Joys of one!

[Mooghulempress]

Realising that one has its upsides - 3 year old DS has a grim D&V bug, and it’s so nice just being able to focus on him, sitting quietly and reading together and chatting to him. Finding positives to one feels nice!

I like to have time to myself, which I can manage quite easily with one. I mostly use my “me time” to exercise - I see this as an investment in my physical & mental health, which obviously benefits DC as well as me.

It’s easy for me to slip off for an hour or two exercise at the weekend while DH does something nice with DC.

It’s also easy to get babysitters - grandparents are very happy to look after one well-behaved child.

I’ve friends with 3 kids and weekends seem like military operations - my friend & her DH spend the whole weekend ferrying kids to multiple different activities. My friend also admitted she never has time to host play dates for her youngest as she’s too busy with the older two so the youngest just tags along She wanted a larger family & seems to enjoy it, but it doesn’t look appealing to me.

I have siblings and while they are not bad people we aren’t close at all.

I’ve got friends who have siblings with additional needs and the pressure / responsibilities on them is huge. I also have another friend whose sibling ruined her relationship with her parents whom she used to be very close to

I also have another friend whose sibling ruined her relationship with her parents whom she used to be very close to

This is interesting. I have always wondered whether this would happen with my relationship with DS. My plan was to always have a second but for one reason and another it never happened. Now if it did I would be worried I wouldn't feel as close to DS as I do now. Those with two or more would say you still feel as close but the love is shared but as we couldn't have another I can't afford to think like that.

Being 6 months off 50 is horrible. I feel like I have played Russian Roulette with my declining fertility and lost. But I have to find a way through and keep a mantra of positives in my head.

@BooseysMom the case I am referring to is a very specific set of facts, the sibling has additional severe (MH) issues. It wasn’t simply the existence of a 2nd child that ruined the first’s relationship with the parents

My dd is 9. Having 1 suits me. I like things pretty calm and to have time for everyone to do things they enjoy. She makes friends easily and gets a much greater say in things like holidays and days out than she would normally. She's great company and can chat to anyone.

I don't regret my choice, although some days I wonder what child we'd have had if we'd had a second. It's not an option anymore and life is good and generally pretty easy. The last thing I want is to have a referee arguments and research shows only children turn out great.

Being able to travel without worrying about wether you are holding all hands.

I have one, by choice, who is now 13. I worried for a long time about her being an only but found my peace and focused on the positives.

She's articulate, confident and chatty around adults which has helped her find a wee volunteer post at the stables she rides at. We can "indulge" her hobbies which has made her the happiest she's ever been as she's found her place. She's aware she's very fortunate but we keep her grounded too - sounds cheesy but we've brought her up to understand that money doesn't grow on trees and treats must be worked for.

If I'm honest, she struggles socially with kids her age but that's possibly more her personality than being an only - she's on the spectrum and quite a quirky kid so her peers don't really get her. But she's coping find at secondary school as she found other quirky kids 🤪

Its definitely not all doom and gloom, I can't imagine our family any other way and we couldn't have given her the opportunities we do if we'd chosen to have more.

I have secondary infertility so this is a refreshing thread! My dd is 5 and she is mostly 'easy' now. We're on holiday and can go for longish walks, take her to restaurants without worrying she'll be noisy etc. We're still ttc but I'm trying to notice the good things about having just one.

I'll add that my sister and I were close in age but fought all the time.

On the very few occasions I had mum to myself I wished my sister wouldn't come back!

A sibling doesn't always make a child happy.

DC (age 3) is currently loving learning to ride bike so it’s great being able to take bike to preschool pick up and ride home. Wouldn’t be able to do that with a younger sibling and I’d end up using the buggy or car.

I have never understood the angst over this. Sure I would have liked more than one child but it wasn't to happen, such is life

@EmergencyHydrangea the angst comes from society’s views & constantly being told (or people implying) that you’re selfish for stopping at one or that the child will be “a lonely only”.
I have a family member who loves to point out that I’m “making a mistake” only having one. And no she’s never bothered to actually ask or try to understand why I’m only having one. Not that it’s anyone’s business but my own

Anyway, let’s not derail this wonderful thread

@EmergencyHydrangea

I have never understood the angst over this. Sure I would have liked more than one child but it wasn't to happen, such is life

I think that's all down to us all being different. I desperately want a second child and am doing everything I can i.e. surgery and lots of ivf but I completely understand why a lot of people are happy with one, or none.

Back to the positives of having one. We're driving home from holiday and into hour 5 of being in the car (didn't need a roof rack or a tow bar etc) and my five year old is being good in the car. We've not even stopped for lunch (queues everywhere) and she's happy surviving on mini cheddars and apples in the back.

Oh I absolutely love just having one. He's so busy this summer, holiday clubs, camps, holiday away with us and family, days out with friends and cousins and some lovely days like today, when we just chill at home.

Pretty much everything is affordable, I don't have the logistical issue of having to consider other children. I have time for my own hobbies and interests.

It rules!!

That’s lovely @CasaBonita
I’ve read a couple of threads on here about people having unpleasant school holidays & the focus has been on sibling dynamics.

This is a lovely thread. I've had an idyllic summer with my seven year old and she's had a great time playing with friends and doing activities. I've been able to afford loads of activities which I might struggle to afford for more than one.

@Booboosweet that’s lovely.
My DD is only 3 and while I adore her I do still find spending time with her makes me anxious as she bolts and throws tantrums still. So I never quite relax. I’m hoping by 7 we’ll have some great days together

I don't regret my choice, although some days I wonder what child we'd have had if we'd had a second. It's not an option anymore and life is good and generally pretty easy. The last thing I want is to have a referee arguments and research shows only children turn out great.*

Exactly this!

I have one dd 9 but she is autistic and struggles massively with friendships, I can't help feeling a sibling would have helped with the loneliness.

@lollipoprainbow I’m sorry to hear that, but this thread is called Joys of One & it would be lovely to keep it positive A space to discuss the pleasures of one without any judgment or negative comments is certainly something I, as the parent of an only, need and I’m sure others do too.

Also I was reading only the other day about a parent of more than one, one of whom is autistic, and they are having a terrible time this summer holidays trying to balance differing needs of different children. It didn’t sound straightforward at all!

I also have an adult friend with an autistic sibling, and it’s made her life very very tricky over the years and now she faces some tough decisions as her parents age & are less able to support her sibling.

My DS has a summer job, has fitted in really well, gets on with his colleagues and been asked if he wants to come back next year. It is great to see him becoming a young man, quietly confident with a good circle of friends.
It took me a long time to ignore the judgment but he is just fine and so are we x

@GingerBreadTeddy pardon me ! It's just hard reading about only children having loads of friends.

@lollipoprainbow
For what it’s worth, I have 2 siblings myself, and I have almost nothing to do with either of them. I’ve always struggled to make friends and have very few friends and spend a lot of the time feeling lonely. Having siblings hasn’t helped at all!

@lollipoprainbow my ds is super confident etc but generally doesn’t have a lot of friends either, he gets overwhelmed in big crowds.
I believe being an only has given him confidence in his opinion as dh & I have time to sit and ask him and listen to his opinion and that’s made him comfortable talking to adults.
We believe he had adhd which I think adds to big group overwhelm and I get your concerns over friends as I’ve been there myself.
What a wonderful thread, especially as I have spent quite sometime when he was younger working he would be a ‘lonely only’.
Another advantage I’ve found is bedroom size, we all have a good size bedroom - with nobody having to have the ‘small room’

I thought of another last night.

My 3yr old often wakes in the night, but I don’t get stressed and she can just get in bed with DH and I if she wants. Whereas my friend with more kids is paranoid about her toddler waking in the night & waking the other kids, and obviously she can’t have all of them in bed with her!