Will we regret stopping?

[Limon87]

Hi all,

So long story short I have PCOS, married 9 years, together 14, have a three year old little boy. Always wanted two kids. Had three losses before our son. Had another loss in May. About to meet fertility consultant this week.

However I am having serious doubts. I turn 39 and husband turns 43 early next year. We are genuinely quite tired with the baby journey and not excited about the prospect of another, and above all we absolutely love life with our son.

honestly we are very good parents, I don’t say that with an ego, but definitely the fact our little boy is the miracle we wondered for a long time wouldn’t happen, has helped us in terms of gratitude, love and patience. Our son is a very happy, very confident and very secure according to his nursery. He’s genuinely a very bright, stubborn and hilarious little guy and we just couldn’t be prouder or love him more. I truly adore being his mam. 🥰

we have two brilliant jobs, financially quite secure and overall I we are just happy. But there is something in both of us that worries if we don’t go again that we’ll regret it in years to come.

however more recently something has switched that makes me wonder will I regret messing up our lovely dynamic. My husband is a bit ocd, anxious and being a dad took some adjusting to because he just takes the responsibility very seriously to the point of it being quite overwhelming. However now he’s settled into it he loves our life, but finds it relentless.

we don’t have a village, both our sets of parents have health issues etc. my siblings are way older with kids at completely different stages and my husband is an only child.

I dunno just currently feel like we’re both getting our bodies back to good health, we have a good balance and aren’t exhausted. Our marriage is brilliant despite the hardship of infertility. And I dunno I’m just really happy as we are and think despite things, we make life work very nicely with the three of us.

my baby losses devastated me, and to be honest I don’t know will I ever figure out is the issue that I don’t want more kids, or if our journey to become parents has me so physically and emotionally drained have I just given up? I’m sad but I also am thinking maybe the universe is really trying to tell me something.

I’m just lost. Today we minded my best friend’s one year old and the whole time I just though, got I hate having to split my attention and wow I really don’t want to go back to the age again.

theres just a lot of worry and doubt. Our friends in the thick of two kids are all exhausted and dare I say it miserable. Cost of living crisis means even my high earner friends are broke.

My sister also has two kids, and her youngest has severe special needs - she has never held back in telling me to enjoy what we have. This definitely makes me worry a bit that with so many unknowns with a second, that we risk ruining our lovely life. I know that’s harsh but I’m being honest.

But then despite all this we both worry that in ten years we’ll massively regret not giving things one last attempt at trying. Ugh it’s such a minefield.

anyway sorry for the babble. im not even making any sense. I am just keen for any input from anyone on if they’ve been in the same boat and how they made the decision to stop and what was the moment it finally clicked for certain?

please - no harsh comments thanks. If I sound smug it’s probably because I’m so traumatised from our losses that I’ve just learned to be happy with what we have. I’m being vulnerable and honest. I just want some kind honesty back.

We had a second DC. She is nearly 2 and continues to be a terrible sleeper. It has absolutely destroyed us and although i love her, we’d be absolutely fine now wellbeing wise if we had stuck at one DC.

@Limon87 we have a Cockapoo too. He’s 9 now and we got him because we really wanted a dog, but also we wanted to teach dd that everything didn’t revolve around her. They adore each other and he sleeps at the bottom of her bed each night and waits by the door at 3.30 waiting on her coming home.
honestly having 1 child is under rated. I’m one of 6 and thought I’d have at least 3, but it’s worked out the way it was meant to,

It sounds like you really don’t want another child but feel like you have to justify that choice to everyone else. You don’t. Stick at one and enjoy your lovely life!

I think you know the answer already. Don't doubt yourself.

We have an only DD, now age 16. We had 1 loss before her, 3 losses after her, clomid, tests, never actually found out the cause, stopped before we got to IVF. We found it hardest when she was between 1 and 5. All our friends were merrily having their 2nd, getting asked a lot if we were having another. It definitely gets so much easier with time and we finally sold all our baby stuff when DD was about 6. It has been fabulous having an only. She is a delightful girl, intelligent, friendly and we are better parents for being focussed on only one. I do now believe we were only meant to have her.

Exactly. The default position, arguably, as with having a child at all, should be ‘Don’t have one unless this is something you really want.’

We stopped at one child, who is now adult. I was 43 when he was born so the decision made itself. Life has been (mostly) wonderful.

I have one DD and it's been about perfect.
TBF she has 2 older siblings from DH's first marriage but she's been our only and the older kids had moved out by the time she started school so she doesn't really remember them living with us.
Having a single child is an underrated joy.

We were in a similar position although younger. We were told only way was IVF and that was slim , we were deciding what to do and im not sure we would have tried IVF for a second, but i always felt I might regret it in 10 years time and wondered. I had surgery to remove fibroids, endo etc and somehow we fell pregnant naturally weeks later - every Dr cant believe it.

It was a horrific pregnancy and he arrived at 31 weeks as we both had Sepsis . But he was worth it all , and I now feel complete in a way I never with just one . I now understand when people say they know they are done , I never felt like this with just my DS , I loved him more than I knew I could but never got the complete feeling until my second.

But only you know for you , it's such a personal decision. Just sharing my story x

We were in a similar position although younger. We were told only way was IVF and that was slim , we were deciding what to do and im not sure we would have tried IVF for a second, but i always felt I might regret it in 10 years time and wondered. I had surgery to remove fibroids, endo etc and somehow we fell pregnant naturally weeks later - every Dr cant believe it.

It was a horrific pregnancy and he arrived at 31 weeks as we both had Sepsis . But he was worth it all , and I now feel complete in a way I never with just one . I now understand when people say they know they are done , I never felt like this with just my DS , I loved him more than I knew I could but never got the complete feeling until my second.

But only you know for you , it's such a personal decision. Just sharing my story x

It’s complicated. It’s not just a straight forward “I really don’t want another”. I’m exhausted from our journey; I’ve had a rough ride physically and I’m not someone who goes into anything lightly. I’ve always wanted two; but it hasn’t panned out that way and we have the moment and options to go again, there a good chance it could work out and there’s a good chance I’ll lose again. And I’m trying to just get back to living instead of existing around fertility. Ya know five pregnancies, a lot of trauma, a lot of grief, and just losing yourself every time you lose a baby - it all wears thin. I just feel like I’m constantly chasing an ideal that isn’t here yet, instead of embracing the fact of we have a healthy gorgeous child and are very happy as we are.

Whatever I choose, I’ll always be sad it wasn’t meant to be and that our choice to stop was largely determined by exhaustion, but trying to just change my mindset you know.

To be honest I’ve heard this side of the coin also. thanks for sharing.

im not going to lie before our last loss I felt really positive about having a second. But I decided to pause for a few months this summer to really grasp my feelings and I’ve had a change of heart. It’s just trying to figure out is it choice or have I given up because im
knackered 😂

I also do feel very complete. I have a bond with my son that I honestly couldn’t have dreamed of and I dunno. Just trying to enjoy the present. I don’t feel much is missing at present and leaning into that feeling to try understand where it’s coming from x

Awh I hope you’re ok. It’ll get easier and in a few years you’ll be so glad you have them both. Sending love as it’s not easy either side eh x

@Limon87 I completely understand how you're feeling, especially being worn down by infertility and losses. I have a nearly 5 year old and eventually gave up trying for another after months and months of fertility drugs and 2 losses. I think when you're in the thick of it, it's very hard to have perspective. After my last loss I was mad to keep going but over time I realised that I couldn't keep going, the toll on me was too much. My mental health suffered a lot and I wanted to focus on my fabulous little boy. 6 months after giving up, I'm 99% at peace with it and able to see all the positives.
I also had that concern about later regrets but ultimately we wanted to just live our lives without it constantly hanging over us!

OP, I could have written this myself! Our story is a little different, and I haven’t been through what you have, so I absolutely won’t compare (I’m so sorry you’ve experienced that). We have one DD, who’s 8 now. We never really felt the pull to have a second until we experienced a death in our family about 3 years ago. Not long after, I became pregnant but miscarried a few months in. As sad as it was, the miscarriage was like a slap in the face and the wake up call we needed to realise that, quite honestly, we weren’t sure we truly wanted another child. Looking back, I think it was grief driving that desire, an attempt to ‘make things right’ and bring back some happiness. It also seemed driven by what society expected. Deep down, though, it wasn’t what we really wanted. What I am trying to say is life can throw really hard things at us, and in the moment it feels devastating when your vision of the future shifts. But I’ve come to believe that sometimes these things happen for a reason, and life can turn out even better than we imagined. You won’t look back with regret if you are loving the life you are leading now.

We love our life with one, my DD is happy, I’m happy, and I feel like a better mum because I’m not stretched too thin. There’s less stress, more patience, and lots of joy.

It’s easy to get caught up in what we think we need/want, and forget the amazing life that’s already right in front of us. I’m so glad you’re recognising that, good luck with whatever path you choose ❤️

Honestly OP, I’ve never felt more drawn to a post than this and I’m a bit of a mumsnet lurker rather than poster but I had to join in on this thread. I can relate so much to your post. I too have a wonderful 5 year old boy who is the light of our lives.

He is happy, thriving, has made some gorgeous friendships in his 1st year of school. However, I constantly feel this nagging feeling (if I’m honest, mainly around the same time I ovulate every month) that we have made the wrong decision to not continue to try for another and worry will I always have this feeling of sadness when I think how wonderful a big brother he would make.

However, life had other plans for us and after two losses in 2023 (16 weeks and 8 weeks) we decided to live the life and the family size we have been given and move forward rather than constantly trying to have another baby. I can’t lie, at times I worry was it the right decision but like you, I also wonder is it what we truly wanted or what society portrays as the norm and was expected of us.

I still feel that pull in my heart when I hear of second baby announcements and but I also appreciate how incredibly lucky I am that I am a mummy at all and have friends going through fertility treatment for their first and seeing that struggle puts life into perspective.

I read on here once a phrase that said “the grass may be greener but I intend to stand firmly in my own garden and water the grass I have” which has always stayed with me.

I don’t have any advice as such but your post really resonated with me and wanted to say thanks for sharing x

I have a similar story. DH and I have had some hairy moments and are still in separate beds to manage the tiredness/sleep issues. My eldest was a superstar when littlest was born, but now recently (3 years in) she’s having some issues, and it’s been HARD. For the most part I love their relationship, but as parents it’s been tough.

Our DS is 11. I had one miscarriage when he was 2, then DH and I decided we were happier as we were.

It’s great having one. We have time to do things individually with him and have time to ourselves.

I admit I had a moment of regret when I was 41 but I suspect that was peri-menopause hormones.

Keep having a pet. We’re cat-less at the moment. DS really misses it.

I think the grass always seems a bit greener on the other side of the fence. It’s completely normal
to wonder what if.

You don’t need or feel you should justify having one child.

The families with one child I know seem very happy - their quality of life is greater for a start! In one case they have been careful to be friends with another family with a similar age child so there is a built in friend to do things with

Hey @Limon87 I think you know the answer....😊

I was similar /different in that while I had no fertility issues per se time wasnt on my side.

I now have 2 children less than 2 yrs apart, but very easily could have had 1.
I was 39 and a lot bit when I got pregnant with my 2nd and we said we'd stop trying when i turned 40 (& meant it) and if it wasnt happening we'd stick with 1.

I LOVE my 2nd but honestly we would have a good life with just my oldest too.

My dh and i shocked ourselves by really wanting a third(?!) But modern life is so demanding and our culture (working world and socially speakig) is so unsupportive of children and families we felt it would be too demanding and wed need a radical lifestyle shift to make it work. Also my age (i know we would cope poorly with 2x children plus a disabled child) and my health. My 2nd pregnancy also coincided/induced health issues which had been ongoing and needing multiple surgeries which I was not expecting...

Honestly life would have been good with zero, one two or I'm sure 3.
Separately, i am amazed at people who "know they are done"

I think the lightness you feel is a sign.

Are you an overachiever?
A lot of them (myself included) can be very fixated on delivering against "the plan" and not doing so feels like failure. In reality you can change your mind amd there's more than one way to do most things.

I felt really moved to reply to this post.

Similar and different experiences to you - years of infertility, then IVF very easily brought us our daughter. Light of our lives, motherhood is without a doubt the best thing I have ever done, etc etc.

Then when she was two, started trying IVF again for another. This time, not easy at all. £60k, multiple failed cycles, surgeries, reactions to medications, a week in hospital with OHSS, and two baby losses later, we were broken. No holidays because no money and no planning ahead, stagnant at work because couldn't risk leaving the security of the jobs we were in, cut out dozens of friends and even a few family members when our grief at either their fertility or their behaviour was too much to handle. I've also just turned into a shell of myself and someone I don't recognise - I'm now massively introverted, lacking friendships, feel no connection with my physical self etc. Hubby and I havent been intimate in the 3yrs it took as I wasnt allowed in cycles which we did pretty much back to back. Worst of all, I stopped enjoying my daughter, because I was so ground down by it all.

Eventually, at what was realistically our last or penultimate cycle attempt, we got pregnant and this one stuck. He arrived a few weeks ago and my daughter is obsessed with him and I feel grateful that he is here. But the pregnancy was horrendous - I've been in hospital as an inpatient for more weeks than I have not and he then arrived early so we are still here. My daughter is really being quite traumatised by my 6 month absence from her life. My guilt around it is BIG.

People challenged us on many occasions throughout the process about whether it was right to continue and whether we were making a big mistake. I could completely rationally see that ruining our finances, marriage, family, friendships, careers, holidays, and souls was INSANE and yet, there was a driver to keep going. The phrase that kept coming up for me was a sense of needing to have done 'all that we reasonably could' before we stopped. We were pretty much at that line - we had one more set of drugs I wanted to try but if they hadn't worked I think we would have been done. That line will be different for everyone - for some that will be not doing IVF, or not doing gamete donation, or not doing surrogacy etc. But I knew that I would only be able to stop when I had reached that line inside my soul that said, I have done all that I reasonably can.

What I don't know is whether it will always feel worth it. I feel overwhelmed by how much rebuilding of myself I have to do - not just postpartum but I have destroyed myself in every way since we started trying for no.2 and somehow I need to work out who I am again. I have stopped finding joy in life and that has robbed me of golden years with my daughter which I know I will always regret. Hopefully there will be many more golden years now with two of them but I won't ever get her back, that makes me sad. Realistically all of life is a gamble though - it is impossible to know how the other sliding doors version would have played out and what would have been different, better or worse.

I have also had to accept that I will never be okay about other people having babies ever again. It is a grief and a trauma that is just too large. I won't ever be able to be genuinely present at a baby shower without holding my lost babies in my heart. I won't ever not feel jealousy when someone conceives. I have decided that instead of forcing myself to be someone I cannot be, I will give myself huge grace to just not go to those things and to feel the ways I feel when I am confronted by them out of the blue. I will always be infertile and I will always have lost my babies no matter how complete or otherwise my family now is. I will also always wonder about no.3 - my infertility doctor says that in her experience, people who have struggled to conceive don't ever feel 'done' in the way that fertile people might. There is an assumption if fertile that you could just choose to pop out another one and that arrogance comes with a certainty of being done, whereas when you know it might never happen, you don't get that luxury. I will always long for more babies. I also know I will never ever try again, ever.

This has got rambly and I feel very emotional thinking about it so I wont read it back to edit but I hope some of it makes some sense. Just to say I have found Saltwater and Honey to be really excellent in supporting myself through infertility and family planning. They are a Christian group so some of it might not be your thing but one of the couples made a very conscious decision to stop at one child and I found a lot of comfort in listening to them.

Wishing you all the joy and peace that life has to offer, whatever you decide to do x

I do have two children. Different story to you as no fertility issues but I have had difficult births and my second was very premature. I really wanted a third. We went round and round for a bit and ultimately decided that we had to prioritise the children we already have. It would have been more likely that the potential third child would be premature too and may have had disabilities associated with that. We would have less money and less time etc etc. Once I had decided that I felt much more ‘at peace’ with the situation but I don’t have the ‘complete’ feeling that others talk about. So just be aware not everyone has that!

@tinybeautiful such a raw, honest post.. parts of which I really relate to. I am finally pregnant with number 1 after 6 embryo transfers and many years. I feel so happy but also recognise I have lost a lot of myself along the way. You think that infertility ‘ends’ when you fall pregnant but the reality is it steals so much more. I hope we are all able to heal eventually. x

Wishing you all the very very best xxx

I have one son. I’ve never regretted it, in fact as the years have gone by I’ve been more and more relieved. He never asked for a sibling.

I have 2 brothers and we had some very violent fights when we were young. By that I mean acid in my bedtime milk, running around with red hot meccano! My parents were mainly absent in the evenings.