I think we're only going to have one child

[larakitten]

Hey there,

We have a gorgeous DD, aged 2 and half, who is the centre of our world. We had a diffcult pregnancy, difficult birth, I was poorly after having her with terrible anxiety and HBP, and to cap it all she nearly died twice and was in the Neonatal unit for some time.

We've recently been thinking about whether to have another child or not.....to be honest until my DD was born I always saw us with 2 children......but neither of us can get our heads round the idea of going through another pregnancy/birth/recovery again. The chances of having the same things happen again are very slim, but I just can't do it. I suffered terribly with anxiety and depression throughout my pregnancy, and DH doesn't want to see me go through that again. I seem to go totally out of control, to the point of feeling like I'm going to break down....and I cannot do that with DD to care for.

So. I think we've agreed that we are going to be happy with our lot. Some people don't even get one child and we're so grateful to the people who saved DDs life....she is our whole world.

But I do worry that we're depriving DD of a sibling, and I do think that if all went well our family life would be great with two.....but we just cannot see how we could survive another pregnancy etc, both physically and mentally.

Therefore, I guess I just need to hear from others not directly involved that its OK to CHOOSE to have one child.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I need to say it out loud that we will probably only have DD and that its alright to make that choice. I realise that sounds a bit childish, but I'd love to hear from others in the same situation. I'd rather be a healthy, happy mum of one than a depressed and out of control mum of two.

Thanks for any input.

Lara, you sound really sorted in your own head.

I think it's a very final thing to say no more children (no matter how many you have) so that's possibly also a factor in your ambivalence. I see mums of two, three and four on here grappling with that "no more" issue.

Also do understand what you say about the risk. When your mental health is at stake, it's not something to be entered into lightly so I think you're right to be questioning it as much as you are. (have had v similar issues)

Well good luck and hope you come to be happy with whatever final decision you settle on.

Larakitten I think you may have misunderstood me slightly there - what I meant was maybe go for it after you'd any counselling that you may feel it worthwhile to pursue, and only if that addressed the fears you had and helped to put you in the right frame of mind for it.

You hadn't mentioned before that pregnancy sends youoff the rails mentally and if that's the case then I can see why you may be reluctant to do it again. The way pregnancy affects you obviously adds another layer of anxiety to the worries you may have once the baby actually arrives.

Perhaps given your own particular circumstances it might be best for you to try and use counselling or something like CBT as a way to help you move into the "acceptance phase" as you put it.

Whatever the outcome I think that you need to move on from your experiences in order to acieve your goal of having a healthy, happy family and to feel at one with your decision

Good luck.

TrowelAnd Error, I never said that anyone who might have wanted more children but only had one due to circumstances beyond their control "will forever be unhappy and guilty".

I do believe however, that such people will always experience a degree of sadness for themselves and even guilt (I say that because guilts is a word that's commonly used by people here) at not being able to provide siblings for their child.

Obviously as their children grow and life pans out into a rhythm these feelings are not as consuming as they may one have been when the children are small so feelings will inevitably ease and acceptance will prevail.

Actually, before I joined this group and spent time on this board this was just something I postulated on. I never really realised just how accurate my assessment was until I read the messages here.

Genevieve - We've had this conversation several times, I think, so we're going to have to agree to differ.

If you have read the many threads around this topic, you will have seen people discussing feelings of lingering sadness or guilt. But you will also have seen other people describing experiences which are very different and which are not characterised by sadness or guilt. Your assessment isn't accurate, as it comes from a highly selective reading of these threads and ignoring anything which doesn't fit the rather gloomy message which you offer. It is not true to say or imply that people who do not have the number of children they hoped for will always feel sadness, guilt or disappointment. Some may have those feelings, some may get over them (with or without the help of therapy) and some may never have them.

It is totally fine. I am both an only child, and a mother of an only child by choice. My dd is all I need and I have no urge for another child.

I have one DD (now 10) and am very happy but I would say that I found the stage where you are quite hard - when DD was 2-3 yrs I felt there was a lot of pressure to have another child. Everyone who'd had a baby the same time as me was having their second and people whose babies were younger that DD were starting to have another - but once I got by that it's been fine - definitely the right decison for us

Larakitten,
I sympathise, we had an awful first experience and we really struggled about facing into it again, which we did and I have to say it was completely different, birth, baby, no colic this time etc. It's one of those things only you can answer, are you at peace with only one? and what age are you now? or do you have time to change your mind later? I had to make my mind up fast because I had dd at 37 ds at 40. I'm glad I went for it but I like you find anxiety a problem whislt trying to surf those pregnancy hormones. It's just all so hard. I wish you the best, I hope you make the right decision for your family and most importantly I hope you come to accept your decision. Good luck.

I also meant to say, of course it's ok to have just one, never let it feel like 'just one' it's your family, nothing lacking, your daughter is a lucky girl to have two devoted loving parents. You don't have to put yourself through anything again if you don't want to. I know I found even the thought of conception hard again, I felt like here we go, 9 months down the line it's going to be a nightmare again, but it wasn't.

I suppose you have to learn to accept not knowing if things would have been different, maybe talk to a presessional, your mw from before, your gp, tell them how you are feeling as see what they might have to say as they know more details of what happened for you.

Yes TrowelAndError, I think we will have to agree to differ and accept the fact that, inevitably, eveyone's views (including yours) will be highly subjective, depending on their own experiences.

Genevieve - I can really hear the sentiment behind your posts I know you are trying to highlight the fact that it is possible (with some help) to cope with a situation in a new, more empowered way and that one pregnancy does not necessarily set the tone for subsequent pregnancies. As someone who is hoping to do a psych masters, I would agree that within us, we have the ability to develop new ways of dealing with situations and can flourish when previously we've floundered.

I think where I agree to some degree with Trowelanderror is that the guilt issue simply is not as simplistic as you state - I have one dd and do feel guilty. Yet, I know my decision is best for us all, I am sooooo incredibly happy being her mummy and she is a constant source of happiness and light in our lives. So why the guilt? Because like everyone, I suffer blips in my self confidence from time to time - I know of no one else in my circle of friends that has made the decision, that the dominant opinion is 2 or more children = family and on occasion, it makes me question whether I have got it right. I love my dd so much, I want to do the right thing for her, but having one is at odds with the majority of people I know. Therefore, I believe even those who know deep down its right for them can occasionally flounder.

Larakitten - I am hopefully a good mum of one, but have a strong suspicion would not be great at 2 or more and that's why I have one dd. I would agree that if the only reason is the pregnancy, then it could be worth exploring with some professional help to see whether anything could be done to help another pregnancy go smoother and then come to your conclusion. But please please please do not worry if you sway back and forth - there are some mums of one by choice here that have been 100% certain and many many others who still wobble back and forth. In time, you become more confident in your decision - for me, cycling around our village with dd on the back singing and chatting, deciding what we would do with our day said it all for me, I am simply lucky to be a mum.

Mindy, what a lovely post. We are lucky, and thank our lucky stars every day for the miracle that DD is, and for the doctors that saved her time and time again.

You could have taken the words right out my mouth.....no one else I know has made this decision to stop at one child, all are having more children and the general consensus appears to be that family does indeed equal 2 or more children.

I feel that the majority of my worries do stem from the thought of another pregnancy and how to survive it, but also, like you, I worry about being a mum to more than one.

Its funny, DH and I talked again at length about this last night, and we feel that neither of us feels any need to add to our family at present. I am only 31, so have time on my side, but I don't want to have this worry hanging over my head for the next 5 years. As my DH said, it feels like now or never.....and I think never wins.

We aim to take our time to ensure that we are 100% with this, and to come to terms and accept our decision. Once we reach this stage, DH has indicated he would consider going for the snip.

Im so grateful to everyone for their input and providing such an insight into the minds of 1 child families. It has opened my eyes, made me think more positively about choosing this path and will hopefully have helped others that may be in this situation too.

Many thanks.

MindySimmons, what I actually said was that women who might have wanted more children but only had one due to circumstances beyond their control will (I believe) always experience a degree of sadness for themselves and their child but as their children grow and life pans out into a rhythm these feelings will not be as consuming as they may once have been when the children were small so feelings will inevitably ease and acceptance will prevail.

Of course I am not suggesting for one minute that people live a miserable, guilt-ridden existence because of it. These people enjoy family life and the marvellous experiences of parenthood just as anyone else does but feelings are still there to a greater or lesser extent but they fade with time. As you've said, these feelings tend to be uppermost around the time that other people are expanding their families but they will fade in time.

It was TrowelAnd Error, who said that I'd said that anyone who finds themselves in that position "will forever be unhappy and guilty". I never said that and that's just her inference.

I've been biting my lip all day but here goes ....

Genevieve, it's your constant use of the word always that I'm questioning.

"... (they) will (I believe) always experience a degree of sadness for themselves and their child"

" ...but feelings are still there to a greater or lesser extent"

On various threads you have made this same point - that the sadness is always there. As you have often pointed out, you have never been in the situation of having fewer children than you wanted or expected. I have. Good friends of mine in RL have too. I can therefore offer you my personal testimony (and theirs) that the sadness does not last forever and it is possible to lose (yes, really lose, not just ignore) those feelings and have a wholly positive experience of parenthood. It takes some people longer to reach that point than others - and some find counselling helpful - but the situation is not as bleak as you portray it.

I would not want anyone who was new to these threads and who might still be feeling raw and fragile to be discouraged by your pessimistic pronouncements which are (as you keep saying) not informed by actual experience.

Well, I have one child. Sadness = zero. Joy at how he's grown and overcome the odds and been a totally splendid young man = lots.

I was sad to start with, yes, but seeing parents with more than one having a truly dreadful time made me realise that there is no 'ideal number'. Each situation is simply different.

hear hear amberlight. Each situation is different, each family is different and therefore what feels right for each and every one of us as an individual is different too.

I just wanted to discuss with other mums the issues around choosing (as opposed to being forced by circumstance) to have just one child, not to inflame or aggrivate.

I certainly agree with trowel that the situation will not be as bleak as portrayed by others.....surely life is what you make it, and by making a choice to only have one DC is anyones right? I do think that guilt and sadness will always be there, along with the feelings of "what if".....but thats something I will need to work on and hence why I posted in the first place. I'm looking forward to the moment that this all slots into place, we reach a point of acceptance and enjoy family life as we wish it to be.

Lara - There are many reasons to feel 'guilt and sadness' in life (or, more likely, slight wistfulness).

I have a friend who had a second child to prevent her dd from being an only and now says that she sometimes feels sorry that her eldest is missing out on some of the happiest aspects of her own childhood as an only ...

Most decisions will at some point give rise to a feeling of 'if only'. You can only go with the way you are feeling at the moment and move forward firmly. Look forward and make the best of your decision. You will never know what would have happened in all the 'if onlies...' But I am certain that you can make a very positive life with what sounds like a strong, happy family.

Oh TrowelandError give yourself a day off why don't you?

Try reading this part of what I said:

"Of course I am not suggesting for one minute that people live a miserable, guilt-ridden existence because of it. These people enjoy family life and the marvellous experiences of parenthood just as anyone else does but feelings are still there to a greater or lesser extent but they fade with time. As you've said, these feelings tend to be uppermost around the time that other people are expanding their families but they will fade in time."

I suppose it's a bit like any experience in life that touches a person deeply (which things like the pain and heartbreak of secondary infertility do) I believe a sadness of some description will always be there to a greater or lesser extent.

These are my opinions and I'm entitled to them, just as you are to yours. This is a public message board and I will continue to express them. I'm not really bothered what you think of them. They are not rude or offensive and if you happen to take exception to then that's your problem, not mine.

Although your haughty tone might imply otherwise, you can't claim to know what goes on inside the head of every person who has an only child any more than I can - and I've never claimed to.

As for people who are "new to these threads" they're adults who I'm sure are perfectly well aware that this is a public message board where there will inevitably be a mix of views and experiences and they'll draw their own conclusions accordingly. They don't need you policing what's said for their benefit.

IMHO my opinions, views and experiences are no less valid than yours, or anyone else's here and just because you don't happen to like, or agree, with what I say doesn't mean I'm not going to say it so get over yourself.

Genevieve - Your wish is my command.

Ouch!! Time out!

I am personally grateful for this post. It is close to my own experience and I am really glad that Trowel has expressed her opinion that you can move on and find a total acceptance and happiness. I hope that I can too.

Also equally glad that Genevieve questioned a few things. I think you do need to question yourself sometimes, so that you can be more self aware. Especially around something so life changing.

Personally I am still in the thick of working through it all but the wrong side of 35. Somedays I feel, yes, I can do it all again and others I know I can't. I would like the OP be ill and unable to cope. Soemtimes I feel gutless and weak. Everyone else seems to be able to face it again, at least in my RL.

For me I have to give it time and gamble that i am still able to have another if the time comes.

One positive is the deeper bond that my DH and I now have. He has seen me at my most vulnerable and I think that has cemented us together.

TrowelandError. I'm sorry if I make you yawn.

I find that people like you often find others' views boring.

Time to STOP THIS NOW.