Partner now only wants one child

[rach323]

New to this so please be nice!
We have an amazing 3 year old boy and although I don’t currently feel ready for another, my partner and I have always said we would have another and possibly try again when he starts school.

However my partner now says he only wants our son and is pretty certain about this. I feel absolutely shattered and can’t stop crying. The thought of not giving my boy a sibling and someone to grow up with is killing me, and I definitely wasn’t prepared for my pregnancy and newborn stage with him to be my last. I’ve told him I have to accept this as there’s no real alternative (relationship is otherwise great) but every time I see families with 2+ children it hits me :( not sure how to stay positive and move forward from this. Anyone else been in this scenario and have advice?

Your feelings are completely valid, you imagined one life which DH agreed with and shared and now he has changed his mind and pulled the rug.
I would be upset in your shoes too.
Of course you are grateful and blessed to have DS3 but that doesn't mean your urge to have a second child isn't real and strong or unreasonable.
I would tell DH just how much a second child means to you and how upset you are.
Of course having a new baby is disruptive but imo that's no a reason not to do it. It's quite normal to to be a bit oh god do I want sleepless nights again? ( or go through labour!)
I do think a lot of women have a strong biological urge to have DC that overrides the above!
Financial worries are different, can you genuinely not afford it or is it just DH doesnt want to compromise lifestyle.
Generally people muddle through somehow, like you did with increased mortgage payment.
I would ask DH to relook at it in a year or two but not close the door on it forever.

I wouldn't ever have wanted 1 so that would be a deal breaker for me.

I have 2 young adult kids and out of all of their friends the ones that seem the happiest and most well-rounded are only children. I think there is some strange idea that only children are lonely and selfish, but that has not been my experience at all. They all have close relationships with their parents, are empathetic, successful students and have lots of friends.

I have two siblings and I don't hate them but they are also not my go-to people when I need advice or support, my friends are.

Snoken

i love your post x

Bloody Nora that would have completely broken me. I always wanted 3 kids and my
husband knew that from early on in our relationship. If he had changed his mind it would have been completely devastating I don’t know what I would have done but it would have impacted how I felt about his as a team mate

Did you not speak about any of this earlier on in your relationship?

I have 1 DS and would have been distraught if DH had said he wanted another DC. We have absolutely no financial issues whatsoever so could easily afford more children but neither of us ever wanted that.

We were together nearly 20 years before we had DS so we both knew exactly what each other wanted.

I struggle to see how parents end up with differing views on children unless one or both of them have lied to the other from the outset in which case it probably isn’t a great marriage anyway.

@Sienna61i don’t think it’s lying, I think you don’t know the reality of having children until you actually have them. Also the expense will have changed since OP had her baby - eg nursery costs have gone up 30% here in the last year (thanks Labour policies). It’s probably making a lot of people pause, as what was barely affordable is now a stretch.

I’m not sure what to advise OP, I’d have been devastated also. Are you able to have calm discussions on it? Is there any wriggle room in the finances? I’d love a third but my partner has decided no, for similar reasons to yours

@Sienna61 things change. You don't know the reality of having children until you have them. Women change their mind too, it's not just men.

@Snokenlovely post. Thank you

I have one dd14. I hate it when some people think they’re doing their child a disservice by not giving them a sibling.

my dd asked for a baby sister when she was about 3 or 4. Since then she has never asked for a sibling and recently one of her friends mum had a baby and she openly said she’d hate it and loves being an only child.

we have a very close relationship. She’s happy, doing amazing at school, does a hobby at a high level, has lots of friends and is kind and caring. She’s emotionally very mature.

op I do understand the want for a child, but if your relationship is otherwise happy then I’d focus on what you do have and the many benefits of one child. I’ve been the mother I wanted to be and have managed to have a great career, social life and lots of time to spend with my dh.

If I said, “take it from me”, it implies I have life experience of the same situation and so your “this is nonsense” is dismissive. Year 7 and Year 11 is not age mates. I haven’t read the rest of your post because I’m not too interested in your personal life but 5 years age gap is a gamble on two children getting on.

Yes and we had both always said 2 children. His stance has only changed in the last few months. Financial situation is a big part of it but he also admits he’s changed and said he’s happy the way things are.

I also think families shouldn't blindly have the number of children they had always dreamed of. You may have dreamed of two children when you were younger, but after the first one your circumstances have changed, or you find parenting harder than you thought, dad has turned out to be a bit of an arse etc would it really be a good idea to have another child just because you had always dreamed of 2 children. I am sure many children end up in less than ideal situations because people followed their dreams rather than thinking about reality.

Every decision to have a child should be thought through carefully

Your mortgage has doubled? Are you working and earning what you were before your son was born? Because it might be that your DH is having a bit of a panic about how much everything is costing right now, and he might start to feel a bit better when your DS goes to school. So I would say, try to come to terms with your DS being an only, don't pressure your DH and see if he feels differently in a couple of years, particularly as your DS grows up and becomes less of a toddler and more of an independent person.

I would have been disappointed too, but wouldn't have broken up the family over it, as that wouldnt have been in dd's interest

Yep, we are paying our help to buy back and our interest trebled (thanks Liz Truss). Like I said, financially it makes sense to have one, it purely feels like a strong biological urge I have to have one more and I think I’m struggling with that.

Everyone's entitled to evolve their opinions and change their minds as time goes on, including men.

He now speaks from lived experience - and your pregnancy and childbirth, the newborn etc etc experience may well be something he never wants to go through again. I wonder if there were challenges there?

The financial aspect may feel absolutely overwhelming, too ... Friends are now factoring in the cost of university to their decisions on how many they want.

You're speaking from a visceral urge to have another baby (that not everyone experiences), and labelling it as giving your child a sibling - as though somehow not doing that is a terrible thing. And he doesn't share that urge. His fathering is satisfied.

Although we get on fine my brother and I have always lived completely different lives. My childhood neighbour's two daughters were at each other's throats growing up. My great aunt loathed my grandfather and she and nanna were at odds for life. There's no Boden-catalogue guarantee.

You're in a different place now. You want. He actively does not want. It's going to get worse.

Do not 'accidently' get pregnant and present it as a fait accompli. Automatic fatherly fatherly feelings may not kick in, and this may trigger a side of him you'll wish had not been revealed.

Cajoling and persuading and showdowns and ultimatums may result in reluctant consent - but will colour how he feels about a new baby, and about you.

You'll find posts here from members who were themselves unwanted and unloved children. The spare.

Remember he is allowed to not want another, as much as you want another. one doesn't trump the other. If you want to stay in the relationship, I'd consider couples counselling so really work through it together and move forward in a positive way. Being an only child is so much more common nowadays, they will build their own support network, having a sibling isn't a guaranteed best friend for life. We have a 1 year old and we're not planning another - for us, the only reason to have another was pressure from others, that's not a good enough reason. Some days I do feel like I want another baby but I know that's my biology talking. And actually, I don't want another, I want to re-do everything with my daughter!

I do think it’s harder to go back to the baby stage the longer you leave it. We always wanted two children (I’m an only child and didn’t want that for my dd), and we had another when dd was 3. It was a tough decision at the time though, I didn’t feel quite ready for another but knew if we left it much longer we wouldn’t want to go through the newborn stage again so went ahead with that age gap. I don’t regret it now at all but we almost decided not to.

It’s especially hard when your DS hits the 2-5 year age because everyone around you is having a second baby and everyone asks you when you’re having your next. It’s not everyone, but it certainly feels like it. And your biological clock ticks increasingly loudly. Hugs.

I lost my dad 3 years ago and my mum 2 years ago. I lost my only sibling in June this year. I miss my parents terribly but don’t feel lonely because I’m closer to my fantastic friends than I was my sibling, much as I loved her.

Your feelings are completely valid, as are his. So it's a really tricky situation. But I don't believe that anyone of either gender should be talked into having a second child that they have expressed they don't want. Equally it's sad your choice has been taken away from you.

I have an only child but I always wanted two. Only, for various reasons, there was a gap between having her and being on a position to have a second. Unfortunately, by the time we were able to think about a second, I was 44 and my partner was 51. We both decided and agreed that we didn't want to have a baby at that age. Whilst I knew deep down it was the right choice, I was also sad about it. He was more adamant than perhaps I was about not even trying, but I respected his feelings so we didn't.

I do sometimes grieve the second child I will never get to have and probably always will, but I try to focus on all the positives. On how lucky I am to have our DD in the first place and on how happy we are as a family. How financially we're better off, on how much attention she gets, on how things can revolve around her interests and hobbies as well as our own etc etc I think shifting my mind-set and focusing on all the good stuff helps. But that's a journey which you're not even on yet.

Things might change. I know I was set on not having another after my first, as I also didn't want to go through the newborn stage again. 7 years later, when the newborn stage was long behind us, I changed my mind. We now have 2 children, albeit with a bigger age gap than would be preferable. However, they now have each other, and when adults, the age gap won't seem so huge. My sister is 10 years older than me and now I'm in my 30's, it's irrelevant.

Honestly, I think go to counselling together if you can. It’s such a hard one, because there's bound to be resentment on either side and whichever you decide

If he doesn't want another, you'll have to accept it of find someone else. He's being sensible financially.

Sorry wrong thread