My child isn't invited to my sisters wedding

[Kylie89]

Hi there I need some advice on how to handle a family dispute.
My sister has been the bride from hell since she was proposed too 2 years ago. Originally as we don't have a father she asked my
Mother to walk her down the isle. That later changed as my mum 'didn't show off the right impression' so she was replaced by a family friend. This isn't surprising given my mum wasn't the best mum she was a drug addict and had my Nan care for both my sister and I from the age of 10.
The next hurdle... lockdown! she's been restricted to 28 visitors. When this came to light I understood why children were the first to be removed along with partners however only on my sisters side, her partners niece and nephews are all attending. This was a bit to take it but I let it go as I'd already said it was alright prior knowing what her partner was doing. Now fast forward 4 weeks before the wedding and tragically my grandmother passed away 2 weeks ago and I'm utterly heartbroken she not only raised me but saved me from a hellish life with my mother as she did for my sister too. Taking all this into account I had assumed my daughter (my sisters only niece) would take my Nans place if my Nans place was going to be given to someone. I raised this with my sister and she abruptly told me she had given it to someone else. She's not spoken to me since and we have the funeral this week. Now isn't the right time for a family feud but I don't know what to do. We don't have a big family she can count her closest on one hand. I feel completely betrayed like my daughters been kicked to the curb. What to do!

Do you really want to go the the wedding yourself, @Kylie89? Are you sure you'll be able to find adequate childcare for your daughter on the day of the wedding? Will your sister be offended if you don't go?

If you were my friend, I would advise you not to make any rash decisions now. Your nan's death will have been a massive blow for you and your sister and few people behave well under stress.

You sound as though you have a small family. Do you really want to split from your sister and make it even smaller? Bide your time. Let yourself grieve.

I think it’s fair enough not to invite a tiny child when numbers are so limited. If she was 10+ it would be less understandable, but really your dd wouldn’t remember or understand it. We recently went to a wedding with my dcs (early teens) but the under 5 nieces weren’t asked. Their mother made such a fuss - the bride was v upset but stuck to it - or half her guests would have been too young to remember the day. Its tough but it is your sister’s day and the fact that your dd might have enjoyed it is irrelevant really in the circumstances.

Honestly as a parent of 2 dds who are older than yours I can say that I would not want a child under 5 at my wedding, they won't enjoy it and it's a waste of a place with the numbers so low.

Not inviting her isn't a personal thing, small children are exhausting (as much as I love my relatives) I would prefer to limit as many children as possible from going, they get bored and don't enjoy it

Get a sitter, go and enjoy your sisters special day.

I couldn't get worked up by this. Just respect it's her day and she can invite who she wants. If that's not for then politely decline. No need to have a row about it.

Also she may really not want small children there. I would hate to have small kids running around overvstimulated and then crying because they get over tired.

Your dd sounds amazing and perfect, which she will always be to you. However your sister does not have to include her to prove her love, it's an adult occasion.

Plus she'll probably be divorced in 10 years so you could probably sit it out

Not inviting her isn't a personal thing

Why is everyone assuming this is the case? The OP has had crap with her sister, she knows her and the way she works.
The groom has invited his young niece/nephew. The bride hasn't. This is personal.

Also for what it's worth none of my children were invited to any of my friends weddings, despite their other friends kids being invited, did I complain? No I sucked it up, got a sitter and had an amazing night.

No it's not personal if you have a limited amount of guests to go to an adult function, her partner has chosen his, and she is fine to invite whom she wants

She should either have a child-free wedding OR invite her niece and not just her fiancé’s nieces and nephews! I wouldn’t attend the wedding.

I think you should convince yourself to go to the wedding and meet and embrace her new DH family and use it as way to get to know them better without being distracted by your DD

That way getting to know them better will encourage them all to invite you and DD to future family events. Turn it into a positive and just have fun on the day.

And who knows maybe that's why they havent invited your DD for your benefit of letting your hair down.

@CutieBear

She should either have a child-free wedding OR invite her niece and not just her fiancé’s nieces and nephews! I wouldn’t attend the wedding.

I agree. I had a child free wedding except for my niece/nephew. My family are important to me.

Sounds like the OP's sister doesn't put the same importance on family as the OP does.

I wish this was just about the wedding but it stems deeper and this is just the turning point for me. I've supported my sister emotionally physically and financially over the years and never once seen any kind of help come from her direction not once. I'm not going to fall out with her equally I'm done making any kind of effort. I've finally realised she thinks more of her friends than she does of her family which is sad given I'm her only family as she is mine. She's not once thought about me being alone since the passing of our grandmother instead invited friends over for a meal the day after because that's what she wanted, She wants her friends and that's her choice but it's my choice now to stop making the effort. I will attend the hen party the wedding but I will do what I need to, show my face and then leave. She's driven this not me, ultimately I'm giving her what she wants a sidelined family.

@Hotcuppatea

If you were my friend, I would advise you not to make any rash decisions now. Your nan's death will have been a massive blow for you and your sister and few people behave well under stress.

You sound as though you have a small family. Do you really want to split from your sister and make it even smaller? Bide your time. Let yourself grieve.

I agree with this. It's sad that some posters are egging you on to trash your relationship.

The symbolism of your sister marrying is clearly poking around in some really deep wounds of yours but that's not actually your sister's fault.

Don't kick off and trash one of the few family relationships you have because you're grieving for your Nan and the family you don't have and her wedding is bringing home to you how much it hurts to have lost or never had those things.

Your sister is not the one responsible for your pain and loss, projecting it onto her and lashing out won't make it go away.

ultimately I'm giving her what she wants a sidelined family

I disagree. That's all your internal stuff being projected onto her. It is completely coming from you.

I've finally realised she thinks more of her friends than she does of her family

Complete projection based on how you feel inside and your trauma. You don't know what anybody thinks other than yourself.

She's not once thought about me being alone since the passing of our grandmother

Again, projection based on your own pain. You cannot possibly know what thoughts she has had. Don't punish her because she wasn't equipped to be the support you needed in this loss. Your aloneness is not her fault. How much pain it causes you is not her fault.

You both had severely traumatic childhoods and adult lives. You've both had a really shit time of it.

You're attaching huge amounts of symbolism and meaning based on how that trauma has affected you, and punishing her for thoughts you've decided she has because she doesn't behave how you want and need. Your internal, pre-existing pain is adding punches to things that wouldn't exist otherwise.

Your experience of trauma means you want her close and interpret behaviour in certain ways. Have you considered that her experience of trauma - given she is a different person and was a different age to you when your Nan took you in - means she sees things differently? Feels things differently? Interprets things differently?

Maybe finds it painful to do the things you want from her? Finds closeness painful? Can't cope with your grief alongside her own?

Just because she can't meet your needs in the way you want doesn't mean she doesn't care about you.

She kicks off at you because you can't meet her needs (and you get indignant about that because you don't recognise her needs), you kick off at her because she can't meet yours (and she gets indignant because she doesn't recognise yours). Where does that get you?

You feel how you feel and that is your right. She feels differently. But acting on those intense emotions in the way you intend is going to bring unnecessary extra pain into your life. Please don't do that to yourself, you've hurt enough.

I don't completely agree with your philosophy, if all our feelings and beliefs were just a projection of our own insecurities there wouldn't be people in the world taking responsibility for their actions simply blaming their history for their behaviour.
As I said before I'm here for advise and the fact I'm yet to act upon this says I'm prepared to look at it from every angle be reasonable and take my time. Equally I'm entitled to feel hurt and upset by someone's actions when they've been dealt with in a personal manner there's no need to be abrupt and dismissive when asking a question about whether my daughter can go to a wedding, an action results in a reaction ... hello reaction

Meh useralotofnumbers, all we can do is reflect on how we feel we are being treated and put boundaries in, when we feel treated badly. No matter what the sister feels or signals, what is important is what the recipient take from the behavior.

Fwiw op, do as you suggested, meet up and after that distance yourself a little. Sounds like you have been more invested in supporting than your sister.

@Kylie89

I don't completely agree with your philosophy, if all our feelings and beliefs were just a projection of our own insecurities there wouldn't be people in the world taking responsibility for their actions simply blaming their history for their behaviour. As I said before I'm here for advise and the fact I'm yet to act upon this says I'm prepared to look at it from every angle be reasonable and take my time. Equally I'm entitled to feel hurt and upset by someone's actions when they've been dealt with in a personal manner there's no need to be abrupt and dismissive when asking a question about whether my daughter can go to a wedding, an action results in a reaction ... hello reaction

I think you’re responding to a small situation in an out of proportion way, clealry due to pent up issues over time. Now is really not a good time to have it out with her, at a time of heightened emotions of grief and her wedding. These need to be sorted, but not right now.

@Kylie89

I know what her though process is...I've known her long enough, she's thinking a 3 year old child isn't worthy of a place that an adult would be more appreciative of the event and expense

To be honest, I do agree with this.

I'm really sorry for your loss, and your sister sounds like she could have been a lot gentler in her explanation to you. I can understand from her side however, that she only has a set amount of people attending and a three year old, whilst cute, wouldn't really even remember having been there. It would be a different case if there wasn't the strict number limit, but I can see how she might want to invite a close friend with the new space. I still think you should go, in time your feelings might settle but it will be hard on your relationship long term if you didn't attend her wedding over this. x

Her wedding, her choices. But you have a choice too. Personally I'd bin the hen do and the wedding. Just because she's your sister doesn't mean she gets to treat you badly. Would you accept this from a friend?

I don't think she's unreasonable to want her friends their instead of her niece.

I also don't think it's unreasonable for you to want your dd with you.

Personally I wouldn't go but get a nice thoughtful gift and genuinely wish her well.

You had a tough upbringing and it sounds like she's mentally leaving her family behind. All families branch off eventually so I wouldn't be bitter, you can do the same.

@Tambora

How many other relatives have been invited from your side of the family?

This was my thought.

Is there a similar number from each side even if her DP had more children going?