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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

My child isn't invited to my sisters wedding

78 replies

Kylie89 · 17/05/2021 14:14

Hi there I need some advice on how to handle a family dispute.
My sister has been the bride from hell since she was proposed too 2 years ago. Originally as we don't have a father she asked my
Mother to walk her down the isle. That later changed as my mum 'didn't show off the right impression' so she was replaced by a family friend. This isn't surprising given my mum wasn't the best mum she was a drug addict and had my Nan care for both my sister and I from the age of 10.
The next hurdle... lockdown! she's been restricted to 28 visitors. When this came to light I understood why children were the first to be removed along with partners however only on my sisters side, her partners niece and nephews are all attending. This was a bit to take it but I let it go as I'd already said it was alright prior knowing what her partner was doing. Now fast forward 4 weeks before the wedding and tragically my grandmother passed away 2 weeks ago and I'm utterly heartbroken she not only raised me but saved me from a hellish life with my mother as she did for my sister too. Taking all this into account I had assumed my daughter (my sisters only niece) would take my Nans place if my Nans place was going to be given to someone. I raised this with my sister and she abruptly told me she had given it to someone else. She's not spoken to me since and we have the funeral this week. Now isn't the right time for a family feud but I don't know what to do. We don't have a big family she can count her closest on one hand. I feel completely betrayed like my daughters been kicked to the curb. What to do!

OP posts:

SunflowersAndLavender · 17/05/2021 15:50

Okay well if she told you that and has gone back on it, that seems a horrible thing to do.

Just don't go.

Lorw · 17/05/2021 15:52

Have you thought about the fact she would have already paid for the adult place so therefore wanted to replace your nan with an adult? She will be upset about your nans passing too and I think feuds shouldn’t be created over something that’s not worth it, your daughter won’t remember or appreciate it and weddings aren’t that fun for children.

Original poster

Kylie89 · 17/05/2021 15:54

I do hear everyone here, however please note I've been reasonable with my sister and simply told her I'm disappointed that my daughter is uninvited, there's been a string of events that has resulted in my family and me personally being excluded from this wedding and I've always been understanding, took a breath and carried on. We all to a degree impose our own expectations when attending events and when they are so very restricted those expectations become more intense. My sister has been difficult and I've put myself out no end to support her. Like I said I'm here for advise because I don't want to lose my sh*t and say something I may regret equally I've had enough. There's only so many times you can be pushed away before you stop making the effort

OP posts:

Flowers500 · 17/05/2021 15:54

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I think you need to calm emotions a little bit at what is a really tough time. Remember that a lockdown wedding with limited numbers is the last thing she wants, so please cut her a lot of slack here. Your daughter won’t remember the wedding and it sounds like she wants to have you there to support her rather than engaged with childminding. It’s not necessarily up to her who that place goes to, if they have someone as a couple that is just missing out then it may well make more sense than a child who is too young to enjoy.

People make nice plans to celebrate with her separately. Please remember the bigger picture here and the love for your sister. Yes it sounds like she is probably being a bit selfish but you’re all going through a very tough time.

Flowers500 · 17/05/2021 15:56

I’m wondering if she might be sensitive/upset about her family situation, when at a small wedding where it has to be directly compared with her fiancé’s? Like seeing her own family difficulties in sharp relief, and almost having a grieving process for what she went through as a child.

Original poster

Kylie89 · 17/05/2021 16:03

@Flowers500

She had my mum giving her away, my daughter as a flower girl and me as a bridesmaid. Albeit I was an after thought months after she'd settled on the her 3 friends being bridesmaids. Her family isn't being difficult here, she's making the decision to exclude them. Whether it's through embarrassment or not we're trying.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 17/05/2021 16:04

I don't think she's wrong in this situation. She has her 14 invites and can divvy them out as she chooses. She may have decided that a friend of 10/15 years is more important to her than her neice of 4 years. That's tough to hear. I can understand why you are hurt....but equally I can see your sisters side.

Just take a deep breath and go to the wedding to support her.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 17/05/2021 16:06

Its not really a dispute. You just don't agree with who she chose to attend her wedding.

Given that they have 14 spaces each, its unfair to play the "they invited other children" card. Her DP chose to include children in his allocated spaces.

A 3/4 year old won't know, or care about a wedding at all. Your sisters friend/relative who she chose to attend will care far more.

Don't go if you don't care about the relationship, but she has done nothing wrong here. I don't envy any of the couples making these decisions in covid times. So many fall outs on a day that's supposed to be about the couple.

Coronawireless · 17/05/2021 16:12

It’s her day. She’s thinking of herself rather than her niece who won’t remember any of it. Support her. There’ll be other days for your child. Don’t miss the wedding and cause possibly irreversible upset. You’d look back in a year and be aghast that you ever thought something so small was worth that!

Allthereindeersaregirls · 17/05/2021 16:16

I suspect they've split the guest list 14 each and he chose his niece and nephews and your sister prioritised other people. I don't think either is wrong, particularly with such limited numbers and if they had originally wanted a large wedding. I personally don't think any 4yo trumps an adult at a (enforced) small wedding, a 4yo will not enjoy or value it in the same way.

Viviennemary · 17/05/2021 16:18

If you feel strongly about it don't go. Its cheeky she asked somebody else instead of your DD.

Original poster

Kylie89 · 17/05/2021 16:22

It is her decision whether I like it or not, she's made that choice and I have to deal with it. I don't like how shes handled the situation shes been abrupt, dismissive and ignorant. Personally I would of had more respect for the whole thing had she of spoken to me first explained the situation and her thoughts. I get she doesn't have to do this either but with the bigger picture in mind a conversation can avoid a lot heartache.

OP posts:

rooarsome · 17/05/2021 16:23

With the additional info you've provided I don't think you would be unreasonable to decline the invitation.

MissyB1 · 17/05/2021 16:29

As you are a single parent I think it would be miserable to go without your dd. Don’t fall out with your sister but just tell her you haven’t got any childcare. Wish her all the best for a wonderful day.

Coronawireless · 17/05/2021 16:29

I can understand why you’re upset. Your dd would probably love the day and you would enjoy seeing her pleasure. Especially as it’s just the two of you and it sounds as if special days out are few and far between atm. It’s hard to see her being denied this one.
But numbers ARE limited. Maybe your sis could be a bit nicer about it - is she usually a bit self-centred? That may be a battle for another day but her wedding day is not the right battle to pick - for your own sake! You’d feel dreadful down the line.
Is there any other way your dd could be involved? Could she meet your sis in her dress before the wedding? And/or you meet your sis for lunch after the wedding where you show the photos to your dd and maybe present her with a slice of the cake?

toocold54 · 17/05/2021 16:35

It’s her wedding and she can have what she likes BUT surely it’s all children or no children. It’s not fair that the husbands siblings are bringing their children but you can’t bring yours.

I would mention say anything until after the funeral (I’d even make amends) then when that’s done say you won’t be going.

Bibidy · 17/05/2021 16:37

@Kylie89

I know what her though process is...I've known her long enough, she's thinking a 3 year old child isn't worthy of a place that an adult would be more appreciative of the event and expense

I agree with her, sorry.

It may be that she (or the groom) had a close friend they hadn't been able to invite. I would prioritise that over my 3-year-old niece, unless it was the case that you couldn't find childcare and wouldn't be able to attend yourself if you couldn't bring her with you, which doesn't seem to be the case?

Allthereindeersaregirls · 17/05/2021 16:39

I know what her though process is...I've known her long enough, she's thinking a 3 year old child isn't worthy of a place that an adult would be more appreciative of the event and expense

And I think she is right.

Summersnake · 17/05/2021 16:44

I think sunflowers and lavender has hit the nail on the head

Original poster

Kylie89 · 17/05/2021 16:44

My daughter would absolutely love it she loves nothing more than a party, she loves to dance, sing and get involved. And to have that memory would be priceless even though she might not remember much there'll be photos and videos for all the family to look back on. And it is sad that I will be there alone, no daughter no partner with a lot of people I don't know. In all honesty I can't wait for the day to be done and dusted.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 17/05/2021 16:45

@toocold54

It’s her wedding and she can have what she likes BUT surely it’s all children or no children. It’s not fair that the husbands siblings are bringing their children but you can’t bring yours.

I would mention say anything until after the funeral (I’d even make amends) then when that’s done say you won’t be going.

Maybe there's a reason why though - perhaps the other parent can't attend as they have no childcare options, or they would refuse to attend if their kids weren't invited, or the groom is just closer to those children. Or the 11 year old would be upset not to attend and so they have to invite their siblings along as well, whereas they know OP's daughter is too little to mind.

I think there are lots of reasons why it could have turned out this way.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2021 16:47

If you can get childcare, I would go despite the broken promise. She may look back on this period and realise she was being unkind with you.

We’ve all been through a difficult period and she is also upset about her grandma (who was more like a mum to her) dying. Right now you’re both gripped with grief. You should be coming together, not pushing away from one another.

As for being a difficult bride, she wants someone to give her away and she doesn’t anyone available. I don’t think it’s being difficult to choose your addicted mum then change her mind. Have you thought about how stressful this is for her? And how having your mum around is amplified as she has so few guests and therefore awkward people can be less easily dealt with or diluted?

Do your sister a favour and don’t be an awkward person even if she’s being awkward with you.

SpindleWhorl · 17/05/2021 16:54

[she] did say should a space become available my daughter could go

And that's what this is all about really. You reasonably expected ... and she said something she didn't mean. But she's paying; it's her bash. Tricky.

What would your nan suggest?

fruitbrewhaha · 17/05/2021 16:55

She is probably being abrupt because she know you'd be upset, was was getting in first so to speak.

So you would have loved the memory of your DD being there, but you can't expect your sister to feel the same way.

It must be a nightmare trying to organise a wedding with the restrictions in place, she is having to compromise. There will be plenty of other memories you can make with your daughter yourself.

MrsDoctorDear · 17/05/2021 16:56

I wouldn't go, sounds like she'd give somebody else your place without a moment's thought.

She's a bitch not inviting her niece when other kids are invited. You've had 2 years of this crap, put a stop to it now.

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