One child by choice - reasons why?

[darkchocolatecoffee]

I always envisaged having 2 children but I’m finding parenting hard and have no desire to go back to the start.

I see a lot of reasons for stopping at 1 child are usually fertility and finances.

but has anyone stopped just because they simply don’t want a second child for reasons like:
-less strain on relationship with your partner
-can afford 2 but want a better lifestyle for 1
-both parents working full time busy jobs and no family help so wish to put all energy and time into 1 child
-more feasible to retain some of ‘old’ life like hobbies, interests and socialising and have some personal down time

I often see it said on here ‘don’t have a second child just for sibling!!’ But then others will trot out the stereotypes about only children being lonely and selfish…

I also look around and can see some lovely sibling relationships but also some ranging from indifference to being estranged/no contact with a lot of trauma caused from childhood into adulthood…. So nothing can be guaranteed.

can anyone empathise or had similar reasons to above for sticking to 1 child?

I'm an only child and wasn't lonely at all. I had a lovely childhood, not spoiled (my parents were actually really strict) but a lot of love and attention. As an adult I'm very happy in my own company and am actually quite glad I don't have a sibling to resent for not helping with aging parents, as both of my own parents have experienced.

I have an only child myself by choice.

The only thing I would say is that I suspect we put more effort into dd's social life than we would if she had a sibling so she's always fine to have friends over and has pretty regular sleepovers and we often take a friend with us on holiday if there's a spare bed and we're not sharing a room. She also does sport about 5 times a week (her choice) and competes pretty regularly on the weekend). Now she's 12 she sorts most of her social life out herself but it means a lot of lifts, watching hours of sport in hot leisure centres and keeping food in for hungry teens!

Money.

I have 2 but wanted to say that there is nothing wrong with an only!

My best friend is an only child and the most loving generous person I know. She had plenty of resources growing up which is why I believe she is so generous and able to share as she didn’t have to fight siblings for stuff.

My first boyfriend when I was a teenager was the same. Very generous and kind and I believe it’s because he was an only so more than happy to share and lend things because he didn’t ever experience fighting for stuff.

They are both very well adjusted adults with no mental health issues. I know that’s anecdotal but every only I’ve met has made excellent friends.

We don’t have any reasons for only having one.
We just had no reasons to have a second, not any strong desire, we were happy as a family of three.
And we thought any potential new human deliberately conceived should be really wanted in their own right not just created due to social pressures or “as a sibling”.

I always wanted to 2 but at the time trying for no.2 dd started shosing asd signs and I stopped everything.
I realised I couldn't handle another with the emotional upheaval I felt. Dd is now turning the corner, and maybe it'll live to be a regret

I had a boy. If I'd have gone again, I knew I would have ended up with two boys. Just didn't want two boys so I stopped at one.

Like you I always wanted 2 children but I suffered massively from post natal depression and I couldn't ever go back to that dark place.
Therefore I have decided to stick to one! Also makes sense for us now financially.

Thanks everyone - great to read posts from people in the same boat and words of support.

Yes makes sense @DarkForces I envisage we’ll have an open door policy to any friends that wish to come over and encourage hobbies and socialising and taking friends on holidays etc.

Having one child is more than enough. The disruption, stress and ongoing time etc etc etc. wouldn't do it again for all the money in the world, my mental health is more important.

I was happy to have one child. I'm a sahm and have a lot of time for hobbies and sport during school terms now DD is at school. Days out are easier with 2 adults to supervise one child. She does lots of after school and weekend activities and it's nice to be able to facilitate all her interests without compromising because it would be too difficult with a sibling in tow or because the sibling wants to do something else on the other side of town. We do lots of focused one to one activities which wouldn't be possible with another child. So it suits our lifestyle and the way I parent.

So many reasons like that for me.

I love being a mum to my only daughter.
I also like being alone (introvert 😊) , sleep, time to go running, see different groups of friends, read. I'm quite selfish and I never realised this before I had DD. I need space and don't want kids climbing over me all the time 😂

I also like my job and I don't want to not work.
My side of the family do no childcare and my mother in law is increasingly difficult and we couldn't afford to put another child through childcare.

I'm not a natural mother. My daughter is 6 now and it's still hard. She's very active, I'm sure has ADHD. Doesn't sleep much, there is little downtime.

Also relationship reasons. My partner is quite lazy and likes trips abroad. I'm already full to capacity with one child.

Yes agree with so much of that @mrlistersgelfbride. With the cost of childcare, a second would mean me not working which would affect my mental health for sure. I don’t know how parents with full time jobs and no family help have the energy and time for more than 1 child!

As soon as I had my first, I knew I was one and done, it’s very hard work and without the family/“village” support like in our case, it’s not enjoyable most of the time in the first 12 months, in my case anyway. Now my dd is 2.5 and so much easier, no way would I go back to the beginning, have zero desire for that.

I had ds & had such an awful birth experience where I nearly died that my body made the choice for me, I could get pregnant, but then my body rejected the pregnancy.

I do have fertility issues but we have two embryos we will probably never use because we feel done with one child. I think part of it for me is I am done with the whole TTC pregnancy and birth thing. I have friends who started TTC at the same time as us and they had two children before DH and I even had our one. We have already spent 4 years in the TTC/ upset when your period comes/ negative pregnancy tests/ sex becoming an obligation/ ovulation tests/ IVF etc etc sphere, and we’ve just had enough. I don’t want another minute of dealing with any of those things, I want to enjoy my daughter, when for so many years I thought I would never be a mum.

I also have zero desire to be pregnant again and nothing could persuade me to willingly give birth again.

Further I have a health condition that caused severe pain and mood problems, it is overall well managed on medication (still have a few issues) but it causes me not to ovulate. I would need to go back to the pain and low mood to TTC again and I don’t want to. The medication has turned my life around and I’m glad DD doesn’t need to see me in that pain or depressed.

Work wise I’m in a good place, I got promoted after maternity leave and I don’t want time out at the moment.

Our house wouldn’t be great for two kids, we already struggle to manage two full time jobs and housework and childcare as it is, we do get some me time though which we both badly need. I’m encouraged by the families with older children who stuck to one and it has worked out.

Glad you hear you’ve witnessed it go well with older only children @kikisparks
I worry sometimes when I read adult only children write on here about hating their childhood, loneliness etc. however all the adult only children I know in real life are well balanced and happy

I have a 3 year old daughter and love her so much and truly enjoy being a Mum to her. I don't feel like I need or want another child and feel like it would be too much for me to have another. I can't help but feel guilty that she is an only child as I have 3 sisters and we're best friends and couldn't imagine life without them, I don't want my DD to resent me when she's older for not giving her a siblings 💔

So what, though? You can’t have a child you don’t want in case your existing child might come, in time, to think they’d have preferred a sibling. No one should have a child because someone else might want them to.

Our main reason was that we couldn’t afford 2 sets of nursery fees!

DS is 15 now and the most lovely young man (everyone says so, so I’m not just biased). He’s confident and happy. It was lovely in Christmas Eve when we took him out for dinner with all adult friends and he was conversing with them like he was just one of the group. He definitely gets more opportunities as an only child, if he wants to do something, he can which we couldn’t do if we had more to pay for. He doesn’t act spoiled and he’s very generous. All our friends with multiple, similar aged children seem to do it fight and sulk tbh.

I tried pregnancy and birth once, nearly died, decided I didn't like it, never had another. Also our housing wasn't big enough.

It’s hard.
didn’t want to “start again”.
husband was shit (but got better, eventually).

oh yeh… and awful birth, dealing with a rectocele prolapse due to forceps delivery.

I might learn this off by heart! Love it!

I had terrible PND, anxiety and psychosis that came totally unexpected and caused much trauma for my little family.. I'm too scared to go again :/