Adult Onlies Assemble

[Formerdarkhorse]

From the suggestion on the other thread, a thread for discussion of life as an adult only child.

Yes I frequently hear from people that they aren’t close with their siblings so it shouldn’t matter being an only, however I notice even if they aren’t that close they still generally support eachother when it’s really needed, especially when it comes to aging parents.

I have two siblings and there is absolutely zero support there. My dad recently had a life threatening illness and I heard nothing from them. They haven't contacted me throughout either of my pregnancies, met my children. There will be no support for each other when the time comes for my parents needing care.

I totally and utterly understand about the difficulties on doing it on your own and I'm not downplaying it. However it simply isn't true that it's always automatically easier with siblings involved. As I've seen in both personal and professional, in a lot of cases the stress of caring for elderly parents plus navigating toxic and damaging sibling relationships can be very difficult too and have serious impact both emotionally and mentally one I don't think many only children seem to take on board.

I don't want it to be a case of who has it worse. My time spent with working with 100 families is that family relationships are complex and ever changing and there is no one family the same nor is there one ideal set up.

But while this is true, the pendulum swings the other way. While people with siblings don't know what it's like to be only children, only children don't know what it's like to have siblings.

I've seen too often on here only children be dismissive on here of people with damaging sibling relationships somehow thinking that the siblings will somehow be there for one another and that by having no siblings they are somehow worse off.

They'll never understand the completely toxic and somewhat abusive relationships people have with siblings. That the people who are meant to be there for you no matter what don't care. Anyway in my own case, my TWIN was walking on the opposite side of the road from me last week and didn't even stop to speak to me or my baby. Their own blood nephew. So in some ways I'd be happier having no siblings.

But I don't want this to be a case of who has it worse as life isn't like that. We all have our struggles no matter what our family size.

Agreed. I am not saying only children understand what it is like to have siblings. We can only imagine. Just like those with siblings can only imagine what it is like not to have them.

My DH's two siblings (that he didn't particularly get on with) both died years ago so despite technically not being an only child he ended up supporting his elderly parents on his own. His dad has now died and his mum has dementia so he had to sort out a care home for her and sell their house all on his own. He has seen what an utter bitch my sister has been to me (I haven't spoken to her for 2 years after she slammed the phone down on me) and my mum and thinks that actually it's far easier not to have to deal with horrible siblings.

And to break the stereotype, my useless selfish sister is the elder sibling and lives 10 miles from my mum, whereas I'm 200 miles away and had to be the contact for my dad's care home, be his rep for DOLs etc because she wasn't willing to do it. She literally never contacts my mum, my mum phones her once a week and quite often the phone isn't answered. Luckily my niece is lovely and has told my mum to contact her in an emergency.

I have one child and I'm actually glad that she'll never experience the upset that my sister has caused me. The thought of having to deal with my sister when my mum dies actually really worries me because she made my dad's death and funeral arranging a bloody nightmare.

But contrary to what you are saying there is a romanticising on your part about sibling relationships. You say because you're kind therfore your sibling would be too and you can't see any reason why you wouldn't get on.

The fact you think this suggest extreme naivety to me. You can be the kindest person in the world, it doesn't guarantee by a long shot your sibling will be, most siblings are completely different from one another. And trust me, there's a 1000 and 1 reasons why you might not get on.

I can empathise not having family can maybe bring a certain type of lonlieness. But sitting fantasing about a fantasy relationship won't help things and it's better to focus on the relationships you have. Many people in big and small families face lonlieness. I see this all the time in work, people who have children, siblings etc and are still crippling lonely and spend their days on their own. Lonlieness for the most part comes from lack of connections to one community and friends.

I am an only (a mistake), my husband is an only (his mum thought she couldn't have children so he was a lovely surprise) and my daughter is an only (waited til very late to have a child, probably because of my own childhood and my mum telling me how horrific childbirth was when I was very young - " you are never nearer to death than when you are having a baby"). Whilst it would have been nice to have had someone to sit with when my parents were fighting or at the pub and I was home alone scared, I wouldn't wish my dysfunctional childhood on another person. My mum got pregnant when i was 11, a mistake and I remember her telling me not long after that she'd had an abortion and a "scrape" which I thought was a hysterectomy. Like another poster I was forced to "make friends" on holiday which I hated. I've never done it with mine, part of the holiday is spending time with her which you don't get to do when they are at school.

I guess my best friend back then had a great relationship with her sister. Theyre still very close. We drifted apart as our lives turned out so different. They've had babies a couple of months apart and love holidays and have a huge family. I appreciate the time I had with her as part of her network but it wasn't to be forever. We're still friends but dont see one another now.

I've not had children which is a huge part of it.
Being gay and being somewhat of a people pleaser (again, dad brought me up to believe I were worthless) meant I never found a good relationship.

Having said this, my closest friend now has two siblings who she doesnt speak to..one is a pedophile. One is fine, they like one another but they dont get on well or make time for one another at all.

I also know a woman who's a twin and they've not spoken in decades. I understand siblings doesnt always work the way we might assume it would.

My mum and her sister are amazingly close despite living thousands of miles apart..I feel for them in what will happen when theyre too old to travel to one another.

I’m just reading these comments. Really struggling tonight as I made a decision to keep my DS an only child. He’s 7.
For many reasons: Covid hit when he was 18 months old, myself and my DP have a difficult relationship at times, DS didn’t sleep for a long time, I recently found out I’m ND, I’m easily overwhelmed and so is DS (on the waiting list for assessment).

I’m having a bit of a wobble and trying to work out whether I’m going to regret not having another in years to come and reading these comments, whether my DS will be sad, lonely and resentful.

He attends a couple of extra curricular clubs including judo and beavers. I try and meet up with friends & their kids as much as possible too.

The thing is any decision we will make will always come with uncertainty. Your son might be lonely, he might not. He may have been lonely with siblings. He might like being an only child. He might not. Maybe he'll wish he had siblings. Maybe he won't and he'll have his own family and close friends and won't feel he's missed out on anything.

Life is so uncertain and there's a 100 different paths you can go down. I think there's so much pressure now to ensure our children's lives are perfect at all times and that we can guarantee them a life devoid of any unhappiness, trauma or lonlieness. But we can't engineer a perfect future for our children and nor is giving them a sibling going to make their life happily ever after. And likewise being an only child doesn't mean they are condemned to a life of loneliness either.

If you reads these threads of course you will find people's stories who don't like being an only child. That's their experience and they have every right to share it. Just as you'll find on threads with people in large families or who have siblings equally saying they don't get on with them or had a miserable experience. Everyone's experience is unique to them just as your sons experience will be unique to him.