Tea Room the Thirteenth

[amberlight]

Welcome to the newest instalment of the One Parent Families tea room. As it's heading for spring, we're now in a nice warm orangery surrounded by woodland filled with spring flowers. All are very welcome to join in with us parents of one (or indeed more!), the tea room gardener/handyman Mellors, various virtual Bishops (don't ask) and a variety of other characters from previous tea rooms. Grab a cuppa, relax!...

ohhh, like that one. very 80s.

I note that just as dh and I are about to set off for a weekend of romance in a cottage next to a river, they're forecasting torrential rain and heavy flooding. Anyone mind if I nick the tea room rubber dinghy?

Yes, I like the chesney-inspired name!

Enjoy your w/e away Amber!

I am visiting my mum this Saturday, installing a winch-thingy for getting her out of the bath. Apparently it requires no drilling... I would take Mellors, but he is probably needed here, and anyway the shock of such manly perfection might be too much for my mum!

Morning. Coffee ladies?

Wow Amber a weekend away, how lovely!

I'm surprisingly feeling upset, my sister just emailed me two seconds ago to say she is pregnant.

Not sure how I'm feeling exactly. Upset definately but not sure why, could be because its her second child (I have an only out of choice but still waver), could be because we had a big fight and haven't spoken since Christmas (which is why she emailed me). Could be because she wants me to apologise and I can't call her to chat about preg/baby stuff until I do....but I'm not sorry, that is the problem and I don't want to just pretend to be. .

Maybe something stronger than coffee is called for!

Sounds a tricky situation AandO. How about a sneaky Baileys latte ?

Have a lovely weekend Amber, and I'm sure you will cope without Mellors Mary.

Off for a couple of days - the frozen north of Sweden, then people coming for the weekend.

Personally I never apologise unless I am sorry AandO. Without knowing the details, its difficult to say what I would do, but this MAY be an olive branch. If you can't call, can you perhaps email her back and say how pleased you are, and how pleased she must be etc etc?

I have a dilemma of my own. Food keeps going missing - biscuits, sweets, chocolate, that sort of thing. I know SOME of it is my DS, as I have caught him at it, but while he admits to some of it, he didn't admit to all of it, and DD vehemently denies taking anything. Well I've just been in her bedroom and found an uneaten chocolate bar under her pillow, which I presume means she's found my secret stash and helped herself (she hasn't had the opportunity to buy anything herself, and anyway, we generally buy the goodies and ration them out). DS is on a warnings system (2 more warnings, he loses his nintendo indefinitely, or thats what he's been told), but he is younger and has Asperger's. DD is 10 and should know better. The worst thing about it all is the lying and the fact she's been blaming her brother. And up to now I DID think it was him!

I am fed up of giving the lectures on lying and stealing and am at a loss to know what to do. Am I being too harsh? I daredn't post this in AIBU!

oh Mary, the call of chocolate can be soooo strong - I was generally pretty honest at home but my Mum used to shop at one of those warehouse places (my Grandad had a card for Makro) and buy things like Club biscuits in a box of 48. Too tempting! I think once my parents cleaned my room while I was away with friends and found 17 Orange Club wrappers down the side of my bed.

It didn't make me a bad person, I don't lie and steal in general now and I probably did suggest it was my bro and sis too (normal sibling thing, IMO, offload the pressure onto other sibs as well). The only way (IME) to stop it is to not have the stuff in the house; or to keep it under lock and key.

A&O - for you to be in that position - glad that your sis did email you and suggest the same as Mary - email her back again. I hate apologising if I don't want to - only did it a couple of times to appease my mother but never again (as far as sibs are concerned).

CMOTD - Sweden, hey? Colder than the UK? it will make you feel nice and warm when you get back, maybe!

I think that if it is just food going missing, and just treat food at that, I would stop bulk buying it, but try to buy them both small amounts of it regularly so that they aren't feeling deprived, but the temptation isn't in the house.

The place I'm going to has a university and lots of cross country skiing, snowmobiling, dogsledding etc. I think it's -10'C or so.

DS watched bobsledding this morning - so went off to nursery to teach everyone else how to play at it. He quite liked the ice skating, but not inspired to act it out

Hello there

Mary, don't blame you for being afraid of AIBU! Gymgirlie is 7 this onth and we've seen the very occasional lie but nothing big yet, so I'm not sure how I'd deal with it. You always seem so wise though I'm sure you'll do what's right.

Taking a lunch break here at my desk, just an hour to go before I finish. Tap lessons for the girlie tonight then book group for me, it's the first since before Christmas so will be nice to catch up with everyone.

Trying to sort out the girlie's birthday party, think we have settled on 8 firends and pottery painting at home - am I mad?

Cor, CMOTD - he didn't see the German girls' accident in their 2-man bob, did he? That was quite scary, lucky they were both ok.

gymbunny, I think you might be slightly mad unless you have one of those enormous kitchens with an easily washable floor (as it's too cold to do it outside) but I believe the activity itself is great fun, so not that mad!

Am a bit peed off that I carefully managed to miss the ice dancing free dance - my favourite bit - it's on after bed time here so keep missing things. And they don't show repeats of things that don't involve Australians winning, unless it's something really cool like the Canadians taking gold and silver in the womens' 2-man bob.

All I seem to be seeing is the biathlon (boring) or long-distance cross country skiing (boring) or relay (still boring!) or ski jumping (boring after the first 30 or so!) whereas I would really like to see the ski-cross, mogul, downhill, freestyle and snowboarding as well as the bob/skeleton/teatray events...

A&O can you pretend that whatever 'thing' that you disagreed about hasn't/didn't happen and just relegate it to somewhere that doesn't need to be spoken about? And use the email as a way in? Difficult to suggest anything as we're not familiar with the problem situation or your general family dynamics.

Mary - ds tells some whoppers - and he's not yet 5 - we have now read several different versions of 'the boy that cried wolf' !!!! If its about food/chocolate biscuits etc, I would be minded to turn it round - give your daughter a box on a shelf or something similar which is 'her' place for things - and give her 'her' portion at the beginning of the week, or when you've been shopping etc - anything else like this should be well and truely unavailable. If she eats it all on one day, there should be absolutely no way of her getting any more until its next shopping day. This way she can see that she is getting her fair share - but no more!

We've tried separate choc boxes - but then you get one eating out of the other's box, and then arguing over who had what.

They get a treat at supper time every day, so its not as if they're deprived. And occasionally at other times too! (Like if mummy wants something ). But if I did away with supper time, there'd be a rebellion!

I have also hidden stuff before, but then you have the situation is that sometimes they find it, and eat the lot and I've no idea when it happens, or on the odd occasion, I've forgotten where I've hidden stuff! This happened last year with their Easter chocs

I have now stolen DD's nintendo, I wonder how that will be received? Although I have to admit its the lying more than anything that gets to me.

We watched the curling the other night, got quite exciting towards the end, although once the Swiss won, it was all over...

That's hard Mary. Shame the seperate boxes didn't work, I thought that was a really good idea. I suppose you could say that because of the choc taking you won't be able to keep anymore sweet stuff in the house as a consequence, and wait to see if that stops it?

I will email her back, I can't call it would be too hard. Basically we have a large intense family and all stay in together for christmas. On the day after boxing day I mentioned that I was going out to meet a friend (really good friend, lives overseas, hadn't seen her in a year, won't see her again for another year, and she was going home two days later) in the evening. She got really upset, said I didn't care about the family, that it was all about my friends (that is total rubbish, I'm all family). I said I was trying to prioritise seeing people I rarely see while they are around for Christmas. She got hysterical. Said she was leaving, said she would host her own New Years day dinner as she didn't want to be near me, then invited the rest of my family to go to her dinner. She said some angry stuff to me (can't remember what) and I just saw red and told her to go to hell. It then carried on for days, she walked out the room when I walked in etc. I went to her and said that we have to get past this for the sake of the family and the rest of christmas, that we were both angry and said things we didn't mean, and that lets just move on and be friends again. She asked me to apologise I said that I wasn't sorry, we didn't speak again and both left shortly afterwards.

Now in the email she has asked for an apology. When it comes down to it I think its not on to tell someone to go to hell and that I was just speaking out of anger at that point. But she was really really nasty to me and dh afterwards. Told dh he was under the thumb and all that, was continually critical of every word I said on any topic from then on.

Sorry for long post !

Perhaps I could say I'll apologise if you do?

I am an expert in phrasing words that sound like an apology but actually aren't.

Something along the lines of "I am really sorry you were upset at Christmas". Because you are sorry she was upset. Its totally different from saying "I'm sorry I upset you at Christmas". Perhaps add some flannel to your words, keep it sweet and short though.

But from what you said, she was being completely unreasonable. If you can get away without referring to what happened, so much the better as it would just turn into an "I said, you said" slanging match.

How astute is she AandO? Cos personally I take apologies like Mary's exactly how they're meant ('I'm sorry you feel that way' being the absolute epitome of the double-edged apology).

How about ... 'I agree, I do need to apologise for telling you to go to hell. That was unacceptable - I am sorry I said that to you. But I think you need to apologise for [specific thing she said to you and/or DH]' Then you're apologising for what you did that was wrong (not for meeting your friend!) and making it clear that she was out of order too, and that you won't be pushed around.

Just had car crash - or rather a blonde lady in a Z3 ran into the back of mine and nearly wrote hers off in the process. Flora was magnificent and hasn't a scratch on her, bless her. I think I'm ok...

Oh no, Amber.

Would you like a hot strong tea? And/or soothing neck rub from Mellors?

Gosh, Amber. Thank goodness you weren't hurt, do you feel OK?

Yes please for tea and neck rub, or maybe a medicinal virtual glass of something. Feel shaken now, probably not very surprisingly. She forgot which was the accelerator, she said.

forgot which was the accelerator??? Good grief!

Crikey Amber - glad you are Ok but a rather worrying state of her awareness, eek.
AandO - if this has happened on occasions before, my personal experience is until you tackle it, it will keep happening and eventually you dread communication or contact with the perosn just in case you catch them on a crazy day! I like don'tcallmebaby's suggestion - I've done something similar and it's helped in the long run.

yo all
I fell asleep in yoga class today and dreamt I was in the tea room.... It was interesting having a text dream.

DH working up north tomorrow & boiler being serviced so it'll be cold in morning. I'll have housework to get done while boy is at preschool so if you see me in here tomorrow shout at me and check I've done the washing up... or at least loaded the dishwasher.

nigt all

ps- "moos" has been suhested in RL as a team name- mums of onlies. as has "yogic cows" not sure about either of those.

Hm, I can be dippy (forgot to take my car home with me on Sunday, forgot my neighbour was taking DD to school today, and then forgot DD had art club after school) but have never forgotten which is the accelerator. I did however pull onto a road in the carpark at work a few weeks back thinking 'god I feel ill and not-with-it, I really shouldn't drive like this' and then nearly ran into someone - slammed my foot on the brake only for it to slip between brake and accelerator. Scary things, cars.

In a shocking development, it has been announced that due to an 'oversight' (we think someone forgot the licence) there will be no alcohol served at quiz. But we're allowed to bring our own.