Will we regret stopping?

[Limon87]

Hi all,

So long story short I have PCOS, married 9 years, together 14, have a three year old little boy. Always wanted two kids. Had three losses before our son. Had another loss in May. About to meet fertility consultant this week.

However I am having serious doubts. I turn 39 and husband turns 43 early next year. We are genuinely quite tired with the baby journey and not excited about the prospect of another, and above all we absolutely love life with our son.

honestly we are very good parents, I don’t say that with an ego, but definitely the fact our little boy is the miracle we wondered for a long time wouldn’t happen, has helped us in terms of gratitude, love and patience. Our son is a very happy, very confident and very secure according to his nursery. He’s genuinely a very bright, stubborn and hilarious little guy and we just couldn’t be prouder or love him more. I truly adore being his mam. 🥰

we have two brilliant jobs, financially quite secure and overall I we are just happy. But there is something in both of us that worries if we don’t go again that we’ll regret it in years to come.

however more recently something has switched that makes me wonder will I regret messing up our lovely dynamic. My husband is a bit ocd, anxious and being a dad took some adjusting to because he just takes the responsibility very seriously to the point of it being quite overwhelming. However now he’s settled into it he loves our life, but finds it relentless.

we don’t have a village, both our sets of parents have health issues etc. my siblings are way older with kids at completely different stages and my husband is an only child.

I dunno just currently feel like we’re both getting our bodies back to good health, we have a good balance and aren’t exhausted. Our marriage is brilliant despite the hardship of infertility. And I dunno I’m just really happy as we are and think despite things, we make life work very nicely with the three of us.

my baby losses devastated me, and to be honest I don’t know will I ever figure out is the issue that I don’t want more kids, or if our journey to become parents has me so physically and emotionally drained have I just given up? I’m sad but I also am thinking maybe the universe is really trying to tell me something.

I’m just lost. Today we minded my best friend’s one year old and the whole time I just though, got I hate having to split my attention and wow I really don’t want to go back to the age again.

theres just a lot of worry and doubt. Our friends in the thick of two kids are all exhausted and dare I say it miserable. Cost of living crisis means even my high earner friends are broke.

My sister also has two kids, and her youngest has severe special needs - she has never held back in telling me to enjoy what we have. This definitely makes me worry a bit that with so many unknowns with a second, that we risk ruining our lovely life. I know that’s harsh but I’m being honest.

But then despite all this we both worry that in ten years we’ll massively regret not giving things one last attempt at trying. Ugh it’s such a minefield.

anyway sorry for the babble. im not even making any sense. I am just keen for any input from anyone on if they’ve been in the same boat and how they made the decision to stop and what was the moment it finally clicked for certain?

please - no harsh comments thanks. If I sound smug it’s probably because I’m so traumatised from our losses that I’ve just learned to be happy with what we have. I’m being vulnerable and honest. I just want some kind honesty back.

At your ages the risk of additional needs (Down Syndrome, autism etc) is hugely increased compared to younger parents, and this is why we have stopped at two. I would like a third, but won't risk the amount of time, energy and attention my current two get. And that's without the emotionally draining aspect of trying to conceive in the first place which sucks the joy out of life around you. I think you're right to think that you focus on and enjoy your son. Don't let what could be steal what you have now.

Thank you for your honesty. I do hear what you’re saying. That part I’m not as worried about although I do get where you’re coming from and I know the risks increase. My mam had me at 42 and both my sisters had kids at 39 and 40 and my sis in law at 41 so I think I’ve had a lot around me with kids being perfect despite their age. I’ve also got friends who’ve had kids at 43 etc.

that being said I’m not dismissing your very valid points. It’s just that for me it’s more of a worry about us being happy. And I am honestly just so happy where are and worry we just won’t be with two. I am someone who loves my life as long as I prioritise my health and stress, and I think I thrive as a mam to my little boy because I feel like all my attention and energy is on him. but being split with two - I worry it’s just not for me. Some people thrive as parents but I’m not sure we do.

I just love our life and our dynamic. but I’m worried I’ll regret it down the line and one and done was just never on our plan.

however I will say my husband is one and done and he is one of the most content and secure people I know.

It sounds like you know that being one and done is what you really want but you're tying yourself in knots about a future baby that lets face it, might not necessarily even happen. Maybe you built it up in your mind that two kids was the perfect family for you before all the stress you went through, and now you're scared to let that go. I'm the same age as you but my DH is older, 56, and we have a 3 year old boy who is my world. Everyone keeps asking when I'm having my next one and I tell them I'm one and done because I know I haven't got the energy or inclination to deal with 2😅 I really hope you get some good advice on this thread but I just wanted to say that having an only isn't a bad thing😊

All of that is totally reasonable, as long as you consider your natural bias to the situation. But the big thing (and most important) is that it sounds like you have historically felt like you wanted two, but having experienced an insight into what two could be like you think it's not for you. And that's ok. It's only with kids we have this weird obsession of not adapting our goals based on experience. And the fact that your husband is one and done is a decider for me - two kids are greater than the sum of their parts when it comes to effort, and it sounds like it might be too much.

Sorry I actually meant he’s an only child 🙈 He’s as confused as I am. But all we both know is we’re very happy with our family of three!

im one of four he’s one and only - two felt like the perfect goal. But now we’re just tired of striving for a goal that actually isn’t reflective of the present or our journey. We’re just loving life and I think after so much hardship on the baby front, we’re ready to just love it even more!

Hi @Limon87I’m so sorry for your losses. It is so hard.

We worked very hard for a second and were older parents. There is 4 years between them. The journey nearly broke us - I think our relationship has recovered just about but it was a close call.

Having a second is tiring at first although getting easier again now he is 2. There is a lot I miss about just having our DD. I was a much better Mum - I have a shorter fuse now and have way less time for her. She gets quite jealous although I try to make sure she gets attention, love, time too. It isn’t easy. Overall it has definitely been a massive upheaval.

But we all absolutely adore our boy. He is so knock out gorgeous and cute and our family feels complete. Yes our DD has to share but it’s not a bad thing for her really and she also loves him and they have lots of fun. Overall I feel like we achieved what we set out for which was to complete our family as we thought it needed to be for us.

As you know, only you and your DH can decide what your complete family looks like. What I would say is that there is no right answer and there can be (a little) regret either way. Having a second sacrifices a bit of stability and attention for your son. Not having a second may also cause some regret. That doesn’t make either the wrong decision - every decision comes with positives and negatives.

Best of luck with your decision x

We were older partners (38 & 41) when DD came earthside via the assistance of IVF due to endometriosis damage. There are 3 potential siblings ‘on ice’ however DH and I have made peace we will be an only family - would have adored to have had 2 children but the risks of a second pregnancy outweigh having a second baby in my arms 💖 we don’t meet criteria for fostering or adoption either which is something we would’ve considered as I’m adopted

We had DC when I was 43 and DH 48 so unlikely we would ever have more but that was really by design.

We only ever wanted one. The family dynamic is great for us. If we’d have wanted more we’d have started earlier but it want something we ever entertained.

It took over 20 years from us buying a house together to having our first and only DC. That must be some sort of record!

I feel the same as you. We have a wonderful life being one and done, and I feel like having a second isn’t worth the risk of messing all that up. I do occasionally let other people and society in general get into my head wondering if I should have a second for various reasons, but ultimately I think we just need to tune that out and listen to what we’re feeling now. Personally, I know if I had a second and regretted it, that would be worse for me than the potential regret of not having one. So I just remind myself of that when I waver- better to stay one and done and maybe have a regret later, than risk ruining our happiness by trying to head off a regret that might never come.

We're one and done. It was really the only decision for us, but until my little one was about 4, I felt other people expected us to have another one. After that point, I felt those expectations dropped off and I was more able to relax about our choice. I think by that point all family had been told to stop asking, there wouldn't be another one.

You don’t want another child, so don’t have one. You can’t possibly know whether you might regret it in future, but (1) that’s the same with any decision and (2) it would be completely mad and irresponsible to make a new human being in case in the future you might be sad you didn’t.

DS is 13, and I’ve never regretted not us ing another child.

Thank you for this post it means a lot. It really has been so hard. I’ve lost myself, friends and just become so fearful, angry and anxious. We’re also just really tired - not at parenting, but at the struggle of becoming parents. The last lost was at ten weeks and required surgery and honestly it just broke me. I lost way more blood then anticipated and physically was in a low place for a few after.

But all that aside today with our friends’ little boy I just didn’t have any desire to be here again. I felt very much “thank god we’re out of this phase” and I can’t explain it, something just switched in me and my husband and I had a huge heart to heart tonight.

we both admitted that the only thing pushing us to go again is fear of regret, and actually that’s not really a good enough reason is it? He also admitted that he was worried about me and all I’d been through, and that he’d love to close the chapter and move on happily. He also said he just doesn’t think he’s cut out for two anymore whereas with our little boy he feels we can thrive and focus on our happiness and health for him.

also about two weeks ago, all the anger, resentment and comparison left me. I just have felt like my healing has finally began and I have finally reached a period of accepting where we are and truly loving and being so grateful for what we have without thinking about what we don’t have too much.

It’s been a long lonely road to get here. its taking years to get to this stage but its so nice, i just feel like ive got myself back.

thanks for your honesty about two kids. Despite my situation I am a firm believer in what is meant to be will be and I have no doubt you’re a wonderful mum to two. But I do appreciate it’s hard.

maybe if I was younger or maybe if I hadn’t been pregnant five times already I might have the energy. maybe if I wasn’t such an overthinker I could just crack on 😂 either way we are where we are.

this morning having slept on it I am still leaning to one and done way more. We are going to proceed with our fertility appointment as it’s paid for, mainly to hear my odds of loss again and help put it to bed.

im also going to find a counsellor to help me thrive in my healing and choice of letting go. Try get some empowerment back and just feel excited for the future again.

thanks to everyone who’s posted on here. Sometimes this forum is a scary brutal place but other times, like this thread, it’s really fabulous. I’m sure you’re all wonderful parents be it to one child or five children! It’s whatever works for you.

x

This thread is an oldie but a great read about all the great things about having one child https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/one_child_families/89525-in-praise-of-only-children-the-great-things-about-having

You may be thinking about it a lot right now, but it's also possibly hormones. The feeling wears off I think. There will be times that you might wonder, but then your friends with multiple kids will complain about their kids fighting, or the cost of having to move to a bigger house, or the costs of holidays, etc and you will realise how lucky you are. I think with one you will have a closer relationship as you will be playmate and company a lot more than if there was a sibling close in age. But, otherwise, you will have a portable kid who will be a lot cheaper than two and no risk of making things harder for all of you with pregnancies, etc. I know a few people who have tried for a second and got twins, for example. There is a lot of expectation for people to have two for some weird reason. Ignore that and look objectively at what makes sense for you three as a family.

Thank you, it’s pretty mad logic when you put it that way so it’s no surprise I’m having doubts really is it? 😂😂

Honestly mumsnet is dishing out the brilliant advice today ❤️ I really don’t want to thrive of comparing our peace to other people’s struggles with two or more… but i do get a bit of peace from seeing how challenging it is.

we are very very happy. Our little boy has just come in to us in bed today. Gave me a big cuddle told me he loves cuddles with me and he loves me so much. We’ve been away for the weekend by the seaside and he’s loved it.

also if we stick to one I can go part time at work when he’s in school, something that isn’t an option with two. And right now that life ahead ain’t looking like something we’ve had to settle on, instead it’s starting to feel like it might actually just be meant to be. ❤️

So interesting, I think as our little guy gets closer to four I’m becoming more comfortable with it all and couldn’t care less what people think or say. I’m actually getting excited for the future and loving the stage we’re at more then ever which is lovely!

Oh wow thanks for sharing this. Wow 20 years - but I dunno there are pros right?

we were broke when we first moved in together - whereas now we genuinely can give our little fella a very nice life especially one and done!

I also feel a lot more secure in who I am
at 38 over who I was at 28. Lost a lot of deadweight friends, made some amazing mates, enhanced the great friends I do have.

im feeling excited today about being one and done. So going to lean into that feeling for a while.

Definitely this. I got back to work a lot quicker - some friends who had three are struggling to get to work now when we all had our teens at the same time. Our DC is okay being an only child (I think most are) and we talk openly about it. It is more common these days than in my generation for sure. One thing to be aware of is that your child will kind of join your life as you two are the majority. We didn't do a lot of real 'kid' things as we did in the family I grew up in where we outnumbered our parents quite a lot. Holidays were more stuff that we wanted to do but also tailored enough for DC, while friends ended up in resorts with kids' clubs for ease and cost. Economies of scale are lost of course, so you have to be more careful about what is needed as it will only be used for a short period of time. But, we now have a 3 bed house where one room is an office. We wouldn't be able to afford a bigger house to fit in another child. Our friends have to have bigger houses and therefore more costs. It also helps financially if you want to spend money on tutoring or schooling as only need to consider the one, not whether you can afford it for all of them sort of thing.

I think you sound like you are quite happy with how things are. I would enjoy the happiness and continue with it as long as possible. Sadly in this life, happiness is not guaranteed, so make the most of it

Sorry for your losses @Limon87, it sounds like you have been on an emotional rollercoaster and I’m not surprised you now want to get off.

For what it is worth, I was always adamant that I wanted two children. I loved being a mum to my DD and thought it would be the same but better with two. However, much as I love my second, it has been extremely challenging. She didn’t sleep for 5 years, was (still is!) extremely clingy and struggles with her behaviour. She is dyslexic so needs a lot of attention with homework, and we’re awaiting an autism assessment. She also has a brilliant sense of humour and brings us so much joy - but it is hard and DD1 can definitely get a bit overlooked at times. It is difficult to admit and I wouldn’t wish DD2 away for a second, but life with one was definitely easier.

We’re a very happy family of 3, plus dog. Had ivf at 28 to have dd (now 14). Was the only time I’d been pregnant and it worked first time. I did go back when dd was about 4 to have further tests and was told due to my condition it could be a long road. We decided to count our blessings and move on. I can honestly say aside from a week or two of sadness we’ve not regretted it. Dd loves being an only child and is thriving. We’re extremely close as a family. She’s sociable, kind, funny, very into her hobby (which takes up a lot of our time) and doing great at school. Parenting her has been a joy. I think I’m a pretty good mum. I’m calm and stress free. Obviously teenage years might change lol

It doesn't sound like there are any compelling reasons to have another.

Thank you so much for sharing this: while I know there’s always a “for and against” any situation, threads like this really help with our situation ❤️

It sounds like you and your husband are in a good place now, after years of hardship. Protecting that is a valid priority. Adding another child is never just about the child — it’s about the whole system: your marriage, your health, your finances, your energy.
What matters is making the decision consciously, together, and in alignment with your values.

You know something what you’ve described is how I see our future. When in envisage us in ten years that is the goal.

I absolutely adore being a mam to my little man, and as corny as it sounds I feel like I was made to be his mam and he our little guy. We are just so close, he’s so happy and honestly we are thriving as a family of three. Genuinely just so happy and long may it continue.

im starting to feel like less of a “victim” to infertility, and more like actually multiple kids just wasn’t right for us. Theres a peace in me today I’ve not felt in years and dare I say it some excitement again. Going to just stay here for a while and make sure it’s a permanent feeling.

thanks for sharing though, we have a dog as well! A very much loved cockapoo and member of our family.