So sad about not wanting another child

[T33MVY]

I had always pictured myself with 2 children and that was always my plan.

I enjoyed being pregnant and didn't find it difficult at all.

I found labour horrendous and vowed after having my son that if I was to have another I'd have an elective section.

When my son was 2 weeks old I was so up for another baby and wanted to have one quite soon after.

Then reality hit!

My son developed bad reflux and cried almost all the time for months and months. I got really down about this and absolutely hated motherhood. Felt like I completely lost myself and felt broken if I'm honest. I regretted having my son and wanted to go back to how things were before.

After feeling like that I vowed I couldn't/wouldn't go through that again because I lost myself.

We are now 11 months on and I still find motherhood the hardest job in the world and honestly find it tedious and not very rewarding most days.

I am absolutely gutted that I don't love it and so sad that I don't want another baby. But there is nothing in me that thinks having a baby is a good idea.

I know think once this stage is over I don't want to relive these feelings again. It's so sad because my husband would like another child and I wish I did too but not a part of me does :(

Anyone feel the same?

Everyone is different, OP. I was pregnant with DD2 when DD1 was just seven months old.
DH died before DD2’s first birthday, so I was a widowed single mother with a baby and toddler both still in nappies.
If I had put off the decision, I wouldn’t have had the chance of a second child.
It has been very hard, raising them alone while working full time, but I now have two wonderful adult DDs that I love dearly, and with whom I have so many laughs and happy times. It was good that they could play with each other while I was trying to juggle the chores, diy and gardening at weekends, too.

It does get easier, especially past a year with good sleeping etc.

There is also nothing wrong with having one child rather than two.

Give yourself a chance. I didn't hate dds early years but it was definitely tough (not much practical family support and didn't do nursery til gone 3). For various reasons I don't think any of us would have coped well with a second until recently.

Dd has absolutely thrived at school, and we finally feel ready and I'm now 11 weeks pregnant. No, we won't have the 'perfect' age gap (if that exists) but it's been right for us.

I'd just focus on yourselves for now and see how you feel as time goes on.

I hear you OP. DS is a little older (16 mo) but I could have written everything word for word. I’m full of resentment and anger that his first year was so bloody difficult when others are blessed with happy babies who sleep and feed well and most importantly don’t spend every waking minute crying.

Firstly, it’s okay to stick at one. It’s totally okay. Don’t let shit strangers on MN make you feel like you are selfish or that your DC will grow up to be a sociopath by not having siblings. There are so so many benefits to one child, both for you and your DC.

However, I do also agree with some PP that you are still in the baby trenches right now. That’s not to gaslight you - your feelings may never change. But as your DC gets older and the dust settles, you may decide to take the chance on a second. They may be a unicorn, they may be worse than your first. That’s the luck of the draw.

Easier said then done, but unless time really isn’t on your side, try to put thoughts of a second firmly away for now. I’m getting some counselling currently now DS is more settled and it’s really helping me process the last 16 months. I’ve had the coil fitted and we are going to decide in 1 year if it comes out or stays in. Whatever we decide then will be final as it’s not something we want to dwell on for ever.

All the best to you

Thanks for writing this OP.

This is exactly how I feel, so sad I don’t love being a mum, I so wanted to. My beautiful 11MO daughter wakes up constantly & was so unsettled for months & months. The crying & sleep deprivation made me totally lose all sense of self. It’s been brutal.

Really hoping as it’s early days that things can turn around for both of us.

Firstly, you’re only 11 months in so what you’re feeling is very normal. You may change your mind.

But you may not. My DC is 3.5 and it’s decided we are “one and done”. I’m older so that’s played a huge part in the decision, but my other reasons are hating pregnancy (very sick), hating birth, finding the baby stage tough, finding the toddler stage tough. It is getting better now at 3.5 though!

I love my DC more than I ever thought possible, but I don’t want another. And that’s ok.

Check out the “Joys of One” thread on this board for positives about having one.