Partner now only wants one child

[rach323]

New to this so please be nice!
We have an amazing 3 year old boy and although I don’t currently feel ready for another, my partner and I have always said we would have another and possibly try again when he starts school.

However my partner now says he only wants our son and is pretty certain about this. I feel absolutely shattered and can’t stop crying. The thought of not giving my boy a sibling and someone to grow up with is killing me, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for my pregnancy and newborn stage with him to be my last. I’ve told him I have to accept this as there’s no real alternative (relationship is otherwise great) but every time I see families with 2+ children it hits me :( not sure how to stay positive and move forward from this. Anyone else been in this scenario and have advice?

Has he said his reasons for changing his mind?

not sure how to stay positive and move forward from this
Personally I wouldn't have moved forward. Id have left. That would have been a deal breaker for me. But I was in a good financial position at that point in my life so would have had the choice.

he says we have a good routine going and he doesn’t want to go back to the chaos of a newborn. Financially we also couldn’t afford it as our mortgage has doubled. Seems to be more of a “I’m just happy the way things are” than anything else though

Not wanting to go back to chaos of newborn stage is understandable, but surely your devastation weighs pretty heavily against that?

If you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. Not sure splitting up is worth it to try and get a sibling for your DC. How to bring about sibling rivalry as the sibling will be the reason a child can’t live full time with both parents.

Being an only child is not the horrendous thing you think it is. So you need to stop thinking along those lines. It is upsetting if you dreamt of another child, but parents can change their minds over how many they want. You never know what being a parent is like until you become one.

For me that would have been a deal breaker. I don't think you should hide from him how you feel about this and what a big deal this is for you. He may not realise that

However, wanting a 5 +year age gap between your kids is a bit unusual for someone who really wants more than one (obviously finances have an affect) and that is a different ask to do the whole baby (and every other stage) again rather than extending it by a couple of years.

Is there a reason why don't you feel ready when your child is 3 and could this be affecting your husband's thoughts? Have you had any struggles that might be worring him?

You say you want your child to have a sibling to grow up with, but weren’t planning to try for another child until your son starts school. So you were looking at minimum 5 year age gap anyway, which means that they weren’t going to grow up together. My sister and I are five and a half years apart (six school years apart because of when birthdays fell) and we did not have any shared childhood experiences.

I can understand you wanting to have another child for you. But it shouldn’t be about not giving your son a sibling. There’s nothing wrong with being an only child. And plenty of siblings aren’t close or even don’t get along as they get older.

It's really up to you if you can accept this or not. You can choose not to accept it.

It's a very personal thing.

I wish you all the best however things work out.

If it was the other way around posters wouldn’t be telling the man to leave.

If your relationship is good otherwise do you want to split up the family to try and find someone else to have another child with? Is it worth it if he’s otherwise a good dad and you can’t afford a second child?

Also having a 5 year age gap is fine. I am close to my sister 4.5 years between us and my husband with his sister is the same age gap and have a good relationship.

We always wanted 2 children, unfortunately it’s just not happened for us. It took 2.5 years ‘unexplained infertility’ to conceive our daughter and she’s now 6 and we’ve never used contraceptives.
I am gutted and I still haven’t managed to get rid of the baby things but I adore my daughter, she is happy and content and me and my husband have a great relationship.

Be thankful you have a child, many cannot have any. If your relationship is good, enjoy it for what it is. We can spend our lives wanting. Your son won't suffer for not having a sibling, there are plenty of only children around. Just mke sure he has a good social life, is easy around other people, keep open house.

Your husband has his reasons, get him to explain them to you but stop fretting, life is too short.

It's a very personal thing.

Your resentment and disappointment may increase and sour the relationship or you may get used to the idea.

Equally he may come around to the idea of another once your child is at school.

I'd leave it a few months and see how you feel.

Given the reasons you’ve given in the comments, he sounds wise. Why bring another child into a situation where finances are stretched? If you wanted another sibling for your firstborn to “grow up with”, then waiting until they reach reception wouldn’t have meant they’d grow up together anyway.

Take it from me, 5 years is not a small gap if you were planning on a built in bestie for your child.

I really dislike this trend for saying your 'giving your child a sibling'. You aren't, you are choosing for yourself to have a second child, they aren't a gift to a current child. The most important thing is the child you already have and they will benefit far more from stability than from a sudden sibling who makes things even tighter for an already stretched family. Think about his future, things are going to be pretty tricky for his generation as they grow up, it will be far easier to support one rather than two.

OP, I'm infertile, I'd love one child let alone two. I would also have loved to be an only child, actually! Having a sibling has given me nothing but stress. Why do you want another one?

I was in your position and can completely relate. I didn’t want my DS to be an only child and did ‘want to give him a sibling’. A sibling is a gift to him as it is to everyone, especially as we have such a small family. I struggled to have one and was very grateful and around aged 2 my husband mentioned he was happy with one for the first time. He mentioned it a few times and we never really spoke about it because we always said we would love two children. I didn’t think (or want to believe) he was seriously saying he only wanted one. It isn’t a dealbreaker like other posters have mentioned. You can’t willy nilly break your marriage and family apart to have a baby with someone else, especially when it’s financially not possible! It’s a tough situation. Could you have a chat with your husband to explain why you’d like another and hear more from him? Prepare yourself to hear he’s 100% certain. There isn’t much you can do other than accept it and if you want to keep the family together, move on. Sending you a big hug x

Maybe revisit it if/ when you are in a better position financially. Lots of people would have another child if they could afford it, but they can't so they don't.

Hi op. I have a similar age little boy and it seems like all his friends and nursery and nct have a baby sibling or one on the way. I am so so jealous of their babies and broody. I am not with my sons dad and feel so powerless as I have no time to date really, I’m scared of bringing a strange man into my child’s life but I don’t want to do a sperm donor baby as I worry about one child having a dad and the other not (and no brief every other weekend break like I get now). I feel really stuck too. These people advising you to leave and find someone else - it’s not that likely to quickly find a great new husband when you have a child and coparenting is stressful.

if you must accept just one child then make the most of your one to one time with him he’ll benefit so much from it. And use your ‘free’ time for nice things for you to feed your body mind and soul and be healthy and happy.

in your shoes I would really work hard to put a good case to husband about how I couldn’t be happy without another child and make a plan for finances and dealing with newborn (eg a night nanny etc)to alleviate his concerns. As the new born weeks are so short but you get a child for life. Visualising who he wants opening presents by the Xmas tree in five years time or coming to stay in 20 years time might help. It should be a compromise.

This is nonsense, waiting till school is a lovely age gap , just like my nieces who adore each other, the oldest is old enough to be excited about the baby but they have their own thing going on in the day. And both babies get great one to one time with their parent and full attention during the day, not a stressed mum of 2 under 2 dragging both babies to soft play and not sleeping. 4 year ago gap is fine for playing. A three year old and an 8 year old can run around at the playground. A 9 year old and a 13 year old can play tennis or video games. A 20 and 24 year old can have a great time at the gym or a nightclub together. Etc. especially if same sex.

Also nursery is way cheaper now op

Just to be clear, I would never leave to go and have another child on my own, nor would I want to split our family up over this. I know logically having another isn’t the right thing to do but I still have this overwhelming urge to have one more child and give my son a sibling. I’m even thinking as far ahead as to when he’s an adult, or after we’re gone, I worry he will be lonely. Everyone’s points are completely valid and I know deep down he is right but I feel so desperately sad about it.

I sympathise OP. I was once in your position and I remember how devastated I was . Thankfully my DH did come around but for the time period where I thought a second baby wasn’t on the cards I was in a very confused and upset state. How you’re feeling is completely normal you’re allowed/entitled to feel like this x

Maybe it’s worth trying counselling to marshal your thoughts and redirect your efforts into building a great life for your family, and enjoy what you have, rather than pining for what you haven’t.

Try not to worry about your DS being ‘lonely’ when he’s older- he will have his friends and maybe his own family one day. Siblings are no guarantee of lifelong friends or support. I’ve spent many years in an occupation supporting bereaved families and find those families with one child are invariably very close, harmonious and loving. By contrast, those with multiple children are often- and usually after the second parent goes- beset by old grievances, petty resentment, greed and one upmanship.

Your son will be absolutely fine as an only child.

That’s ridiculous. If the OP’s entire point in wanting a second child was to benefit her existing child, she was be actively making his life worse by ending her relationship, meaning their three year old is jointly resident between two households and potentially dealing with two step parents and step siblings as well as a half-siblings

I can’t believe there’s posters telling OP to end an otherwise happy relationship and split up the family so she might give her son a much younger half sibling. I have an only and I don’t think I’ll give her a sibling. Even if you have another child, the large age gap will probably mean they wouldn’t be close.

I always envisioned having 2 children. However after 7 years of fertility issues, our DS was born. I had bad PND and ended up giving up my much loved but very stressful career. Becoming a family was much, much harder than I had expected. My DH sensibly said our family was complete. I too was very upset and sad and cross about this, but it has been the right decision.

We are a close and mostly harmonious family of three. Our DS14 has opportunities he wouldn’t have had if he had siblings. He has an amazing bond with his Dad. While at times I miss the idea of my ideal family, I love the family I have. DS is glad he hasn’t had to deal with sibling fallouts and had lots of play dates when he was younger.

I would seek some therapy to work through your feelings but I wouldn’t leave an otherwise happy and supportive partnership over it. Good luck!