It's that topic again :)

[summerinthecity22]

One and done...so why do I keep revisiting the idea of having another?

Is it because my DD is nearly 2.5year and it feels easier - well despite the terrible twos

I keep thinking I want to try for another but when Ive been on play dates or play groups and see other mums with two..I'm glad I just have one...

But people cope?

Why am I so afraid?

I don't want DD to be lonely but I want her to have fun and do things that I have the energy for now...

It's so so hard.

Any experience shared be much appreciated

I'm in a very similar position OP. DS is 2y8m now and I just turned 40. I also have some underlying health issues, though not to the extent that it would be 'inadvisable' for me to get pregnant again.

However, DH is certain he doesn't want us to have another baby - at least biologically. He would potentially consider adoption. This is mainly because DS was poorly when he was born and was rushed to NICU and it was very traumatic.

I am really torn. As a PP said, I don't really have a physical urge to have another baby for myself, which really surprises me. I was desperate to have a baby before DS came along, but I think he has satisfied my biological urge to procreate. My reasons for wanting another one are that I don't want DS to be lonely, I feel that a family of 3 is a bit small, and as dramatic as this sounds, I fear that if anything were to happen to DS I would fall apart without another child to have to pick myself up for.

On the other hand, the thought of going back to the beginning is daunting. Financially I can already see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are all getting a decent amount of sleep and DH and I both manage to get some time to ourselves. Also my health did take a bit of a weird turn after having DS and i would worry about that happening again. Finally, at my age, I would worry about the increased risk of pregnancy loss or other complications. A big part of me thinks I should count my blessings and quit whilst I'm ahead.

Then again I think how much DS would love a baby sibling and how cute newborns are....

It's really tough! In my case I think it DH were keen, I would certainly do it. However he's not, so the decision in my case is whether I feel strongly enough to try to persuade him. And I'm not sure that would be fair on him (and I don't think it would work either...).

Sorry, this ended up being long. But it helps to write it all down!

Only you can decide, but thought I'd mention that having siblings doesn't always mean they'll be emotionally close with each other.

I feel for you OP, it's so hard and I don't know how anyone comes to the decision, I'm expecting my second and was very "meh" about having another one, DD will be 5 by the time this one comes along and most days I think I've made a mistake!

I hope you make peace with whatever you decide, and can also understand your questioning of how do people even decide? I think if my OH didn't want another then I wouldn't have bothered

Thank you so much for your honest and heartfelt replies. If only people we knew in the "real world" were this honest

I'm still on the fence even though I said I wasn't...iim going to give it some real thought once Christmas is out the way.
I do think many of you are right that I should have another child because we want to and not for/ playmate for our DD.

I would love to hear how those with One ensured their DD or DS had enough friends or made friends...want did you do socially (of course before this terrible year) to make sure they made a good circle of friends? Or maybe it's like having two - it just happens naturally and you don't have to make a more conscious effort.

I am in a similar situation as you. have a 3year old DS and have spent a lot of time trying to meet people/make friends etc to ensure he has friends to play with. DS is super outgoing and runs into the playground shouting where are my friends.

This is also the age that his friends now all have a little sibling and I can see things changing. Whereas before we would always see our local friends - now they have two they frequently just say they cant face going out with both of them and they might just let them play at home. I do worry - because while DS does play with us at home unless he goes out he doesnt interact with another child. Our family is nearby but no other kids as my sibling is ten years younger than me so by the time they have kids, DS will be way too old really.

I am 40 so would really need to start trying now for a 2nd. Honestly, if it wasnt for my worries about DS being lonely, I would stick to one. We both work full time, have ok job but live in London - so with one, we could have an ok lifestyle without money worries, holidays etc maybe even private school but with two we would have to move house, more childcare etc and money would be tight. Not sure what we'll do. Maybe give it a go and see how it goes. It took us four years to have DS so it's no guarantee that we would ever manage to get another.

P.S. in answer to your question re.making friends. Am fully aware that especially in the early years, it will be very important to meet/make local friends with kids, get DS to joint lots of clubs and have lots of playdates at home even though I might not always feel like it. Was talking to DH about his childhood - and he mostly just played with his brother on the weekends, holidays -this wouldnt be an option for DS so will have to make more of an effort. Where we currently live in London - there are also quite a few foreign families without relatvies/established friends so that makes it easier in terms of DS making connections cos not everyone is off to see their family on the weekends. Equally, I have tried to stick to areas that are urban/cosmopolitan with lots of places for DS to meet other kids. SO unlike some of our friends, we are currently not planning to move out of London to more rural areas cos I feel like we need facilities etc - walking in the countryside/beach is fun if you have a big family but not if you are on your own. So yes, I guess having only one DS has had an impact.

I was also sort of an only child - there's a ten year gap with my sibling so honestly for most of my childhood (and same for them) - I was effectively an only child. What my parents did that was amazing was to go back to the same place on holidays - so in the summer we moved to a summer house and I had the same friends to play with year in year out - this was amazing. I also spent a lot of time playing outside with my friends. Coincidently, a lot of my friends were also only children so it worked out great.

@racletteyum sounds like you have a really healthy approach to just having one child..getting out and about (obviously not in this current climate!).
It all sounds like you are more than comfortable having one and shouldn't be so hard on yourself about it.

I'm kind of on the opinion that I'm going to stick to one. If it was that bad or had any real impact on a child's development- there wouldn't be one child families would there?

I'm also thinking financially that we would be able to send our DD to private school in the future.......,

How old are you @summerinthecity22? I was one and done but changed my mind when my son was about 3.5years old. In the end I had my second when he was 5. I was late thirties when I decided to try again and had the view that if it happens, it happens, if not, fine. I have my second at 39 in the end. The 5 year age gap has been great. I don't begrudge going back to the baby stage, my son is now relatively independent (doesn't need to be carried, can go to the toilet by himself, feed himself, sleeps well) and so juggling a newborn and him hasn't been that hard. I was worried that age gap would be too big but my son gets a lot of enjoyment out of his sister, he's even likes the excuse to play with some of his baby toys again!

I'd say if you're undecided and still have some time on your side to maybe see how you feel this time next year. For me, my son starting nursery and school is what made me really want another. It really felt like his baby stage had ended and I suddenly wanted to do it one last time.

I know though that I'd have been very happy just with him if a second hasn't come along. We did have such a lovely little life just as a family of 3. Happiness can be found either way imo.

I think that when DC turn 2, that seems to be the point where most women get broody again. I know I did. I desperately wanted a second but it didn't happen. DS is a teenager now. He does sometimes say he wishes he had a sibling, but his idea of a sibling is someone exactly like him, that would play all the games he likes to play with him. I'm not sure the reality would have been what he imagines. I think I am a much better Mum to one than I would have been to two. Not sure I would have had the energy for two of them. Money is definitely less of an issue than it would have been with another. Luckily for me DH is an extrovert and sorts out the social side of things so DS has plenty of activities. Overall we are happy as a family of 3. I'd still have another in a heartbeat though if someone could wave a magic wand.

We didn’t make any firm decision, and I was having many of the same thoughts described here. I was leaning towards having a second and figured once he or she arrived, I would not regret it. I also tried to imagine our life further than just few years ahead. And imagining times when the kids would be teens, young adults and beyond, having two instead of one seemed to make sense, despite the potentially hard first years. So, one time when I knew I was fertile, we just had unprotected sex basically. Didn’t imagine it would work as was ttc for long for DC1. But it worked by some miracle and now we’re about to have the second - ready or not Honestly, I don’t think I would have ever been able to come to any firm decision and at 38 just had to take the plunge really.

I think another useful source of info wis to speak to adults who are only children about their childhood as well as adulthood experiences of the only factor.

Other perspectives - for instance parental perspectives as on here, or perspectives from adults who have siblings - whilst useful definitely - might not offer the entire picture to things.

I have a five year old, me and dh knew we were one and done by the time he was about 5 months. No issues, love being parents - that’s just the right family for us. Looking around at friends who have two, i’m even more certain that one was the right choice for us. DS gets our undivided attention and it now old enough to enjoy ‘real’ activities (as opposed to toddler ones!) so weekends and holidays with him are a genuine pleasure for the whole family. We also don’t have to try and balance the interests of two different ages. I have far more time to pursue my career, study, and just have alone time - all of which make me a much happier, better parent.
DS is sociable, kind, thoughtful and has lots of friends. I think it helps that me and DH are both also very sociable and have many friends close by with children of similar age, so he’s never been lonely.
At the end of the day only you know what’s right for you; but i just wanted to counter the tired stereotype of lonely only children!

@Aria2015 I'm 41 so I don't have time on my side and it might not happen at all.