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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Do you regret just having 1?

104 replies

qwertyuiopasfghjklzxcvbnenk · 08/02/2023 21:22

I'm mum to DD 2 next month. I'm 37 and didn't have the best experience being pregnant so my husband and I have just agreed on the 1 child. I don't feel like I've got it in me to do it again but a few people have commented on how I'll regret it if I don't have another.
Just wondering if anyone has 1 and regrets not having another?
I'm happy with our decision. We have a really good balance of work/ life/ friends/ family. My husband is great with DD and goes above and beyond for us.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RedToothBrush · 08/02/2023 22:34

qwertyuiopasfghjklzxcvbnenk · 08/02/2023 21:24

Just feeling guilty after a few people have said she'll be lonely!

Newsflash. They are jealous dicks.

Several of the families I know who only have one kid are especially close.

They also are able to maintain a better standard of living with more opportunities as a result.

People who have more than 1 kid, understand the issue with this.

I have a sibling. I've not spoken to them since before we were married. Does that mean I'm somehow more close? Fuck knows.

notea · 08/02/2023 22:42

We have one, by choice.

I've never understood why people suggest adoption to those who've chosen to have one child - I remember chatting to a friend, saying that I don't think I'm particularly good at being a mother, and that I'd found the first two years especially tough. She suggested adoption, perhaps as a way of avoiding the baby stage, but if I struggle with one, healthy, non-traumatised/abused child, how much more would I struggle with two, where one is likely to have already experienced trauma, loss, and quite possibly neglect or abuse. Adopting a sibling would almost certainly make DD's life tougher in lots of ways; we're not going to try it.....

Emmamoo89 · 08/02/2023 22:45

I can understand why people stop at 1. But definitely will be having another and stopping at 2.

BreviloquentBastard · 08/02/2023 22:46

chopc · 08/02/2023 21:27

I am so grateful I have siblings and my kids have siblings. However you have had a horrendous experience which you don't want to repeat. Have your thought of adopting so that your child won't grow up alone?

I don't know any only children who don't wish they had a sibling and I know quite a lot of only children

Oh do shut up dear.

I'm an only and love it. My daughter is 15 and an only and loves it. Every only I know is happy that way. We certainly didn't "grow up alone" as your faux concern comment implies.

Funnily enough I know a lot of people with siblings who absolutely hate them and have constant family dramas and falling out. Isn't it funny how everyone's life experiences are different?

bookworm14 · 08/02/2023 22:48

Isn't it funny how everyone's life experiences are different?

It’s amazing how many people on Mumsnet are completely unable to grasp this fact.

chopc · 08/02/2023 23:07

@Zipadeebooyah I must know exceptions then. I was offering OP opinions from people I know. My friend who adopted after her last egg didn't take for IVF is Spanish but adopted a baby from Ethiopia as she is from a large close family and she didn't want her child to be an only child.

So actually I do know how hard the adoption process is and I also know if OP was truly happy with their decision, she wouldn't come on mumsnet asking for strangers opinions

chopc · 08/02/2023 23:09

To everyone who are saying my reply to OP is not helpful - it's not meant to be. It's an opinion from someone who knows at least 7 only children in my close circle

Madeintowerhamlets · 08/02/2023 23:25

No regrets here OP but I did agonise over the situation for a few years. The decision was largely taken out of my hands due to serious health issues but it’s taken a while for me to make my peace with it. DD is now 5 & I feel very content. I know happy only children & I know happy children with siblings. I have read a lot of posts on here about having one child & the best comment I read was that there are pros & cons to all family set ups. Also there is no perfect family size or set up.

MissWings · 09/02/2023 07:40

@BreviloquentBastard

Loves it because you never know what you’re missing and it’s not fun coping with elderly parents alone. It’s fine though…. Extra piano lessons.

bookworm14 · 09/02/2023 08:12

So what is the solution then? That people have additional children they don’t want and/or are unable to cope with so they don’t have to deal with elderly parents by themselves?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/02/2023 08:28

bookworm14 · 09/02/2023 08:12

So what is the solution then? That people have additional children they don’t want and/or are unable to cope with so they don’t have to deal with elderly parents by themselves?

And, in many families, caring for elderly parents falls to one child anyway. I'm one of 4, but 2 of my sibs live abroad, and the other was unable to help with my parents for (good) personal reasons.

Kitcaterpillar · 09/02/2023 08:37

This comes up a lot. There's no one correct way - whatever you do will be fine.

People can come back and forth with their life experiences. My dad is one of 3, he did all the end of care life for his mum, no help from his siblings. Some people like their siblings, some don't. Happy only children, unhappy only children. Noone knows how their life would have been if any of those variables were different.

Life will unfold, do what feels right.

RedToothBrush · 09/02/2023 09:30

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 09/02/2023 08:28

And, in many families, caring for elderly parents falls to one child anyway. I'm one of 4, but 2 of my sibs live abroad, and the other was unable to help with my parents for (good) personal reasons.

Show quote history

If you have multiple siblings, you can end up with disagreements over parental care which complicates matters, this can then lead to complications over inheritance, and siblings don't necessarily share that responsibility anyway which can create resentment.

DH has effectively been told he isn't to make these decisions (this will fall to his brother and sister) and he is the only one who isn't an executer of his parents will. By their choice. For us it's something of a relief as we will be stuck dealing with my parents even though I have a sibling.

Only having one child, means we are better placed for fund our own care in the future and hopefully, DS will be in a relationship by that time so won't be 'dealing with it alone'.

Besides this even if you have more than one child, there is a chance you will outlive them anyway, meaning there is only one child or no children left by the time you get to old age.

If you are making decisions about the number of children you have relating to your old age then frankly you are off your rocker!

Thinkbiglittleone · 09/02/2023 10:28

Loves it because you never know what you’re missing and it’s not fun coping with elderly parents alone. It’s fine though…. Extra piano lessons

How bizarre to get so "snipey" with your response.
It absolutely isn't fun coping with an elderly parent alone, I can see how that can make one bitter. But that happens to families with siblings, lots of them. An unwanted sibling does not ensure that this doesn't happen, so it's a Pointless argument.

Also of course the only child doesn't know what it would be like to have a sibling but loves their life, the same as the child with a sibling loves their sibling but doesn't know if they would prefer it without.

Surely what does that matter though, the only thing that matters is that the kid enjoys their life. Surely you don't teach them to focus on things they can't have, if they are happy, then you're winning.

With all these people saying you should listen to their child about bringing another life into the world, how does that work if they want a sister??? Should you just keep going until they get a sister, because they want one ??? I mean, they could look around and see all their friends with sisters and the "heartbreak" of them not having one and you allowing them to miss out on the companionship of a sister or do they just know life is what it is.

Mushroo · 09/02/2023 10:35

I was an only and there’s a 10 year gap between me and my sister.

I liked being an only a lot and actually, a sibling caused a lot of resentment on my part.

We actually get on really well as adults, but I think I would have been just as happy always being an only - we’re not that close, I’m much closer to my childhood best friend. Similarly, if my parents needed care, I’d be more likely to discuss it is with my husband / friend than my sister.

The only time I think having siblings is really a pro is as Xmas as you have someone nearer your own age amongst the relatives. But a once a year event probably isn’t enough to sway me.

Also, people don’t think about the sheer cost. Driving lessons, uni fees, hobbies, can add to thousands of pounds.

I am planning to have one and done.

Notadrill · 09/02/2023 10:57

Like pp said, being an only used to be much rarer (I'm mid 50s). I believe pecking order does have an impact. Only children tend to be rather conscientious and responsible. I think it's more difficult to learn things like healthy competition and resilience, so while often very self-sufficient and independent and mature, only children can be a bit less robust in a collective if they're not in charge. I realise grass is not always greener with siblings. I'm an only. No kids.

Thinkbiglittleone · 09/02/2023 11:06

only children can be a bit less robust in a collective if they're not in charge.

We were very conscious of the "bossy" or "spoilt" only child generalisation so we ensured that our DS had to take turns with us when little, he had to wait his turn, not always get first choice, we never used to let him win all the time - I've met lots of spoilt children and very much not all are only children but as that generalisation is made often , we tried our best to avoid it.

I think it can happen with the baby of the family also, the older ones get "Just give it to them" when the little one out of the siblings is crying for something,

macaronicheese123 · 09/02/2023 11:10

We have DS who is 2. I don’t want anymore. I have chronic health condition and my husband works long hours (nature of the job) his parents are local but offer no support, they could, but they just won’t.
I have one brother and one sister. one is a druggie and waster and we’ve had no contact for years and the other lives far up north. I have a parent with a terminal illness and neither sibling have made been any help at all.
I was chronically lonely as a child, even with siblings, we had no money, life was very boring and we never went anywhere. I hugely envied my piers going on nice holidays, having nice things and lots of activities. Once the nursery fees are done, we will have a very comfortable life where little one can have so many adventures and opportunities. Travel the world with us etc.
I work a few days a week and have a good balance, everything is going ok now but if I were to have any more, it would all go to shit!

Don’t let people tell you siblings are essential, they are not. I believe it’s about whether you have siblings I believe it’s about the opportunities/activities/attention you provide if you are an engaged parent, they have you for company. Invite their friends on holiday/have lots of sleepovers. Help them build empathy and good social skills so they have friends. Thats my plan anyway!

macaronicheese123 · 09/02/2023 11:12

sorry, I meant I don’t believe it’s about how siblings you have

Isheabastard · 09/02/2023 11:16

No, she’s an adult now and we have helped her buy her first home.

The advantages of an only don’t stop when they leave home.

Galadriel90 · 09/02/2023 11:18

Not at all! I have one, he's 7 now and am absolute joy. Sibling relationships aren't guaranteed at all.

SeensBeens · 09/02/2023 11:24

Not at all.
I have one with mild special needs, being the only child means we have so much more time and money to spend giving them the best life possible.

I know some people do worry about what happens when they get elderly and the burden on an only child. To give me own story, depsite having a sibling, I ended up with 99% of that responsibility anyway for both of my parents. It's no guarantee.

Phos · 09/02/2023 11:29

Despite what most of the sanctimonious PPs seem to believe, having more than one child is not an obligation and children do not need a sibling.

I'm an only and don't wish I had a sibling, so whoever said that, complete bollocks.

Melaniais · 09/02/2023 11:39

I have a six year gap between my DDs. It took us a long time to decide on having 2nd child. Juggling between full time and stressful work, nursery costs and timings for pick ups and drop off, plus we have no help (no family in the Uk). So for long we thought to stick to one. But then can pandemic and we saw how lonely our daughter was and she has no cousins here as we are both from different countries and so on. We decided to have a second child and as hard as it was to start all over again after 6 yrs it's just a blessing having a toddler (now) along with older daughter. They get on well and it seems 2nd was just a missing puzzle. But each life experience and situation is different

Mumsafan · 09/02/2023 11:47

I have 3 but I was an only child and didn't like it all. I feel mine have missed out on some cousins as well.

Feeling it more as my parents got older - my dad has now passed but having to deal with his dementia on my own was horrific. (they divorced when I was in secondary school).

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