Is stopping at one selfish?

[Ginspirational]

DH and I are both 30, we have one DD who is almost 2 and we just really don’t want another. I had horrendous PND which I overcame with therapy and medication and now we are in such a lovely place, we adore her and she becomes more amazing each day. She’s a social butterfly, has attended nursery since she was 9 months old and has lots of similar age cousins.

We always thought we would be one and done. I fell pregnant due to failed contraception late last year and had a termination and that really sealed it in our minds that we can’t ever do this again - for the sake of our marriage / my mental health etc etc.

But when we tell friends and family this it’s like we’re making the biggest mistake. I have a friend who’s an only and she tells me that she hates it and she’s lonely etc. Our DD has 3 cousins close in age and I hope they will grow to be friends as they are older.

Is it selfish to stop at one? I feel incredibly guilty at the thought of her growing older and having nobody to support her. (Though I know that there’s no promise they’d be close anyway… my brother lives half way around the world and we don’t speak).

Sorry - brain dump.

Ignore your rude friends and family. Of course it's not selfish. Don't feel pressured into having a baby you don't want. It's not fair to the child.

A really old fashioned view in my opinion. I am an only child and I've never missed what I don't have. I don't feel I have missed out on anything.

Only children don't have to be lonely. I had one daughter and she has never felt lonely. She is an adult now with lots of friends and very close to her cousins. I have friends with siblings who they never see and don't get on with.

Of course it is not selfish - not at all

It's not selfish.
It's selfish having children that you can't give enough care and attention to.

^ This

More selfish to have a second child you don’t want. None of my friends are close to their siblings.

Thanks everyone. I see friends falling pregnant and thank my lucky stars it isn’t me! I can just picture our holidays together as a 3 and all the amazing things we are going to be able to do and I’m excited. I don’t feel like anything is missing. Maybe that will change as she gets older I don’t know - I think I just have to ignore other peoples opinions. Especially my MIL who has 3 children and thinks it’s a bloody travesty 🙄

I love all my children.
But if I had my time again I'd stop at one.
You are being sensible, not selfish.

Heck no. DS is an only and has many good friends. Grew up playing a lot of team sport and has kept friends from that and school. He never once asked for a sibling. I have a brother who I see on average twice a year at family gatherings or at our parents' around Christmas.

It is so strange how people have this opinion.
Of course it is not selfish to know that you are happy and contented with one child.

Every child is different, yes there will be only children who were lonely and only children who loved being only children.
You will get kids with siblings who hated each-other and siblings who were best mates.
But they never lived the alternative so it's a mute point really.

Do what is best for you and your family. That in turn will be what's best for your child.
Having a child you don't want to try and give your child a friend for life is so ridiculous IMO.

It doesn't give your child someone to help look after and care for you (as some people waffle on about) when you are old. Also who wants their kids doing this anyway - that's selfish.

If your child is the type of kid who wants to play with someone all the time, they have friends.
My friends kids hardly play together now anyway, they have their mates around instead.

We knew having one was perfect for us, we have more time for him and only one set of after school activities to get to (winner winner) we were one and done. He is amazing, he has his mates around whenever he wants but likes the fact he had his own space, his mates come here to get away from their siblings 😆😆. (He's 7)

He has never once asked for a sibling - don't have another child unless you actually want one.
I had moments of feeling guilty, but that was not how I felt, that was other people trying to make me feel guilty as my choice was a bit different, don't let people change what you know is right.

Better to have one child in a happy home than two in a stressed one. That is why I stopped at one and I don’t believe that to be selfish.

No it's not selfish.

We have one by choice he's nearly 8 and life is good. More time, energy, money, space and enjoying how easy it is to have one school aged child who loves travelling and holidays. Grandparents also happy to have just the one child for childcare, overnight and little holidays.

Like you, I had PND, and we decided to prioritise our mental health, marriage and family life over a theoretical second child. Our son also had some developmental issues which he has now overcome which also helped make the decision to stop at one, it was a worrying time and I couldn't go through that again. Our son was also a terrible sleeper which I'm pleased to say has now resolved.

You can't ever know if sticking with one is the right choice but you make the choice that's best for your family with the information you have at the time. It was the right decision for us, no use looking back now, just take advantage of all the advantages of one!

It’s not selfish but my DH is an only child and his parents split up and now they are old and not in good health, and don’t live near to each other or us. It is hard as he has to try to split his time making sure they are ok which they aren’t and can’t split it with a sibling. He has never moaned about being an only though. My parents are also older than his so I do help but have them to help with

Yes @Marnie76 thats the kind of pressure I wouldn’t want to put on her, and her dealing with grief when we are gone. Though I hope she will have a partner/husband/wife/friend who will support her.

Hilarious that I lose sleep over this and she isn’t even 2 yet. Is it like this forever? 😂

That can happen @Marnie76 and @Ginspirational no matter how many siblings you have.
The bulk of elder care and responsibility fell to me. My brothers did nothing, not even a visit. So having siblings doesn't necessarily help.

Yeah, this. Your child will be able to have positive relationships with plenty of people, it doesn't have to be a sibling. I know lots of people who don't get on with their siblings at all, so even if you have one, it doesn't mean it'd be a positive experience!

No idea but we have only one, I don't think having babies is a hobby is what I would say if anyone had an issue

Yes @Marnie76 thats the kind of pressure I wouldn’t want to put on her, and her dealing with grief when we are gone. Though I hope she will have a partner/husband/wife/friend who will support her

Please try not to let this notion sway your decision. I
My father had 2 siblings he cares for my Nan alone.
My DM had 4 siblings she did the lions share alone.
My friend is currently living in her dads house doing end of life care, the siblings don't talk to the dad so don't help.
My other friend doesn't talk to 3 of her biological siblings.
My neighbours daughter dares for her mum alone, her siblings don't help
My other friends fell out over the inheritance once their parent died, just after her money.

Your child will have their own support network hopefully by then.

Oh and when my Dm died, it didn't make it hurt any less because I had a sibling, it was my best friend who got me through.

You are not selfish to only have one. But, to give another point of view to other pp's, as an only child I was very lonely and isolated.
As a result of my experience, I have chosen to have a larger family so as not to inflict being an only child on my own child.

No its not selfish i have one why have more when i knew i couldnt afford it.
Plus i only wanted one i had him young he`s grown up now.

I was an only child and then only had one child. I was perfectly happy and don't ever wish I had siblings, pretty sure if you asked my daughter (almost 21) she would say the same!

It is absolutely not selfish to have one child. Having children is a choice and you have chosen to have only one. How dare people question that. As your child grows up, your life with one will be ever more beautiful. Do what you want! Never feel selfish for putting your needs first.

Not selfish at all!
Thanks for sharing your story, I've never heard of anyone on Mumsnet before who is similar to me. I had DD at 32, had terrible post natal depression and it took me years to get out of. When she was 18 months old I terminated an unexpected pregnancy, it was definitely the right decision for us.
However my partner struggled with this for a while, he is from a big close family - but tbh I find them difficult 😅
DD is 6 now and we are out of the hard years and I wouldn't change anything. It is not selfish to have one child. We have great adventures. I'm a big believer in learning from the past and in knowing what is best for you. With 1 you can give them attention, money, don't have to divide care and love and also work and have some time for yourself.
I don't know why more people don't do it.
There's no guarantees with anything with siblings either. My brother is a drug addict and will be no help when my parents die. MIL is one of 8 and cared for her dying father mostly alone.
My uncle and his 3rd wife have 6 kids between them and I think only 1, if any, speak to them.

I know how hard it is fielding the questions and comments but in a few years it starts to decrease.
Enjoy your family x

of course not, it’s better to make a sensible decision that bring a kid into thr world that you don’t really want, that’s just awful.