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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Feel Ashamed

29 replies

completelyclueless1 · 01/09/2021 11:12

I hope I don't say anything to upset anyone. I just feel really low this week and I want to write it all down somewhere anonymous.

We have a little boy - 3 and a half. I will admit that I barely got through the first year. He was very colicky and a real crier.

We've been trying for a sibling for about a year now. We paid for basic tests privately and I am ovulating and my husband's sperm is all fine, but nothing has happened.

My husband has said he wants to leave it now and get the snip. We are a happy gang of three and life is lovely and well balanced.

I am ashamed that I feel a relief. I am ashamed that I am happy to put my hands up and go along without a fight. That this is the easy option and I haven't tried hard enough, I don't have permission to give up.

It feels like the universe has perhaps decided that I don't have what it takes. My son is such a well behaved boy out and about but he can be quite intense with me when we are at home. He has a cold this week, my husband is away with work and last night after nursery he was pushing me to my limit. And then I shout at him to stop whining and I know I've scared him, he says "you're being naughty to me mummy" Sad

I just feel pathetic. I have an intense full time job but I just fail at being a mum. I can't even cope with two hours after nursery even though someone else has cared for him all day.

It's for the best I'm not having another. I probably shouldn't have had my son, and now he's stuck with a useless mum and no siblings to share it all with.

I'm sorry, I know that's a depressing read but I just feel so sad and conflicted Sad I just needed to put it all out there.

OP posts:
isitautumnyet · 01/09/2021 11:16

I obviously can't speak for everyone but most people find parenting hard . I no I do . It's extremely hard it's tough and it's an emotional roller coaster your honestly not alone . Being a parent is the hardest job anyone can do . But trust me it does get easier. I've got 3 now xx

GingerFigs · 01/09/2021 11:26

You are not a useless mum. Small people are really hard work. You sound like you have a lot on your plate - a busy job and an emotional roller coaster trying to conceive. Don't feel like you haven't tried hard enough to conceive, you really have, there are no rules about how long or what routes to try, if you and your partner are happy with your family then that is enough x

Choccyhobnob · 01/09/2021 12:24

You are not alone. I often feel like a failure as everyone else seems to cope with 2 kids but DS was such a difficult baby that mine and DH mental health and marriage was severely tested and I don't want to do it again. I feel more and more of a failure each time friends announce they are expecting their second or third. DH only ever wanted one so I have to accept that I will never have another even though I miss being pregnant so much.

But honestly so much of parenting is dull and monotonous and I need time to myself at least 2 hours a day. I often find I can't cope with the 2 hours before bedtime even if someone else has had him all day. Now he's 6 having him at school every day is great but I wish the school day ended at 5 not 3. I feel so bad saying that as I love him so so much but I find playing with him exhausting.

eightlivesdown · 01/09/2021 12:31

Consider delaying DH getting the snip and see if you both feel the same in a year or two.

Original poster
completelyclueless1 · 01/09/2021 13:08

Thank you, I am always amazed at how kind you all can be.

I just feel like I'm letting him down. And everyone saw how much I struggled and will probably think I've made up the year's worth of trying as a convenient excuse. But maybe it is a convenient excuse, otherwise we'd try harder.

@Choccyhobnob I honestly feel exactly the same. I love him so much, but my god I just don't seem to have it in me most of the time.

OP posts:
MamaSJ15 · 01/09/2021 21:35

Hello 😊 it sounds like you feeling relief at stopping TTC is a sign! Did you want another child? Or did you feel like you ought to? Me and DH have recently decided not to have any more children (we were also trying for about 5 months before changing our minds), and I have to admit, a part of me felt a bit of relief too. I think it's my body's way of telling me.
And don't feel bad, we all have those days with our LOs. God knows I do! Being a full time working parent is hard!

Original poster
completelyclueless1 · 02/09/2021 08:06

@MamaSJ15 You are so kind. Thank you. I know it probably is a sign, but I just feel wretched, why does everyone else cherish it so much and I find it so hard? Why can't I pull myself together for him? But we are very happy he three of us.

This motherhood lark is hard! But I am feeling much better today. It's lovely to hear from others who have gone through similar, especially if they are sticking at one. I just don't know any other families in real life who have done similar - I'm quite rural really and most mums I know work a few days a week at most. I imagine one child families might be more common in cities but who knows! Either way its lovely to hear from others :)

OP posts:
MamaSJ15 · 02/09/2021 15:02

@completelyclueless1 trust me you're not alone! It is hard, but try to enjoy the little precious moments, the bedtime stories, the random chats, these small things really are the big things. After a full day of work, it really can bes testing when your LO just won't let up, but try to be patient, they feed off your mood. If you stay calm, they usually give up easier 😂

Apparently only child families are becoming more common, I wasn't aware but apparently so haha.

sqirrelfriends · 02/09/2021 15:11

Totally ok to be relived. I always wanted 2 but have come to the decision that it just isn't the right thing for us. I'm stretched thin as it is, another just seems like hard work.

Siameasy · 02/09/2021 20:57

Honestly I never really enjoyed parenting that much until she started school. At that point other people went for a second. I finally breathed because I have an —insane—spirited child who was early with all the physical milestones and never slept. You’re not a failure. Your child adores you and wants only you for his mum

Original poster
completelyclueless1 · 03/09/2021 08:04

Thank you so much everyone. These comments have honestly made all the difference to me this week Smile

OP posts:
user1471519931 · 03/09/2021 11:59

Dude, don't think a second more about it. Everyone loses their shit with their kids sometimes. 😅🙈

OrangeTortoise · 03/09/2021 12:04

OP, you sound really worried that other people will judge you for stopping at one? Eg when you say everyone will probably think I've made up the year's worth of trying as a convenient excuse. Honestly, the only people involved in this decision are you and DH. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - and to be perfectly honest they probably don't really care anyway!

Give yourself permission to let go of your guilt and be a happy family of three Smile

Original poster
completelyclueless1 · 04/09/2021 11:22

@OrangeTortoise you're right - reading things back now I'm a bit calmer I am very preoccupied with other people's opinions rather than what is working for us all. Food for thought indeed...!

OP posts:
AliceW89 · 04/09/2021 14:21

Thank you for posting this OP. We are a long way behind you (DS is 15 months) but I am only just seeing the light after a dreadful first year. Awful birth and then a similar DS - he just cried and cried and cried none stop. I hold down a very intense, academic job…yet I massively struggle on my own with DS. I find parenting such a battle. I often feel like a complete failure too.

I feel sick writing this but I almost wish there was some ‘real’ reason not to have another. I feel ‘my mental health couldn’t take it’ or ‘DS was a nightmare baby and I just don’t want another year like that’ or even ‘I’m just not very good at being a mum’ isn’t good enough and makes you an awful person in societies eyes. Everyone says eventually two makes parenting easier as they have each other…but getting there feels so freaking hard right now.

Anyway, not much help, but I so hope posting bought you some clarity and peace of mind and please know you aren’t alone Flowers

Original poster
completelyclueless1 · 06/09/2021 08:18

Hi @AliceW89

Your message really struck a chord!

Please know that it gets infinitely easier. Don't think twice about 'terrible twos' and 'threenagers'. These things are said by people who had easy babies I'm sure. Compared to a constantly crying baby who never cooed or smiled the odd tantrum over a snack in an otherwise happy toddler is NOTHING. Even when out and about. The stress of a screaming baby is much more than a tantrumming toddler - you tend to get smiles and eye rolls from people rather than sad, awkward looks.

I know I moaned earlier this week but we both had colds and my bad feelings come from within - he isn't difficult really and in fact has been pretty much a pleasure from age 2 and a lot better from 18 months. When they start to talk its a game changer.

I realise how hypocritical this will sound coming from me, but I find it helpful hearing from others and getting 'permission'! Physical reasons for not conceiving another are out of your hands. Mental health reasons are just as important but unfortunately need our conscious input, making life so much harder and full of guilt :(

When people ask and are nosey can you say something like 'its unlikely to happen for us' with a thin smile? Not a lie, but will get people off your back. I've heard people start to back off when your eldest gets to four or so. Probably the second year is worst for the questions, I've noticed in this third year they have really declined.

OP posts:
OrangeTortoise · 06/09/2021 08:25

Or, how about a positive response like "we are really happy and content with our family of three and have decided to stop there"?

Craftycorvid · 06/09/2021 08:30

Just came on to say that I’m an ‘only’ and it’s fine. I know quite a number of ‘only’ child families and it seems to be getting more commonplace. Happy families come in all shapes and sizes.

Original poster
completelyclueless1 · 06/09/2021 09:22

@OrangeTortoise You're absolutely right - that's my issues coming to the forefront again, worrying what people think. This has been enlightening!

@Craftycorvid that is so lovely to hear, thank you Smile

OP posts:
T33MVY · 19/09/2021 05:26

@Choccyhobnob

You are not alone. I often feel like a failure as everyone else seems to cope with 2 kids but DS was such a difficult baby that mine and DH mental health and marriage was severely tested and I don't want to do it again. I feel more and more of a failure each time friends announce they are expecting their second or third. DH only ever wanted one so I have to accept that I will never have another even though I miss being pregnant so much.

But honestly so much of parenting is dull and monotonous and I need time to myself at least 2 hours a day. I often find I can't cope with the 2 hours before bedtime even if someone else has had him all day. Now he's 6 having him at school every day is great but I wish the school day ended at 5 not 3. I feel so bad saying that as I love him so so much but I find playing with him exhausting.

Oh my god! I feel like I could have written this myself. So glad it's not just me. I was beginning to feel like an awful mother!!
T33MVY · 19/09/2021 05:30

I feel the same!

I always planned on two children but after my sons awful first few months I felt broken and vowed I couldn't do it again.

The thought of having another baby fills me with dread. If I found out I was pregnant I would really have to consider a termination for my own mental health I think.

My husband would like another but is equally happy to stick at one. Even he says sometimes he is exhausted with one.

I say to people on a daily basis 'I don't know how/why people want or have more than one!' It's so tiring and challenging.

I really really wish I wanted another but I don't think I could. I know the next might be totally different and a dream baby but that's not a chance I can take.

I feel like once this stage is over I don't want to revisit it.

T33MVY · 19/09/2021 05:32

@AliceW89

This is exactly how I feel!

peanutnest · 19/09/2021 08:32

My decision to stick with one is partly due to a much higher risk of prematurity in my future babies (I've been through this with my son - but thank goodness he seems to be doing wonderfully now).

In my view the risk is unacceptably high so the choice has been kind of made for me. And yes, that does make me feel relief!!

Original poster
completelyclueless1 · 24/09/2021 09:42

It is so lovely to feel that I'm not alone and there are people going through a similar thought process out there!

OP posts:
Mamabearr30 · 25/09/2021 17:23

Parenting is the hardest job out there in my opinion. My DS is 12 months and I find it really challenging to even contemplate another one, and my DS is very easy going . IMO the fact you're even worrying about this makes you a fab mum