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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Tea Room the Thirteenth

984 replies

amberlight · 31/01/2010 15:49

Welcome to the newest instalment of the One Parent Families tea room. As it's heading for spring, we're now in a nice warm orangery surrounded by woodland filled with spring flowers. All are very welcome to join in with us parents of one (or indeed more!), the tea room gardener/handyman Mellors, various virtual Bishops (don't ask) and a variety of other characters from previous tea rooms. Grab a cuppa, relax!...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
thumbwitch · 23/02/2010 14:57

Thanks ladies!

stillcrazy, may I offer flat ginger ale as an option? or possibly flat tonic water (not slimline) if she'll drink it? Both the ginger (minimal) and the quinine can help with sickness - I used to keep a bottle of each in the house specifically for sicky occasions. To make it go flat quickly, dilute it with tap water.

Must go to bed now, hope everyone else gets over their ailments soon

amber - well done!

MaryBS · 24/02/2010 06:46

The chemists sell dioralyte, which helps when a child is dehydrated due to sickness, it comes in sachets which you dilute in water.

Wonder of wonders, I slept through till 6am, can't remember the last time I slept through! Years I think! I had a good day yesterday, that probably helped!

MindySimmons · 24/02/2010 07:18

Lots of tummy bugs in this region at the mo - it appears to be 2-3 days so I really hope it lifts soon stillcrazy.
I'm afraid I have a bit of a full on one child family question, it's been done many times on the board but wanted to pose it to the tea room. Getting the impression dh thinks another wouldn't be much more work and perhaps we shouldn't rule it out. Tbh think he is genuinely fairly ambivalent about but I feel I'm a better mum of one than I would be of more. Problem is all the guilty feelings rise up again of whether I'm being fair to dd. Sorry if this is rather selfish as I know there's others here who have not chosen to have one but I'm surrounded by 2 plus families so no one else understands.

Oh and I should mention it's ljhooray here but had to change names due to account hacking!

mistlethrush · 24/02/2010 09:06

LJ - sorry you've had an account hacking situation - hope not too problematical.

One child v. two.

I'd always wanted two - I have no idea why. But it doesn't seem to be that it will happen. So, what's good about just having ds (nearly 5)... Cuddling up in the morning for 5 mins talking about his forthcoming party. Spending time with him reading - without interuptions. Dinosaur books. Being able to do things that are just right for HIM, NOW. GOing to dress rehearsals of things that Dh is playing in and managing to stay for a reasonable length of time. Having enough money (OK, not at the moment, but normally) to be able to given him the best chances possible. Having only one age-range of toys available in the sitting room, and not having to tidy all the small lego and brio parts away. Having other children and their siblings round and sending them back home - so that there is only one to cope with!

Given how challenging we find him at times (although he seems to be miraculously good at the moment - at least for him!) I don't know how we would actually cope with a 2nd... what would happen if they were equally strong-willed -they might even be more difficult - which would then compound the issues with ds.

His teacher has commented upon his language skills - several years ahead - because we talk to him 'normally' using adult language, and explain any words to him that he doesn't understand.

My particular slant is that I'm an only child myself. I never 'missed' having a sibling - in fact, I almost certainly benefitted in some ways - I'm sure I wouldn't have been allowed to take up a 3rd instrument at school - and that has turned into my main instrument. And it might have been more difficult doing the amount of music and horse riding I did if there was another sibling to transport around to their sport and music lessons etc.

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 24/02/2010 10:12

Mindy - I think Mistle has described very well the positive aspects of having one child and you have said that you feel very comfortable as a mother of one. I saw something recently (was it linked to that 'have one child and save the planet' thread? I can't remember) that suggested that only children did not suffer socially and often quite the reverse, as they put more effort into friendships and social relationships.

Anyway, I can understand your uncertainty - especially if your dh seems to be edging towards the 'maybe another one' position - but I suspect that asking whether you're being fair (or not) to your dd will leave you going round in circles.

People do pop up on this board from time to time to tell us that we're being unfair to our children in not providing them with siblings. But that always seems to be coming from an assumption that siblings will be (a) close in age (b) playmates when young (c) friends and a source of solace and comfort when older and (d) sharing the load of assisting elderly parents. None of these things, though, are true - at least, not invariably. Children are often not in the least interested in a sibling who's years younger than them and there are plenty of AIBU and Relationship threads to show that sibling relationships can be blissful but are often quite dysfunctional. There are plenty of people left caring for their parents while their siblings can't be arsed pursue other priorities.

And if you turn it on its head, you could argue that having another child would be unfair on your dd, because (sorry, I forget exactly how old she is) she'd have her world turned upside down, she'd get far less attention than she's used to while you look after a tiny baby, she'll have to spend at least some of her time trailing around to baby gym or whatever when she'd rather be pursuing her own interests etc etc. That's not to say, of course, that you would be unfair on dd if you had another baby - I'm just trying to illustrate that the fair/unfair argument can be used in either direction and isn't (in my view) very helpful when it comes to deciding what to do.

What I always say on threads about this is that having a baby is too huge and irreversible a step to take unless you're quite sure that it's what you want. It's not like buying a handbag, when you can repent at leisure and send your mistake to the charity shop. Take time to think about what you really want - have you tried to picture what your family will look like in 5/10/20 years' time?

Sorry. Have droned on for far too long. Am going a little stir crazy here and starting to babble.

thumbwitch · 24/02/2010 12:46

mindy, I am also a little in 2 minds about having a second, but DH has always wanted 2 so we are still trying. As time goes on though, I get more worried about it - DS will definitely be 3+ if/when a sibling arrives and, as I was nearly 4 when my mum had my bro and sis and I bitterly resented thm coming along, I worry that the age gap is going to be too big now.

In the end though, miniThumb is not me. Having been in a position of feeling ousted by younger sibs, I would hope that I would be able to manage the situation better than my poor mum (who was an unhappy only and was convinced I should be grateful that she had provided me with sibs and not left me in the same position that she was in) - but the problem may never arise, we don't know yet.

I don't think "fair" comes into it, tbh. Your DD might be a very happy only, or she might be hankering for a sib - either way, in the end you can only do what you can (iyswim) and if it means another DC then great (or not, stillcrazy makes valuable points) - if not, then also great.

Stillcrazy - sounds like crazygirl is still unwell, sorry to hear that.

CMOTdibbler · 24/02/2010 13:08

Tricky one - I think the one thing you can be sure of is that either way your DS will be fine. My colleague has a huge gap between each of her children (7 years, and there are 3 of them, so the oldest is 16, youngest 3), and they are very fond of each other. And obv we know that being an only child is fine too (as long as you are careful not to be too hanging onto them, and they have plenty of socialisation time).

Still Crazy - I am sending Mr Charles Rivenhall to you forthwith, with a bucket, mop, and a small bouquet of flowers to lift your spirits

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 24/02/2010 14:35

Phew. We seemed to have turned a corner here. Mind you, there seems to be a commotion going on in the street. Mellors appears to be fighting a duel with a Regency buck. They are using mops.

mistlethrush · 24/02/2010 14:49

Glad things are looking up SC...

MindySimmons · 24/02/2010 15:29

Thank you so much everyone - and SC all the points you raise are exactly how I feel. In addition, although it doesn't make a huge difference I suppose, my dh has some relatively serious health issues - he's really well right now and has been for a long time, but as a transplant patient, you can never take things for granted. This also means I consider myself the main income earner too. In my heart of hearts, I feel I have my grip on everything pretty well and very happy with my lot. Acutely aware of the difference another dc would bring and only one of the things above would need to shift in order for things to really be quite pressured. Sounds like I'm a very glass half empty person reading this back and I'm really not! I think all in all, I consider myself a very lucky lady in lots of ways and very fulfilled.

Although, do quite fancy a pet...;-)
SC - very glad things are calming down on the home frint but sounds rather exciting outside - is Mellors in his ceremonial battle pouch?

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 24/02/2010 15:40

Ceremonial battle pouch?

MaryBS · 24/02/2010 17:29

argh, been to dentist for filling, argh

amberlight · 24/02/2010 17:31

Ah, I can see how the confusion arose. That is in fact the Tea Room Sack Race happening out there, I think

OP posts:
StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 24/02/2010 18:36

Thank you for the explanation, Amber. I had wondered whether it was a rehearsal for the 2012 Olympics (naked wrestling, Ancient Greek-stylee )

UniS · 24/02/2010 20:15

Sack race I think.... Mellors is still wearing his winners laurel wreath, and not much besides... maybe it was wrestling after all...

I like having one child. It makes it easy to decide what we do today.( only having 3 of us to consider) Mindy- I should get a dog if I were you...
However I'm not getting any pets myself as I like being able to load us in the car or on bikes and take off for weekend with very little hassle.

Pub quiz team is considering a name change. your ideas please for team of mums of onlylies.( yes in RL, a whole pub quiz team of us).
I suggested "naked mohawk babies", but as the others looked at me blankly I guess none of them are tea room denizens.

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 24/02/2010 20:35

I think Naked Mohawk Babies would be a great name for a quiz team, unless you're competing in the sort of pub which has strippers at lunchtime. In which case, all sorts of confusions could arise.

I see that Amber very thoughtfully left a couple of bottles out. Ah-ha. A rather fine Pinot Grigio and a cheeky Merlot. Would anyone care to indulge? having rummaged in the cupboards, I've also found some olives and cracked black pepper crisps to put in the handmade-by-potters bowls.

MaryBS · 24/02/2010 20:36

Eek, no, cloves are disgusting, but thank you anyway!

How about 1+1=3 for your team name?

I was in a quiz the other night, our team came up with the name "The Manuels" because "we knew nuurthing"

UniS · 24/02/2010 20:48

current quiz team name is odd, it makes sence when you know the history of the team, but just read out sounds like we are bunch of knickerless bimbos.

I'm wondering about yummy mummys. Coz we so are not.

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 24/02/2010 20:49

Ooooh. Mary's suggestion for a team name is ace! May I have a bragging moment? We were in a quiz recently and We Won.

Pinot gigglio, anyone?

UniS · 24/02/2010 20:50

may be "OK mums" (OK standing for one kid )?

StillCrazyAfterAllTheseYears · 24/02/2010 20:52

Knickerless bimbos? In that case, Naked Mohawk Babies might be a move upmarket!

UniS · 24/02/2010 21:07

you see... team used to be 2 couples, each with a bloke named nicholas. so twas chicks with nics. then blokes stopped doing it, girls carried on and drafted in some other women, and became chicks with no ... but the jokes getting a bit thin now we all have kid.

RacingSnake · 24/02/2010 21:08

I remember when I used to be on winning teams ... especially the year when they not only had a round about latin phrases (all of which as a Spanish speaker I could work out with no effort) and used the same questions as the year before - which no-one else seemed to have spotted! Ah, the glory!

More recently, I have been on two staff vs parents teams where we have won the wooden spoon.

One vs two - what about the environment, world running out of resources, fact that it could be portrayed as extremely selfish and self indulgent to have more than one child. Ask Sir David.

DontCallMeBaby · 24/02/2010 21:31

Ooh, if all goes according to plan I will be doing the PTA quiz night on Friday, might have to steal Naked Mohawk Babies as a name ... no other mums of single children involved though. If that matters. Am rambling. Actually we need a fourth member, and currently have me, a mother of two and a mother of three - we either need a mother of four (I can only think of one that I know) or of none. We could cheat and co-opt a dad I guess.

I've been out at a governors' meeting (re headship appointment; getting exciting now) leaving my parents to look after DD. Unfortunately as they were leaving my mum accidentally let one of the cats out - they normally stay in after dark. So I've had to re-open the catflap (incoming only) in the hope that he'll return. I'm worried about him, and his brother looks all lost and pathetic!

Anyway, the Question (lj's) ... I firmly believe you have a child (first, second, third ...) because you want one. Not because you should, or you might as well, and for YOURSELF, not for an existing child (or your partner, or your parents ...) You should far from glass-half-empty lj you should like you're coming up with reasons not to have a second child, because you don't really want one. I may be wrong. And DH is ambivalent, and thinks a second wouldn't be much more work? What if s/he WAS a lot of work?

thumbwitch · 24/02/2010 23:44

What about We Are The One and Onlies (after Chesney Hawkes excellent one-off single)? It has resonance on so many levels...

no doubt you lot have all scarfed the pinot gigglio... ooh no, there's some over there, lovely!

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