Those with older only children...

seashoreone · 2023-04-29T05:32:02+00:00

Asking advice and guidance from parents who have older only children. My DD is now 4 and I think we have come to the decision we won't be able to have another... I'm often worried that she will be bored and will really want a sibling.... But it's not going to happen. What advice do you have for making sure she doesn't miss out or what it's like down the line at say 8,9...10 What can I do to help her and give all the benefits that come with being an only... Thank you

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BeatriceBatchelor · 29/04/2023 06:40

My advice is not to give it another thought! Just raise your dd as your child and not as though she's an oddity.

My DD is 18 now - she's good at making friends but very content in her own company.

She's not missed out on anything but neither has she been over-indulged.

Honestly, just enjoy being - what Martin Clunes described as - a happy gang of three.

bert3400 · 29/04/2023 06:43

I'm an only and loved my childhood. I was very confident and out going as a child and as an adult this has only increased. Honestly don't overthink it. She won't miss what she never had .

Pecorygreg · 29/04/2023 07:01

Things like brownies/scouts can help, going away camping and playing games as a group. Trying to link up with other families for weekends away. Doing a regular activity with a friend. I'm one of three and I'd say my DC's childhood was better than mine. Try and have fun would be my advice too.

polkadotclip · 29/04/2023 07:01

BeatriceBatchelor · 29/04/2023 06:40

My advice is not to give it another thought! Just raise your dd as your child and not as though she's an oddity.

My DD is 18 now - she's good at making friends but very content in her own company.

She's not missed out on anything but neither has she been over-indulged.

Honestly, just enjoy being - what Martin Clunes described as - a happy gang of three.

This is great advice OP!

DD (10) is an only, and so content in her own company, reading, doing projects of her own, spreading her stuff all over the house...

We've put effort into nurturing her interests and she has several close friends from activities outside of school.

We made some really good new friends ourselves from among her friends' parents, and she loves to visit them and be part of sibling madness for a day, then retreat to calm.

She is a very happy well-adjusted child. We do ensure in the holidays that she has children to play with regularly, but she also like time with just us.

WandaWonder · 29/04/2023 07:13

Our only child is in year 10, we just parent our child what I think is a normal way and just get on with it

Is having an only meant to mean something different?

Mamaneedsadrink · 29/04/2023 07:17

I think the sibling thing is really only a bonus when they're very young in terms of playing together, unless on the rare occasion they are quite close because as they get older they don't play together anyway and many adult siblings don't even like each other. It sounds like you don't have a choice anyway, so don't worry about it. You'll have more time and resources to put towards your DC

Original poster

seashoreone · 29/04/2023 08:32

Thank you so much for all your replies ...they are all so positive and that is what I take from this...
I think I'm asking on this thread because someone said to me, "why aren't you having another? That's just ridiculous! They need a friend" I must admit I cried.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 29/04/2023 08:34

I am an only child, so I don’t know any different. I’m fine about it.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 29/04/2023 08:43

I know a teenage “extreme only child” - only child, grandchild and great grandchild in the family. Aunt and uncle desperately wanted but couldn’t have kids. As a result she has 7 adults who have made her the centre of their world.

You would expect her to be spoilt rotten but she is actually one of the nicest girls I have ever met. She is very sporty and has been able to fulfil her potential as the family is able to share the load of training / competitions / travelling. (We have a child doing similar but there are two adults and two kids and it is slowly killing us!)

Thisbastardcomputer · 29/04/2023 08:46

I have an only not through choice but secondary infertility. He had plenty of friends who were welcomed at our house.

ChocChipHandbag · 29/04/2023 08:46

seashoreone · 29/04/2023 08:32

Thank you so much for all your replies ...they are all so positive and that is what I take from this...
I think I'm asking on this thread because someone said to me, "why aren't you having another? That's just ridiculous! They need a friend" I must admit I cried.

Well that is a fucking stupid thing to say. Did you point out that friends are widely available?

Qilin · 29/04/2023 08:46

The only child is now 21y.
She is confident, secure, caring, happy and engaging.

She went through the odd phase of wanting a sibling, but then so do children who have siblings ime as well as not wanting siblings. But it was only ever fleeting.

Growing up she always had lots of friends and we enabled these through play dates, etc and being willing to host them and sleepovers, driving her places as many friends weren’t walkable local ones and encouraging her to join groups if she wanted to. She was also happy in her own company and was self sufficient in keeping herself occupied at times.

She is now 21 and finishing university. She has lots of friends and is an independent social young woman. She’s just finished work placements where she was well liked and respected, finishing with a glowing report. She’s about the jet off for a summer adventure meeting, living with and working with new people she is yet to meet.

We (as does she) feel that not having a sibling hasn’t held her back at all and she enjoyed her childhood without being lonely.

We are wise enough to know that even if she’d had a sibling there was no guarantee they’d have played together or been great friends, and there was no guarantee they’d have been supportive siblings as adults. Bith dh and I are lucky enough to have supportive siblings but know of plenty of situations where this isn’t the case too.

There is never a right or wrong answer with siblings. Some only children love it, some don’t. Some children with siblings love it, some don’t. You can never judge which experience you will get.

So just enjoy what you have.

Gabby10 · 29/04/2023 08:51

I'm an only and loved my childhood. I had a good set of friends but also loved my own time. I'm like that now really 😂. My DD is and will be an only, I was worried how she would be with other kids but she's at nursery and brilliant. For me personally I couldn't imagine having to share my DM with a sibling and we have an amazing relationship. I begged for a sister when I was around 5, my parents got me a puppy 😂 I never felt lonely as a child and could always entertain myself if my friends weren't around. Just bring your DD up how you want, if she doesn't want to do loads or groups then don't do them it's expensive and if she'd prefer to be home with you pottering about in the garden or something then let her. It seems being an only has a stigma attached to it but I don't think I've ever met a person and thought wow you're an only child in a bad way if that make sense x

Doremisofarsogood · 29/04/2023 08:54

My DD is practically an only (much older step sibling who we see every few months). She's sociable and well liked and we always have friends over or she goes over to friends. She's happy in her own company and we also really enjoy each other's company too. It really isn't an issue! Other people seem to want to make it into one though, but just ignore them!

Thelondonone · 29/04/2023 08:58

I’m an only. My mum had an open house so friends were always welcome and as I got older we took a friend on holidays and days out-that was the only time it was ever an issue. My husband had a brother with an age gap and his parents did the same. I liked being an only. I have friends.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 29/04/2023 08:58

seashoreone · 29/04/2023 08:32

Thank you so much for all your replies ...they are all so positive and that is what I take from this...
I think I'm asking on this thread because someone said to me, "why aren't you having another? That's just ridiculous! They need a friend" I must admit I cried.

Agree a ridiculous thing to say to you op, I'd have been upset too

I think some people looking at you, BIL and SIL see only having one as an oddity and somehow their bigger family somehow makes their choice and therefore their parenting, more superior. I'm only talking from my experience here obvs

But yes another happy (most of the time ) gang of three here

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 29/04/2023 09:10

No they won't be bored. My dd has a great social life and we are very close. She's got hobbies and sometimes actually chooses to stay in on her own as she's been so busy.

I have a sibling and we hated each other, I don't think we spoke a civil word to each other until we were in our 20s. I know it made our parents life hell too as anything family, holidays, days out were them refereeing us.

Aslanplustwo · 29/04/2023 09:19

I'm an only and had a very happy childhood. I don't remember ever wishing I had a sibling. My exH has one sibling and they don't speak to each other unless absolutely necessary, and never were close.

Skybluepinky · 29/04/2023 09:37

It’s only an issue if u over indulge them, and ferry them for one activity to the next to ensure they rnt missing out, as this isn’t wot happens in real life.
lots of people r happy with being only children, and lots with siblings wish they hadn’t.

WandaWonder · 29/04/2023 09:42

seashoreone · 29/04/2023 08:32

Thank you so much for all your replies ...they are all so positive and that is what I take from this...
I think I'm asking on this thread because someone said to me, "why aren't you having another? That's just ridiculous! They need a friend" I must admit I cried.

Having one works for us so I really don't care what others think, I would have probably said 'having children is not a hobby' to that

herbaceous · 29/04/2023 09:49

eople are such twats sometimes. Whatever they have chosen to do is the 'right' way, and has to be defended, often by questioning anyone who hasn't chosen that option.

I have an only 13yo DS and mums of multiple children used to 'head tilt' at me in the playground and say crap about me being selfish and him being lonely. I did sometimes rejoin with my stories of multiple miscarriages etc, which shut then up.

DS is sociable, friendly, has a brilliant life and we get in as our gang of three beautifully. He's particularly charming to adults, which is an asset in life!

GiltEdges · 29/04/2023 09:55

BeatriceBatchelor · 29/04/2023 06:40

My advice is not to give it another thought! Just raise your dd as your child and not as though she's an oddity.

My DD is 18 now - she's good at making friends but very content in her own company.

She's not missed out on anything but neither has she been over-indulged.

Honestly, just enjoy being - what Martin Clunes described as - a happy gang of three.

This, 100%.

I'm an only and loved my childhood. I had lots of friends so didn't miss out in that respect, but also benefited from the undivided attention of my parents.

pharmachameleon · 29/04/2023 10:15

We have a DS age 12. I don't think he's ever said he's bored-if he did I would just counter it by saying 'only boring people get bored!' Plus I was one of three growing up and I remember feeling bored A LOT so siblings don't cancel out boredom. We made a conscious decision to have a relaxed, open house with our DS's friends. He has friends to the house after school and at weekends or for sleepovers however he also likes some chill time on his own (as do I) and that's fine too.
Try not to focus or project too much on the fact you are raising an only child.
People have asked me so many times why I'm not having another and some have inferred it's selfish-you need to develop a think skin as some people are dicks! No one asks me now my DS is 12 and I'm 49 thank goodness.

pharmachameleon · 29/04/2023 10:17

Also I think bring an only has been good for my DS's confidence. He is used to making friends on holiday whereas I hid behind my younger, braver sister whenever we went away.

leopardspice · 29/04/2023 10:20

I have 1 dc who is 7 she has lots of friends and goes to clubs eg gymnastic swimming golf! She has a close friend at her Nanas house who she plays with most days after school

Out of our friendship group of 5 other sets of parents- only 2 have more tha. 1 child so onlies in my group are common and are aged between 3 and 11.

We get together alot with our friends and the children are close

We're social people and I never see my sibling they live in another country my friends are the ones I would turn to most anyway!