Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

'Mummy, mummy. Please play with me.' Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!

47 replies

Currypowder · 06/05/2009 19:44

Have just reached for the wine after a day of playing, Playing, PLAYING!!! Well, trying to avoid it if I'm honest.

Some days I can't get into the groove of one to one with my son. I have this glazed feeling and all I want to do is Google really unimportant stuff in a trance like state.

Then I feel guilty that he is an only. But tonight I suddenly thought. 'I wonder if mumsnet has an only child section'. And here you are.

Have already wept at some of the threads as it so describes how I feel about only having one child (basically did not want to put our little unit through extensive IVF to provide a sibling). Quite regular guilt trips about this especially as ALL my circle of friends now have more than one and when I see the siblings interacting it makes me want to cry.

Most of the time I am a really good Mum and sometimes I am average. Rarely I am a crap one.

Today I have been crap. TV has been on and when it hasn't I have been trying to engage him in stuff I need to do, which basically makes the jobs that much more arduous. Which makes me really crabby.

Anyway, my little darling is now in bed. Tomorrow is another day and now I have found 'One-child families'. Hey-ho!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

DLI · 06/05/2009 19:48

hi i have an only child and it can be a struggle when they want your attention all the time! how old is youe ds?

Original poster

Currypowder · 06/05/2009 19:52

He is nearly 4. Starts school in September. I do work part-time so do get time away but still somedays I find it so hard.

He is a lovely boy and I am really proud of him but this constant demand for me to play with him is a killer!

OP posts:

feedthegoat · 06/05/2009 19:52

I must admit I find this part of having an only child very draining. My ds is 3.6 and won't play on his own for long. My dh is isn't going to change his mind about having any more. I feel sorry for ds sometimes as he loves other kids but I just try to socialise with other mums and children as often as possible.

choufleur · 06/05/2009 19:55

i can't remember the last time i spent the entire day in the house with DS (3). i have to get out and do stuff. it's not so bad now but when he was younger the constant attention he needed was very wearing.

Original poster

Currypowder · 06/05/2009 19:59

DS is so good with younger kids. I know he would love a sibling. We chose not to have another as a, it would cost us a fortune (IVF) b, couldn't put ourselves through the possible failure again c, not sure we as a couple could cope with another.

So the arguement against another child is very strong.

We do see lot's of people with kids throughout the week. I just wish he would play on his own more. Any tips anyone??

OP posts:

Takver · 06/05/2009 20:09

I know this doesn't help now, but once my dd started going to school she also did more on her own at home.

Will your ds carry on with painting, making, whatever if you set him up with it & get him started?

If my dd was/is in the mood for wanting loads of attention it was often more successful getting her doing something at the kitchen table or near to wherever I wanted to be, so that I could chat to her whilst doing something else.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 06/05/2009 20:14

My child's at school now, so we've moved beyond the at home together all day stage, but I remember it well. It is hard (although I'm not sure how much easier it would be with a second child, as they don't necessarily want to play together and you then have to referee the squabbles).

I don't have many tips to offer, except to find something that your son really likes doing and can do on his own - with my daughter it was drawing - and then encourage that for all it's worth. It also became easier once my daughter worked out how to switch the TV on, although that's a very mixed blessing as she's now hooked on it . I also used to offer a deal, so that if she would amuse herself for 20 minutes while I did something, I'd go and play after that.

I'm sorry you're feeling guilty about not having a second child. When you were looking at old threads, did you see this recent one?

And may I be the first to invite you to the tea room? Amongst the cocktail drinking and general banter, we often chat about the experience of being a mother of one. Some of the regulars there have got boys of about your son's age, so maybe they have some good advice to offer too. Please drop in at any time for a drink and a chat.

Original poster

Currypowder · 06/05/2009 20:18

Thanks Takver.

I kind of guessed that school changes everything, that is why I feel so bad today. I only have 4 months to go till he starts school so why am I finding it so difficult?? Anyway stop moaning currypowder.

You are absolutley right. He loves a sinkful of water with his boats in. I can then get on with kitchen duty!

If I really dissect the problem (don't laugh) I think it is because all ds wants to do is play with his Playmobil pirates and I basically can't do it anymore! The vacuum is too good a place for bloody Playmobil.

Think I'll go and buy some Moon Sand tomorrow because I quite fancy having a go at that myself!!

OP posts:

BFQi · 06/05/2009 20:20

Hi, I really struggle with this too, in fact I almost started a thread like this yesterday. Perhaps someone with an older child might come along soon and give us some hope for the situation improving in the future (my DS is 4.5).

One of the worst bits for me is that my DH does quite a lot of playing when he's at home (not sure if it's a personality difference or just that he has more energy for it because he's around DS less), so I sometimes feel like I'm the one who does the tedious tasks and am written off as the boring parent too.

I know it can help to enter into the playing 100% (for a set amount of time, at least), rather than constantly be trying to escape it, but sometimes I can't bring myself to do that. Yesterday was a not-so-good day, and I decided to try somethign new: we've made a list of things he really likes doing or would like to do, and then he can choose one every afternoon for us to do for an hour or so. We're both quite pleased with the idea, and so far he has seemed more settled the rest of the time.

Does your DS have people round to play, or do you have regular things that you do together out and about? I think a bit of structure can help psychologically in breaking up the day/week if it seems endless.

I'm getting quite pragmatic about needing to find ways for my DS to be around other children as much as possible, but it makes me so sad that I have to engineer it in that way at all

Sorry, this has turned out really long. Good luck, though. And let's hope for some good advice on here.

squeaver · 06/05/2009 20:23

Just to let you know, I think you're in the dying stages of this. My dd is 4.5 and does half days at nursery. A year ago, she was just like your ds. Now it's much, much less.

Madbad's advice about finding something he enjoys is excellent (for my dd it's playing with her ponies or her lego). And, if he's playing quietly and happily by himself resist all temptation to ask him how he's getting on or help out.

You'll be fine!

Original poster

Currypowder · 06/05/2009 20:24

Thankyou too MadBad....

I will try the 20 minute negotiation (is that a word??) Second glass of wine so spelling has gone arwy.

Think I'll also take a stumble into the tearoom especially now they are serving cocktails.

Quite delighted to have found you all. However will have to nip off to see 'The Apprentice' at 9pm. Off now to check out your thread link.

OP posts:

squeaver · 06/05/2009 20:25

Oh, and turn the bloody TV on now and again FGS!

BananaFruitBat · 06/05/2009 20:25

Moonsand is fantastic. Get the Dinosaur one.

Oh, and DS still insists I play with him, and he's been at school since last September.

BFQi · 06/05/2009 20:28

Sorry, crossed post with a few people there. I'm so slow!

I can really identify with your pirate problem. It's similar here. If only he would draw or something! Instead he wants to make up elaborate fantasy scenarios with various talking animals and vehicles.

izyboy · 06/05/2009 20:32

Ok Curry, hope this makes you feel better.. I have 2 kids as it happens.. but with nearly 3 years between them so really, even if you were in a position to have more kids, he may still at this point be an only. My DS was still playng alone at 4.5 and actually seemed ok with it too (had no choice no way was I going to play 'cars' for 4 years!)Please dont feel guilty, you are but human!

CurlyWurlyGirly · 06/05/2009 20:32

Hi Currypowder, yes i'm going through exactly the same thing. I have to say the previous thread that has been linked to you already helped me immensly with the whole guilt thing. Giving myself time to grieve about dd being an only, even though it's my decision due to circumstances (sim to you) about not having another, has definatley helped. and of course finding lots of likeminded people here! Yes, dd's inability to play by herself is infuriating at the best of times. Painting is her torture of choice for me at the moment so not only do i have to play, i get messy & i have to clear up afterwards too...sheer brilliance. I think it does get better as they get older and i also think in the long term, only children are almost better at amusing themselves. Funny, i was in elc today and there were 2 sisters close in age, their grandmother had to buy 2 identical toy tills because they refused to play together or share, that's when i realised that a lot of dd's behaviour i put down to being an only is just her being a child and a sibling is not guarenteed to solve the playing by self scenario! I really feel for you as i only posted my thread at the weekend and was feeling very blue but finding this forum has been a sanity-saver. let me know how moon sand goes, for my own selfish reasons as i'm not sure whether to get or not! sending you a big hug, .

Takver · 06/05/2009 20:34

The other thing I feel is that part of having an only DC is accepting that you do have to do more when they are small to help them have other children to be around. BUT you don't have to deal with fighting siblings, so what goes around comes around IYSWIM.

I have to say that when we were choosing between two houses to move to, we didn't pick what would have otherwise been our first choice, because it was too isolated, instead we went for a house right in town right next to the council estate where there are loads of kids. Equally, of course, because we only have one child we can live in a much smaller and cheaper house and not have to work so hard!!!

PortoPandemico · 06/05/2009 20:35

Well if it is any consolation, my dd is just 5 and she had been much less demanding in recent months. She still goes through periods of demanding attention, but at the weekend will go and play dollies in her bedroom for ages. I provide a drink/some biccies and hey presto, a tea party. She also likes a camp (blanket over dining table) and will sit in there for ages bossing her toys about. We still do have to do lots of lego/painting/stickers but it is bearable.

izyboy · 06/05/2009 20:36

Sorry that's 4 years between them. I am an only btw and to be honest, if your son has a stable, welcoming home he will be absolutely fine.

Takver · 06/05/2009 20:37

Sorry x posted with others.

I think it is all easier for me because I am an only, so I don't feel the guilt thing as I never found it a problem at all. I was spoilt rotten though as I was a late baby after many unsuccessful years of my parents TTC

Original poster

Currypowder · 06/05/2009 20:45

Crikey. You lot are fantastic. I was meant to be making a Roman blind tonight (DS's 4th birthday party in 2 weeks, house has got to look good, self inflicted pressure thing going on). Instead, I drink too much wine and get to feel a whole lot better about having only one kid. Marvellous!

I no longer can thank you individually but I am truly grateful and have taken everything on board. I especially like the list idea so he can choose a thing for us to do together for an hour. Guess what...Playmobil pirates will NOT be on it.

Moonsand here I come, although I quite fancy the pet shop one.

OP posts:

feedthegoat · 06/05/2009 21:12

Hope you have better luck with the moonsand than we did. It looked like something out of the hoover bag after ds had had his hands on it for 5 minutes and mixed the colours together!

squeaver · 06/05/2009 21:26

Oh and Moonsand is the devil's work, imo.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 06/05/2009 21:28

Currypowder - Could you engineer things in such a way that your son gets lots of lovely do-alone things for his birthday and no more playmobil?

squilly · 06/05/2009 21:50

My dd is 8 now, has been at school for some time and has a good circle of friends. She has gone past this phase, thank goodness. It was so exhausting.

We were talking about it just the other night. Her favourite thing, when small, was to say 'hand, hand' and make us stand up and go to wherever she wanted to go to play, or look at things. She never stopped with it. During meals, whilst we were watching telly, the minute we sat down. Boy, was that a relief when that stopped!

This is a short lived phase and as their independence increases, so their need for you to play diminishes. It never disappears, but when you can wave them towards a laptop or a DS or the WII, life gets easier.

It's tough now, but know that it's short term. And I can relate to the guilt at lack of siblings, but sometimes we don't get much choice. We can bang our head against a brick wall, keep trying for the siblings, or accept that we have one gorgeous child and make the most of it! Enjoy your DS....

Flip

1 2