Adult Onlies Assemble

[Formerdarkhorse]

From the suggestion on the other thread, a thread for discussion of life as an adult only child.

Ah thanks very much more starting this thread !!!

I personally am much happier as an adult only than as a child just because I feel j gave more freedom as an adult. For instance, I don’t have to do family / social engagements I don’t want to do - don’t have to go to Sunday school trips etc when I don’t want to. I think part of my unhappiness as a child ‘only’ was having to do things I didn’t want to do and felt I couldn’t get out of.

the worst part of growing up as an only child for me was my mum calling me ‘selfish’ and ‘spoilt’ and coercing me to ‘make’ ‘friends’, it just knocked my confidence to smithereens. So it’s not being an only child that knocked my confidence but my mum’s reaction to it

I always remember a crushing loneliness as a child, even if I couldn’t fully articulate it as such then- I also grew up in the countryside and my parents were never keen to have children over so I was literally by myself. Like you my mum was also prone to tell me how spoilt I was and also tried to force me to ‘go make friends’ without ever really giving me the opportunity to learn how to do so. Socialising/friendships is always something I have struggled with as a result, I tend to be too aloof or intense. I’m pretty self aware in recent years though, and after a lot of reflection realise part of what I attributed to being an only was more to do with a weird upbringing.

I can’t really imagine having siblings though- even my cousins (that I saw growing up) were onlies too or had much older step-siblings, so now I have 2 children I find sibling squabbles so tough to deal with!

It wasn’t all bad, and I know I benefitted in terms of opportunities and financial support over the years. I do have a difficult relationship with my parents but I see them a lot, and they struggled when I got married/had kids and they weren’t my sole focus.

Now I have the challenge of them aging and I feel the burden of not having anyone else to say ‘wtf’ to at times, though DH does try. My family does feel small though, as outside my parents I don’t have any meaningful relationships with wider family.

I feel the opposite tbh.

As a child there were always other kids around, friends neighbours cousins etc so I didn’t feel like I missed out on that much.

As an adult I feel it much more. Both parents died before I was 30 and I had to deal with most of that alone. I see other people with their siblings, playing with their nieces and nephews, reminiscing about childhood memories and I feel a pang of sadness that I don’t have any of that.

My mum very frequently took me down to visit my grandparents in the country and I’d often feel crushing loneliness as my mum would be In one room with my grandparents and I’d be in the other watching telly.

my mum didn’t like it when I had a partner and child ..

I get quite panicked about being all alone at times, DH doesn’t get it at all saying his family are my family now, but it’s not the same.
My children have no first cousins either, but we do try to connect with the children of similar ages in the wider family.

I had no first cousins either

I’m an only with no cousins and I loved my childhood. I don’t get bored if I’m on my own (something my DD can’t comprehend!). There were plenty of children on my street growing up in the 70s/80s and I had good friends in school. I don’t feel like I missed anything by not having a sibling, my parents were very young when they had me and I think their youth was a bonus growing up. I can’t think of any negatives from my childhood with regard to being an only.

I’m the same I never get bored on my own

Yes agree, I love alone time- the 3 years I lived by myself were bliss!

having read the threads on here of parents of only children, I feel like so much thought goes into parenting now that I don’t seeing having an only child as a bad thing. I hope any parents reading this don’t see this thread as negative- we were only children in a very different time! I always felt like being an only child was an oddity in the 80s/90s.

Ah yes only child was odder in the 80s

I’m an only. As a child I was lonely and craved a sibling for company. Now I crave one to share the responsibility of caring for aging parents. My dad is currently in hospital after a fall, my mum doesn’t drive. Public transport is poor so I’m taking her to visit him on hospital every other day which is a minimum of 4 hours round trip added on to working 10.5 shifts and doing all the other things that every day life throws at me. I have guilt for not doing enough for parents but i risk burning out (doesn’t help that I’m a single parent so everything at home is solely my responsibility too).

See I feel that it’s easier making decisions re aging parents as an only

Decisions… yes… as it’s only one opinion but the practicalities of care is definitely not easier.

I was bored quite often, but I never considered having siblings, as a child. I just accepted the status quo as children often do.

In my early twneties I remember a realisation that my best friend despite how close we were, would never be as close to me as she were to her very-close-in-age sister, which was a pivotal moment.

I do not dislike being an only now, it just is what it is. It has its merits, I am comfortable in my own company and I am empathic but also a little confused initially when I hear of women not wanting to go anywhere by themsleves, not daring to walk into a pub/cafe alone etc-some of this is my being a feminist, but some of it is likely due to me always having been alone.

The main drawback I think, I am not sure, for me as a child was my Dad's weird obsession with me as a project. Perhaps having siblings would've made this worse? Perhaps it would have been better. He wanted a boy. And he tried to make me into something that I just weren't, and he was abusive. I wonder now sometimes what things would've been like for him if I hadn't have been an only. Would he have laid off me a little? Perhaps not. If he had a boy as well, would he have ignored me in favour of him? That would've been preferable-even now, with me in my 40s and him in his 70s, he resents me for not being what he wants and my Mum for being a loving parent who I 'sided' with (that is, favoured because she was actually nice to me).

What if I had have had a sister?

It's a double-edged sword as an adult. My low self-worth issues (mainly if not 100%) caused by my Dad, means I am an underachiever despite being more than quite intelligent, but I will benefit from 100% of the inheritance. I also dread being left as his sole carer if anything happens to my Mum who is significantly older.

I have two maternal first cousins, both live in Texas, youngest 6 years older. Seldom saw them as a child and that is a significant age-gap regardless, we'd have never been close and I haven't seen them since I were 10 and under.

Dad is also an only. I have a half-Sister from my Mum's first marriage, significantly older who had already left home when I were born. We're not close although we get along fine and I were away at Uni and then living in a different city when her children were growing up, so although I love her and her family, we're not close.

Just me really.

I have found in the past that when adult only children speak out about their experiences that those who do have siblings are quick to dismiss us. We are quite often told that we are 'romanticising' sibling relationships and that we can't possibly understand what it is like to have siblings, yet somehow they can completely understand what it is like not to have them.

I would say that my life as an only child has been rather lonely. Probably more so now than when I was a child. I do have a couple of cousins, but we aren't close. They are close as siblings and they also have their own wider family, so I am not really needed, plus we are quite different people.

I worry a lot about being alone in life some day. Although that's partly my own fault for not having children of my own too. I met my partner later in life and he also has no siblings. I worry that if I did have a child of my own, I'd be bringing them into a very lonely family set up, and simply transferring the loneliness down a generation. It's like someone has to accept a somewhat lonely life, and morally, I think that person should be me.

If, when I die, I get the chance to come back again (not that I really believe in that kind of thing) I'd definitely ask to have a bigger family.

Of course I recognise that not all families get on, but it would have been nice to have had the chance. I think I am a kind, decent person and there is a good chance that any sibling I might have had would have had a similar personality. I can't see any reason why we wouldn't have got on. It would have been lovely to have had that bigger family network and the feeling of roots and security it provides. Someone to share memories of childhood with, someone to confide in and someone to share in the grief when my parents die. Maybe cousins for any children I might have had.

Of course I recognise that none of the above would have been guaranteed. However what has been guaranteed is that without siblings, none of it is possible.

A network of close family friends would probably have helped alleviate some of what I feel, but my parents are quiet, rather insular people, so that has never existed either sadly.

I agree with you on so much of this!! I’m the only of 2 onlies!! Like you, I’ve found as an adult only, people are quick to dismiss our concerns. But I also found this as a child tbh. As a teen aged about 13 in school, I can remember one girl said she’d quarrelled with her mum - when I opened my mouth to say something

”oh but you’re the only child”

FFS!! That fact is irrelevant when it comes to family quarrels and she acted as if I didn’t know anything about anything but of course they’d know exactly how it felt to bring an only child !! I get that totally!!

one person in particular told me that she’d hate to be an only child. I totally get that because I think to be fair if you’re used to someone your own age in the family even if you argue etc - it’s awful to imagine them not there. Also in this case there was only 2 and a half years between the siblings

unlike you though I feel happier as an adult only child than a child as my mum was abusive - and as an adult you have a lot more power and choices - it’s much easier as an adult to get out of a situation you don’t want or to refuse to agree to something social you don’t want to do. I think part of my only child loneliness wasn’t not having other children around, it was often being forced with other random children even when there was no context for it - like my mum trying to force friendships on me then me being scolded if I dared complain.

Also When I was 8 I desperately wanted a brother or sister and my mother had a total lack of empathy about my situation.

i disagree though that if you and your partner had a child you’d be ‘passing down the loneliness’ . If you give your child plenty of support and loads of self confidence they won’t be lonely. I think lonely is more to do with how one feels in oneself rather than the lack of other people.

@ToBlame Thank you for understanding.

I am sorry to hear you had a difficult childhood, and glad to hear you have found happiness as an adult.

It's interesting to hear the perspective of an only child of two only children. I am quite surprised that you feel a child of mine wouldn't be lonely. That's reassuring to hear, although obviously I still have concerns. I think it's the lack of wider support network, especially if anything were to happen to my partner and I that worries me most. The thought of us perhaps dying young (say in our 60s) and the child perhaps being alone in the world in their 20s or early 30s really worries and upsets me. Realistically though, that could have happend to me, even though I have aunties, uncles and cousins. We aren't close. Their existence wouldn't really have made much difference.

Yes I frequently hear from people that they aren’t close with their siblings so it shouldn’t matter being an only, however I notice even if they aren’t that close they still generally support eachother when it’s really needed, especially when it comes to aging parents.

I know a few people who are onlies with onlies, but I’ve noticed they thrived as an only child, have a wide network of ‘chosen family’ and encourage their children to have the same life. I think for children now it will be very different as only child are more common - as a child (and even now) I only knew a few others. When people find out I am now, they frequently say I don’t seem like an only and apparently expect a caricature of one!

I’ve always found it hard to understand the reasons why I have no siblings, as it was clear that I am an only as my mum found birth/baby phase and motherhood difficult and never enjoyed child-centric activities, which made me think it was a me problem for a long time. I’ve made peace with it, often through seeing the challenges on here, where posters are deciding to be one and done for various reasons.

Personally having worked in care for a few years and having been a carer for family members 3x now and volunteered to help carers, families where everyone helps out are very much in the minority imo. The responsibility tends to fall upon one(Occasionally two) siblings, usually a daughter, the eldest or the one who lives nearest. I only encountered a few where they all worked together. Most did it alone. A few had a sibling to help but there was a third sibling who usually lived far away or abroad and would drop in occasionally to tell them that they were doing it incorrectly. The resentment was palpable.

The worse though was two warring siblings who hated each other and wouldn’t communicate anything about their Father to the other. They’d also go out of their way to do the opposite of what the other thought was best just to spite them and they spent more time squabbling or refusing to attend because they thought the other should deal with a problem than actually helping their Father.

Ideally yes everyone would pull their weight but it’s so common for that not to be the case that even with siblings I wouldn’t assume that you’d have help and personally I’d have been far more resentful to have siblings who could help than didn’t than not having any though caring is incredibly tough regardless.

I am an only and I also have an only DD who is nearly 18. As a child, my parents always encouraged friendships and I had/have a large group of friends- many of them who are friends from my primary and secondary school years.

My parents weren’t always the easiest, mainly as they were quite old fashioned in their views but they always wanted the best for me. It was really hard when they got ill and died but it might not have been any easier having siblings as they might not have been involved. I am also very lucky to have wonderful in-laws who all live near and I am very much a part of their family.

We couldn’t have any more children so DD is an only and she’s super happy, very sociable and has a great group of friends, also remaining friends with primary school kids. Both my husband and I are sociable and we all get on really well as a family. We also have a lot more money to spend on her which we wouldn’t have had if we had another one- this was the same for my parents.
DD’s best friend is also an only and we are good friends as a family with them. She’s really similar and also has tons of friends.

@Noodge In my early twneties I remember a realisation that my best friend despite how close we were, would never be as close to me as she were to her very-close-in-age sister, which was a pivotal moment.

My best friend since childhood is one of 4 sisters (she actually has a twin sister!) - yet I am much closer to her than she is to any of her sisters and it's always been that way 🤷‍♀️ We have a lot more in common than she has with her sisters.

I agree with PP who find being an only with aging parents more challenging than being one as a child. I had plenty of friends and was also happy to play by myself. I'm pretty introverted and need a LOT of alone time to function well, and I do vaguely wonder if I would have been different with a different upbringing. But handling care of a much loved but quite challenging mother in her last decade by myself took a huge toll on me.

I am sorry to hear you had such a difficult time. Supporting my parents as they age is something I worry about so much. It's taken over my life to be honest. I don't really function normally any more. I just worry constantly. 😔

I am not an only child (though may as well be with the non-relationship with my siblings!) and my parents are not at the stage of needing care. However I work in Older adult social care and assess and commission care for older adults so have worked with a lot of families.

While I am absolutely not downplaying the stress of caring for your parents on your own there are some benefits to doing this on your own, I wanted to post in agreement above. Things move MUCH quicker and things can be put in place so much quicker when you only have one person's wishes or opinion to consider. Things like reviews can be set up so easy when you're not having to coordinate siblings schedule. There's no arguments about the type of care a person needs or even the level of care a person needs. I have had situations where its been very obvious an adult needs a care home yet the whole process has been delayed by weeks because siblings can't decide between them on a care home or even if they should put a parent in a care home.

I would hazard though that in 75% or more cases I deal with its normally one person dealing with all themselves anyway. I've listened to more stories of resentment of siblings not helping out (and there countless reasons why this is) than ones of who do help out. And I've yet to meet a family of more than 4 siblings where it hasn't been absolutely genuine nightmare.

I totally get wishing for sibling help with elderly parents, all of us want support through difficult periods. However more often than not, the grass isn't greener and in a lot of cases adds more stress to the whole situation.

Thank you for sharing this. I can totally understand how sometimes siblings make things more difficult when it comes to decision making.

I guess the optimal situation is siblings who get on well and work together, which was what I witnessed with my own parents when their parents needed help. I sometimes wonder if they realise how lucky they were to have that support.