It's that topic again :)

[summerinthecity22]

One and done...so why do I keep revisiting the idea of having another?

Is it because my DD is nearly 2.5year and it feels easier - well despite the terrible twos

I keep thinking I want to try for another but when Ive been on play dates or play groups and see other mums with two..I'm glad I just have one...

But people cope?

Why am I so afraid?

I don't want DD to be lonely but I want her to have fun and do things that I have the energy for now...

It's so so hard.

Any experience shared be much appreciated

@summerinthecity22.. if you've got time on your side I'd say go for it! I was nearly 41 when I had my one and only and I wish so much I had tried harder for another. DS is not a lonely child as he has friends who live close to us but as I've got older my guilt has got worse and the 'what if's' keep mr me awake at night. I long to do it all again.

Good luck whatever you decide x

I'd 100% stick with one.

@BooseysMom oh gosh..can I ask why you have regret? Is it just because you thought you should have another? It is such a personal choice but if you first is happy, has friends - that sounds enough.

@missmouse101 You have to tell me more! What's your story? Did you have one and done?

I could have written this, pretty much the same story, DD 2.5 I love our bond as a family of 3, I love that we can just go with doing whatever and when days out are a thing again only one to please, I find her easy to look after.
Also the idea of maternity pay and then nursery fees again when ours will drop in September is off putting. Plus she's just perfect, I feel a bit better the devil you know, if I love our lives now why risk changing that.

But our families are small, she has no 1st cousins and only one uncle. I worry if something happens to us its a lot to deal with alone. Also as much as me and my DB fought growing up it was nice having company at parties, on holiday etc. Also although I found the first 6 months hard, ive loved the last 2 years and would like to get to do all that again, but then would that be the same when occupying a 3 year old as well? Time really isn't on our side so really need to make a decision (ideally need to have decided a year ago ) and for the last 6 months DH alternates daily between wanting a second and not. He likes the idea but doesn't think he'd like the reality so I feel like I need to decide firmly want i want and make peace with my decision.
That's assuming we can even have a second, it might not even be our decision to make.

I dont understand how people know so confidently they want a second, that also makes me think if we were definitely missing someone I'd definitely know I wanted one I've driven myself mad with this the last few months.

@Miarara oh my goodness! These are exactly the same thoughts as I'm having and have been having..

I also found the first 6 months really hard. But now my DD is nearly 2.5 I'm like "yeah I can do it all again"...

I am also really interested in knowing how couples make a firm decision to have another.

I thought I knew what to expect when I had my DD but I knew nothing!!! And she is a pretty easy going baby!

I also need to hurry up and make a decision. I am also enjoying having somewhat of a tiny bit of my life again with an evening with hubby - DD sleeps ok at night on the whole now - that could also change!!!

What's wrong with me

Pregnancy was great, the birth was shit and left a lot of long lasting damage. I could physically have another, but my pain threshold isn't high enough.

DS had colic for 8 months so he was a screaming bag of pain.

He has no off-switch, walked at 9mo (doctor didn't believe us in his 9m check up, until we put him down and he ran about!). He's 9yo now and still very energetic.

My Dsis and I have always had a shit relationship, she's 2 years older, so having another doesn't guarantee happy siblings that get on. As for being alone when we're old, I'm in the EU, Dsis in NZ, parents separated and live at opposite ends of the UK - having DC doesn't mean they won't bugger off when they're older!

DS has a bunch of friends (from school, DH's godson is very close, kids from our old neighbourhood we still hang out with, a cousin) so I know he won't be lonely.

My hope for the future his that DS has a good partner and the same close friends do that when DH and I shuffle off, he has that support system.

Very, very happy to have one child. And a dog

What ever is wrong with you is wrong with me too I really would love to understand how people decide! I know what you mean about sleep too. She's sleepsnow, it's amazing. Urgh I just wish I had a crystal ball!

My DP is an only and has never minded it. I have a sibling who made my life a misery and we are NC. So if you decide to have another do it for you and not your daughter.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you! My second was an accidental pregnancy and if it hadn't been I don't think I would have ever made the decision. I had awful pregnancies which took quite a toll (I'm certainly done now).

I think that an only becomes quite an intense experience as they get older, my niece is an only and on holidays and weekends she needs entertaining in a way my two don't as much. Having said that now she's older, secondary age, that's becoming less of an issue as she becomes more independent. I really didn't ever get on with my own brother and we stopped talking to each other when I was about 12, so siblings are no guarantee of companionship, although I think my experience is rare.

There isn't a right or wrong decision - my experience of a second baby was that it was easier because I knew what I was doing and harder because I had a toddler that never slept. It was certainly very different to my first.

It's a tough one. I'm also sitting on the fence at the moment. I didn't have a great pregnancy and found the first 18 months really hard, but have enjoyed it since then although I do find the toddler tantrums very testing! I love our family of three, we can manage financially, and now we all sleep better we have a better quality of life. I have no actual desire to have a second, but I hate the idea of my child being lonely (no first cousin's either) and I also feel sad about not experiencing all the stages again. We also need to hurry up and make a decision because of our age and it's also playing on my mind as the older we are the more exhausting it will be.

Thank you so much for all your reply's...I didn't think anyone would answer 😊

I'm just so on the fence...how do mums cope with a newborn and a typical busy toddler. Will I not be able to give my gorgeous DD enough attention? It's just been us three and I'm torn about having to divide time...how do people cope? Oh it's such a hard decision. Hardest decision of my life! Well feels that way!

Let's have a Christmas chocolate 😊

Hi OP, currently here feeding my 6wk old whilst my 3yr old is crafting (my house looks like a hobbycraft bomb hit it). Just to share some thoughts:

Is it hard, yes but my 3yr old attends nursery a few dats a week which gives me that undivided time with my newborn.
We waited 3yrs so My eldest is more independent and can wait 5mins pull etc to be fed, entertained whilst I deal with the baby.
Equally the baby does sometimes have to cry- my first never cried because I catered to her every need within 3 seconds. But if my eldest needs help on the loo, sometimes the youngest cry’s. You learn to roll with it - and time is flying past compared to my first mat leave.
The sleep aspect has hit me far less than the first time, maybe because I haven’t had a full deep 8 hrs undisturbed sleep for years anyway
On days my LO is home I often put the baby in the sling to help with colouring or to make cakes. Sometimes I resort to too much paw patrol but it won’t be forever.

Personally I always felt that to have an only child you either need an introverted child or an extrovert parent. I didn’t relish the idea of having to arrange play dates for my child to get kid play time, or being my child’s only play mate.
My neighbour left trying for her second until her eldest was 4, she’s 43 and sadly it hasn’t happened; so whilst I say don’t rush the decision do be realistic.

When you have a second you wonder what you did with your time when you had your first, it's so different I think because you know what you're doing, and you just have to work round the toddler.
There was a lot of strapping the baby on the sling or buggy in order to do things with the big one. Who suddenly isn't a baby anymore and grows up so much the minute the baby comes.

Not going to lie there are tough days, the ones where everyone is fed and wrapped up to go out and the someone wets themselves or the nappy leaks so you have to start again... DH came home a couple of times to find all three of us in tears... I spent a fair amount of time stopping dc1 from killing dc2, but mostly it was fine, everyone survived and now they're 13 & 10 and I don't see as much of them as I'd like but we've got a lovely dynamic.

Personally I always felt that to have an only child you either need an introverted child or an extrovert parent. I didn’t relish the idea of having to arrange play dates for my child to get kid play time, or being my child’s only play mate.

This concerns me as I wouldn't say I'm shy but I'm not really an extrovert.

Any one child families share their experience? This does make me feel guilty.

Yes we were going to playgroups and having play dates before the current situation but am I doing enough?

Oops that first paragraph should have been in quotes... it didn't do that

@summerinthecity22

BooseysMom oh gosh..can I ask why you have regret? Is it just because you thought you should have another? It is such a personal choice but if you first is happy, has friends - that sounds enough.

Sorry just realised I haven't replied. Yes I regret it as I thought I should have another so that DS has a sibling and also be cause I wanted to be pregnant again. It was a lovely pregnancy (apart from the endless heartburn!) and a terrible birth so if I had a second it would have to be by c section.
I am lucky that DS has friends who live by us he plays with and i notice the ones who are siblings never play together anyway! He never says he wants a sibling. But i'm 48 now and as it's never going to happen I feel really sad and can't find peace within myself.
I hope you manage to find the right path for you..sometimes these things just happen without you deciding.

I wasn't sure. Ended up with a 5.5yr age gap and it's great. My friend has a 4.7year age gap (so first child also a school when baby arrived). Game changer I think.

@BooseysMom oh I think your son is very very lucky having such a great mum. Sounds like he is very happy and has lots of friends. I don't think you need to feel guilty or have regret.

I am swaying more to just sticking with one. I love our team of three and I think I'll have more energy to do more things with DD. Sleepless nights and a newborn might impact our relationship. Have to think of that as well!

@summerinthecity22.. thank you.what you say is really touching and has brought tears to my eyes!

So you think then just one is right for you? The more I think about it, the more I feel that our family of 3 is the right dynamic and I just really really need to stop beating myself up over it!!

I'm "one and done" as the childcare fees are manageable and we have disposable income to do nice things with DD and never worry about being able to afford new clothes and holidays etc.
My DD is 2.5 now and I can't imagine going through the newborn stage again (although I loved every minute).

Ours are 5 and the second is 10 months. They are absolutely gorgeous together. I never felt a maternal instinct or pull so having two was a rational decision if you see what I mean. Both times. So perhaps my experience sheds some light - I am myself an only child. Growing up, in a different country than the UK, I didn’t have cousins around. I was the centre of adult attention - indeed my father was firmly opposed to more than one child and as a mathematician thought about it in economic terms. He repeatedly said one child allows a concentration of resources from parents. And in that he is and was right. I enjoyed the best of things they could afford. I stand to inherit all they have. The finances were spot on.

But.

I recall a profoundly lonely childhood. When I look back and think about my childhood the loneliness grew as I grew from child to teen. When my parents split acrimoniously when I was 15 I felt the loneliness so acutely. Today, as they age, and I myself have small children in a different continent I am feeling the burdens of their aging on my own single shoulders. When I look back, dad was right in financial terms, but everything isn’t about money.

My parents themselves were 5 kids, and 3 kids. My spouse is 1 of 3. Sure - as adults they aren’t all that close and bonded but in difficult times the load is shared and childhood was fun. Whilst everyone cites siblings may not get on, the vast majority I saw sort of rubbed on ok.

This made me tilt very firmly towards having two.yes the childcare costs are huge and it’s hard. But I do not regret it.

I am actually at the hospital where I had DS 7 years ago and getting pangs of nostalgia. I was adamant I was never going back for another go! But I wish I had now. It really doesn't help my trying to come to terms with things.

I was “one and done” for a while, after a horrific HG pregnancy, a painful labour and a baby who screamed at me non stop for the first 6+ months and wasn’t the easiest toddler. Mostly I didn’t think I could survive another pregnancy, especially with a toddler to consider.

I’m now sitting here with my 7 week old on my lap and it was absolutely the right decision for us.

My eldest hit his second birthday and suddenly I wanted another one. Yes, the pregnancy was hellish again but I was mentally better prepared and knew it would pass. Yes, it’s a juggling act with a baby and a toddler (almost exact 3 yr age gap). Yes I’m tired again but this time, I know everything is temporary and will get easier.

I can’t put the 7 week old down now, but I know that should slowly get easier by around 12 weeks onwards.

I’m dealing with night wakes again, but I know sleep will return again one day and while it feels like forever at the time, it isn’t. Also my second is a much better sleeper so far (although I’m aware this may not last after the 4 month sleep regression!). He’s a happier, more relaxed baby too...although has his moments.

We’ll be starting over with nursery fees again, including a 9 month overlap before the eldest starts school. However his 3 ye funding kicks in next month which gives us a big financial buffer so we have a whole year before the baby starts nursery to save up to make that period easier. I keep reminding myself that we’ll only have two tough years until the youngest gets his 3 yr funding, then everything will be easier - plus we’re used to paying out for nursery fees monthly anyway so won’t be much different.

I wasn’t sure how anyone could love another child as much as their first, I just loved him so much. Someone told me that your heart grows, so there’s twice as much love (not half each!) and I’ve found that so true. I love this little one just as much and in a few short years, the baby and toddler years will have passed and I’ll have 4 and 7 yr old, or 7 and 10 yr olds to enjoy spending time with, without nappies and tantrums and naps to worry about.

We didn’t have another baby to give our eldest a sibling, we had another because we wanted another child. But when I see my 3 yr old interacting with his baby brother, my heart just melts. It’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen and I really hope they will be close as they grow up.

I think you need to really work out why you might want another baby. If you want to have a larger family, then go for it. Yes, it’s hard going in the early years but it won’t last forever. Every 6 months or so, it’ll get easier, and by the time the youngest is 2-3 yrs old, you’ll likely feel the same as you do about your current child and how much more manageable life is. If you are just doing it because you feel guilty that your child doesn’t have a sibling, that’s not a great reason by itself. They might not be close, there’s no way to know. You have to have a baby because you and your partner want it.

Just to add, so many of my friends have a 2 year age gap as I cannot imagine how they did it! Probably because they didn’t have a pregnancy like mine. No way could we have managed with a pregnancy with a 13 month old. Not a chance. And I didn’t much fancy juggling a 2 yr old and a baby. For us, the 3 yr age gap was vital and made everything more manageable. He was a ball of emotion a 2 yrs old. Now at 3 yrs, his communication is brilliant, his comprehension is great too, he’s toilet trained and can do that completely independently (aside from wiping his bottom), he can follow instructions (when he wants to 🤣), he can understand when he has to wait and why. And yes, the nursery funding too. I would never have coped with a 2 year age gap, but 3 works for us. So if your concern is more “how would I cope” rather than “do I actually want another child?”, then a larger gap might be the answer.

Sorry, last point. I’ve totally found the baby thing easier this time around. My DS1 was such a shock to the system. This time, I know what to expect, I know what I’m doing to some extent, I’m more confident and more laid back. I know it’s not the end of the world if the baby cries for a few minutes while I’m wiping the 3 year olds bum etc. Less time to focus specifically on the baby, because you’re juggling an older kid, is actually helpful as you don’t overthink everything. And at the end of the day, if you’ve had a terrible night, there’s always the sofa and CBeebies!