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Tea room 16 welcome to Shangri-la

994 replies

UniS · 15/06/2010 19:33

Shangri-la = a hidden valley with beautiful views and crystal streams of course, and some inter-far eastern type of chalet things set around a Serene Courtyard with ever-blooming Japanese cherry trees, lots of refreshing fragrant teas, silk cushions, tinkling tiny waterfalls and bonsai trees, Gardens of Tranquillity etc.

Home to teh 16th Tea room, a haven for those with one or more or less children who like cake, tea, talking nonsense and oggling Mellors ( our handyman/ butler). If its your first vist, pull up a cushion .Mind out for the guinea pigs and other pets and do take care not to squash the teeny tiny naked mowhawk babies ( nmbs
, no longer naked and now toilet trained you will glad to hear)as they go about their duties helping Mellors.

Confused... come on, jump in and have a hot chocolate.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
AandO · 30/06/2010 17:36

Woohoo MrMT!

And Woohoo MrAandO...he has just got his exam results and has done very well!! PhD here we come!

thumbwitch · 30/06/2010 17:52

Goodness, we'll have to get some Chinese lanterns out and festoon the Serene Courtyard with them - plus some fireworks in honour of the occasion. I favour this sort but we have plenty of different types - no screamers or bangers though!

--------

Jacksmama · 30/06/2010 18:28

Does my bum look big in my old name?

Thumb, I am at nipple ointment on your nose. But if it works, it works!

teafortwo · 30/06/2010 18:29

My friend would do the same for me.

My sister has organised a camping trip to Wales with Milk, herself, me and her dd later in the holidays. I am a bit and about it all. I think it is going to be one of those trips where I have to be quiet and follow instructions. My sis is terribly fond of the ol' timetables and marching everyone screaming and shouting through them while I am more - "Shall we just have another cup of tea and then think about what to do?"

Scout19075 · 30/06/2010 19:43

YAY for all of the misters in our lives!

Nipple ointment is also good for cracked fingers and scratches on small people (especially in areas that they normally chew, like hands).

DH at all-day work do, so home really late tonight. Anyone fancy a take-away with me?

teafortwo · 30/06/2010 20:01

CONGRATS TO Mr MT!!!!!!! Waaaaahhhooooo - new jobs are defo worth getting bolly out for... non???

UniS · 30/06/2010 21:44

Well done Mr MT, of course I'd like to see you in Devon bike or no bike. We live in a village with a nice new playground and shop that sells ice cream in walking distance one direction and Dartmoor the other. Do you still have my e-mail from the other year? s****@u... I expect

Fixed teh leaky waterbutt today, only found out it was leaky after it filled up on monday night but had emptied itself by this morning. ho, hum, I refitted the tap with a whole bunch of silicon clart. Hope that will work, more rain forecast for tomorrow, teh garden is crying out for it.

We are having a RL house warming on saturday afternoon, a tea party. So you are all very cordially invited to join us in tea room style. I've got mellors and NMBs rustling up scones and clotted cream to go with some of that strawberry jam scout is making.

OP posts:
UniS · 30/06/2010 21:48

Chinese lanterns round teh courtyard

OP posts:
oxeye · 30/06/2010 21:50

Oh bolly it is. Yes indeedy. Amber I will track you down ;)
thumb don't worry. If I am Going to blow cover for a meet up I'll email and out myself. I only panicked on the whole start of the Outing iyawim

mistle very glad of the job. Money is good

aando glad your dh is on track. Tis good but a long haul, not least for the Supportive Spouse (bitter,moi?)

tea. I too salute you, friend

am chortlng at nipple cream being pressed into all sorts of other uses
I once spent an entire summer hole making a 1,000 piece ouzzle much as misltle describes. I still have photos of the finished thing [sigh] was a happy summer
scout, jm is happycopter. I would use the strawberries for dacquiri [hic]

Scout19075 · 30/06/2010 22:05

Nipple cream is something I never even thought about until BabyScout was born. Now I keep a tube with me in my backpack-turn-handbag-turn-nappy-bag.

Thanks, oxeye. I can't keep up with namechanges.

Oooo, dacquiries....

Mmmm, scones (with cream and jam).... My favorite part of family holiday! (Too much family togetherness, but I can ignore it for a cream tea.)

Didn't like strawberries until I started coming to England. Now I think their scrummy (and BabyScout seems to like them, too!).

tea -- will you go camping camping or caravan camping?

We're going for seven nights/eight days in August with Guides. We usually go six nights/seven days in July, so this will be different for us. I'm catering for about 50-60 people (not including BabyScout who will have his own food) and will only have started my treatments ten days prior. What was I thinking when I agreed?!?!

RacingSnake · 30/06/2010 22:44

Well done to all Mistles, commiserations to all Ambers and Maries. for London meetup; how I would love to be able to afford the train fare to London.

Came home after a long day's work with hormonal and bad-tempered ten-year olds (and members of staff) to find DH apoplectic with rage, quite unable to even speak to me. Finally, voice shaking with rage, he managed to communicate the fact that he could not find a book he wanted and, since I had recently done some light tidying, I must have hidden it. Good news is that I did not get sucked into it all, did some more tidying, found the book and averted huge row and days of sulking. Beginning to realise that DH cannot deal with negative feelings, such as fear and frustration. Amber, is this a symptom of a person on the spectrum? Have sometimes wondered, especially as DH cannot cope with any degree of uncertainty, change, noise or numbers of people. Just need ideas (anyone, please) to manage and help. Have managed to convince DH to go to London for the night later in the week; tiny break and time for cleaning and tidying!

Oxeye, spot the irony.

thumbwitch · 30/06/2010 23:50

RS, even as a non-expert I would say Monsieur Snake might have some ASC traits - afaik, the gallic temperament is usually less of a problem wrt being open about feelings etc. than the English, so maybe there is something more? If he is, there is a book about it somewhere which might help but I'm sure amber will be better able to advise you.

I have a friend who married a man with Aspergers - she didn't know it, he wasn't diagnosed until they'd been married a few years; but in the end she couldn't cope with him any more and they split. Shame because he was lovely but oh so irritating to live with (she'd have been able to fill the 'murderous' thread by herself!)

Smallbunch - your Chinese lanterns are superb! here is another firework for you now it is later at night - but it might take ages to load (it did on my computer). Worth it though...

Tea - it's even more lovely that you have a friend who would do as much for you - that is wonderful.

Scout19075 · 01/07/2010 06:02

Crap night sleep and I could just cry with tiredness (was exhausted for some reason yesterday). I can't even blame BabyScout for my poor night. Someone toss me a pillow, please?

teafortwo · 01/07/2010 06:09
Scout19075 · 01/07/2010 08:51

Thanks, tea, nice and fluffy, just the way I like my pillows!

I hate when I double book myself and don't realize it until the last minute! Now I have to try to reschedule coffee with someone I haven't met yet to make the dentist appointment (which I thought was tomorrow) which has already been rescheduled once. ARGH!

thumbwitch · 01/07/2010 09:39

Oh no! Scout, that's so annoying. Hope it works out ok.

Leading on from that thought - there is stuff in the news about GP surgeries trying to charge up to $50 for being 10 minutes late to an appointment here in Oz! I mean, what are they ON? (that's almost £30 at current exchange rate).

I had a rubbish night too - every time I laid down, my head stuffed up so I couldn't breathe > mouth-breathing > dry mouth --> wracking coughing fits. So I ended up on the sofa with a spare duvet. Not good. At some hour, not sure when, miniThumb came and found me and climbed on too and went back to sleep on my tummy [aww emoticon].

Scout19075 · 01/07/2010 09:53

Unknown lady very nice about rescheduling. Our dentist will charge (I forget what) for missing an appointment or changing it with less than 24 hours notice. Still, I am fortunate to have an NHS dentist so I don't complain (too much!).

RacingSnake · 01/07/2010 10:13

Oh Tea, I would soooooo much love to do that. Not possible, though, especially as I will have my niece with us to look after for the next three weeks (19 and French) .... I would have to find two fares. Maybe if there were another in the autumn on a day when I wasn't working ... I am realising just how much I would love to come. Just maybe not reasonable to pay two adult return fares for a couple of hours - I can't get on a train which arrives much before 12 noon. Am that they changed the fares last year and all my lovely £22 return fares vanished.

Scout, lots of ineffectual sympathy. Have a lovely faded cotton throw and lie down on the chaise longe on the veranda ... just here in the shade of the aspidistra ... Listen to the distant chirping of little birds ... Oh - she's asleep!

amberlight · 01/07/2010 10:42

RS, no, anger isn't part of the diagnosis of autism, though it's often a reason why a few people end up being diagnosed. Autism is social clumsiness plus extreme need for predictability. And often sensory issues on top of that.

The rest is personality. Some react to stress of coping with the disability by being very quiet and people-pleasing, some by getting very depressed, some by getting hugely anxious, a few respond with displays of anger - same as the rest of the population.

Unfortunately, it's usually the angry ones who end up with a diagnosis, as they are the ones who drive people squirrelly and end up being diagnosed out of someone's absolute desperation. So it looks like we're all angry horrible people. Diagnoses are very rare and very expensive, so very few people have them at the moment.

We often do respond with absolute panic to losing a favourite object e.g. a book, though. Why? Because in your brain there's a people-centre that says who's who, how much we love them, what we know about them. And in our brains it's used instead as a storage zone for our things and our specialised interests. If you lose a child, imagine the absolute panic you'd feel, the distress, racing around the streets to find them. That's how we feel if we lose a book etc, because it 'feels' like it's a person who's been lost. Some will 'shut down' in panic, some will cry, some will become hysterical, a few will get angry.

It makes sense because of that brain design problem, but it's weird for other people.

It has a positive side - we are hugely careful with things and data we care about, which makes us excellent at really specialised things. Making a mistake in our jobs is enough to render us speechless with horror - it'd be like us hurting a child of ours if we get it wrong.

We 'rewire' our brains to learn to really love and care for people, by using the older thinner slower brain wiring round the edges. Takes us ages to do, but we can get there. Some sooner than others.

Does that make any sense?

RacingSnake · 01/07/2010 11:42

Amber, yes, that does make sense. I didn't mean that anger was part of autism - I can see that anger is just one way of reacting to the stress. I meant the inability to cope with the fact that something is missing or not where it should be. Actually DH gets extremely upset (angry) if I tidy at all, meaning that we live in chaos which makes me miserable. He is very careful with his things but not with mine. He is perfectly willing to tell me I am 'boring' and 'only think about myself' for wanting to tidy things, but I am absolutely certain he would not cope with me commenting on his personality in a negative way. He just seems to say what comes into his head without thinking how I might feel. This could of course also be being ... ... foreign.

Today I was so cross with him I came home from dropping WRiggle at nursery and ate all his share of the cakes I had bought to share yesterday. I need a slightly more adult anger-management technique.

To others, DH is charming and friendly; he would do anything for anyone (in fact he recently gave away our chicken cage to friends, which is why I am slowly building a new one and our chicks are in the guinea pig cage). He is hyper-sensitve to tones of voice and never even raises his voice to Wriggle or strangers(although he has a rather nasty tone for me at times . He is inclined to think that people do not respect him and does not stand up for himself - he cannot be assertive except with me, and therefore often feels resentful, especially at work.

I don't want to make him sound all bad - he can be so lovely and I do love him, but I feel that if I could learn to manage things better for him, our life would be so much happier.

Anyway I am off to pick up Wriggle early so that DH can have her at his student end-of-term lunch (defence from too much socialising for him), so I'd better get going. Intend to buy myself a nice present to make up for an hour sitting with people I don't know instead of happily playing with my new cordless drill and a lot of chicken wire.

Bon appetit, tout le monde!

oxeye · 01/07/2010 11:43

Amber, goodness me, that post is a revelation. Your ability to describe in ways that us, with differently wired brains, understand is amazing. I am not sure I could explain how my brain works as well as you do.

Racing, I am charmed that you wish to meet up, since a while back you preferred the imaginary friends element of our relationship. It is odd, I feel excited and apprehensive at meeting, I was trying to analyse it and I think, what is odd, is that what is great about meeting and friendship here is that it comes with a freedom that none of my other relationships come with - I can talk to you when I am able, free and willing, and not if I don't, disappear even for days without recimination, yet it is not an "irresponsible" freinship because I know you all are more immediately supportive than any other area of life and I want to share with you my daily day more than anywhere else, and I fear losing that ease. But am excited about adding to the relationship, iyswim. Also I increasingly wish we could communicate in greater confidence, but then of course we would lose the access of new and newer friends like Scout and Bensmum and the occasional welcome visitors like Donki etc.... all tres tricky

On the other hand (I think I must be up to 3 now) when are we meeting? I suggested Coram Field this Saturday, but it's before Tea arrives, and Small has gone missing- Tea how does next week pan out do you think?

Racing, I am now seriously thinking about chucking Oxboy in the car and coming down to Wilton House one weekend

CMOTdibbler · 01/07/2010 12:05

If you were thinking of a meetup in London, then I could do next weekend before I disappear off to forrin climes.

I completely agree with you Oxeye - I love being able to know what is going on in your lives, but without having to have mutually convenient times to talk. But having met a few MNetters in RL, and knowing the names of a few more, I don't think it does interfere with that relationship

Will be facing the parents on Saturday . It's so selfish of me to not look forward to seeing them, but I get so frustrated with them, and it's hard to keep DS safe there. Onto a birthday party at Bowood House on Sunday with the serial not turning up family. Tempted to take the tent and find somewhere to camp for the night somewhere in the M4 corridor rather than coming home

AandO · 01/07/2010 13:02

That's very useful Amber, particularly the part about love for people. So, dh has worked with autism for the past 10 years (full time prior to uni and part time since uni). I often find his experiences of autistic adults and my experience of you Amber at odds. My sister has also worked with autism for over 10 years so it is a big topic of discussion at family get togethers. I don't want to insult you at all or cause offence but my dh has said to me that autistic people can only learn to act as though they feel love for people, but do not actually feel that love. I have used you as a counter example, but he firmly does not believe it is possible for autistic people to love other people or feel empathy for them. Of course in the case of dh and my sister they both work almost exclusively with people with significant learning disabilities in addition to their autism and so this is bound to have an impact, e.g. alot are non verbal, need help showering, dressing etc, cannot live independently at all and so live in a care home setting. I hope it is ok for me to ask you about autism and love, you are well placed to answer my query and it is something dh and I disagree on.

RS - That sounds really tough. Your dh is being way too harsh on you. My dh told me I was boring once, it really upset me. Recently I mentioned that he said it to me and he was shocked, he had forgotten all about it. I have problems with living in a messy house too, I would prefer it tidy but dh is a master of chaos and brings messiness to everything he touches. But go to the meet up, do!

amberlight · 01/07/2010 13:45

AandO, gosh, that's a real eye-opener about your dh's view of us. I know more people on the autism spectrum than I could name in a week (er, if I could remember their names to start with ) and so many are absolutely loving and much loved.

I can tell you without doubt that I do feel love, and very much so. And that if I have lost someone I love, the pain is immense and profound. Likewise if they are ill etc. When DH was in hospital last year with his brain haemorrhage, there are no words to describe the pain I felt for him and his situation. We never cease to tell each other than we love each other. He's HFA.

Of those I know who are at the 'profound' end of the autism spectrum, again I see so many examples of real love and caring. Spending time here on the SN boards and so many others online, it's something that comes up time after time.

We cannot display the body language correctly, though. For those who cannot speak using words, there may not be the symbols or symbolism to display that love. But to say it's in effect just a mockery of real love...gosh... that goes to the very heart of humanity itself, the very heart of what makes someone a person rather than a thing.

I'm a great fan of people like Phoebe Caldwell, who does so much to reach out to people seemingly 'locked in' to their own emotions and brain, and gets them to respond and form good safe bonds with those around them in ways that people can understand.

I think I need tea. And a lie down. Or both. In fact, someone pass me the gin and a straw...

amberlight · 01/07/2010 13:51

and in case of doubt by your dh, as you know I work as an autism adviser. I'm not at the mild end of the autism spectrum. I didn't use language properly for a good long while, I didn't know I was a person until I was ten,and I score at the 'more profound' end on all standard tests for AQ, SQ, EQ etc but have a high IQ for specialised tasks that allowed me to learn to speak. But I knew about love way before I could speak of it. I felt it in my very heart and soul.

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