Aibu to want a daughter?

[Kaceywd]

Hi, I'm an only child and dh has 5 siblings. We don't have any family near and he works shifts. We always said we wanted a big family and not only boys (most of our cousins /his siblings have boys)

Fast forward to us having ds 3 months ago and out world has turned upside down. We were expecting not to sleep etc but did not expect 24/7 crying, suspected allergy, and ptsd (half joking) from winding him for hours and hours on end . We don't have two minutes to ourselves and it's affecting our relationship. I know I sound ungrateful but I have very bad anxiety which has gotten to the point when ds grunts in his sleep (if we manage to put him down) my heart races about having to do everything all over again (feed, wind, bounce, rock, help him to stop crying, for him to fall asleep and wake the second i put him down) We love him to bits but we think this is it for us since we have many aspirations (start businesses, travel) and we find our mental health suffering.
I mistly care for him on my own even though dh helps as much as he can on his days off.

The thing is, I'm an only child and have the best relationship with my mum. She's my best friend and we talk at least twice a day. I don't want to miss on that. I know that boys are lovely but he will grow up and be closer to his dad. Obv it's not guaranteed that second dc will be a girl, that we will have a great relationship, or that it will be an easier child. Also there's the chance of our mental health deteriorating and it will be unfair for both children.

I know that one is right for us, but I feel an immerse sadness not having a little girl. And we don't want them to have a big age gap so we can't leave it and see what happens.

Those of you with an only ds, how is it going?
Those of you with a boy and girl, how do you find it?

Tia xx

my brother is my mums best friend. They has such a sweet and heart warming relationship. There is no relationship like mother and son. I am close to my mum but my brother and her are much closer. I think you are reading too much into gender. YANBU for wanting a daughter at all, I want one too, but don't feel you cant have that closer relationship because he is a boy

my brother is my mums best friend. They has such a sweet and heart warming relationship. There is no relationship like mother and son. I am close to my mum but my brother and her are much closer. I think you are reading too much into gender. YANBU for wanting a daughter at all, I want one too, but don't feel you cant have that closer relationship because he is a boy

If you are making this decision after 3 months, I'd suggest just forgetting about it and reconsidering in a year or so. That's not going to be a huge age gap. Babies and parenting changes a lot! (Of course that won't solve your likihood of having a boy (and I personally think boys are great, as are girls))

If you are making this decision after 3 months, I'd suggest just forgetting about it and reconsidering in a year or so. Babies and parenting changes a lot! (Of course that won't solve your likihood of having a boy (and I personally think boys are great, as are girls))

My Mum always longed for a girl and I am closer to my Dad! Agree it's early days for you though

I really feel for you OP because this is such a thought phase- from my experience, 3 months was the hardest bit. I understand wheee you're coming from because my mum always says how marvellous it was having daughters and I have one son, and sometimes I wonder whether I would like a girl. But really, there is no reason why you wouldn't have a similarly close relationship with your boy just because he is male. And having a girl is something you have no control over.

I really don't mean to minimise your feelings over this but if you are really sleep deprived and finding things tough, it can make you feel really worried and down about things. Now is probably not the time to be thinking about this too much. You've just had such a massive life change. I would park this, focus on looking after yourself and getting through this tricky bit and revisit it later when your DS is a bit older.

@Keha

If you are making this decision after 3 months, I'd suggest just forgetting about it and reconsidering in a year or so. That's not going to be a huge age gap. Babies and parenting changes a lot! (Of course that won't solve your likihood of having a boy (and I personally think boys are great, as are girls))

This is amazing advice.

You know that none of this is because he's a boy?

I have 2 sons and we couldn't be closer. Boys aren't necessarily closer to their Dads.

That's rubbish. I have a son and he is closer to me than his Dad. We have a great bond and relationship. In fact it's known that boys are close to their mums. It's a thing.

Honestly I wouldn't worry about it. Just see how you feel in a year or two.

I have a one and only DS who is now 8 yrs old, he's amazing and brings joy to our lives every day.

We both have our own relationship's and different things to do with our DS. For me, we have a more silly, joking, playful relationship. My DS and his Dad play Lego, draw together, create things. As a family we enjoy each other's company. Gender plays no part in this.

We didn't intend to only have one child, we lost a pregnancy when DS was 2 yrs and it was so so tough. One thing that came out that horrible time though was the realisation that you are never guaranteed that your plans will work out. Had our pregnancy progressed we would likely have had a very disabled child which would've impacted all our lives forever. We were older parents anyway when we had DS and our experience with the baby we lost made us decide to be eternally grateful for what we do have.

What I'm getting at though is that there are no guarantees, no guarantees that you will have a DD next, or the next pregnancy etc. No guarantee that a potential DD will have the same make up that makes you and your mum have a good relationship (what makes you think you can't have that relationship with your DS?).

In the nicest way possible, I don’t think it’s a decision to make when your LO is only 3 months old. I found those early months utterly overwhelming.

I could absolutely not imagine having any others when DD was tiny. In fact I didn’t think about having any more until she was 2.5, and sleeping much better.

Unless you are getting on, I would just get through the next year or two and then revisit the possibility of another.

My sister has 2 boys. She's close to both but is particularly close to one. I think it's down to their characters more than their gender. Also, 3 months on is not the time to consider whether you have any more children. Completely forget it and at some point you may (or may not) want another. I have 8 years between all 3 of mine and there is no right or wrong way to have children. 2.3 years is a very common she gap and even to achieve that you don't have to conceive until you have an 18 month baby. My gaps were due to infertility but I really wasn't up for small age gaps.

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself and only fueling your anxiety. Your baby is only 3 months old! Give yourself a break and don't even think about a possible second baby for quite a while.

That’s really hard and you do almost grieve that relationship you’ll not have with a boy..however I have 4 boys. It’s difficult early on if they are fractious and you’re tired and stressed. I would’ve liked a girl too and I’ll never have it either but my boys are fabulous, whilst we don’t do girly things than I might’ve liked to do with a daughter neither do a lot of friends with girls. I do hot chocolate with my 15 year old son, my 9 year old loves to go for pancakes with me. My 19 year old is great company & my 10 year old is very funny and loves a McDonald’s date with me.

Try not to dwell and at this stage take one day at a time. Enjoy your beautiful boy & there will be lots of lovely things to look forward to in the future but also lots now that you only experience once, I miss baby skin and smiles and snuggles toddler chatter etc and your boy gets you all to himself and every opportunity you can give him. You’re all blessed but I know it’s really hard to see it just now.

Speak to your health visitor re anxiety I had pre and post natal anxiety and got help I couldn’t manage it myself. Is your baby on any meds for his colic/reflux? Or different milk for allergies? It’s full on with a little one and try and get as much support and help as you can. I really hope this passes and you can enjoy your baby more, and perhaps the thoughts of no2 won’t be quite so negative. (I had 4 after all - I’m mad I know)

Yanbu and I also think @Keha's advice is spot on.

Hi all, sorry for the late response I had to take it all in.

I think I was projecting my experience onto others. Unfortunately I've never met an only son (lone parent or both) who's not a complete twat. Maybe it's cultural thought since my country has the whole "evil mil" trope.

I will do my best so raise a sensible, honest young man who calls me at least twice a week. Unfortunately my relationship is deteriorating and Idk if it will get better so I also might have to have only ds and that'd be easier if I become a lone parent.

Thank you all for your advice x

@crappyfridays7 he's on amino acid milk x

Just wanted to comment on the age gap thing you mentioned... a bit of an age gap isn’t always a bad thing.
There is less than 2 years between me and one of my siblings and we have always clashed.
There’s 3 years between me and my other sibling and we get on much better.

I know people who are 5 years apart from their siblings and they get on unbelievably well... so I don’t think you should discount waiting a few years and seeing how you feel x

Ah it sounds really hard for you atm:-(.

I just wanted to say I have 3 sons and a daughter and I definitely wouldn't say I have a closer relationship with my daughter. All my kids are amazing and I have a different relationship with each of them. My boys are the best and I'm really close to each of them in different ways.

I imagine these feelings will pass for you as life gets easier and you build a proper relationship with your son as he gets older.

I can’t offer advice about only boys because I have two DDs. However, there is a big gap between my two children. PPs are right. The baby years are so hard that it’s not the time to make any decisions about more children. DD2 (6wo) is very different to how DD1 (6yo) was as a baby. She’s a very chilled and easygoing baby but I still find it all overwhelming at times. The difference for me is I know it will get easier because I’ve been through it once before.

Having a great bond with your child has nothing to do with their genitals. Just be the best parents you can be and your child will love you. As an aside, DD1 is really close with my parents because we used to live with them and they look after her quite a lot. She is close with my mum but the bond she has with my dad is amazing. They are best friends.

Darling I am also 3 months in (well nearly, 12 weeks Monday!) and we are so so not in that place of talking about siblings yet! Don’t put that pressure on you! We’re only just coming out the other side of colic and while I’m loving not hearing an ear piercing scream between 4 - 8 daily, I am defffffinitely keeping on top of contraception! We always said 3, right now I feel more like it might be 2 given how hard this has been, but either way it’s so not a call we’re going to make in the fog of new baby. You’re being far too hard on yourself and putting too much pressure on the speed of this decision.

As an aside, DH is an only child and speaks to his mum daily, they’re best friends (and he’s not a tragic mummy’s boy, it’s totally possible!) whereas my sister and I are crap and don’t speak to my parents nearly enough. So don’t make any assumptions about boys/only children etc. But like I say, you’re rushing this. The doctors all say don’t get pregnant within a year of birth if you can avoid it - too hard on your body. So park this for another 9 months (3 x the length he’s been alive!) and wait and see ❤️

Sorry, I missed your update about your relationship. That sounds tough - I don’t know the details or anything but I hope you’re okay.

Unfortunately I've never met an only son (lone parent or both) who's not a complete twat.

Fuck off - I can only hope that my gorgeous, wonderful only child (by circumstances not by plan) son never stumbles across post like this. I know lots of kind caring men who are only child.

@DigOutThoseLemonHandWipes while I wouldn’t agree with your sharp tone as OP is having a hard time, I do agree with you that it’s a really blinkered view. My DH is a gorgeous guy. Attractive, attentive, both a ‘man’s man’ (loves sport, rock music, cars) and sensitive to women (will happily watch Pretty Woman with me, respects the role of women in the workplace, isn’t intimidated by me earning more than him). All this I put down to the amazing, super strong woman who raised him alone. It’s all about parenting IMO and if he were my son (weird but let’s roll with it) I’d be ever so proud to have raised him. I tell his mum as much regularly