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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

To lose my mind at this comment ...

41 replies

LolaLaLaLou · 30/10/2023 11:41

Any negative comments about childrens behaviour being responded to with 'are they an only child?'

As a bit of back story: I am an only child and off the top of my head, out of all my friends and family, I am the only one without a sibling. I hated this growing up and as a result, was always adamant I would have at least 2 children.

Unfortunately, after having DD9, a second baby wasn't on the cards for a variety of reasons. I have felt resentment at times over the years at being unable to give my daughter a sibling but acknowledge she has a much better life now than she would if she had a sibling and so I try to see the silver lining.

At a gathering with friends over the weekend, a friend was discussing a friend of her DS's who she finds particularly challenging. After describing their behavior, another friend said 'are they an only child, that would explain it'. I'm kicking myself for not saying anything and was relaying my frustration to DMIL this morning who said 'well I agree, you usually find that only children are spoilt brats'. I reminded her that I and her granddaughter are only children and she fumbled and back tracked but now the more I think about it, I have heard these comments multiple times.

Does this infuriate anyone else or am I being touchy?

I'm currently struggling with DD being an only child, approaching the festive season conscious that we see father Christmas just the 3 of us whilst her friends all have siblings with them, trick or treating just us, holidays where she sometimes struggles to make friends etc and therefore I'm aware I may be more sensitive to these comments than I normally am.

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Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 30/10/2023 12:16

This boils my blood too op.
I could only have one child and felt terribly guilty for years but it is what it is. Don't need twats telling me she is spoilt when l have soent her whole life making damn sure she isn't.

Flamingmentalcats · 30/10/2023 12:36

This annoys me too.
Call them out on it, I do

caramac04 · 30/10/2023 13:12

It’s a ridiculous generalisation

yellowlane · 30/10/2023 13:14

I only have one and she's not a spoilt brat. She's also very sociable, a good problem solver, kind, good at sharing etc. all the other things people think don't apply to only children.

Ragwort · 30/10/2023 13:18

I think (kindly) that you are being touchy about it because you would have liked another DC. I have an only DC by choice and never, ever wanted a second one and so I just shrug off those sorts of comments. I also get comments about having an only son - 'boys are so challenging', 'you'll never have a close bond' etc etc. Some people are just rude.

LadyJaneEarlGreyTea · 30/10/2023 13:23

Yep, pisses me off no end. Even DD’s reception teacher made an issue out of her being an only.

Naimee87 · 30/10/2023 13:27

Agree people should keep those kinds of comments to themselves i mean what a massive sweeping generalization that simply cannot be true. In my personal experience (and admittedly another very general sweeping statement) the youngest of three tend to be very challenging. I know a fair few families with three and honestly they all seem at their wits end with their last little darling!

almondseagull · 30/10/2023 13:29

its just in the same vein as

are they the oldest child?
are they the youngestchild?
are they the middlechild?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/10/2023 13:45

My only child is an adult now, but as a child, she was far better behaved than most of her peers. She has fabulous social skills, loads of friends and she is incredibly considerate towards others.

Just ignore the shitty comments that people make. I have seen loads of them on these boards over the years. Heard a few in real life too, but mostly only when dd was very little... they dried up pretty quickly as she got older and they were demonstrably unfounded.

Some people are twats. And some are ignorant, insensitive twats. I'm still in touch with some of the horribly smug people who told me that I was going to spoil dd dreadfully by not "giving her a sibling", who really laboured the point about how much their children learned and benefitted from having each other and how much dd would miss out. (They didn't bother to find out that we weren't having another due to secondary infertility rather than choice... not that it would have mattered either way.) Funnily enough, they piped down about their superior family set-up as the kids grew older, as it became increasingly obvious that dd was thriving and their kids were not.

There are plenty of happy family set-ups, some with single children and others with multiple children. There are so many other variables that feed into how your children grow up. Just ignore the twats and focus on your own lovely family... the uninformed opinions of insensitive twats really aren't important.

PurpleChrayne · 30/10/2023 13:48

It's a stereotype but it's not without basis. I'm an only, as are several of my friends, and we all conform to it.

Just accept it and get on with your life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2023 13:53

almondseagull · 30/10/2023 13:29

its just in the same vein as

are they the oldest child?
are they the youngestchild?
are they the middlechild?

It's not the same when you add, "they're all spoilt brats".

threecupsofteaminimum · 30/10/2023 13:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/10/2023 14:06

PurpleChrayne · 30/10/2023 13:48

It's a stereotype but it's not without basis. I'm an only, as are several of my friends, and we all conform to it.

Just accept it and get on with your life.

If you conform to the negative stereotypes, then that's on you really. It's just an excuse to say that it's because you're an only child.

My dd definitely doesn't conform to the stereotypes but nor do any of the other only children that we know.

almondseagull · 30/10/2023 14:18

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2023 13:53

It's not the same when you add, "they're all spoilt brats".

Show quote history

I know its not exactly the same but I get

"oh they're sensible and boring, because they are the oldest child"
"oh they're moody, because they are the middle child"
"oh they're silly and immature , because they are the youngest child"

people will say all sorts of shit

Calmdown14 · 30/10/2023 14:23

I think it does depend on what type of behaviour the comment was in regard to.

Lying on the floor having a strop, being rude, being rough with toys in no way have anything to do with being an only.

Getting very annoyed/frustrated at another child interfering with your beautifully set up dolls house or wanting your mum to join in the board game too rather than just getting on with it, being an only probably does play a role.

INeedNewShoes · 30/10/2023 14:24

When I said how nicely my friend's DD and my DD were playing together my friend said 'well yes, Esmerelda is used to dealing with only children' as though it's some special skill being able to navigate playing with an only child.

I pity everyone who thinks only children are problematic as there will be more and more of them as increasingly, parents are stopping at 1 due to costs or due to leaving it until their late 30s/40s to start a family and struggling to conceive a 2nd.

My DD's behaviour is very good to the extent it is frequently commented on by strangers. She's a million miles from being spoiled. She's a bit shy but I know plenty of kids with siblings who are too!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/10/2023 14:26

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I'm so sorry for your losses. It is particularly hard to deal with twattish comments in that kind of situation.

I miscarried dd's only sibling, and wasn't able to conceive another child. I wish now that I had been brave enough to share that with the idiots who saw fit to lecture me on the perils of not giving my child a sibling (as if it's even reasonable to talk about creative another human life as a "gift" for someone!Hmm)

It was very painful during those early years when I was still coming to terms with not having the family that I had originally imagined, and the multitude of shitty comments made it so much worse. I no longer feel that way now though. Quite the contrary, actually - if I knew then what I know now, I would probably have only planned to have one dc in the first place!

LoreleiG · 30/10/2023 14:28

I can’t stand any sweeping generalisations people make about children. It’s often meanness dressed up as concern. As pps said, some people are just twats.

Original poster
LolaLaLaLou · 30/10/2023 15:02

Thank you everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone in dealing with idiotic comments with no foundations in the slightest.

I think next time, I'll try to settle between snapping and acting naive and asking 'what on earth makes you think that? '

OP posts:
KeepSmiling89 · 30/10/2023 15:05

Ridiculous generalisation. 3 of my cousins are only children and are 3 of the most generous people ever - never heard any stories of them being spoilt or anything either.

whereisthecheese · 30/10/2023 15:06

I think it's really odd, I've said before half our school year are only children. You can't tell the difference. Some are quiet, some are loud, some are rude, some are kind, some share (actually mostly the only children here) some don't. There is literally no difference between the children with siblings and those without

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/10/2023 16:07

Calmdown14 · 30/10/2023 14:23

I think it does depend on what type of behaviour the comment was in regard to.

Lying on the floor having a strop, being rude, being rough with toys in no way have anything to do with being an only.

Getting very annoyed/frustrated at another child interfering with your beautifully set up dolls house or wanting your mum to join in the board game too rather than just getting on with it, being an only probably does play a role.

The last paragraph describes my brother perfectly. Note: brother!

Screamingabdabz · 30/10/2023 16:15

I know lots of lovely only children with parents who raised them to be personable and grounded. But I also know a few onlys who fit the stereotype with bells on - they’ve been pandered to all their lives and have over-invested parents so it’s no wonder they’ve turned out precious and entitled.

There are generalisations with all sorts of family hierarchies as pp have mentioned. Of course, they’re not tablets of truth, but they’re not within foundation either.

ThirstyMeeples · 30/10/2023 16:23

Hi OP, I'm an only child and have heard these comments countless times. I have always just brushed them off as if they didn't apply to me as I never felt they did. I definitely have some 'only child' traits eg I like my stuff to be kept nicely and I don't lose things but I suspect I would have been like this anyway. I've easily gained as much from being an only child as I've missed.
There are positives and negatives to all combinations and nothing is superior to the other.
Try not to let it get to you. People will always say any old thing just for the sake of it. I get lots of comments about having only boys myself but I just let it wash over me x