Do I let my baby dad meet his son after being horrible to me all pregnancy and how do I go about this?

[Mum20255]

Feeling confused- I haven’t seen my daughters father since August last year because of many reasons (cheating, not providing a single penny not helping out , being a pain in the arse drinking and smoking you know all the basics 🤣) I’m pregnant and about to have his son in the next couple of months. He wasn’t to fond that i “got myself pregnant” last time or this time. I haven’t had him round at all while I’m pregnant as I don’t feel he is a safe person ( never hit me or any domestic abuse, only verbally over the phone ect). My concern is will he think there is a green light and the door is automatically back open when I give birth to his son. We are on speaking terms which is annoying me as I’ve tried to make it no contact since 6 months ago and he always finds way to be on good terms again. I don’t feel I can ever trust him in my house again after last years experience and how he has been the whole pregnancy over the phone. Am I being paranoid ? How should I go about saying “oh no I don’t want you to meet your son “ I just don’t know what to do or feel. On the other hand he may not be bothered at all or want to come over but there is a chance he may blow up and go crazy that I’m not letting him meet his son. Help it’s making me a nervous wreck 😰

Always people like that on this group but then I get really good advice aswell so best to ignore them , thankyou

If he keeps contacting you you can keep reporting him to the police. If it’s not about the children it’s boring old stalking and harassment.

Thankyou , he won’t be ok the certificate at all as my dugahter isn’t and has my last name he’s not fit to be a dad and I have a few excuses for him not to go on it. I’m just worried he will turn up or try and find me as he’s said before if I don’t let him see his son.
I have a folder of over 60 screenshots that I’m keeping and have Ben sent to his mum in the past but that didn’t stop him contacting me. I tell him I don’t want contact and he will get abusive over the phone and eventually start a “normal” convo to smooth it over then I’m always back to square one of him thinking we’re on good terms.

Thankyou for your advice it’s really helpful I’m just dealing with somone that doesn’t see court or anything like that in a functional way so me even asking him to go to court is a no no and laughable to him. I’ll just have to take one day at a time and if it gets bad I’ll have to live in with my mum until I find a house where he doesn’t know about. I would meet him in a park however I’m worried he will follow me home or thinks he can come b as k with me then and then I’m stuck.
i just sound so weak but mabey im pregnancy paranoid at the moment and will all click after , although I have a feeling all of this and how I’ve been treated this pregnancy is gonna cause post partum especially if he is still on my case after. I’m just so mad

May I ask why you are responding to him when he contacts you from unblocked numbers ?

If they are texts - don't respond. If calls, only answer numbers you know. If he's calling from friends / family phones - block their numbers. You have to take a deep breath here and make your boundaries good and strong. Don't give him an 'in'.

Don't tell him when you go into labour.

Don't tell him when the baby is born.
Explain to the midwives at the hospital you are estranged and not to let him in.
You don't let him have any say in names - first or surname.

If he comes to the house, wanting to see the baby, you don't let him in. Get a chain put on the door and keep the door locked so he can't walk in.
If you do agree for him to see his child - meeting not at your house, with your DD.

You can do this.

You sound really scared of him and like he controls the rules.

I agree with contacting Women’s Aid or telling your midwife to get support. You can make some ground rules too. He won’t like it, that’s why you will need support. It seems best to start as you mean to go on though as he will be their Dad for a long time.

You’ve had some good advice already. As you are split up and not friends, I suggest using a parenting app only to communicate with him. This will keep all the messages if they are needed for court. https://www.ourfamilywizard.co.uk/

I think you will need to get some support for yourself. He sounds nasty. Best wishes

”But I think he will have more of a say with his son”

Why?

Oh my, you decided to have TWO children with him.

He has a right to see his children and he will likely cause you a lot of drama for a long time.

Yeeeeessss, and you had unprotected sex 8 months ago with your daughter's deadbeat dad because...?

That doesn’t really answer that question does it? You have a deadbeat of a man in your life and not providing for his daughter and you end up pregnant again by this man knowing what he is like?

Can you say the scan was wrong and it's another girl? It might buy you a bit more time to implement the other sensible advice if he is disinterested in daughters.

You have security in your building, so he presumably can't get into your home unless you allow it. He has no right to be in your home.

Good luck and hope you and your babies stay safe.

Tell him you had a girl. Sounds like that would make him disappear

@BlondiePortz But OP is a good mother who wishes to protect her children from an aggressive sexist bigot who openly wished his own children and their mother dead.

She can leave the family court to draw their conclusions.

A genuine question for all the posters saying to let court deal with it
Would the court not consider the fact that OP went back for baby number 2? He was so bad he's not on the birth certificate and they have no contact with DC1 but she went in for round 2?

@Blueberry911 I haven't heard of that being a thing, have you?
Court prioritises the rights of the kids to have a relationship with their scumbag father.

You contact the police and women’s aid who will help you.

But you also accept your responsibility for creating this situation for yourself and more importantly for your children.

In your original email you added a laughing emoji - I do appreciate you are scared underneath the bravado - but accepting that you have been a fool to not only let this man back after you had one child with him, but then got pregnant again - is essential if you are to move forward to a better life.

If you continue to frame it as not your responsibility you will let him back again, or pick up someone equally appalling. If it was just about your life - fair enough, but it isn’t, and it is time you grew up.

Right now you need to focus on the basics, but once that is sorted, people on here often recommend the Freedom Programme for women caught in abusive relationship cycles.

This might seem extreme, but in your position, I would move quite far away and make sure the deadbeat dad can't find out where to. I wish I had done the same when I was in a similar situation. Just start again afresh, devote yourself to your children, work on your self worth and complete the freedom program as others have recommended.