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One-child families

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Original poster

Do I let my baby dad meet his son after being horrible to me all pregnancy and how do I go about this?

41 replies

Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 20:33

Feeling confused- I haven’t seen my daughters father since August last year because of many reasons (cheating, not providing a single penny not helping out , being a pain in the arse drinking and smoking you know all the basics 🤣) I’m pregnant and about to have his son in the next couple of months. He wasn’t to fond that i “got myself pregnant” last time or this time. I haven’t had him round at all while I’m pregnant as I don’t feel he is a safe person ( never hit me or any domestic abuse, only verbally over the phone ect). My concern is will he think there is a green light and the door is automatically back open when I give birth to his son. We are on speaking terms which is annoying me as I’ve tried to make it no contact since 6 months ago and he always finds way to be on good terms again. I don’t feel I can ever trust him in my house again after last years experience and how he has been the whole pregnancy over the phone. Am I being paranoid ? How should I go about saying “oh no I don’t want you to meet your son “ I just don’t know what to do or feel. On the other hand he may not be bothered at all or want to come over but there is a chance he may blow up and go crazy that I’m not letting him meet his son. Help it’s making me a nervous wreck 😰

OP posts:
Nevertrustacop · 28/03/2025 20:47

Of course he's going to meet his son one way or another if he wants that. You may be able to delay it, but obviously you can't prevent it. If he's as useless as you suggest he will probably get bored of DS soon anyway. But if you share a child with someone you are going to be seeing them and dealing with them for the next 20 years or so.

Original poster
Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 20:52

Nevertrustacop · 28/03/2025 20:47

Of course he's going to meet his son one way or another if he wants that. You may be able to delay it, but obviously you can't prevent it. If he's as useless as you suggest he will probably get bored of DS soon anyway. But if you share a child with someone you are going to be seeing them and dealing with them for the next 20 years or so.

I understand, but he’s wished death on me and the baby on the way multiple times so I don’t want him to come round my house at all and I’m getting nervous about it.

OP posts:
Morningsleepin · 28/03/2025 20:52

Well you can not put him on the birth cert so if you feel he is not good for your son, you can safely stop contact

Original poster
Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 20:59

Morningsleepin · 28/03/2025 20:52

Well you can not put him on the birth cert so if you feel he is not good for your son, you can safely stop contact

We haven’t spoken about this he isn’t on the birth certificate for our first child. But I think he will have more of a say with his son. But I don’t want the child to have his last name or be on the certificate. Just worried about how it’s all gonna play out when he’s here in a couple of months.

OP posts:
TheHerboriste · 28/03/2025 21:13

Wait, you and your child are estranged from an alcoholic deadbeat substance abuser but you are bearing a second child by him and considering allowing him to be around these poor kids?

Have you considered speaking to Women’s Aid?

TwigletsAndRadishes · 28/03/2025 21:15

Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 20:59

We haven’t spoken about this he isn’t on the birth certificate for our first child. But I think he will have more of a say with his son. But I don’t want the child to have his last name or be on the certificate. Just worried about how it’s all gonna play out when he’s here in a couple of months.

Show quote history

Fuck knows why you'd want to have a second child with a man who you didn't trust enough to put on the BC of your first child.

What on earth is wrong with some women? All this fuss about whether or not you should let him worm his way back in the meet his son, and you've completely disregarded the fact that he's not bothered with his poor daughter since last August.

Threads like this depress the hell out of me. Poor kids. They deserve better than this.

endofthelinefinally · 28/03/2025 21:15

You would be insane to put him on the birth certificate.

Original poster
Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 21:37

TheHerboriste · 28/03/2025 21:13

Wait, you and your child are estranged from an alcoholic deadbeat substance abuser but you are bearing a second child by him and considering allowing him to be around these poor kids?

Have you considered speaking to Women’s Aid?

I’ve not considered it at all but everyone I’ve spoken to has said “of corse he should see his son” I’m simply asking what do I say to him to not thurther escalate the situation as there’s only so many excuses I can make after the birth 😩

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/03/2025 21:43

And you're having another baby with him because...?

BlueMoon23 · 28/03/2025 21:45

Don't put his name on the birth certificate. If he wants contact then he can apply to the court for this. Block his number. You don't need to speak to him, answer his calls or have him at your home. You sound scared of him. Please consider getting some help from women's aid so you can protect your kids from him.

Ikeameatballs · 28/03/2025 21:56

What strikes me here is the discussion is focused upon him “seeing his son” and not is lack of regard for his daughter. It, together with his treatment of you, speaks strongly of him not valuing women and a broader misogyny.

I agree with pp, you are highly unlikely to be able to stop this man seeing your children but I would not put him on the birth certificate or allow anything which indicates to your daughter that he values her brother over her just because of their genitals.

And yes, give yourself a shake and don’t have sex with or allow this man back into your life again. Communicate via trusted third party only.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2025 22:14

Why would you let him see the baby when he doesn’t see your daughter? How do you think that would make her feel?

Original poster
Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 23:45

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/03/2025 21:43

And you're having another baby with him because...?

I’m 8 months pregnant

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 23:46

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/03/2025 22:14

Why would you let him see the baby when he doesn’t see your daughter? How do you think that would make her feel?

I stop him from seeing her because if comments he’s made. No i do not want him to see his son my question from this post is “how do I go about this” when he knows where I live and will turn up of “catch me on a walk” as he has said

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 23:49

Ikeameatballs · 28/03/2025 21:56

What strikes me here is the discussion is focused upon him “seeing his son” and not is lack of regard for his daughter. It, together with his treatment of you, speaks strongly of him not valuing women and a broader misogyny.

I agree with pp, you are highly unlikely to be able to stop this man seeing your children but I would not put him on the birth certificate or allow anything which indicates to your daughter that he values her brother over her just because of their genitals.

And yes, give yourself a shake and don’t have sex with or allow this man back into your life again. Communicate via trusted third party only.

Thankyou for a decent response. Yes he’s highly anti feminist and even says he hates women. I do not want him in our lives at all. The problem is he knows where I live and I’m worried when the boy is here it’s gonna spark him up to turn up unannounced or catch me outside on a walk. This is why I need advice on.
do you advice I make excuses not to come over the house and to meet him in a alternate area with another adult ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum20255 · 28/03/2025 23:51

BlueMoon23 · 28/03/2025 21:45

Don't put his name on the birth certificate. If he wants contact then he can apply to the court for this. Block his number. You don't need to speak to him, answer his calls or have him at your home. You sound scared of him. Please consider getting some help from women's aid so you can protect your kids from him.

I am scared. This is my main issue if I block him will he turn up or get angry and I think the only thing i can do is move somwhere that he dosent know where I live but would be a massive shame as I love where I’m living now and I also have 24 hour security in my building. But walking outside have none

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 28/03/2025 23:55

Bloody hell, I do feel sorry for your kids OP. I’m sure you have some great qualities but you also appear to be daft as a brush - why did you have two children with this useless article?

I would stop obsessing over an idiot - you aren’t a child. Just get on with building a life. If he sorts himself out and wants to build a relationship - ok, but right now involving him in your family does seem to be an excuse for you to keep him in your life / have a bit of drama going.

Codlingmoths · 29/03/2025 00:00

Have you texted him in writing to say given the things you have said to me regularly, most weeks during this pregnancy such as you wish I were dead (list at least 3), I don’t feel safe with you around. I won’t answer the phone, you can message if it’s about your child. I have reported your threats to the police and will call them if I see you.

then you: speak to women’s aid AND the police and ask what you can do, and what options there are for contact with the baby. If he mentions the baby you say i understand you want to see your children, I am arranging some third party contact where someone else will take them to meet you. You won’t be allowed to take the baby on your own. You are not allowed in my house and I am frightened to see you. You need to do all of this quickly, before you have a baby!

you don’t need to tell him the baby is born until you’re ready. Wait a week. Register the baby. When you go into labour block his phone.

And make it both children all the time. if he doesn’t want to see both he won’t turn up.

letsallchant · 29/03/2025 00:01

BlueMoon23 · 28/03/2025 21:45

Don't put his name on the birth certificate. If he wants contact then he can apply to the court for this. Block his number. You don't need to speak to him, answer his calls or have him at your home. You sound scared of him. Please consider getting some help from women's aid so you can protect your kids from him.

This

Plus, I hope all the 'why are you having another baby with him?' posters will at least offer OP the use of the time machine they presumably have. Honestly, what's the point?

TooBigForMyBoots · 29/03/2025 00:02

You don't have to have him round your house, you don't even have to speak to him.

For the past 6 yrs Ex has been barred from my home and all our contact is via text. But my son has regular contact with his dad. 1 afternoon and 1 overnight every week.

It can be done.

Meadowfinch · 29/03/2025 00:11

Okay OP, in order....

  1. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. This is a baby he has wished dead, how can contact possibly be to the child's advantage
  2. Tell him to go to court and ask to be added, if he wants contact. That should buy you a few months, which will allow you to get into a routine.
  3. When he gets access via the court (if he can be bothered) do not allow him into your home. It will be summer. He can see his child in the park or in a coffee shop or you could meet at a relative's house.
  4. Always take your daughter with you. He does not get to choose one child over the other.
Keep all texts & messages in which he wished the child dead. They provide proof that he is not a fit father, and that you are right to be cautious.

And stay away from him yourself as much as possible. Bringing a third child in to a broken relationship would not be good for you or your children.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/03/2025 00:18

Meadowfinch · 29/03/2025 00:11

Okay OP, in order....

  1. Do not put his name on the birth certificate. This is a baby he has wished dead, how can contact possibly be to the child's advantage
  2. Tell him to go to court and ask to be added, if he wants contact. That should buy you a few months, which will allow you to get into a routine.
  3. When he gets access via the court (if he can be bothered) do not allow him into your home. It will be summer. He can see his child in the park or in a coffee shop or you could meet at a relative's house.
  4. Always take your daughter with you. He does not get to choose one child over the other.
Keep all texts & messages in which he wished the child dead. They provide proof that he is not a fit father, and that you are right to be cautious.

And stay away from him yourself as much as possible. Bringing a third child in to a broken relationship would not be good for you or your children.

All of this plus your last name and file for CSA.

Original poster
Mum20255 · 29/03/2025 09:59

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 28/03/2025 23:55

Bloody hell, I do feel sorry for your kids OP. I’m sure you have some great qualities but you also appear to be daft as a brush - why did you have two children with this useless article?

I would stop obsessing over an idiot - you aren’t a child. Just get on with building a life. If he sorts himself out and wants to build a relationship - ok, but right now involving him in your family does seem to be an excuse for you to keep him in your life / have a bit of drama going.

He’s not involved never has been for the past 8 months when I made a decision I don’t want to see him again so please don’t comment on me being “daft” as I’ve had no desire to be around this man. I’m asking a Simple question that you didn’t understand clearly. How do I go about not letting him meet his son when he knows where I live ? Stop making everything about the female things went bad AFTER I got pregnant I stepped AWAY

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum20255 · 29/03/2025 10:03

Codlingmoths · 29/03/2025 00:00

Have you texted him in writing to say given the things you have said to me regularly, most weeks during this pregnancy such as you wish I were dead (list at least 3), I don’t feel safe with you around. I won’t answer the phone, you can message if it’s about your child. I have reported your threats to the police and will call them if I see you.

then you: speak to women’s aid AND the police and ask what you can do, and what options there are for contact with the baby. If he mentions the baby you say i understand you want to see your children, I am arranging some third party contact where someone else will take them to meet you. You won’t be allowed to take the baby on your own. You are not allowed in my house and I am frightened to see you. You need to do all of this quickly, before you have a baby!

you don’t need to tell him the baby is born until you’re ready. Wait a week. Register the baby. When you go into labour block his phone.

And make it both children all the time. if he doesn’t want to see both he won’t turn up.

Thankyou that’s really helpful and I have texted various things like this many times and then he will make excuses to start up a conversation again then he thinks we’re on good terms again just becuase we had a normal conversation. He’s delusional I’ve even asked his mum to tell him to have no contact with me and it just carry’s on I’ve blocked him he contacts me on other numbers asking for his stuff ect which then turns into “how are you” so on then thinks we’re all good again when we are not

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 29/03/2025 10:04

You chose to have a baby with him your child had the right to see their father, your child is not a possession you own