I think we're only going to have one child

[larakitten]

Hey there,

We have a gorgeous DD, aged 2 and half, who is the centre of our world. We had a diffcult pregnancy, difficult birth, I was poorly after having her with terrible anxiety and HBP, and to cap it all she nearly died twice and was in the Neonatal unit for some time.

We've recently been thinking about whether to have another child or not.....to be honest until my DD was born I always saw us with 2 children......but neither of us can get our heads round the idea of going through another pregnancy/birth/recovery again. The chances of having the same things happen again are very slim, but I just can't do it. I suffered terribly with anxiety and depression throughout my pregnancy, and DH doesn't want to see me go through that again. I seem to go totally out of control, to the point of feeling like I'm going to break down....and I cannot do that with DD to care for.

So. I think we've agreed that we are going to be happy with our lot. Some people don't even get one child and we're so grateful to the people who saved DDs life....she is our whole world.

But I do worry that we're depriving DD of a sibling, and I do think that if all went well our family life would be great with two.....but we just cannot see how we could survive another pregnancy etc, both physically and mentally.

Therefore, I guess I just need to hear from others not directly involved that its OK to CHOOSE to have one child.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I need to say it out loud that we will probably only have DD and that its alright to make that choice. I realise that sounds a bit childish, but I'd love to hear from others in the same situation. I'd rather be a healthy, happy mum of one than a depressed and out of control mum of two.

Thanks for any input.

Come to the One-Child Tea Room (it's currently Tea Room the 14th) and join us.

YES, it is totally ok to choose to have only one child. You could be my long-lost twin - nearly word for word the same thing happened to me with DS, except he was completely fine. I, too, cannot get my head around doing it again. And DH is an only, and only wants one.

She wil be fine. She won't be deprived. YOU will be fine. Much, MUCH better to be happy with one than, as you said, a depressed and out-of-control mum of two.

Come visit the TR, I promise we're not all mad. xxJM

Thanks Jacksmama for your response, much appreciated.

We did have a dreadful time, bled from 6 weeks to 17 wks, in hospital practically every other day for scans.....the not knowing if we were going to have a baby or a miscarriage was horrendous. Then I developed sever SPD and was on crutches from 24 wks, then BP started creeping leading to full blown pre eclampsia the day I went into Labour (after a failed attempt at induction). I had a fast labour, instrumental delivery as DD was not coping and my BP was getting dangerously high. DD was tiny despite being a week overdue, stopped breathing twice, had a hole in her heart, swelling on her brain, blood infection (suspected meningitis), damaged leg from the hurried birth etc etc....thankfully she is perfect. Still has trouble walking long distances, but actually (without being a bit PFB) very very bright for her age....health visitors words, not mine.

We just cannot face the thought of doing it all again, and putting DD through what we went through. But then I question myself as I will quite often have a little weep to myself over her tiny baby clothes, and silly things like selling her big pram and so on. Not sure if I'm weeping at the thought of what we went thought to get DD or the thought of never doing it again.

It feels right to remain as we are (we even went and got the silver fingerprint necklaces done for all of us with our three prints on each one to symbolise our little family), but I think there may always be that element of "what if".

I'm dreading the comments that I KNOW are coming......but as our whole familes went to hell and back after DD was born I'm hoping they understand our decision.

I will indeed come and visit the tearoom, but going to have to write and run at present as DH away and I've still the tea dishes to wash before bed!

Thanks again for bothering to reply.

Hi Larakitten - what a tough time you had

I had three miscarriages before DS, a problematic and stressful pregnancy, then a premature birth at 35 weeks. Although we hadn't planned on having more than one child, I feel that if it had all been as atracumatic as my friends had, we would have had another child. But as it is, theres no way we would go through all that again - or indeed, the possibility of it all going that way.

We don't think we are depriving DS of a sibling - it's never a guarantee that they will even like each other, let alone be company etc

Hello Larakitten.

We can't know for a certainty what life would have been like if we'd made another decision - married another man, taken another job, had another baby - because we can't live two lives in parallel. So we have to trust our instincts and yours is telling you that your family is complete with your lovely dd. Of course it's all right to make that choice.

But two years isn't very long to recover from all that you went through. How old are you? If things start to feel different in a year or two, could you contemplate another baby then?

Hope to see you in the tea room.

Hi Larakitten. Poor you.

I think many of us have traumatic stories - I had two miscarriages before DD, bled at 5/6 weeks and spent the whole pregnancy (all 32 weeks of it!) waiting from hour to hour to miscarry DD as well.

(She is fine and perfect, apart from all the answering back atm.)

I thought long and hard about trying again, tried and failed and really couldn't face trying again, so DD will be an only. And it will be OK. I am starting to focus on the advantages.

I still get emotional about the tiny baby clothes and haven't yet got rid of her big pram, but I know mothers of 3 and 4 children who feel the same. Having another child only puts it off.

I am sure you will be OK too - it is an attitude as much as anything, and letting go is terribly hard, but absolutely necessary. Life with one child is also GREAT FUN.

Larakitten, I'm exactly the same as you.

Always saw myself with two children but DD was born prem and had a really hard time with it al so don't want to go through it again.

It took a while to come to the decision to stick with one, kept swaying around in a state of ambivalence. But my instincts eventually always brought me back to sticking with one .

Now she is 4 and people have stopped asking if we're having another. That was at its height when she was about 2ish.

Feel happy/content with the decision now and not ambivalent at all anymore. Know it's the right thing.

Also there are a lot of negative preconceptions out there about only children. But having this board here has been great to dispel those.

In fact, there are loads of advantantages to having an only too.

Thank you all so much for the reassurance. Doozle, you hit the nail on the head - we are swaying around in a state of ambivalence....we always thought we would have two but when it comes to the crunch, neither of us want to go through it all again. I feel like the last 2 years have slipped by as we were always saying "when we try again/have another one" etc etc but now we actually came out and said it we almost feel that life can move on.....hence the clearing out of the baby stuff.

I hope I didn't come across as self-pitying when I told our story....there's people out there MUCH worse off than we are. Its just that we are not healed from what happened, and I'm not sure we ever will be. Don't get me wrong, it does get easier, but it sure takes its time.

We feel that life would be happier with DD as an only, we can offer her more...not necessarily on the money/toys/clothes front (although naturally with only one child that will be the case) but in our love and attention. I gave up work to raise her, and don't intend going back until she starts school.

DD is only 2, so I'm guessing we're at the peak of people asking when we plan to have another. Especially when all my friends are pregnant or delivering their 2nds ha ha! I know the in laws will be disappointed, but my mum has been totally understanding and supportive.

I'm only (only!!) 31, so time is on our side should we change our minds, but if anything at the moment thats a disadvantage because people do tell me that I'm young and we'll change our mind!!!!

Its so refreshing to hear other opinions and thoughts, and i do think that this board has helped dispel some of that "only child is a lonely child" crap thats out there!!!!

Thanks again, sorry to write and run again but I need to get DDs shepherds pie in the oven. DH is off karting tonight so if I've time I think I'll pop into the tearoom now that it doesn't seem so scary lol!!

Scary? Mwahahahahahahaaaa!!!

Lara, it doesn't sound self-pitying at all.
It makes perfect sense that you wouldn't want to put yourself through all that again.

It is difficult when others get pregnant with their second. Actually that was one of the hardest things. I didn't really want to get pregnant again, but just felt isolated that I was the only one who seemed to feel that way. Know what I mean?

Anyway, you just have to do what's right for you, not what's right for others. Also like you said, if you do change your mind, time is on your side if you feel like it.

Doozle, it is indeed hard when everyone else is popping out sprogs left, right and centre and doesn't seems to understand our logic of only one. Well, with the exception of my best pal in RL who totally understands, despite not long ago having her second herself.

My DD just makes us smile so much, we just can't bear the thought of potentially putting her through the heartbreak and trauma that we experience 2 and a bit years ago.

The little monkey announced today thats she's a girl, daddy is a man and mummy is just a mummy. Makes me feel REALLY worthy ha ha!!!!!!

I think the best circumstance in which to have just one child is when it really genuinely is your choice to have just one child. Anything else is a compromise.

I made a conscious choice to have one child and so have only one. I am as happy as anyone else who has the exact number of children that they chose to have and envisaged having - be that two, three or six.

I always think that when people are "forced", for want of a better word, into having one child by circumstances outside of their control there's always a part of them that has to live with and deal with that. It wasn't what they wanted and they push it to the backs of their minds but it's always there and their lives always seem tinged with guilt (for their child who they consider has been deprived of a sibling/s) and sadness for what might have been.

I think that if you ideally want two children you should take the plunge and have another one. You've said that the chances of what happened before happening again, adn if there are no underlying medical reasons then that should be the case, so I would say give yourself more time and then try again for another. Maybe you could have some counselling to address your fears? I think that given time you might feel differently anyway. I think that these nagging feelings you're having won't really ever go away altogether and you will always be thinking on some level (even if you don't care to admit it to others) about what might have been had you decided to have another child.

I always think that if we don't try to acheive in life what we really, truly want then we're selling ourselves a bit short.

Sometimes life is hard and not everything we want comes to us gift wrapped. Sometimes things are a struggle and that's what makes them all the more worthwhile when we do eventually get them.

I am aware that my response is a bit different to the others here but you did give thanks in advance for any input...

Good luck whatever you decide and continue to enjoy your family whatever happens.

Sorry, one of the sentences in the middle there went funny, it should have read:

"You've said that the chances of what happened before happening again are very slim, and if there are no underlying medical reasons then that should certainly be the case, so I would say give yourself more time and then try again for another."

Lara,you sound like you have been through such a lot -it will always be a difficult decision.We decided to have one child only (for many, many reasons) and sometimes I did find myself questioning whether it was the right choice. Now, 15 years later, with a funny, secure, loving teen, I know it was right for our family.You have to remember it is your choice and to rehearse a standard reply for people asking why you have only one!

Like Genevieve, we made a decision that we were happy with one (although had I been less ancient as a mother we may have had more had we started earlier!) - but I agree with her about 'settling' for one if it isn't really what you want. But that is something you can continue to hold as an option to be dusted off if you suddenly find your broodiness and confidence change at any time in the future. I understand, though, that coming to a 'position' is easier than a constant dilemma.

But whatever you decide, be re-assured that my DS is highly sociable, has plenty of friends, enjoys the time he spends with friends and cousins but is happy at home with us, too. We do make sure he has plenty of friends around, and have been happy to include his freinds in lots of outings and family occasions. On holiday he is usually away with mates of the same age before we have unpacked (we choose places with a shared pool). When he was younger he went through a phase of wanting a brother or sister, but now says he doesn't. I daresay that will change back and forth as he grows. But ther are PLENTY of things in his life that he might wish were differnt - and plenty that he is glad are as they are. Life is the luck of the draw for kids in many ways - not a menu of perfect items.

Hi Lara
I understand how difficult this must be
However I just wanted to poke my nose in and say that all pregnancies, births and babies are different

I know that sounds really trite but it is true!

My first pregnancy was nothing like my first (ie 2nd was much easier)

Thank you all for providing a balanced input to my OP.

Genevieve....I take on board what you say, and thanks for being bold enough to say it! I think I do feel tinged with a little sadness at the thought of never doing it again, but at present its just not strong enough to overcome the fears and anxiety about the possibility of things going horribly wrong again. However, we need to make a decision on this at some point because we cannot keep floating around in some sort of never never land. We need to say yes or no, kind of a "now or never" in order to move on.

I think if we could just decide what would be best for our family, then we could close the door on this one and move forward. As it stands, its like groundhog day, and its driving us nuts.

I would love another one in my heart, but cannot get over the past and worries about what a future pregnancy might hold. DH, at the moment, never ever wants to go there again and risk losing me again - he feels that we are a happy family unit of 3, and in the main, I agree.

Its reassuring to hear from so many people that their DCs are sociable, well balanced kids - my DD is too, well as much as you can expect from a 2 1/2 yr old toddler. I do worry about her growing up alone, but DH and I are not the type of parents to leave her to fend for herself - we are happy to give her all the love and attention she needs, and are equally happy to share family time with her little friends. I cannot see that changing any time in the future.

We are just tired of battling with this one. At this very moment, I think the fear and anxiety win, we cannot risk the same situation and illnesses happening again when DD has to come first and foremost.

Again, thanks for everyones input, its great to hear so many different takes on this issue!

I really understand your position, I look at the other mums having their second and realise, it was different for me. It was hard and traumatic. Pre-eclampsia, hard birth and sick baby, followed by colicky child. Sometimes it feels like a loss, of dreams and innocence.

I have been having counselling as I wanted to know what was at the bottom of it and whether I really wanted another, still going through that, but it makes me see things clearly.

Take the time to let yourself work through what happened. It is traumatic.

Also try this site about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and birth. Might give you a perspective on what happened.

www.tabs.org.nz/tabssidebar.htm

P.S. It is really nice to able to talk about these things with others. Sometimes you feel like the only one!

I'm another forced into the one-child only scenario. Wouldn't it be lovely just to go for it as Genevieve says - sounds so easy! However, it downplays the issues that are forcing us to 'make' the decision to stay as a one-child family.

I had a mp before mistlechick eventually made his entrance - this was after 3.5 yrs of trying and getting to the top of the NHS IVF list. 4mo chemo completely floored me. I had 6 mo off work and only went back then as my boss was threatening that there would be no job to come back to - wasn't really fit to go back and should probably have had another month off to get properly better.

Since ds (who was emergency csec as he got stuck - 1 wk early, 10lbs 5oz) I've had two further mc. Over each one the shadow of possible reoccurance of a mp has loomed large - both times my hormone levels took ages to get back down to normal which is one of the problem areas. 3mo of wondering whether you're going to end up with a mp again and how on earth you're going to cope with an extremely active and demanding child at the same time as having chemo which you already know completely floors you is awful.

So, I think we, too, are going to stay as a one-child family. Haven't managed to get rid of all of the 'essentials' yet. Got to start working up towards that at some stage, but still seems too soon to completely cut off the potential - although my age is now significantly against it happening again, particularly as we had so much trouble all the times I have got pregnant in the past.

Sometimes you can't do what you'd really like - when everything is weighed up, it really doesn't make sense. That's where I am - and it sounds as though you're there too.

(and welcome to the tearoom too!)

Allyinoz, thanks for the link, will have a lookie. You got it soooo right when you said "it was different for me", thats exactly how we feel.

It is so hard, I feel totally cheated out of a "normal" pregnancy, delivery and baby.....I always feel so envious of those women who pop out their babies and all is peachy. Even down to the silliest things like being on the ward afterwards, having the family visit, bringing flowers, balloons etc etc. We had the total opposite - our babe seriously ill in the neonatal unit, I was dumped in a postnatal ward surrounded by women with their babes and families, no visitors to neonatal bar us and our parents. It sounds terribly childish and selfish, but i do feel cheated out of the image I had of after DD was born.

Right now, we just cannot out oureslves through that again. DH has totally put any thoughts of having another out of his head, but then everything is either black or white to him. I'm not faulting him here, he's a tremendous man and my total rock, but he just makes a decision and sticks with it. Its me that analyses everything to the "nth" degree and flip flops over "what ifs".

I do wonder if its worth talking to my GP about counselling, but I do feel a little daft to be asking when DD is now 2.7.......

It is so nice to be talking about this though, when I feel I'm in a world where everyone else has an easy time and has babies without a second thought!

Again, appreciate the chance to chat with you all.

Larakitten I think that you should speak to your GP. It's not silly at all and most people don't think seriously about having another child until their first child is around the age of your DD so I'm sure your GP won't think you're daft at all.

You have said that you've been told that what happened with your DD is highly unlikely to happen again so the only way to put all this behind you is to try again and see that it can be different and that you can have the birth and post natal experience that you really dream of having.

The experiences of what happened before with your DD are stopping you from really moving on with your life. If you were truly happy and comfortable with your decision to stop at one child you wouldn't be having these doubts and your comments about your DH tell me that you may end up resenting him at some point and that could cause problems in your marriage.

Counselling, and more specifically something like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), could help you to move beyond your doubts and fears and try again for another baby, which you know is what you really want.

I think you are compromising on what you really want out of life here and if there is some form of therapy out there to help you deal with this and make some sense out of it then what's the harm in trying it? As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you try it and you find it doesn't change the way you feel then you won't have lost anything by trying it would you?

Well, that's one reading of the situation, Genevieve. It's certainly consistent with your, I'm sure perfectly sincere, belief that anyone who chooses to have one child will be fine and tickety-boo while anyone who might have wanted more but (for want of a better word) settles for one will forever be unhappy and guilty.

My own view is that very many people have an experience like Doozle (and other posters on other threads) has described - ambivalence followed by acceptance/contentment/appreciation/happiness (call it what you will).

Larakitten - If you think that counselling could be helpful, then pursue it. I have heard of women having debriefing after a particularly difficult or traumatic pregnancy or birth - does your hospital offer that? I'm sure your GP could advise you of what's available locally (although I'm less sure that this is the sort of issue for which CBT works best). It might be helpful to clarify in your own mind what you want the counselling for - to understand the medical aspects of the difficult pregnancy and birth or to deal with your feelings of apprehension about a future pregnancy or both? And would you want to go to counselling with your husband?

I think Genevieve raises some relevant points, in my very personal opinion.

I really thought that I had come to the decision to just have one, but the more I thought about it I realised it was not my 'çhoice' it was my reality, of not being able to do it again.

My son is 2.6yrs old and I am having counselling, only recently did I realised I was traumatised, when I had a pregnancy scare and broke down.

Also importantly your husband might also be traumatised. They stand there and watch so much horror and can feel completely useless to help.
Also going to a counsellor and letting it all out, helps sooo much in acknowledging what happened.

Also, I watched a crappy film the other night, that had this one good line in it!

If it matters to you, it is important.

This clearly matters to you, so therefore it is important. Get someone (a professional) to work through it with you.

Allyinoz, I too had a scare about 6 months ago and thats when the reality hit of feeling like we couldn't do it again.

DH was traumatised, he says so himself. And we would go to counselling together, if we decided to go down that route? But resenting him? Never. I respect his right to an opinion, and I respect his right to never want to go through all that again. As he respects me. We've been together for 15 years (I'm only 31) and we have survived a lot in that time......I respect and adore him far too much to resent how he feels. Underneath the flip flopping, I agree with him and also feel a little relieved that I never have to go through that again.

Genevieve, I respect your input, but I have to disagree that the best thing to do is just get on with it. I simply cannot do that. Pregancy does funny things to me (have been pregnant more than once, MC before DD was born), it sends me off the rails mentally, and I cannot take that risk with DD to think of. If I got pregnant, and felt out of control with anxiety, if the situation got out of hand again, do you not think THAT might make me resent DH for getting me pregnant again? Just a thought. Its a sweeping assumption that what I really want is to have another baby......what I really want is a healthy, happy family and to feel at one with my decision.

I do think that counselling may help, and I think I'll mention it to my GP next time I'm down there. I am fortunate to have a lovely GP who supported me through my difficult times. I think I need to pass the ambivalence stage and reach the acceptance. Its there, I've just got to find the right path to finally feel at peace.