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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

I want DD to have a sibling but I don’t want to have another baby

30 replies

LethalToddlerElbows · 01/10/2023 08:43

Anyone else feel like this?

I know my DD would make the most lovely big sister. She is so kind and gentle (most of the time!) and loves babies and other children. I feel said at the thought of her not having anyone to play with at home and on holidays, days out etc. I had such a lovely relationship with my sister growing up.

BUT I just don’t want to have another baby. I had an awful pregnancy and PND, it took me until she was almost 1 to be able to enjoy her. I’m sure my body just hates being pregnant as I just had the most awful darkest thoughts and struggled so much. I feel like I would be letting DD down to do it all again as what if my mental health stopped me from being a good enough mum to her. I need to put her first. I also just generally don’t like the thought of doing it all again.

Does anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 01/10/2023 08:45

no experience as currently trying for no 1, but you as her mum do need to take priority. It’s more important she has a mum who is well and can give her the best possible care, than a hypothetical sibling

Devilsmommy · 01/10/2023 08:49

I've also got 1 and am definitely not having another. Yes it would have been nice for lo to have a sibling but who's to say they would even like eachother as they grow up? If you really feel that your mental health would suffer so bad, then I'd say you were doing the right thing not having another. Enjoy the one you've got. She's not the only child out there without a sibling

JJJSchmidt · 01/10/2023 09:19

How old is your dd? I felt similarly to you, but when she turned 4 I felt much more able that she would be okay if I couldn't focus 100%on her due to the potential for poor mental health/rough pregnancy etc. Obviously her dad would step in, I wouldn't just leave her to fend for herself! So we have a biggish age gap, (5y 3m) and was all fine. Not saying you should go for it but just wanted to share.mt story

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 01/10/2023 09:23

You’re basing it on the lovely relationship you had with your sister. There is no guarantee that your children will get along. DH and his brother don’t. If you have a second child, have one because you want one, not the hypothetical relationship your children might have.

PermanentTemporary · 01/10/2023 09:26

I had one and he was a delight, but my husband was so ill when he was little due to the disrupted sleep. If we'd had another I would have had to do all the night waking plus a few years later all the earning. Ds would have been a wonderful brother but as a family we chose to stop at one for all our sakes. I had a few years of really a lot of pain at that decision and I still can't help hoping he will marry into a big family, but it's really OK and I think he is happy. It's OK to take a decision in the round.

PeggyPiglet · 01/10/2023 09:29

I feel exactly the same. The guilt is awful. Everyone I talk to tells me that it's absolutely fine to just have one, but I can't help feeling sad for her.
Imagining her with a little sister, helping me out etc, puts tears in my eyes.
Then I think of being pregnant again, the baby stage. I held my new baby nephew yesterday and although it was lovely, was glad to give him back!

I think back to my childhood and I had two older brothers who picked on me. Hardly spent any time with them to be honest, and still don't now. I think I'd have been happy being an only child.
I spent my childhood with my friends, not my siblings!

Rocknrollstar · 01/10/2023 09:32

I know several ‘only’ children and they are all happy and well adjusted. I also know several people who have no contact with one or all of their siblings including my DH. Give your DD a happy home and make sure she is able to invite friends round. Be prepared to take friends out with you and even on holiday when she is older. She will be fine. BTW, just because she likes other people’s babies, it doesn’t mean she will like having one in the house.

Lovelyautumncolours · 01/10/2023 09:34

I had a horrendous birth with my first followed by PTSD and PND and not picked up by any health visitor I just got through it. I found the first year very tough and whilst I wanted another I just couldn't face going through that again. Fast forward another 18mths and I got pregnant. The birth was so different I have an elective caesarian. I knew what to expect for the birth and recovery and mentally I was in a much better place.

Whilst it's not easy with 2 small children I found it easier the second time around as you're not as self-focussed in pregnancy or fussing around the baby as you're busy with #1. Mine are older now and I know I would have regretted not having a second. I would say if you do go for #2 ask for help and support with your mental health during pregnancy and afterwards if you need it - it is out there but I found they won't come to you, you need to go and ask for it.

fr4zzledmum · 01/10/2023 09:37

Not much to add, other than I had to check I hadn't written this myself 😂

My DD is 5 in Jan and it's taken to now for me to want to TTC for DC2 (which we started this month). It's only in the last 6 months I've opened up to my DH about the extent of my struggles with DD (suicidal thoughts), in what was definitely undiagnosed PND for ages 6m-18m. I definitely think year one was just survival mode.

Absolutely terrified of how I'll cope with DC2 but my DH has been really good with listening to my concerns.

All I can say is, just make a pledge to be super open and honest with everyone.

redguitar123 · 01/10/2023 10:58

How old is she?

minipie · 01/10/2023 11:07

I agree don’t have a second child to give your DD a sibling, many siblings don’t get on.

However, if you do want a second child - just dread the baby stage - I would encourage you to grit your teeth and get on with it.

I was like you, had a difficult pregnancy and a hellish baby stage, took a long time to enjoy motherhood and swore I’d never had another. But deep down I wanted a second one and I knew if we waited too long it would be even harder to go back to the baby phase.

Luckily DC2 was much easier, partly inherent and partly I knew more and didn’t stress so much. The early years were hard hard work (neither of mine slept well) but nothing like that first hellish baby phase. And really it is a short period compared to the years of having an older child.

TL:DR - if you want a second child, don’t let the baby phase put you off. But do it because you want to, not to provide a sibling.

felisha54 · 01/10/2023 11:19

How old if your dd? Has she expressed a desire for a sibling?

I get the sense that you're projecting a little about your relationship with your sister. What if you had a second and it was a boy?

I have one dd and apart from when they mentioned a sibling when they were 4, she's never spoke of it again. She is very happy being an only and all that that brings. She does have lots of friends and same sex/age cousins so she's never lonely.

GG1986 · 01/10/2023 11:34

Yes, I felt this way! My 2 have a nearly 7 year age gap because of it. But i knew I would regret it if I got to an age where I couldn't physically have anymore. It really is the best decision I made! I had PND/anxiety/OCD with first, this time I have been fine thankfully. It is a big decision, so maybe have a good chat with OH.

Iheartpizza · 01/10/2023 13:07

You sound exactly like me. I had the most horrendous guilt for 3-4 years and mine would have been a wonderful brother, but, it just wasn't the right thing for US.

He's now 9 and rarely mentions it any more. He has lots of friends (also only children) and several cousins.

I know we made the right decision. We just didn't want to do it all again!

pitterypattery00 · 01/10/2023 13:20

Yep, can totally relate. I have son aged 3. Many in my antenatal group have now had a second. The idea of a 2 child family sounds lovely but I am very aware that I am looking at the idea through rose tinted lenses. In reality I struggled massively with the sleep deprivation (as did my partner). And while that doesn't last forever, the every day drudgery of child related tasks, limitations on freedom, financial impact etc last much longer. For me, the balance of time with my child to my own time is ok with one child. I think having a second child would affect my mental health badly (and I say that as someone who has never had any mental health issues). But we have zero family support (live hundreds of miles from family). If I had parents helping me every weekend (as some people I know have) then I may feel different.

Original poster
LethalToddlerElbows · 01/10/2023 18:49

Thank you for the replies and for sharing! I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

DD just turned 2 in August so I’m kind thinking the clock is starting to tick on it. She has never mentioned it, she’s still a bit little to understand the concept so it is fair to say I’m projecting a bit!

It’s also a very fair point about siblings now always getting on - in fact in my wider family there are rather a lot of sibling tension at best and total estrangement at worst 😂

DH would quite like another but it’s not a dealbreaker for him - he’s happy how we are like I am.

I guess also the crux of it is that for the first time in years my mental health is in a good place, I’m really happy. I’m eating well, sleeping well (finally!), have a decent work life balance, we are managing financially, our marriage is good and I’m enjoying being a mum, which I felt like I never would (sounds awful I know). I just think, why change a good thing?

But then I see siblings playing happily together when we are out and about and she’s by herself and it makes me wonder if will struggle in future.

Sorry for the ramble, just finding it hard!

OP posts:
Original poster
LethalToddlerElbows · 01/10/2023 18:51

Wow that was extremely cathartic to write it all out!

OP posts:
minipie · 01/10/2023 18:59

It doesn’t sound like you want another apart from the sibling aspect. So on that basis I would say don’t. It’s definitely harder work - the time they spend playing together nicely is far outweighed by the extra admin, noise, mess, activities, and squabbling!

Lemonpledge · 01/10/2023 19:02

I felt this way. Couldn't subject my lovely, happy, content DD to me, pregnant then responsible for a baby. I would not be the lovely mum I want to be to her if I had to do a second baby too! So stuck with one. Good decision for us.

pitterypattery00 · 01/10/2023 19:29

@Lemonpledge yes that's what I felt - that I am a much much better parent to one than I would ever be to two (and the same is true for my partner).

I think parents need to want a second child because they want a second child - not because they want a playmate for their first born. My own sibling has caused a lot of stress in my life, so I don't automatically see having a sibling as a good thing. My parents both had several siblings but this didn't translate to them sharing the burden of caring for elderly relatives (a reason often given on MN for having more than one child). And of those I know with more than one child currently, in a couple of cases they get on well but I know several families where the siblings fight and can't be left alone together leading to a lot of stress.

But despite all that I do feel a bit guilty that I don't want a second child - when others announce second pregnancies I am jealous that they want a second child rather than being jealous of the fact they are having one if that makes sense.

Original poster
LethalToddlerElbows · 01/10/2023 20:22

@pitterypattery00 I actually hadn't been able to put my finger on the sort of envious feeling when others announce they are having number 2, but you have completely hit the nail on the head! That's how I feel too. Because I don't want it for me, I want it for DD so I want to want it. Crazy brain.

OP posts:
pitterypattery00 · 01/10/2023 23:20

@LethalToddlerElbows It's only in the last few weeks that I've realised that's what's causing this 'feeling' I get - a close friend announced her second pregnancy and sure enough there was that feeling again. I think the idea of the 'normal/typical' family of two parents, two children is still pervasive and in my subconscious but I know it's not for me. That's not the life I want for myself but it can be hard when you see how happy others are with their larger families even though I'd hate it. Crazy brain as you say!

ftp · 02/04/2024 23:56

Sounds like you have a wider family, so just keep up with cousins. My 2 are not close at all, but I speak to all of my cousins regularly even though we are all over the place. Because we are widespread in ages from 80 to 35, we are not all close to everyone, but quite close to the ones in age. Sharing birthdays and events and if you are nearby, playdates, she will get the best of both worlds - her own space AND sharing

PTSDBarbiegirl · 03/04/2024 00:00

Would your DD enjoy a kitten or pet that is suitable for your lifestyle. You're right to listen to your instincts.

Singleandproud · 03/04/2024 00:15

When DD was small the thought of having a second was hugely appealing although I've been a single parent all along so was never an option, plus I had terrible HG and not sure I would put myself through that again. She used to ask for a sibling upto the age of 6, I think mostly because her friends were all getting siblings. The feeling of me being broody and wanting another and DD stopped asking for a sibling at about the same time, this coincided with us getting a cat whether that was a coincidence or not. It was also around about the same time that our life became more about shared interests and her developing independence opposed to being fully centred around her.

I am a great mum to one, DD is in her teens and we get along brilliantly, we regularly go to the theatre and out to eat at restaurants. I would not be a great mum to two, having to juggle their likes and dislikes, squabbles etc would all try my patience and I wouldn't be the calm parent I am am not to mention the finances required, there is no way I could provide two children with the experiences I can provide DD.