Too old at 45?

[CrispyMonster]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum... if not, please let me know! It's my first time posting.

I guess I'm looking for confirmation that I'm too old to have a second child at 45. I have a healthy 5 y/o who I conceived naturally at 40 after 2 rounds of failed IVF. I met my OH later in life at 36 and we married at 38, so we started late in terms of children.

We would love a second, but I just know that every month, it feels like I need to accept my limitations and give up. Our DC would be a great older sibling and this sounds silly, but I worry he will be lonely in his later years (I grew up with a big family but OH was an only child and says DC will be fine!).

We are both healthy and fit (exercise, eat healthily etc etc) but I assume my egg level must be non-existent at 45 (too scared to check or ask anyone!). My egg level at 40 was apparently "excellent" but IVF didn't produce anything. And I'm too scared to go through it all again. I had an amazing pregnancy with my DC - no complications at all.

So, I guess I'm just looking for confirmation that having a child at 45 is stupid and that I should concentrate on my beautiful 5 y/o and OH and enjoy it while I can! Unless someone tells me otherwise....

Please be nice... thanks.

If your body is able to concieve and carry a baby to full term then your not old!
I assume you have been trying? X

It’s very personal and don’t think anyone on the internet can tell you what’s right for you. Arm yourself with all the facts and weigh up the risks involved to make a decision.

@CrispyMonster I know exactly what your going through.

I'm 42. I had a healthy baby girl at 40. I'm also weighing up if I'm too old to have another at 42. I'm healthy so is my hubby. He's the same age.

I did ask this in another post wether 42 was too old and got the response that if you are healthy and have already carried a baby to full term with no complications then it's not too old. Others have said that after 40 it's a complete risk...

I think you should also ask yourself if you want another child not just a sibling for your first child.

@CrispyMonster just wondering if you had made a decision?

Hi @Mumma90, sorry for not replying. We are trying but in all honestly, it's been a while (just under a year) and I've kinda given up hope... each month is a disappointment but I'm learning to come to terms with it. I know that it's to do with my age but I still have this small (tiny, fading) hope it might happen. We are both healthy and I had absolutely no complications with my first DC but I know that doesn't mean it'll be plain sailing if I do get preggers with a second one.
What about you? It's so difficult, isn't it?
Sending you lots of love, hope and fingers crossed that it works out for you 🤞 x

Hi, just wanted to say, dont give up hope if it's what you want. I had dd2 2 months before my 45th birthday, straightforward pregnancy and she is wonderful. It took us a year of trying, and she was conceived naturally.
I actually went to the doctor after about 6 months of trying and she was reluctant to do any tests. She said I'd had a baby in my 40s already (dd1 aged 41), and she didn't want to stress me out further. Funnily enough, she was conceived in the summer holidays!
All the best with everything.

@CrispyMonster we are really considering having another but very conscious time is not on our side....I think we are just going to go with the flow and if it happens - it happens 

@Helbelle75 that gives us all hope! And can I ask, did the Doctor say as you had conceived so easily first time it was likely you would the next?? Did you try for 12 months? Just makes me wonder if it will take us a while. Took us around 9 months with DD.

Honestly, I'd go and have an egg reserves check, take Co Q10 and keep trying but try not to mentally over invest. It would be a shame to not enjoy what you have because of wondering what you could have.

I'm 40 single and not given up hope!

@mumma90 yes, she said as I'd had a healthy baby not too long ago she wasn't worried.
I was - it only took us 2 months to conceive dd1, so a year was a lot.longer than I was expecting. It's all worked out perfectly really, were very lucky.
My best friend had her first at 41 too, and is expecting her second in June when she'll be 43.
There are a lot of us over 40 mums about.

^we're

I just had a baby at Christmas and I'm 43. I know every month matters at this age though. If you want a sibling for your DC there's no harm in trying. But only you can know that.

@CrispyMonster.. i"d say just go for it! I was 3 months off 41 when I had DS. I always wanted another but it never happened and sadly I'm 49 and have given up. Every month goes by with its hoping and then inevitable disappointment. I know DS would have been a great older brother and just writing this makes me feel awful. He's 7 now and doesn't seem sad about not having a sibling and I try to hold onto tthat.Plus practically we were never in the right position to be able to have another and it was a miracle we had DS as we were trapped in rented damp accommodation. So it has been difficult and I was so tired when I had DS after a traumatic birth, it just never happened.
So anyway I wish you luck with whatever you decide. Don't regret it like me! This time is so precious.

@CrispyMonster

Hi *@Mumma90*, sorry for not replying. We are trying but in all honestly, it's been a while (just under a year) and I've kinda given up hope... each month is a disappointment but I'm learning to come to terms with it. I know that it's to do with my age but I still have this small (tiny, fading) hope it might happen. We are both healthy and I had absolutely no complications with my first DC but I know that doesn't mean it'll be plain sailing if I do get preggers with a second one. What about you? It's so difficult, isn't it? Sending you lots of love, hope and fingers crossed that it works out for you 🤞 x

Hi ! I’ve been TTC since I was 46 and am nearly 48 now and no luck Conceived easily in my 30s and last time at 39

Still holding out hope though! You’re not too old if you can conceive so follow your heart ! Good luck x

Hi Crispy

I did, for very similar reasoning to you. It’s been fabulous and I’m glad we kept on keeping on.

Wishing you only the best.

Really interesting reading everyone's different experiences....

I feel like I'm going to give it try for a second. I'm 42.
I had my DD 2 weeks after my 40th

Thank you so, so much for your really uplifting posts (hate the word 'uplifting' but couldn't think of a better one!). I really appreciate all of your thoughts and stories of you all having children at an 'older' age. I'm going to keep trying and fingers crossed we get lucky. If not, then I'm grateful for our cute little DC and wouldn't change that for the world.
Thanks again - MN is great x

P.S. Maybe let's try to keep in touch to see how we are all doing and give words of encouragement (or just words of... "go get a big glass of wine if it's been a shit day/month....")! 🍷 x

I have a 5 year old and I turn 45 next week ...I do worry about him being lonely in older age when I'm not around but I know that I couldn't have another one now xxxxx I do worry tho xxx

I wouldn't. Not because of age necessarily, although dealing with a toddler in your late 40s sounds horrific. Two changes the dynamic so, so much. Life is much more straightforward with one, you have plenty of time, money and more energy. Your environmental impact is lessened. The planet looks a bleak place for our children in the future and we need to act now. Of course he'll be fine as an only both now and as an adult. So I say 100% quit while you're ahead and embrace your lovely life just as it is.

I'm 42 and have 2 older children by exHusband. My partner has never had children and would dearly love one. We're 10 months in TTC and nothing yet. It's very hard not to become despondent. I waver between que sera sera and a manic need to conceive. It makes me appreciate how easy I had it 15 years ago. I wish you the very best

I am going to be very boring but have you considered when you want to retire?

If you get pregnant now and have the baby at 46 you will reach retirement age while they are still at uni. You haven’t said how old your partner is so that might have an effect as well.

You might have to alter retirement plans etc...

I’m 44 and have a 16 &14 year old, don’t underestimate the work needed during the teenage years. Do you have any friend/ colleagues in their 60s? Have a look at them and their lifestyle and then add teenagers into the mix.

Advise is only that and you have to make the right decision for you. Good luck however you decide.

Hi OP. I could have written your post and am wondering the same myself at 44 but had a couple of losses which were traumatic and not sure I can do it again and the age gap with my dd is bigger (9)

We might just see what happens with low expectations but i know how hard it is to draw a line under it

Hi I’m in a similar position, had dc at 39 and desperately wanting dc2. Currently 44. Miscarried 4 times since I’ve had him.

In terms of retirement, I already have a 5 year old so everything has pushed back anyway. I would have loved to have children earlier and be able to retire on time so to speak but some things you have no control over.

Hi, I'm 42 and in a similar position with 1 child.
Unless I have another child it looks like I will be spending the next few years hoping and trying to come to terms with the monthly disappointment until I reach the menopause, it's far from an ideal life.

In a similar situation... Had DS at 41 and then started trying in earnest for no. 2 at 43. Since had failed ivf and 2 miscarriages following natural conception. I'm realising I don't want to go through this anymore. It's very painful though... it seems as though everyone has 2 children playing together in parks etc when we go out. I wish you the best and hope that you have a happy family no matter what the size x