One child by choice - reasons why?

[darkchocolatecoffee]

I always envisaged having 2 children but I’m finding parenting hard and have no desire to go back to the start.

I see a lot of reasons for stopping at 1 child are usually fertility and finances.

but has anyone stopped just because they simply don’t want a second child for reasons like:
-less strain on relationship with your partner
-can afford 2 but want a better lifestyle for 1
-both parents working full time busy jobs and no family help so wish to put all energy and time into 1 child
-more feasible to retain some of ‘old’ life like hobbies, interests and socialising and have some personal down time

I often see it said on here ‘don’t have a second child just for sibling!!’ But then others will trot out the stereotypes about only children being lonely and selfish…

I also look around and can see some lovely sibling relationships but also some ranging from indifference to being estranged/no contact with a lot of trauma caused from childhood into adulthood…. So nothing can be guaranteed.

can anyone empathise or had similar reasons to above for sticking to 1 child?

That’s great to hear @batsareace I’m sure that being an only child cant be the only defining part to play in someone’s childhood/adulthood. Especially if you are loved and supported. It’s a shame there is some untrue assumptions of onlies like the spoiled thing, lots of people with siblings get spoiled too!

We can most definitely afford another. However, we are stopping at 1. For 2 reasons.

1. If we had another, we would need to buy a bigger house and love the area we are in. 4 beds don't come up often in our area, and i hate moving.

1. we both work full time with no family support. Feel that due to that, 1 child would suit us better than 2.

I didn’t want another after our DD. I had an ok pregnancy but a terrible birth. DD was generally a sweet baby but would not sleep. In fact, she had sleep issues until she went to reception. We have no family nearby and my DH and I literally did not have even a date night for years. We also live in an area that doesn’t have good schools and so we have gone private which is not easy. All in all I think I would have had a mental break with another child. My DD is light of my life and everyone loves her. She is neither lonely or selfish. We are also happy with our decision.

I would have liked a second child.
If I act on that, it will end in divorce. I have raised our 4 year old virtually single handedly so it's very possible that the outcome will be the same regardless.

We stopped at one. One is delightful. I have time and energy to be a fantastic mum. Two or more, I'd be spread so thin. I read experiences of people with two, and see my friends with two, and I just don't want that level of slog!

One means more time and energy and resources for one. More patience. More time for myself and my interests. We have no family support and both full time, but in flexible jobs that allow us to pick up and not rely on after school care.

I am mid 30s. Plan on enjoying the rest of DDs childhood to the max, then partial retirement in 12 years and spend those years travelling and having a wonderful time.

Isn’t it slightly odd that this is even a question? I mean, isn’t an equally obvious question ‘Why did you have more than one child when you’d already satisfied your curiosity about what having a child and being a parent was like? Why do it all over again?’

Im one and done and not guilty one bit about that decision. I love my dd but one is enough for me. I dont have any more of myself to give.
Im enjoying watching her become more independent. I’d honestly dread being pregnant, going back to the baby stage. I am grateful i have experienced it but not an experience I want to repeat.

I actually struggle to see why so many people have more than one. Double the work, double the demands, double the worry, less time, less money, more guilt. No thanks.

The whole giving them a sibling thing has never been a contributing factor in my decisions either as there are just too many variable with it. They might hate each other and never speak.

So in short if you want one OP thats fine, you dont need a reason.

Yes for all the reasons you listed.

Plus, it's awesome! Love having one.

I'm nearly 60.
My mum is 85.
I'm an only child. I wished I had a sibling whilst growing up.
I wished I had a sibling as a young adult. To share the burden to be honest.

Now I feel so alone while navigating all her issues. It's all down to me to deal with everything. It wouldn't bother me if a sibling couldn't help but I'd have someone to mentally share the emotions of it all.

I was a very lonely child.

I should also add, half of our child's year group at school are only children (they're 9 so unlikely to be any more now!)

The majority of our friends have also opted to stick at one.

The tide has definitely turned and way more people are stopping at one and realise there's more to life than slogging your guts out for years on end parenting multiple children.

I had a horrific pregnancy with hyperemesis, I felt like I was going to die and have never felt as ill as I did during pregnancy. I have been a single parent since the beginning and never bothered dating after having her although I'm late 30s now so could still have another

I'm a great mum to DD, I have thoroughly enjoyed my parenting experience. She's a teen now and we get on brilliantly with lots in common she's a fabulous companion and we particularly like going to the theatre and meals in restaurants. I think having multiple children would have been much, much harder on me and on her. She's autistic so the noise and spontaneity siblings brings would have been hard on her and I would also find that difficult not to mention the stress of juggling of activities.

My friend has two boys close in age 7/9 and I am very fond of them but the constant poking, winding each other up and general noise would reduce my patience drastically. I have managed to never have raised my voice to DD but in that situation I think I would have to to stop them winding each other up.

I hated being pregnant and had no wish or urge to do it again.

@ButtockUp your experience is completely irrelevant here. So many reasons why a child may or may not be lonely growing up whether they have a sibling or not.

Equally there may be a myriad of reasons you may not get practical or emotional support from a sibling with an aging parent.

So even if a parent had a sibling there is no guarantee at all they wouldnt be loney as a child or an older adult.

Surely you’re not saying someone who only wants one child should have one anyway because of your experience?

Seems crazy to me. A second child is no guarantee of a better childhood. If anything it adds additional pressures and strains, emotionally, financial an otherwise which may impact the child more

Unless you don’t have siblings you really won’t understand the utter loneliness of being an only child.

What a spectacularly crap thing to post on a thread solely about those who only want one child. You might have wanted a sibling thinking it would have helped you in some way but that's just your viewpoint, growing up as an only doesn't have to be lonely and having a sibling isn't a guarantee of not being lonely.

@Faz469 @oldgreysquirrel yes exactly same reasons for me

@amidsummernightsdream thanks :) I think people have the second partly due to putting stock in the sibling reason, partly due to societal expectations or perhaps they just really thrive from parenting (this isn’t me!) or have a different situation (one stays at home, family help etc)

@ChampagneGold i agree the tide is beginning to turn. I also feel empowered by my friends choosing to go child free and turning their back on societal expectations. I’m in London where I think ‘onlies’ are common

@Singleandproud that’s also part of it. You can say you’ve enjoyed your parenting experience which is great. I feel with more than one, I would feel too stretched and in the trenches to actually enjoy it!

I totally agree, it shouldn't be a question. I guess there is a still a stigma I feel from having an only child by choice - I’ve seen it from comments on MN and also had it in real life. AFTER I’ve said in real life I want to stick at one, people have said ‘no you should do it if you can afford it’ or ‘no your child will be lonely and needs a playmate and sibling’. Bear in mind my baby is not even 1 yet - I’m sure I’ll get more comments in a couple of years and I just need to develop a thick skin. I just am defensive because I hate the suggestion I’m being selfish or making the wrong choice for my child. I think some people ‘permit’ having an only child if it’s not possible for fertility or financial reasons.

I agree it shouldn’t be a question though, I just think people question childfree, only child and families more than 2.

I have one and didn't want another in any way. I did feel some slight pressure when he was about 2 because it was the done thing and I felt like an outlier, but had so many rational reasons not to do it plus zero broody feelings. I don't regret now he's 8. I occasionally have a pang of has he missed something? But it's getting easier in the sense we are so used to our family dynamic and he doesn't ever ask for siblings or complain about any loneliness. I have no desire to have another, can mostly only see advantages to staying as we are. We both have mid management jobs, not much work pressure and a lot of flexibility, enough money for treats and holidays and different clubs etc. I had a promotion when ds was 2 and am comfortable where I am professionally for now. Life feels pretty easy really. He's so happy, confident, outgoing and well adjusted. We feel so lucky and I see friends with more and just think - not for me

I have an opinion on an open forum. If people are going to feel hurt by responses on an open forum then that’s their problem.
people who only want one child will be hurt by my comments but that is for them to bear.
unless the poster said ‘ I only want the answers that I want to hear’ then it’s a bit daft, isn’t it.

I stand by what I’ve said. It’s bloody lonely and my childhood was crap.

I could never see myself having a child. In my 20’s I was single, had a life I enjoyed and I was establishing my career. I had a chaotic family life as a child and saw nothing to recommend relationships or children. However when I hit my 30s I started to feel something was missing. I met my now lovely DH and we decided to have a child. I couldn’t imagine having more than one and after IVF, a traumatic birth and PND that position was only reconfirmed. I love my son very much, but didn’t enjoy the baby years at all. Outside of work I felt like I’d lost my sense of self. I’ve never regretted stopping at one. I feel I have the best of all worlds - a lovely family life and back to work in a career I enjoy. Financially we can do more and life feels balanced. The one concern I have is my son being lonely as an only child. However he has a good social group, we get to spend a lot of time with him doing fun activities and he does various clubs. I think there is no right or wrong - it’s just what’s right for you.

I thought we were done with one. Caved to hormones/societal pressure and had a second.

DC2 is my pride and joy and a damn site easier than DC1 was.

Despite this, I think I would have been a better mother, partner, daughter and friend sticking to 1. I like order, I like calm, I like being in control and I don’t do well in chaos. 2 has seen me off identity wise as managing 2 (granted, still very young children) often is chaos and anything but calm. I find life hard, exponentially harder than when I had one.

It’s totally okay to recognise what you do and don’t want and stick to it. You don’t owe anyone any more children if it isn’t what you want.

@ButtockUp it’s an open forum but I posted this topic intentionally on the one child families board as I wanted opinions from others who are choosing to have one child - there are plenty of other threads talking about 1 vs 2 children and it always ends with the same predictable stereotypes being thrown out.

I know lots of people with siblings who had a dysfunctional relationship and were still lonely and still say they had a ‘crap’ childhood. I know plenty of well adjusted adult onlies who had a fantastic life.

Ultimately if it helps you to blame your ‘crap’ childhood on your lack of siblings, go for it if it makes you feel better.

These are the reasons we have one and no intention of having another one. She has lovely friends, goes to nursery 5 days a week so is very well socialised, she loves being with other kids and she has cousins close in age. I don't see a reason to have another so she has a sibling and company. I have a brother who I didn't get on with growing up, we speak now but I wouldn't say we were super close. I love knowing we have money to invest in hobbies etc that she wants to do, we can afford nice holidays and we can take her skiing etc. I really don't want to do it again, she is two at the moment and it's hard!

Having DS made me anxious.

We realised that keeping at one made life easier in general with both of us working (I lasted 2 years as a SAHM).

We can have time to ourselves and one on one time with DS.

My age- I would have been at least 37 if we had DC2.

For DH it was environmental reasons too.

I had such a horrendous experience in hospital having ds it left my with severe pnd & PTSD. There was no way I was putting myself back in that situation. When they came round to do the contraception talk before I went home I told them I would rather be sterilised without anaesthetic that get pregnant again.