How did you know a one child family was right for you?

[TrulyMiss]

I have one DS who just turned two and is a lovely happy little chap. I had to get fertility treatment (drugs and follicle tracking) to have him.
Over the last year we have gone back and forth about whether to have another and really weren't sure as we feel we'd be happy either way. Ultimately we decided to go for a second as I was worried I might regret it later. After the summer, I went back on the drugs and had a chemical pregnancy. The following month I got pregnant but had a missed miscarriage at 7.5 weeks.
I really don't know what to do - we won't get pregnant naturally or accidentally so have make an active decision whether to try again or not. The drugs make me feel like crap and I'm very daunted by the idea of going back on them, plus I hate being pregnant. And what if I miscarried again?
Given that we feel we'd be happy either way, should we just stay as we are and spare ourselves the hassle and potential heartache?
I am a bit stuck on this and feel I need to decide in order to move on...

I've never wanted more than one. There are too many people in the world already and he has a better chance in life and I can afford to support him. For example I paid to put him through university and helped him buy a house.
I can't afford to help more than one child.
Life is so hard for youngsters now I wanted to give him the best I could.

Thanks @Bestcatmum

I guess I feel that we don't want it that much so is it really with it to keep going? I could draw a line under it and go back to living

It took us years to have DS, so I was mid 30s when he was born. Hated pregnancy and had massive anxiety around childbirth.

absolutely loved having a baby: but found toddlerhood a little challenging.

@TrulyMiss I'm sorry you've had such a hard time getting pregnant in the first place & I'm sorry about your miscarriages. It all sounds very tough.

We are not a one child family but it can have its benefits + all the only children I know are happy.

What does your heart say? Maybe you know deep down what you want already but just want confirmation on here.

You're a great mother, no matter your decision.

How did I know? … I remember being always aware that I would be responsible for raising a human being, and wanted to do the best I could. I love working and switching roles is not easy.
I didn’t enjoy pregnancy and having another child would have taken so much out of the “me-time” I need.
I have so much respect for mums who have more than one child, I just don’t know how they manage. Perhaps I’m too lazy for that :-D or too self-aware of the difficulties finding the sources to get more energy to carry on.

Mum of one here. When I was younger I vaguely pictured myself having two kids as it was just what people did. I was massively broody before having DD (now 7), but since she was born that feeling has never returned. I think in the same was that some people never get the urge to have kids at all, others never get the urge to have more than one. There are also practical/health reasons a second wouldn’t be a great idea, but at heart it just comes down to believing that every child should be truly wanted, not just brought into the world because it’s ‘the done thing’. Of course my DD may feel we made the wrong choice when she’s older, but I hope at least that she will understand why we made the choice we did.

@gemloving I am really conflicted but equally I guess that means there's no 'wrong' answer for us. It's very hard being a woman!!

The right family is ultimately the family you end up with.

@WorkinMumsince4ever I totally get what you're saying. I also understand the switching roles piece - I do have issues with my current job and also feel s big stuck there as I don't know what I'm doing. Id love to be free to explore other opportunities without having to consider trying for another baby etc

Whatever works for you, will always be the right answer :-D
it is hard being a woman, however we have it better than our grandmothers. We can more-less decide on our bodies and have options.
Success with your decision!

@bookworm14 thank you! I was definitely super broody to have one, to the point where the infertility and delays really affected my mental health. I definitely don't feel the same urge now, it's much more influenced by societal expectation (which is silly really) and fear of later regrets. I'd love a crystal ball to see what the future holds!!!

We went back and forth about it for years. I had two miscarriages and we decided to stop at one. That was a year ago, Dd is now 6.5 and I finally feel at peace. Our lives have all moved on and I am able to focus on my career, have lots of quality time with Dd and dh, and have much needed me-time as well. Deciding to stop trying for #2 was very freeing for me personally.

I do still sometimes feel sadness and wistfulness but overall my life is good and happy.

I'm very sorry to hear about your losses OP. All the best with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks @AmongstTheCosmos! I do think it would be really freeing. And it's not like I'd be sending DH off for an immediate vasectomy so I could still change my mind later and restart fertility treatment later if I wanted but I wouldn't have to live with it constantly looking over me.
This morning was the first time since the summer that I've not felt full of some kind of hormones and actually energetic enough to do a kettlebell workout. I think I'd enjoy life so much more if I decided to draw a line under it. But then I feel a bit selfish/lazy as clearly others are willing to keep going and put themselves through all sorts!!
I'm sure I'll work it out eventually

I could have written this!
Ds is 7. It took us 5 years to have him. No fertility treatment, we were renovating a house at the same time so we weren't in a rush time was on our side then.

Labour was horrific and we were told not to even think of another pregnancy for at least 3 years. We waited until Ds was 4 before trying again. Then covid hit. The thought of needing an emergency section and there not being anyone there filled me with horror so we paused.

Then I got covid and the aftermath left me with chronic high blood pressure and asthma. I thought that was it. Due to the drugs no more babies. By chance I asked the pharmacist who said there was one blood pressure drug you can take through pregnancy if you have asthma. The hope I felt at that point !

The downside is tiredness . Everyday is like wading through treacle.

We didn't fall pregnant after 6 months of trying again so contacted the doctors.

We were referred to the fertility clinic. We have been paying privately for 10 months for fertility treatment with no success.
We have paused treatment this month as the drug side effects have finally got to me. In the new year I have a review with the consultant as it clearly isn't working.

I don't know what to do
It breaks my heart in two the thought of not having another child.
On the other hand I don't know how much more I can cope with the baldness the tiredness and emotional ups and downs.

When we started out we had put a time limit on it when we turn 40 we stop. There are 18 months left.

I have no answer for you, but you are not alone.

I never had a longing for another one. I never felt there was anyone "missing" from our family like I've heard other women say. As Hallmark as it sounds, I felt complete when I had DC.

We needed IVF to have DC so, like you, it's not going to happen naturally. I would hate to start IVF again and for it not to be a success. How many times would we try? Having been through IVF, I know the emotions involved and if we didn't have a second one, I think we would end up mourning something that we weren't overly bothered about to begin with. This way, we finished IVF on a win.

DC is nearly 7, is really happy and outgoing and has never asked for a sibling.

@Lampshadered sorry just saw your reply now! Thank you, that's so helpful!! Have you ever wavered on it or been worried about regretting it later? I'm the same in that I dont feel there's a child 'missing' but I think the societal pressure makes me doubt myself!!

when I imagined my future family, for some reason it was only with with one child. I was never that interested in kids and was single a long time before meeting DH, so th xwere never really on my radar, so this may explain this perhaps. I had a MC and became determined to have a baby, and love her to death now she’s here. But I don’t have that drive or urge to get pregnant again like I did previously. I had a really difficult birth, and didn’t enjoy pregnancy like a lot of women seem to do. I also don’t have much support and now caring for elderly family member as well, so I worry how I will cope.

I feel bad as other women who were pregnant same time as me are now on their second and I worry there must be something wrong about me as I don’t have desire for another, like I am defunct somehow. My DH also doesn’t want any more but would be fine if I did. If he really wanted another I would reconsider and I check with him every few months to see if he has changed his mind and I’m always relieved he hasn’t 😆

I tried but DD was an ivf baby and I would have needed it again as was an issue with DH. IVF made me very very unwell and doing that with a small child and the expense was just difficult.

DD is now autistic and not sure how I would cope now with another.

If you'd be happy either way I'd stick with one, particularly given the hurdles you face. Sod societal expectations! Personally I felt an almost overwhelming urge for DC2, took years and it was so hard mentally and emotionally. If you don't have the overwhelming urge why put yourselves through the misery. Enjoy your child, there are plenty of benefits in having one/not having to split time and resources etc.

We have 2 boys but there's an age gap between them. 16 and 9 years old. I believe if it feels right to have another one, then keep going. If it doesn't feel right then don't do it.
I have friends who have 2 children, one after the other and remember one of them saying, 'I'm getting it all done in one go'. That's the wrong attitude for me. I preferred the age gap. They were both wanted.

I grew up as an only child and certainly never missed out on anything x

I was broody for approx six months before getting pregnant with DC - never before or since. Knew i didn’t want another by the time DC was about 2.5 and they’re seven now. I know my personality type and what makes me happy and stable, and by having one DC i still have energy, personal space, time for my career, and time for myself and my hobbies and interests. As a result, i’m able to be a good, present, happy mother.

I am still go around and around on this decision. We have one child who is nearly 4 and they are so loved and our worlds revolve around them. I'm 39 so know the clock is ticking and yet we can't seem to make a decision about a second. Firstly, I absolutely hated pregnancy, was anxious the whole way through and had antenatal depression. We have a nice and manageable life in the city but my husband works long hours and my work is currently poorly paid as I retrained and am working my way up again. Having a second would stretch our finances so much and would add pressure to our marriage which has had bad patches in the past few years due to money and time pressures otherwise we are a strong couple. Although I don't feel a longing for a second baby I also can't seem to find contentment with the decision to just have the one. I am close to my siblings and worry my child will miss out on such an important relationship.

I have endo so dd was a miracle really. Conceived after many years and hugging a phallic statue in Vietnam. Tried for number 2 but never happened. Had an op for my endo but damage was done. Offered ivf but we decided not to spend the money and time.

Health issues and endo and had DD 2 months short of 40 had stopped trying. Opted out of IVF hospital made errors misplacing eggs of others, so no to that.
Visit the babies sculpture at Vigeland Park in Oslo Norway and bit later short holiday in Germany and DD was conceived there. DD is now 23.