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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

So sad about not wanting another child

31 replies

T33MVY · 19/09/2021 05:22

I had always pictured myself with 2 children and that was always my plan.

I enjoyed being pregnant and didn't find it difficult at all.

I found labour horrendous and vowed after having my son that if I was to have another I'd have an elective section.

When my son was 2 weeks old I was so up for another baby and wanted to have one quite soon after.

Then reality hit!

My son developed bad reflux and cried almost all the time for months and months. I got really down about this and absolutely hated motherhood. Felt like I completely lost myself and felt broken if I'm honest. I regretted having my son and wanted to go back to how things were before.

After feeling like that I vowed I couldn't/wouldn't go through that again because I lost myself.

We are now 11 months on and I still find motherhood the hardest job in the world and honestly find it tedious and not very rewarding most days.

I am absolutely gutted that I don't love it and so sad that I don't want another baby. But there is nothing in me that thinks having a baby is a good idea.

I know think once this stage is over I don't want to relive these feelings again. It's so sad because my husband would like another child and I wish I did too but not a part of me does :(

Anyone feel the same?

OP posts:

PurBal · 19/09/2021 05:34

We’re in the early days at 10 weeks but yes, I agree. The only driving force to have another would be to give DS a sibling but I don’t think I can go through this again for that reason alone. DH loathes parenthood though, if neither of us are up for it I don’t see it happening.

PurBal · 19/09/2021 05:39

And yes it makes me sad. I’m one of 3 and I can’t imagine not having my siblings in my life (obviously). But I know we can have a nice life with just one. So far I find the rewards few and far between. Good times and bad times but mostly just trudging through average.

Gorl · 19/09/2021 05:43

I have similar feelings. I love my son more than anything but I have surprised myself with the realisation that I only want one. He was a very, very hard baby - terrible reflux, total Velcro baby, absolutely horrendous sleeper. He is so much better now and I am now really enjoying him, but no part of me wants to go through what we went through in the first 6/7 months again. The thought fills me with absolute dread.

My husband would have another I think, but is wholly supportive of me and puts no pressure on. I always thought I would have 2 or 3 and part of me grieves that family that I won’t ever have, but I know I just don’t have it in me to do it again.

BiscuitLover09876 · 19/09/2021 05:43

Give it another year. It's a very big upheaval and things can see better with time. A second baby would probably be completely different so it's always a risk but can also be different.

Original poster

T33MVY · 19/09/2021 05:44

@PurBal completely.

That would be my only reason to have another, so my son want alone.

I'm am an only child and didn't mind it at all but as an adult now I think about things like when I lose my parents I will have no family apart from my husbands family. And even that could all end some day and I'd be alone.

I'd like my son to have a sibling but does that mean being miserable and making my sons life worse just to have a brother or sister that he may not even like or be close to?

OP posts:

Original poster

T33MVY · 19/09/2021 05:47

@BiscuitLover09876

Yeah, my husband says he would get the snip just now if he thought I was 100% and has said if you want me to do it I'll do tomorrow but when I say not yet I think he thinks there's a glimmer of hope!

We said we will wait till my son is 2 and then make a final choice because we wouldn't want them any further apart in age than that and I'm getting too old (33) !!

OP posts:

PurBal · 19/09/2021 05:52

@T33MVY completely get you. At this moment in time I don’t think a sibling is a good enough reason. It’s nearly a year since we conceived and I’m still recovering from the birth (obviously). It’s going to take months for me to get back to “the new normal” and then what? Put my body physically and emotionally through it all again because it might be nice for DS to have a sibling? As you say, it might not.

icklekid · 19/09/2021 05:57

I had my 2 close together for this reason- pregnancy was horrendous (hypermesis for 9 months), lots of intervention in labour and infection post labour, ds had horrendous colic and I had pnd. Despite this I knew I wanted 2. I was dreading repeating the pattern. I also knew I wanted the baby stage out of the way because from 1 onwards ds was totally transformed and I loved him.
I still had hypermesis (worse as in and out of hospital this time), dd was 6 weeks prem, labour was fine although I was in denial for most of it! I had saught support for dealing with pnd but dd was a different child. Very calm and slept lots , especially those first 6 weeks. There is only 2 years and 2 weeks between them. I’m so pleased i had a second but would never do it again! Every baby/pregnancy is different but it’s absolutely fine to not want another and be happy with your ds

BasiliskStare · 19/09/2021 06:00

I would wait and see but we have one child - he has friends , is outgoing , between DH DS & me we are a very close little "unit". As DS has grown older and I can speak about this I have asked him if misses having siblings and he ( & I believe him) says 'not one jot' - I think simply to give a child a sibling is not the best reason for having a baby. I like my brother - well I love him - but we are not close.

UsedUpUsername · 19/09/2021 06:01

I'd like my son to have a sibling but does that mean being miserable and making my sons life worse just to have a brother or sister that he may not even like or be close to

Why would it make your son’s life worse?

HangingChads · 19/09/2021 06:10

I felt this way, DC now 4 and I haven't changed my mind. Instead I've decided to be sort of open to the idea of changing my mind (still young enough to have the luxury of doing that). It's not a definite no, but a not right now. I figure DC needs a stable happy mother and family way more than they need a sibling, and I cannot bring myself to create life just so they have a friend at home all the time (may not get along anyway)

Artichokepiglet · 19/09/2021 06:27

It's not quite the same but I was always so sure I wanted three children. We now have two and I have changed my mind completely and am stopping here!

I love them both more than anything but life is currently challenging because they constantly squabble and appear to hate each other most of the time - DS1 is now at a lovely age where he wants to really concentrate on playing with Lego or doing craft etc. or having conversations with us but DS2 is going through the terrible twos and will often ruin these activities for him.

I know that this is just a phase and DS2 will grow out of it and I'm obviously so pleased we have him in our lives, I do sometimes wonder if DS1 would be having a better time of it right now as an only child though.

Once DS2 has grown out of it, I don't really want to repeat the situation by adding another baby/toddler. They might benefit from having another sibling eventually but I worry there will be years of stress and of us being unable to give the existing two as much attention before we get there.

Cathy31 · 19/09/2021 06:33

I had an incredibly hard first year with my first (reflux etc) but got surprise pg with my second. I knew that I'd regret not having another once the baby years were done, but I was pretty scared during that pregnancy. It was absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me. My second was an easier baby and life now (they're 3 and 1) is really lovely. My first has become the sweetest, kindest little thing. My second is a much more challenging toddler than she was baby, but after everything I survived with my first I feel so confident and calm about it all. We're actually considering a third! How you feel about parenting can (will?) change. Which isn't to day you should have another baby, just that present challenges will pass and don't have to be the only factor in the decision. 11 months is not an easy age!

Nofacedetected · 19/09/2021 06:46

Babies are so boring. They get more interesting when they're toddlers and pre school and beyond are great. You'll really start to appreciate and enjoy your family of 3 soon. You might chose to add to it or not, just try not to sweat about it now as with siblings or without, your child can have a wonderful life. I have a very happy 16 year old

Bagelsandbrie · 19/09/2021 06:48

11 months is still a baby and it’s exhausting having a baby. Personally I don’t understand why people are so keen to have children so close together- there’s no guarantee they’ll like each other or even play together and you just give yourself more sleepless nights and more work!!

I have a 9 year age gap between mine….!

emanresua · 19/09/2021 06:54

I always imagined having three children. After my first I said never again. I enjoyed being pregnant, but had a very difficult birth, pnd, and a "high needs" baby.
We're 12 years on from that (and post-divorce) and both delighted with our family of two. We're an absolute team and it's a delight. Neither of us would ever have wanted another baby and child in our family.

Original poster

T33MVY · 19/09/2021 07:18

@UsedUpUsername it would make my sons life worse because if I felt now I did when I had him I would be broken and couldn't function as any sort or mother to the child I already have

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/09/2021 07:22

Babies are not all the same. My son was just so easy he was a dream, sleeping through the night from 6 weeks and kept himself amused for hours if I was busy doing things.
Your next child could be like that.
My youngest sister and I were the same but my middle sister woke repeatedly through the night screaming until she was three.
Its just the luck of the draw really.

User5827372728 · 19/09/2021 07:24

@Artichokepiglet

Are you me?!!!

yellowgingham · 19/09/2021 07:27

Eleven months is still so young! I didn't even consider having a second until my eldest was two. By then the good memories outweighed the bad and we decided to have another.

However, I know lots of only children who are very happy, and I can see the advantages of being able to focus on one child. So that could be good too.

Either way, it won't always be as hard as it is during the baby stage. I find them much more rewarding as they get older.

Luckyme30 · 19/09/2021 07:28

I could have written this! I am feeling exactly the same about this except that I’m pregnant.
When I fell pregnant we wanted this pregnancy and a sibling for our ds (who is 11 months old).

He had terrible reflux and milk allergy, we struggled with him sleeping, he had to be rocked to sleep for every nap (sometimes taking 30 mins before nodding off) it was hard work and I swear I nearly had a breakdown!

I find it tedious looking after him in the day, though I absolutely adore him I find myself sometimes wishing I could have my old life back.. but I love him!
Now seriously regretting our decision to bring another life into this world, absolutely dreading this baby gets reflux and could possibly be harder work than our DS.
My partner is worried I’ll not cope and to be quite honest I am too.

All for giving our DS a sibling.. who as people have said he may not like/get on with.. it’s so difficult!

Flittingaboutagain · 19/09/2021 07:32

Any chance some of your feelings are down to PND OP? Would it be worth having a chat about how you're finding motherhood with your HV or GP?

I have a 12 week old velcro baby with some health issues related to being prem and am already thinking oh can I have another. I don't personally find having a baby boring as a PP said, but I appreciate we are all different. Pregnancy was horrid but as baby came early I think I'm still in the "thank goodness baby is OK" bubble!

I think the type of birth you have and the temperament of the baby is almost all luck too.

ShrimpingViolet · 19/09/2021 07:42

Think this a really tough one! And clearly lots of people are in the same boat.

For what it's worth OP, there was no part of me that wanted a second when DD was 11 months, it's still such early days. I think leaving it a while is sensible. We're having another (second and last!) but DD will be nearly 3 when it's born. We're having another because we wanted to meet another one of our children, basically. If they have a good sibling relationship it'll be wonderful but no guarantees I know.

The thing that swung it for us was an unexpected and traumatic family loss which made us reassess. That and picturing how we wanted our lives to look in 30 years time and we decided we'd rather have two children. We wrangled with it for so long though.

We both found the early stages with DD very hard but in reality those times are fleeting.

Ultimately you have to do whatever works for you and your family. I don't think there is any right answer and your DS will be happy with whatever as long as he is loved. Don't put too much pressure on yourself now.

Mumoblue · 19/09/2021 07:50

If part of you still wants another, then don’t treat it like a permanent decision now. You don’t want another kid right now, and that’s fine, and if you never do- that’s also fine.

But close age gaps aren’t everything. I have 5 siblings, and the one I’m closest to is 12 years younger than me! (And I fought like cats in a bag with my sibling who is closest in age to me for YEARS).

cptartapp · 19/09/2021 07:59

I found those first few months pretty awful. Did not enjoy them one bit. So I outsourced it, put DS in nursery at four months and went back to work pt. Instantly felt 100% better. He got easier as he grew and although I never had that urge for a second, always knew I didn't want an only child.
We had DS2 when DS1 was 2.5 yearsold. DS2 went to nursery too pt at five months and we put our heads down and got through the next couple of years.
Now 18 and 16 and having two DC was absolutely the best decision for us, but only because I preserved my sanity by paying for others to share the drudge years.

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