Feel Ashamed

[completelyclueless1]

I hope I don't say anything to upset anyone. I just feel really low this week and I want to write it all down somewhere anonymous.

We have a little boy - 3 and a half. I will admit that I barely got through the first year. He was very colicky and a real crier.

We've been trying for a sibling for about a year now. We paid for basic tests privately and I am ovulating and my husband's sperm is all fine, but nothing has happened.

My husband has said he wants to leave it now and get the snip. We are a happy gang of three and life is lovely and well balanced.

I am ashamed that I feel a relief. I am ashamed that I am happy to put my hands up and go along without a fight. That this is the easy option and I haven't tried hard enough, I don't have permission to give up.

It feels like the universe has perhaps decided that I don't have what it takes. My son is such a well behaved boy out and about but he can be quite intense with me when we are at home. He has a cold this week, my husband is away with work and last night after nursery he was pushing me to my limit. And then I shout at him to stop whining and I know I've scared him, he says "you're being naughty to me mummy"

I just feel pathetic. I have an intense full time job but I just fail at being a mum. I can't even cope with two hours after nursery even though someone else has cared for him all day.

It's for the best I'm not having another. I probably shouldn't have had my son, and now he's stuck with a useless mum and no siblings to share it all with.

I'm sorry, I know that's a depressing read but I just feel so sad and conflicted I just needed to put it all out there.

@Mamabearr30 that's really kind, thank you :)

I found it got easier and easier after he turned one, keep going!

You are not a terrible Mum, a terrible Mum wouldn't be feeling guilty and thinking about all of this. The baby and toddler years are full on.

I also had a colicky, non sleeping, lots of crying hard work baby. That baby is 5.5 now and whilst there are still challenges (there are with every stage) it is definitely overall easier.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with only children. I got pregnant again when my hard work baby was 8 months old. My husband was pleased and whilst I was in some ways I absolutely dreaded the 17 month age gap. I lost that baby and it was traumatic and there was grief but I also felt a little bit of relief.

We did eventually decide to have another but that pregnancy was so hard. I was adamant that I was done. We do now have a second child who is in full blown toddler mode. I love them both dearly but I feel so, so relieved that I am done and my husband has had the snip. We don't have any close family, no cousins for our children and none likely to be and that influenced me a little to go for our last baby.

I have a good friend who has an only child and that child is happy and thriving and loved and my friend and her husband now have freedom to go on holidays and activities that are still a few years off for us.

I think knowing our limitations and not berating ourselves for them but feeling positive that we are able to recognise them and work with them is a good thing really.

@Merryhobnobs I'm really sorry for your loss - thank you for sharing your story. It's all such a minefield isn't it?

@T33MVY I could have wrote this myself, I feel exactly the same! We if and are constantly, well I do more than he does yet I'm the one that's suffered more emotionally as we had a very unsettled child with terrible sleep then asthma issues and now I am suffering with such exhaustion dr is sure I hve CFS and an affected immune system am I'm always ill, I feel like a shell of my former self. It's been so so tough! I feel crazy stupid even considering another but I only do for her as would loved for her to have a sibling but atm I know I can't consider it due to my health atm. I read more comments about only children becoming more common possibly true due to people waiting longer to get sorted and leaving it later and the rising costs of everything I think it is probably becoming more common x x x