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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Those with older only children...

39 replies

seashoreone · 29/04/2023 06:32

Asking advice and guidance from parents who have older only children.
My DD is now 4 and I think we have come to the decision we won't be able to have another...

I'm often worried that she will be bored and will really want a sibling....

But it's not going to happen.

What advice do you have for making sure she doesn't miss out or what it's like down the line at say 8,9...10
What can I do to help her and give all the benefits that come with being an only...

Thank you

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Bbq1 · 29/04/2023 10:33

seashoreone · 29/04/2023 06:32

Asking advice and guidance from parents who have older only children.
My DD is now 4 and I think we have come to the decision we won't be able to have another...

I'm often worried that she will be bored and will really want a sibling....

But it's not going to happen.

What advice do you have for making sure she doesn't miss out or what it's like down the line at say 8,9...10
What can I do to help her and give all the benefits that come with being an only...

Thank you

Our ds is 17. He's an only through circumstance but he's everything we ever wanted and was very much longed for. We never desperately wanted more than one. Never considered him in terms of whether he had siblings or not. He's very well adjusted, confident and outgoing, very sociable. He's always been able to make friends easily and growing up was always comfortable talking to adults. He's happy with friends or his own company. He's had so many opportunities that we just couldn't have afforded to have given 2 children. That's how he found his talent. We are very close he will go to the theatre etc with me occasionally and he and his dad happened to enjoy the same music so go to gigs together. I think a big benefit of being an only is thst you are likely to be closer. I love Martin Clunes comment, "A happy band of three". I'd say that sums us up.

LadyMargaretDevereux · 29/04/2023 10:39

I'm an only and I had a lovely stressfree childhood, loads of friends, enjoyed my own company as well. Still like that! I know plenty of people who don't get on with their siblings at all and never have done so the idea that you're bored without a sibling 'friend' is nonsense imho. A happy band of 3 can be wonderful.

Fushia123 · 29/04/2023 10:49

Our DD is 21 now - I could have written Qilen’s post!
I use the term LIMITED EDITION rather than ‘only one.’ It sounds much more positive!
I would have loved to have more but it wasn’t to be and I remain thankful for one.

Cuwins · 29/04/2023 11:06

Mumoftwoinprimary · 29/04/2023 08:43

I know a teenage “extreme only child” - only child, grandchild and great grandchild in the family. Aunt and uncle desperately wanted but couldn’t have kids. As a result she has 7 adults who have made her the centre of their world.

You would expect her to be spoilt rotten but she is actually one of the nicest girls I have ever met. She is very sporty and has been able to fulfil her potential as the family is able to share the load of training / competitions / travelling. (We have a child doing similar but there are two adults and two kids and it is slowly killing us!)

This is reassuring to hear. I worry because my DD (14m) is going to be an only- through choice, she is also an only grandchild on both sides, both sets live close and very involved. My sister is very unlikely to have children and is also living close by and dotes on DD.
I do worry about her getting spoiled so good to hear it's not inevitable

Original poster

seashoreone · 30/04/2023 07:33

A happy band of three sounds pretty great 😊

Thank you for all your lovely replies.

I feel stronger and happier that my DD will grow up having a great childhood and not feeling like she really needed a sibling.

I have enrolled her in a gymnastics class this week as she expressed she really wants to start...
It's small groups of 4/5 year olds so that can have more individual teaching etc.
It's a little more expensive than I would spend but I can easily afford it as I have one...

OP posts:

Isthisexpected · 30/04/2023 07:38

Being an only can be very difficult when you lose your parents because no one else will share anything like the relationship you had with them. That said, it's only relevant if you and your siblings are close, which judging by the self selecting sample of Mumsnet isn't common at all. But hopefully your child will have good support around them when that time comes even though not from a sibling.

Singleandproud · 30/04/2023 07:41

DDs a teen now, I always made sure I enrolled her in summer programs at her extra curricular activities etc even though I didn't need childcare so she kept up the social side of things but she never seemed fussed about not seeing other children.

Turns out she's autistic and the reason she was able to cope so well (until she started Secondary school) was because she was an only, with the natural routine that happens when you've only got one child to contend with, no spontaneous sibling things to contend with and plenty of 1:1.

I did find that having animals made a difference to her, we have cats but a dog would be perfect if you had the right lifestyle and finances to look after it properly.

Singleandproud · 30/04/2023 07:44

Oh yes extra curricular and holidays, DD has had so many more experiences than I could afford had I had other children. We are on a long weekend break in London at the moment and frequently go to the cinema and theatre which for her friends with several siblings is a very rare treat.

DarkForces · 30/04/2023 07:53

Dd is 11 and currently off staying with a friend. She really loves being an only and would prefer a puppy than a sibling!

From my point of view, she's busy with hobbies and takes part in two competitive sports so that eats time and money. She can also video call friends and if she's home she's usually chatting to someone.

She's very secure and confident in our love and able to spend time with adults too. I get a lot of spontaneous compliments on her behaviour when she's had to come to things with me. She really is a great person and will hopefully always have loads of friends of all ages. All I can do is try to support her in this as I am now infertile (although I could probably have had another a decade ago).

My best advice is parent like you had 3. Use the time and energy you would have expended on siblings on developing yourself so they become independent and know you aren't reliant on them for your happiness.

Having an only is great if you embrace it. Don't waste time on guilt. If you start to go down the rabbit hole, focus on your child and play a game or bake a cake. It's much more productive than thinking about what ifs!

Original poster

seashoreone · 30/04/2023 12:27

@DarkForces thank you.
Some very wise words and thoughts on your post.
Much appreciated.
The majority of these lists have been very positive.
Thank you

OP posts:

BeatriceBatchelor · 04/05/2023 07:14

Being an only can be very difficult when you lose your parents because no one else will share anything like the relationship you had with them

I hate how this gets dragged up on MN threads - I call it lonely-only-bingo.

I'm one of 5 and we lost our parents quite early. Each of us had very different relationships with each of our parents so there was no shared experience and we all grieved differently.

Losing a parent is part of the circle of life and hopefully the love and happy memories of being a happy gang of 3 will give our children the strength to continue to lead fulfilling lives when we are no longer here.

BeatriceBatchelor · 04/05/2023 07:20

Glad this thread has helped, OP. I wouldn't focus on the financial aspects of having an only. DD does a very expensive team sport and many of her siblings have one sibling or more.

It's like I said in my first post - just raise your child as your child - you've got a 4 year old daughter to enjoy - you lucky thing 😊

pharmachameleon · 04/05/2023 18:40

@BeatriceBatchelor I agree with you re the posters that comment on siblings at the time of a parent's death. I think they feel when a parent dies and you don't have siblings to help or share memories with that these feelings trump every other possible bonus of being or having an only child. I am one of three and NC with my sister so no shared memories there. There's 8 years between me and my DB and I don't think we've ever spoken about our childhood as there's such a big age gap that we both had really different childhoods.

BeatriceBatchelor · 04/05/2023 20:39

DD does a very expensive team sport and many of her siblings have one sibling or more

I meant many of her teammates have siblings!

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