Aibu to want a daughter?

[Kaceywd]

Hi, I'm an only child and dh has 5 siblings. We don't have any family near and he works shifts. We always said we wanted a big family and not only boys (most of our cousins /his siblings have boys)

Fast forward to us having ds 3 months ago and out world has turned upside down. We were expecting not to sleep etc but did not expect 24/7 crying, suspected allergy, and ptsd (half joking) from winding him for hours and hours on end . We don't have two minutes to ourselves and it's affecting our relationship. I know I sound ungrateful but I have very bad anxiety which has gotten to the point when ds grunts in his sleep (if we manage to put him down) my heart races about having to do everything all over again (feed, wind, bounce, rock, help him to stop crying, for him to fall asleep and wake the second i put him down) We love him to bits but we think this is it for us since we have many aspirations (start businesses, travel) and we find our mental health suffering.
I mistly care for him on my own even though dh helps as much as he can on his days off.

The thing is, I'm an only child and have the best relationship with my mum. She's my best friend and we talk at least twice a day. I don't want to miss on that. I know that boys are lovely but he will grow up and be closer to his dad. Obv it's not guaranteed that second dc will be a girl, that we will have a great relationship, or that it will be an easier child. Also there's the chance of our mental health deteriorating and it will be unfair for both children.

I know that one is right for us, but I feel an immerse sadness not having a little girl. And we don't want them to have a big age gap so we can't leave it and see what happens.

Those of you with an only ds, how is it going?
Those of you with a boy and girl, how do you find it?

Tia xx

Sorry - the pretty woman comment is glib, I just mean the ‘stereotypical’ stuff. We’re splitting SPL because he said it was only fair we both get the joys and lows of raising our child, and we’re both doing part time from next year to take care of her. He’s a fab guy and I would hate anyone to think that boys raised alone are destined to be knobs.

One of my closest friends is an only child and he is a wonderful man. One of my old school friends has one son and he's the loveliest boy. If your son grows up to be a twat maybe look at your own attitude first.

@digoutthoselemonhandwipes I specifically said I'm my country. Idk any only children here.
I understand how it must have come out as judgment to mums but again, I meant in my country (I've been here for 5 years)

See how you feel in 6 months time, I have a boy and girls. My first DD was a nightmare, colicky ,got barely any sleep, no family support, i felt isolated and out of my depth, it was a huge lifestyle change. Lack of sleep is a form of torture, dont be too hard on yourself it will get better.
I went on to have her brother who was much easier and he slept a lot better, every baby is different. DD went on to be an angelic toddler, DS however was toddler from hell, huge huge tantrums.
Having one of each was great ( went onto have two.more DDs) however obviously there is never any guarantee that your next DC would be a girl, ime boys are easier and less complicated, particularly as teenagers.

As a person who lost a baby at 20w. Please be grateful you have a healthy child.

Forgets about child two for now. Have fun with ds. He will grow very quickly. When and if you are ready start planning for baby number 2. Take care of yourself. Have you been to see you child Heath nurse and told her/him how you feel. You’ll not be the first to be so overwhelmed and will hopefully point you in the right direction. At this and any stage of a child’s health it’s ok to ask for help.
Do you have any baby groups around where you can go.? Somewhere where there’s other mums who feel the same or have gone through something like this.
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your mum and there’s no reason why you wouldn’t with your dd , if you have one but not everyone has the same relationship with their mum. I have 2 boys and I’m a lot closer to them than I am to my own mum. Dh is only child. He is closer to his mum than I am to my mum. Boys are great.
Please take care

Well, if your relationship is on the rocks, as you've pointed out yourself, now is not the time to have another. I think you've more chance of being close to a single DS than one of two DSs. And obviously you'd have a 50% chance of the second also being a boy.

3 months into parenthood is rarely the time to be making this decision. My DD was a grotty baby; I loved her but she was hard work in every imaginable way. She was 18 months before I was ready to even discuss trying again. Fast forward 8 years and she is a delight, as is her 5.5 year old brother (who was a much easier baby!).
This is nothing to do with the sex of a child, your DS is not difficult because he's a boy. And this is not the time to worry about whether you will have more or not - if you'd had asked me when DD was 3 months I'd have told you I was off to get sterilized asap.

It’s a bit odd that you’re worrying about whether or not to have another baby when a) your first is only 3 months old and you’re struggling a bit and b) you say your relationship Is rocky. I would worry mainly about B at this point.

I have an only DS (6). He is the sweetest, loving little boy who showers me with compliments and we are very close.

Whether it will continue as an adult I don't know (I'm sure the 'you're so beautiful' comments will stop!) but hopefully our solid foundation will continue on into the future.

Having a daughter is no guarantee. I was never particularly close to my mum growing up and in my early 20's she was probably the last person I would have gone to for advice!

Only DS here and he’s completely fab, we have such a happy relationship. Recommend it!! Love what @Cauterize writes ( I get “you’re the best mummy in the world” every single day 😄) Also as @caut, my sister and I def not close to our mum—tho my bro was/is. Each relp is different. Make yours the sweetest it can be. Expect nothing and be hugely surprised!

Also note: 3 mths is v hard. I found it one way until he was maybe 2. Until this time, all the effort from me, his mum. I was - and remain - completely amazed to be showered with so much love back! Don’t be hard on yourself or worry too much. Easily said, I know...

Op I’m an only child and very close to my mum. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all to want a daughter. However I don’t think you should have another child in the hopes of a certain sex. I have 4 boys and am very happy with them but I always wanted 4 children regardless of sex. I would not have kept going only for a daughter. Children are a lifetime commitment and I believe you should only have another baby if you want another person in your family.

There's no guarantee that if you had a daughter you'd be close. I'm not that close to my mum, we speak every week-ish, but that's in a shared call with my dad. I hardly ever speak just to her. I love her, we just don't have that kind of relationship where we'd share stuff all the time.

OP I had a lot of sympathy for you until you made your comment about boys who are only children. It certainly doesn't make it any better to say "I said only in my country". What country is that? How do you know other MN members aren't also from "your" country? Maybe it's just due to lack of sleep on your part, but to be honest your comments are bordering on sexism AND racism. There is no reason why boys can't be close to their mothers and there is no country where all only child boys are 'twats'. Think of your audience before you comment please - you are on a thread for parents of only children. A lot of those only children will be boys.I hope things improve for you.

There’s a lot that’s out of your control though
No guarantee you can plan the exact age gap you want
No guarantee you will then get the ‘right’ sex you want
Then no guarantee that even if the baby is the desired sex that they will live up to the expectations and be all the things you think having a daughter should bring

I have 2 of the same sex, bigger age gap than I’d envisioned and also one with additional issues such as ASD which effects our family life (and something I had never even considered or thought about when planning our family) I always imagined we would have 3 children mixed sex, close in age, no issues so I get how it feels when the family you pictured in your head doesn’t become a reality, but I also have the awareness of how you just can’t guarantee anything.

I was always a Daddy's girl. I've never been close to my mum at all. My late husband was probably closer to his mum than his DSis was.

It's a lottery in the end, and I do understand how a lot of the MIL complaints on here might worry mothers of sons. But I think it's too much to assume that the nature of your relationships with your children will rely on their sex. And definitely don't have another if your relationship is failing.

This was me 4 years ago.

My DS was colic, constant crying, awake all night. I had PND and anxiety.

He is now 4. Life with him could not be better. He is life. The bond we have is amazing.

You just wait. Your son is going to rock your world.

A mother's bond with her son is 💙

@Kaceywd I've just realised this post is quite old. How are you getting on?

I have an only child, a son, who has long since grown up but lives nearby and is very close to me. He was also close to his late father. He has many friends and a good social life (in normal times), confides in me and we chew things over. I would say our relationship suit us, we are both independent minded. I wouldn't change anything.

You are you and only you can work out what is best for you, op. We're all different. I can only say having just one child was right for me even though it wasn't what was envisaged at one time. I certainly felt better and was able to move on with my life and work with more confidence once I reached the decision to have no more.

My husband was a boy at one time :-) and he got on well with his parents, was very considerate of his lovely mum when she was widowed. He was also loving to his grandmother.

You can't generalise or predict how your children will turn out, only love them, equip them as far as possible with tools for life and let them go.

I think 3 months is way too early to be thinking about another baby. Focus on enjoying your son, they don't stay small for long.
I have one of each and I love the dynamic of boy and girl. They are both lovely. So far my girl is very much a mummy's girl which is different for me as I'm a daddy's girl. My boy is only a baby but I'm sure we will be close too. My point is your relationship with your children comes down to how you facilitate it. You can be close with your son just as much as a daughter, don't write him off just because he's a boy. My brother is very close to my mum i am not. If you want another baby down the line great just don't do it for a specific sex. Enjoy your 💙 boy
Boys are great and girls are

Post too soon *Great

How old is this thread 🙄