

Sorry Hercules, I should have read the rest of your thread before I replied.

It is a difficult situation, of course you want to do something but if helping is going to cause you financial hardship or negatively affect your family then your hands are tied.

Also, imho, by doing nothing you may very well be doing the best thing for him so that he does eventually become accountable for his actions (rather than being baled out by various people).

I personally think all you/your DH can do is speak to him on the phone, tell him you are aware of his situation but that you cannot help him anymore.

So far as his girlfriend goes, I know this sounds tight but she is an adult and she needs to sort herself out. There is not a lot you can do from a distance and even if you went money, whats to say he would not spend it on more drink?

tigermoth · 21/08/2005 19:42

if he has a criminal record and no means of financing himself there, could that be the key in getting him deported from the Ukrane?

Caligula · 21/08/2005 20:20

I would get him a ticket to come back to GB, then have nothing more to do with him. (Except perhaps to inform immigration that he's about to arrive on such and such a flight, so they can repatriate him to Canada.)

I know in theory you're not responsible for him or his girlfriend, but it sounds like she needs to get him out of the house and if I could manage it, I'd do it as an act of charity to her. He may harm her child. (Not your responsibility, but still.)

Alternatively, could you report him to the Ukranian authorities as being illegal there? (Is he there illegally? Surely you need visas etc.? Does he have one?) Maybe they'd deport him? Is it worth phoning the Embassy?

Original poster
hercules · 21/08/2005 21:17

He is there legally in the Ukraine and he comes here legally as far as Uk knows but as far as we know Canada doesnt know of his whereabouts. To the best of our knowledge he will be arrested on entering Canada.

We are partly responsible for his girlfriend as we knew he was like and she didnt and we didnt tell her (although she doesnt speak much english).

We couldnt stop him going and tbh it was a relief to get him out of our house.

Dh knows if he turns his back on him he will end up dead. SOmetimes he wants to wash his hands of him but he cant as he loves him and remembers him as a small child. Dh does though not want him to stay with this woman as she and her child are at risk and told her so.

I will phone Canadian embassy tomorrow.

Any other ideas?

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