How to accept being a one child family not by choice?

[Jingles85]

Hi all

Im almost 41 and have a DD who is 3 1/2. Shes an IVF baby who took over 7 years of IVF to appear, with many years of trying naturally before that. The IVF journey was long and traumatic with 2 losses along the way (ectopic and 11 wk MMC).

Last year we tried for a sibling with our 2 remaining embryos from her round. I was so hopeful but ultimately neither stuck. So we are a one child family not by choice and im really struggling.

Before anyone suggests adoption, this is absolutely something we have deeply considered but ultimately i dont think its right for us. My main sadness and grief is for my child not getting to experience siblinghood (im one of 6 kids so its so alien to me). I know in my heart that wanting another child for her sake is probably not a good motivation to enter the world of adoption. It is its own difficult journey and the adoptive child deserves so much more than that. We spoke with a social worker about it a few months ago and one of the things that the adoption charity emphasised (and rightly so) is the need for couples to be energetic and enthusiastic for the adoption journey as its a tough one. We had to admit to ourselves that our traumatic path to our daughter has really stolen our energy.

I am just really struggling to accept our circumstances. A few years ago i would have given my right arm to just have a baby at all - i just never anticipated that once we achieved that i would feel the same intensity for my child to have a sibling as i once did for us to become parents in the first place. I worry so much for her that she will be lonely or feel resentful towards us for not trying harder. We have small and scattered extended family and I feel so guilty for not giving her a better family structure.

I guess im wondering how other one child families not by choice balance this, or how other only children/now adults feel about this. I feel like im ok and then i see a pregancy announcment and im floored again. The worst trigger are celebs in their 40s having babies. Im perimenopausal and i just dont have it in me to do IVF again but feel selfish for this. Help!

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm a few years down the line. Whilst the pain doesn't fully go away, it has eased. Something I appreciate now is the closeness of my relationship with my child, we have so much 1:1 time compared to friends with multiple children and I do value that.

Lots of people tell me there's no guarantee of siblins getting on, but both me and my partner were very close to our siblings, probably the most important relationships in both our lives, and I regret I wasn't able to give my own child that. However my child doesn't care at all, I've been honest when she's asked why she doesn't have a brother or sister (in child friendly language of course) and she tells me she doesn't want to share anything anyway, 😆 it's very much a me problem.

We were a one child family not by choice due to secondary infertility/miscarriage. I worried a lot in the early years about dd being an only child and how it would impact her. She is a young adult now, and perfectly happy being an only. Very sociable, loads of friends, never lonely. None of the horrible stereotypes about only children being selfish or unable to share etc - quite the contrary, actually, she is exceptionally generous. And she is confident, self assured, never had to compete for our attention or resources, never had to compare herself to others etc. We have an incredibly close relationship. And she is not worried about the burden of caring for us alone when she is older as she has seen how little my sibling does to help me care for my elderly dad and feels that it would be easier not to have anyone to resent for not pulling their weight.

In the meantime, I have been able to maintain my career and a life of my own alongside being a parent, and I've been able to really enjoy motherhood.

If I had my time again, I would choose to have only one child. I wish I had known back then how I would end up feeling about it later. So much angst when there was nothing to worry about. Time will do its thing. You will watch your child growing and thriving, and eventually you will realise that your family is perfectly complete exactly as it is.

Same boat but DS is 9 and I’m now 46. It does make me sad (and DS is very sociable and would love a sibling), but you just get used to it. We can focus a lot on DS in a way we couldn’t if there were two (taking him to sports and clubs, DS-focused holidays, DS-hobby focused days out etc). He’ll also be set up financially when we die.

It would be lovely if he had somebody else to run about with at home and on holiday (I am “fun” but I’m not running about playing chase for four hours solid, I have things to do). It would be lovely if he had company in things like ski school. But he is great at making friends, we have his friends over loads, and I expect that when he is 13+ he will be glad not to have an annoying younger sibling hanging about.

Im also a few years down the line. My only dc is 10

I didnt have IVF or any assistance and personally I didnt want to go down that route but background is I started ttc at 24 and 2 years later 26 got pregnant. Had a great pregnancy and birth but serious post birth complications on my end resulting in emergency surgery and my uterus is very scarred from this. DH was traumatised by the whole experience and thought I was dying just days after giving birth and tbh yeah I could have died if I hadnt been rushed to hospital.

So he was firmly in the "never again" camp which although I knew the risks I wanted more kids!! The pain and heartache was horrible

Then with time it eased...and when DD was 7 he said ok I think we could ttc!!

However it didnt happen. We had some tests and it turns out dh has a problem with his sperm we didnt know about when ttc initially hence why it probably took 2 years then... and with my damaged/scarred uterus it wasnt going to happen without interventions and our lives had moved on so much by then we made the decision thats it. Its no more kids.

We have a great life dd gets lots of love and attention. Its alot to accept and I still get sad and also the fact she has no cousins her own age or even younger is crap because i worry about her network in the future but she is a brilliant person and we are so close

Hugs to you. It can be very difficult to shift gears when things don't work out like you want, especially if you've invested a lot of effort and love. Give your self time to process all this. It's ok to feel down for a while.

Friends I know in the same situation have turned their energy towards concentrating on their existing child.

It's natural, as a parent, to worry how your child will feel later in life but I don't think many children are resentful that they are onlies. By the time they notice, they'll be old enough to understand that you did what you could. And, as per PPs, many onlies seem to know instinctively that they need to go out and make their own friends/fun.

(Plenty of parents with 2+ children will tell you that the older child(ren) begged for siblings and then turned around and said they wished they were onlies ...)

We’re an only child family. Dd also conceived via ivf. We didn’t have any more embryos and I did go back a few years later (I was 27 when I had dd) for a fertility check and the tests weren’t good so we put ivf to bed. Never been on any contraceptives and dd is 15 now and a second didn’t happen.

honestly I love having one dd. We have a great life. Lots of time, money, fun. I don’t think dd is missing out on a sibling. We know lots of single child families. Some of her friends have one sibling, some none. The ones with a sibling are all older brothers and they don’t spend time with them. My friends mostly have 2, and of a group of 4, two of the younger ones have special needs and all the siblings do is fight. Nobody’s life is perfect so whilst it is upsetting for you, I’d urge you not to waste your dc’s young years worrying about this. Enjoy what you have.

I was very worried when I had my son at 43 that he would be lonely. I longed for him to have a sibling. However, when I had my daughter at nearly 48, I was so delighted in so many ways, but my son said after the first day, can we send the baby back to the hospital now? And when I watched Boss Baby with him, when he was about 7, he said earnestly that this was in some parts the story of his life. That is, the much loved older sibling is supplanted by a tiny dictator who is amazingly cute (but also manipulative) and the doting parents previously at his beck and call every minute are now too exhausted to eat their take out pizza, let alone play with him.

They do get along well now, but it was a bit stressful for a few years…

Another one where the OP drops and runs ...

Thank you - youre so right it is really a "me problem" at the moment at least! shes such a happy little girl and is so loved

Thank you for this - yes the ugly stereotypes around onlies is really unfair. Your daughter sounds lovely and really well adjusted. My little girl is confident and makes friends really easily even at three! I really hope this continues as she grows up. Shes so much more confident than i was as a child. I do enjoy motherhood but hope like you as i settle a bit i can enjoy it even more rather than feeling like something is missing

Yeah holidays are hard! we just got back from a camping trip with a few friends who all have 3 kids each! It broke my heart a bit to see her trying to tag along with all of them as they played in their sibling groups. I intend to become the sort of house that all her mates want to hang out at as she grows up! I just want to create lots of opportunities for good friendships!

In a similar boat, dealing with secondary infertility. It's so hard and I feel so sad. Just glad we are parents at all. .

Im so sorry you went through that - birth trauma is so wild and not appreciated enough. Sorry to hear of your fertility struggles too.

Thanks for this. I do need to give myself more time. I sometimes feel like i should be "over it" or just be more grateful, but it is hard to shift gears like you say and i do need time.

Thank you - I really hope i meet more one child families along the way. currently i dont really have any in our lives which i think makes it so much harder!

Oh bless him! its such a huge adjustment at that age to suddenly have a sibling im sure. There really are two sides of the coin. Im glad they get along now though!

Its so true - its something i try to actively remind myself of when i feel rubbish. So so lucky! Sending hugs though- the sadness is heavy at times x

I was at work...

I think you are very wise here. You do need more time to emotionally heal - and you will, with time.

Just think, you've been going through the most intense cycles of hope, worry and grief for years. What kept you going was that strong desire for a baby - wanting a baby will have become part of your survival strategy. It's so natural for your brain to reawaken that intense desire whenever you feel worried or sad.

So on top of all the every day reasons for wanting a second child, you have this additional pull that is magnified because of your experience.

One strategy I would employ is whenever you catch yourself thinking 'I want a second baby' deliberately tell yourself 'I have my baby.' Then list 5 things about her 'Her name is . . ., she had toast for breakfast, she sings baby shark in the car . . .'

It could be away to train your brain that you don't need to be in survival mode any longer. You're on the other side of it, with your beautiful DD. You made it brain, we can relax now.

It’s a grieving process that you have to go through I’m afraid. Let yourself feel it, really feel it. I’m quite early on with coming to terms with it (in our case it’s a choice as our child has autism and needs us more than we need another child). It’s sad but there are elements of relief that I try to cling onto: my freedom, that our child gets to experience our love uncontested, not having to give birth again.

It is very sad, but I tell myself it isn’t as sad as I’d have been had I not been able to have my one baby. Focusing on the miracle that my existing child still feels like helps me get through it, and with each month it gets a little easier. I guess some of this is tied up with mourning the “normal” family I thought I might have, but actually all families have their challenges. Ours is smaller than I thought it would be, and more autistic than I’d perhaps envisaged, but it’s mine and life is ultimately too beautiful to spend it mourning what could have been.

I held a friend’s baby recently. I thought I would feel sad, but I didn’t really. It surprised me!

You’ll get there. Therapy can be useful. Just crying when you feel like it, too.

My dd was best friends with a girl - let’s call her B growing up who was an only child through similar circumstances. B was an outgoing and much adored (but not spoilt) girl. She had a lot of one to one time with both parents and was articulate and fun. B was great at sharing and always had fab toys so my dd loved going to hers for play dates and Bs family were always offering to take dd with them on days out which I (as a single mum at the time) very much appreciated. As they grew up, dd wen on a few holidays with B. They stayed close in their teenage years despite different interests and B was able to do lots of travelling with her parents and lots of interesting hobbies as they didn’t have any money issues. B now as a young adult is still enjoying her life travelling and working abroad with kids and using her sports and hobbies still in her work. Her parents are very proud and often go out to visit her but also still enjoy their travel and life as a couple.

I was often jealous of the life they gave to B which I feel was a great one… I know they would have felt similarly jealous of my larger family despite the stresses. But I know B never felt her only child status was anything other than a privilege- she liked dds siblings but only for short periods lol.

My only is 14 now - tried so hard for a second but it didn't happen.
I tried to focus on gratitude a lot. I found that helped - to appreciate what I have and recognising that things could be so much worse. It took time though.
I hope you get to a better place soon.

I was in my mid 20s when I had dd and I’m now in my late 20s. I struggled to fall pregnant and then the pregnancy and issues soon after the birth were traumatising and dangerous. I had always envisioned having two children but that won’t happen now.

We are a one child family by choice, our reasons were financial and also career-based. I think the concept that multi-child households = well adjusted - is outdated nonsense. I know plenty of very happy (not lonely), balanced and generous only children and equally plenty of people with siblings who are none of those things. Unless you are extremely wealthy, it’s better to think about what positive outcomes you can deliver, whatever things you value, you should be able to provide more generously for one. For us that was private school and after school activities, like private swim coaching, LAMDA, piano etc. Already this takes us to the edge of what we find particularly affordable, we simply could not do the same for two without some serious lifestyle adjustments. Enjoy your DD, she sounds perfect and content.