Really conflicted about a second child - help

[Cottonwoolclouds]

DS is 6, will be 7 later this year and is in year one at school.

He has suspected ASD/ADHD and is on the waiting list. I’ve just been diagnosed myself with both of these too.

DS has never asked for a sibling and he never seems unhappy - he seems to love to have our full attention and we play board games together, he does lots of extra curricular clubs including Beavers.
We tend to spend a lot of time out and about doing things with him and meeting friends too (both adults and children).

However we don’t have much family nearby (another reason we wanted to stop at one) except his grandparents (my DH’s parents) who live about 25 mins drive away, so we see them once or twice a week.
His aunties , uncles and cousins all live more than an hour away. It’s a shame as when he sees his cousins they play really well together and they’re all close in age.
I guess I’m panicking about him being lonely as he gets older. Both my DH and I have siblings but as mentioned above, we don’t see them often as we don’t live nearby and we don’t really hear from them either. So I know it’s no guarantee. But I remember growing up and having lots of cousins to play with and attend family events with at Christmas etc.
I find the whole decision making extremely daunting and not knowing if you are making the right one.
Currently, he enjoys having our full attention and full control of the TV to watch whatever he likes! We also have little routines with him, which I believe help to regulate his ASD and these may look very different if a baby was here.

So I’m very confused, torn and frustrated with trying to decide which way to turn with this decision, that I could ultimately regret either way.

I think the main issue is whether you and your DH actually want another child, rather than whether or not your DS needs a sibling to keep him company. They may not get along and children form their own friendship groups as they get older.

Does your DH want another?

@Bonmot57
No he doesn’t. He’s said he is happy with our son and doesn’t want another.
He’s also older than me by 8 years and said he feels tired now , he doesn’t want to be an ‘old’ dad either. He’s 45 next year, I know that’s not old in the scheme of things , but it seems to be a factor for him.

A sibling arriving when you are 7 years old isn't the kind of sibling you're hoping for. 7 years is considered a generation. They won't have a close bond other than a familial tie as adults. The ship has sailed in terms of having a child for your first child to enjoy a sibling. Only have a second if it's for you and your husband.

As PP says, he'll be nearly 8 at the youngest by the time you have another child. I've a sibling that much younger and we didn't play together as children. I left home when she was still at primary school. Our relationship now is just fine but not close as we don't live near each other. Having another baby would be something you do for yourself, not for him, and as your DH doesn't want one, it doesn't sound like you can/should go for it.

Agree with other pp. My younger sister was born when I was 8 and I became the third parent. We had totally different interests due to age gaps, when I was 16 and dating and studying, she was 8 ! Totally different stages of life.

I’m an only child and hated it . Was hell bent on providing DC1 a sibling. As it turns out DC1 is very likely autistic and highly intelligent and would have loved to have remained an only child.

DC2 arrived and there was a 5 year school gap. DC2 is not autistic (been tested) but does have significant learning disabilities.
I now have 2 adult children that are completely opposite in personality and ability. They have a at times difficult relationship.

I still worry constantly for DC2 future but my life is all the richer for having her.

My advice OP is be completely selfish, if you want another child have one . But it sounds like your husband is one and done.

@BeMintFatball Can I ask why you hated being an only child? That’s what I’m worried about. My DS hating this as he gets older and resenting us for it.

@BeMintFatball I’m worried I’d have a child with LD / severe ND and I don’t think I could cope.

Oh and I think my son is quite happy being an only at the moment, but I’m worried that’ll change when he’s older.

With such a big age gap it would be more like having 2 only children than siblings. A baby is going to take your attention away from him rather than give him company and he may resent that more than any perceived benefits of a sibling. One would have left home for uni by the time the 2nd started secondary school. As the pp have mentioned they would be in completely different age stages.

Don’t believe that siblings will always be best friends and support each other as they get older - some do and a number do not. Sadly I can give several examples where siblings just don’t get on as children and then into adulthood and in my experience adulthood for siblings who don’t really get on will just push them further apart. With the age gap you would have the chances of siblings being close is less - it’s almost a different generation at that age.

I have 2 with the exact same age gap - mainly due to my medical situation rather than choice. I echo all the previous posters. However both mine are the same sex and very close. They love each other and are happier having each other in their lives (despite the difference in age/interests etc).
however, they are both neurodiverse and differently from each other. It’s a hard road for a parent. Exhausting and expensive. If I knew one was ND I’d have thought differently before having a second. Luckily I didn’t know. But you do know. And the teenage years will be hard. Do you really want to have another little child growing up at that same time? And high chance the second will also be ND. So you will have to further split your time to attend to them in different ways. It will not be the rosy picture painted by 2 siblings who are NT and close in age. Have another only if you both want another, and you are prepared to juggle the above mentioned chaos.

It's a though one, like you i was hugely conflicted and had said no until I accidently fell pregnant and was over joyed, I lost the pregnancy then actively ttc. There is a 5 year age gap, they are very very close and im really glad I did it. I think any bigger age gap would have been too much. ( we said we would try for a year as dd was 4 already, but i fell pregnant immediately). Im going to get so much hate for this but all the people I have met that have been only children have been in someway mal adjusted. Either constantly needing to be the centre of attention or unable to compromise or have an awareness of others needs. Also the thought of my daughter being left on her own when we are gone was profoundly upsetting for me, however it has been tough. To go through the baby phase another 4 years of nursery fees, just as you are starting to get your life back. I dont regret having another, I wish I had them back to back!

Maladjusted? Are you having a laugh?

No, I've only known 2 or 3 people who were only children, one of whom was a best friend so it sounds bitchy but I don't mean it that way. It's hard to explain but she couldn't compromise at all. The other 2 had to be centre of attention and were massively over sensitive. It's just my experience. Maybe maladjusted is the wrong word I don't know how else to describe. Naturally everybody has flaws , only child or not

Ffs

Everyone is maladjusted in some way, @Artrunner . You're just blaming some of your friends' personality flaws on their being only children, rather than them being normal humans with flaws like everyone else.

The usual tropes about only children are being bandied about, I see. The 19th century ghost of G Stanley Hall’s theories is hard to get rid of!

In my job, I deal with bereaved families and those with elderly parents and in many years I’ve observed all manner of sibling rivalry (and very odd behaviour too). There is usually one child (almost always a daughter) who ends up with the burden of caring for the elderly parent(s) whilst the others swan off and do their own thing. Then when the parents are gone they bicker and fight over the inheritance.

By far the closest, most loving and harmonious families I encounter are those with one child. No one upmanship, favouritism, petty resentment or greed.

I can sort of see both sides of the coin here.....I was an only child and always wished for a sibling, I often felt lonely and was obsessed with babies.I grew up around lots of older adults and didn't feel very understood by them especially as I got older.However I had a lovely childhood in general- lots of time and attention from my parents, never wanted for anything provision wise and had many rich and stimulating life experiences.
Now I am mid 30s, my dad passed away afew years ago and my mum is in her mid 70s and fit and healthy but I do worry about the future as she literally just has me.I do think it's a shame my children don't have any uncles/ aunties/ cousins on my side as half of DH's family we don't speak to.I always knew I always wanted more than one child.

However, my DD has recently been diagnosed with ASD and since we had her sister in 2021 I honestly feel like she has in some ways sort of stayed at the age she was when she was born! I'm not sure if it's a competition for attention thing or just how she is....it might have been different if she didn't have a younger sibling, but it might not.The first year or so was HARD! She was constantly fighting for my attention as she had been an only child for 4.5 years and was very needy of closeness.So she did struggle to share us and her behaviour suffered.

That said, she enjoys having a sibling (most of the time haha!) they love each other to pieces and seeing them play and cuddle together makes my heart so full.I am absolutely glad I've had two.

But your situation does sound different as your DS is older and doesn't seem keen to have a sibling.Also if your DH isn't keen he might be resentful or unsupportive if his heart isn't in it.

If you're worried about family connections for your DS, can you move closer to the rest of your relatives?

I've had a second thought we couldn't have one so he's a little miracle i wouldn't change him, my DS 5 adores him . I make sure I have 1 on 1 time with my eldest.

Also on the age difference, there is 8 years between me and my DB and he is at my house every Sunday . I also have a sister with a 19 yo age gap (different mums ) great relationship. My most strained relationship is with my DB with a two year gap.

But do what works for you . I would have been delighted with just one, but I feel blessed to have two . I definitely knew after my second I was done , I never had that feeling with my first.

Just to add- mumsnet is very against big age gap siblings! Whilst it's true that they won't be able to play much as children, they would be siblings for life not just for childhood, and may be close later in life, or even find their own way to be close as kids anyway.
I don't think that would be enough reason to not have another, but I do think that if your DS and DH really aren't keen it probably wouldn't be a good idea.

I am an only child and I've got to be honest, i did have some of the issues you describe! Probably not helped by having older parents and a dad who was very over sensitive, critical, eccentric and struggled with social skills though.

I’m even more conflicted than when I first posted!

Spoke to DH tonight and he’s definitely not wanting another.
i think DS is totally fine as just the three of us.

It’s strange as some days I feel we are complete , as a little triangle of 3, others times I have this feeling of emptiness and longing - usually around my ovulation week so I’m not sure if it’s just hormonal.

I don’t want to live in regret but I’m scared of making a mistake.

Whatever you choose you will have some regret - you have to embrace this. Even if you choose to have the second you will have a lot of compromises and difficult decisions to make. If your DH isn’t on board then don’t have another. He might resent you/the child and not want the baby years/financial responsibility all over again. From all you’ve said you seem to be in a good place as 3. It’s just your FOMO speaking up.

Honestly, I think it's not just your choice - you keep saying 'whatever I choose' but your DH definitely doesn't want to have one and he's 50% of the potential parents in this situation.