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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Aargh! DH says choice of having more than one is up to me...

32 replies

LittleOneMum · 29/01/2009 11:36

I'm really struggling today with what to do and am hoping for your pearls of wisdom.

I have one lovely DS - 16 months old. I found the first 6 months really hard but the last 10 months have been great and I love him very much.

DH is an only, and over the last couple of months we have been talking about having another baby. Maybe. I am in two minds about it and have been really struggling with deciding. In many ways I am happy with one and I am not too keen to go through the first few months again.

Then last night DH said 'Ultimately it is up to you. I am happy with one. I can see the benefits of one. I will also love number two if that's what you want to do. Ultimately I want what makes you happy' and although that sounds nice I'm now really struggling with having to make the decision on my own. How on earth do I decide???

I really do not intend to offend anyone who wants another but can't, or whose DH does not want another, so please accept apologies in advance if you are offended.

OP posts:

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meemar · 29/01/2009 11:37

Do you need to decide now? Why don't you just leave it for 6 months and see how you feel?

ForeverOptimistic · 29/01/2009 11:38

I would go for number 2. How old are you? If you have time on your side you could wait until ds is at nursery before you conceive if you are worried about the early days.

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 29/01/2009 11:42

I'm 35, so not exactly spring chicken but not too old. Part of me thinks that if I'm going to do it, I should go for number 2 sooner rather than later?

OP posts:

Niecie · 29/01/2009 11:45

I agree that if you don't have to decide now, leave it. It might become easier in 6 mths time.

The other thing to do is try and imagine your life when you are 45. Would you be sad you didn't have any more children or do you really only see yourself with one.

Or, if the opportunity of having another child was taken away, how would that make you feel? Woud you just shrug your shoulders and be happy with one, or would you be devastated?

TBH, if you can cope financially and you are able to have another child, the fact you are asking the question suggests to me you will probably want to go for another one but that is just my feeling about these things.

Niecie · 29/01/2009 11:45

I agree that if you don't have to decide now, leave it. It might become easier in 6 mths time.

The other thing to do is try and imagine your life when you are 45. Would you be sad you didn't have any more children or do you really only see yourself with one.

Or, if the opportunity of having another child was taken away, how would that make you feel? Woud you just shrug your shoulders and be happy with one, or would you be devastated?

Niecie · 29/01/2009 11:45

Oh sorry, don't know what happened there.

CaptainKarvol · 29/01/2009 11:46

Wait a bit. I knew I wanted another, but couldn't face the first few months again either (DS doesn't sleep well at all). Number 2 child is now imminent, just as DS is about to turn 3. I wouldn't have wanted to do this any earlier. But a word of warning - I was 34 when I had DS, will be 37 (very nearly 38) when this one arrives, and it does feel awfully close to the wire. Also had problems concieving this one, wheras DS was a doddle to get!

fizzledizzle · 29/01/2009 11:48

i'd go for it. we pondered for 3 and a bit years! over number two but i have never regretted it. but that isnt to say that only children arent really happy children but when we had two the house felt full of life and i loved that

meemar · 29/01/2009 11:51

You have to go with your heart and your gut. What are they saying to you? Do you see yourself with more than one child. Did you imagine that you would always have more than one?

If so, then go for it. You won't regret having another baby, but you may regret having never tried.Your husband sounds great and supportive

CatIsSleepy · 29/01/2009 11:52

agree with capt Karvol (actually am the same age as cK and will have the same age gap too when dc2 is born...)
wait a bit-it took me a while to want a second but then I got really broody
I guess the difference is I always knew I wanted more than one, it was just a question of timing-but still, I wasn't ready for it when others around me were getting pg with their second
am worried about the first few months too but it's a short amount of time really (yes I have to keep telling myself that as it looms closer )

daisy99divine · 29/01/2009 11:53

there was a thread by Tea42 just recently on a similar theme - feeling happy with one but worried too - maybe have a look at that? I am hopeless with links but it is just a few threads down!

Perhaps you don't have to decide right away? do you have friends with 2 or more that you could talk to/ see how they are? what about other mums with babies same age as your one? are they talking/ planning and is that making you feel under pressure?

I realised (my DS is 2.6) that when I felt sad seeing other mums pregnant with more it was a sadness borne out of not being pregnant myself with that lovely warm knowledge of making a baby and knowing I was not going to have that or the birth or the special feeling of greeting a baby rather than sadness at not having a second child (IYSWIM?)

all very personal decisions, but other people's ideas are what we're here for, no?

good luck anyway, I would suggest give it a bit of time!

gegs73 · 29/01/2009 12:02

I would go for it. I felt much the same before I got pregnant with DS2. I found the baby months very difficult with DS1 but he was delightful from about 15mo. I decided to go for it in the end and yes, DS2's baby years were difficult but I was more prepared so less stressed about the whole thing. DS2 is now 20mo and gorgeous. Like others have said our house feels more lively (bit too lively at times!)and DS1 and DS2 love playing together. Only thing I'd say is if you leave it another 6 months or so, if your DS is nearer to 3 he can get funding for pre-school which will give you more time with your baby. Good luck with everything!

Mimia · 29/01/2009 12:26

Daisy99divine makes a good point. My DD is 2.7 and it has niggled me before why I feel abit sad seeing pregnant ladies but yet I really don't want another by choice. For me it was a nostalgia about being pregnant with DD and how lovely it used to feel when I was carrying her, but for me that is nothing to do with wanting a second child, because if I try the look at yourself when you are 45 trick, I can't see anything other than my family of 3 (well DD will be moved about by then I hope lol!).

I agree that if you are not sure, just give it time.

teafortwo · 29/01/2009 12:30

Littleonemum - I kinda know what you mean....

SEE....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/689175-what-happens-if

rivadiva · 29/01/2009 14:26

Hi LittleOneMum.

I think you have still got a little bit more time to decide if you want to have them fairly close together.

Don't end up in my situation-see thread "So worried I am going to regret having only one child".

My DS is now four and half and I am still struggling to make the decision to have another one! The thought of going back to the baby stage/broken nights/nappies etc. is almost beyond contemplation!

The first few months are tough but it might be easier having two little ones together and getting it over with instead of a long gap and starting again after a few years.

teafortwo · 29/01/2009 14:45

Funny, rivadiva - I can't imagine doing it again now (dd is nearly three). The idea of it feels really not nice but I can sort of imagine doing it again when milkfortwo is over the age of maybe six or seven maybe eight or nine even. But then when she gets to that age maybe I would be thinking - Oh no!!! It is so lovely as it is why would I want to change this?

I suppose at the end of the day we will all have to go with our hearts - whatever they tell us!

Soph73 · 29/01/2009 15:22

I was absolutely adamant that I wouldn't have any more after DS1 and I mean absolutely. Then when he reached about 4yo I got really really broody. We now have DS2 and there's a 5 and a half year age gap between DS1 & 2. I still can't pinpoint what changed my mind as I could never see myself with 2 children. Now I've got them it's great & it was so much easier dealing with DS2 when he was newborn than DS1. I'm also really pleased I did decide to have another as I know that I would have looked back and really regretted not trying.

I suggest you wait a little while littleonemum but I think that you've probably made up your mind already. Best of luck on whatever decision you make and your DH sounds absolutely lovely so at least you're safe in the knowledge that whatever you decide you've got his full support.

Bullerbychildren · 29/01/2009 15:44

Well I'm at the grand old age of 45 and don't for one minute regret having just one child. It's fab.

And our household of three if full of life thank you very much

rivadiva · 29/01/2009 16:23

teafortwo-that's exactly how I felt! I couldn't face the thought of it when DS was two and three but I kept thinking something/some feeling/broodiness would kick in but it hasn't.

Now DS is four I think everything is lovely and sorted and life is going well.

I wish I could say "ok, let's wait until DS is eight, nine or ten and see if I still feel this way" but unfortunately time is not on my side age-wise.

Sorry for hijack!

teafortwo · 29/01/2009 16:40

No no no rivadiva - Don't call that a hijack -I don't believe that was a hijack at all, at all, at all! I am sure the OP found what you wrote as touching and interesting as I did. That is what mn is all about - not feeling alone in your thoughts. I found it a wonderful post. Thank you.

Bullerbychildren - When I am 45 I want to be as happy as you about my decision. You are my hero!!!

By the way - we are having an age dropping session in the tearoom - I have a feeling you will enjoy it there as would everyoneelse on this thread - please pop in for a scone or something anytime. It would mean a lot to me.

rivadiva · 29/01/2009 17:15

Thank you teafortwo.

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 29/01/2009 17:24

You're all LOVELIES! Thanks so much.

OP posts:

teafortwo · 29/01/2009 17:32

riva - I will come and post on your thread but at the moment am busy with cooking stuff and I want to give it 100percent attention.

rivadiva · 29/01/2009 17:55

Thank you! .

I need to go as well and do bathtime.

Will be watching your thread with interest LittleOneMum!

boccadellaverita · 29/01/2009 18:34

I don't want to send this thread spinning off in another direction, but I sincerely believe that if anyone has to talk themself into having another baby it probably isn't the right thing for them. I can see that, for anyone contemplating a second baby, there are lot of issues to weigh up - and any decision is likely to be based on the relative balance between pros and cons - and there may be good reasons for going ahead even if they're not entirely convinced. But on some other threads I've seen people saying things along the lines of 'I don't think I really want to, but perhaps I should'. Having another baby is such a major life event and I really worry that anyone going into it with such huge reservations may be very disappointed or unhappy afterwards.

Please do all come to the tea room!

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