Can't stop comparing us to other families... will I get past it?

[CC81]

I'm adjusting to the probability that we'll remain a family of three, as I'm 39 and recently discovered I have a low egg supply (so conception is possible, but unlikely).

We're actually very happy with life. In many ways, I'm excited about moving forward with our lives instead of going back to square one with a newborn. Our daughter is nearly 3 and thriving. I really want to make peace with the issue.

However... my biggest challenge is that my mind can't stop comparing with other families. I notice 2+ kids everywhere. I can't see a family (or a news article about celebs) without checking how many kids they have - and thus wondering about our own situation. I dread hearing about new (second) pregnancies.

It's frustrating because it makes me think I want a second, more than I actually do (if that makes sense). We were always a bit lukewarm about having a second, before my medical results.

I really hope it gets better. Does it???! Will I get to a point where I don't obsess about it?!

I think you need to grieve about not having any more, perhaps? And like any grieving process you will gradually move through the cycle until it concludes.

I've just had my first and probably only. I have fertility issues. Everyone is getting pregnant around me and whether it's firsts or seconds or thirds I think I'm envious, which seems bonkers when I've got a tiny baby myself. I recently came across infertility PTSD and I think that's an issue for me. Also, generally speaking I think it's quite emotional for a woman to decide/realise there will be no more babies, and that's when there are no external factors taking it out of your control.

I've just read another thread on here about whether to have a third and seen somebody say they wish they stopped at one! The grass is always greener when it's not your own front lawn

@EnglishRain - I think you're right that it's a big 'event' and takes the brain a while to recover.

That's the thing - I think I'm grieving the lack of choice, rather than the further child, if you see what I mean.

But the comparison issue is clouding my feelings.

I think it's a phase I'm going through also. Suddenly noticing multiple groups everywhere when going to parks etc. I think it will subside once DD is in school and definitely once she is older. Teenagers are rarely out and about in family groups so it'll be less in your face.

It's definitely a thing when you are thinking about something your brain becomes primed to notice it everywhere. It's a pain but it will eventually retreat into the background I'm hoping, once you're brain has accepted it/grieved for the path not taken.

Would it help to get a pet to add to your family?

We have a dog - I agree it helps 😊

Honestly, I understand. I was so upset about secondary infertility (and to a small extent, I still am). One child is not what I would have chosen. I'd have had two (not greedy either!).

BUT now my child is eleven, and is happy, and has plenty of friends, I realise it's OK. Now there is no way I'd want a second! I've never even got a dog, haha. I've just ensured he has as many friends as he likes (he's very sociable). Plus, we have such a great relationship - not ever something I had with my mum, harassed as she was with several kids. You really can have such a lovely relationship with your child.

I've also noticed that every child has something tricky, or something 'outside' the supposed norm - - whether it's a poorly sibling, or a sibling who bullies them, or a horrible parent, or bullying at school, or a million other things. To my mind, the main thing is that they are happy. And I can say that my child is incredibly happy. He likes his life.

Also, it's all he's ever known, and so he 'owns' it. Having no siblings wasn't my childhood experience, and I'm guessing it wasn't yours. In fact, as a kid, I thought only kids were a bit 'odd'. It's simply not true - they are just kids and like all kids, you get the odd ones, the loud ones, the kind ones, the quiet ones. However, research has shown only children tend to be happier! Actually, dare I say that of all the primary school kids I know, there are two that are a bit mean (little turds actually), and both are the older of two brothers... but that's just my anecdote. So anyway, it's your child's life, it's your life, I hope you enjoy it and don't spend too much time (as I did) lamenting things that can't be. The alternative-what you have-can actually be really, really nice!

PS as to when I personally got over it... it was a slow process. Despite saying that 'to small extent I'm still upset' about it, I'm not. I do regret wasting time being upset when he was little! I wish I could fast forward you to now. Past the baby stage and into the boy stage. There is zero way I'd want a second kid now. At this age, they are confident, happy, and able to forge really strong relationships with others - friendships I hope he'll have for years to come (just as I am still friends with my childhood bestie). Comparing to others - remember, they may compare with you (your child is brighter, has nicer eyes, seems less work, blah blah blah). Comparison, yes it's the thief of joy. I really hope you can enjoy your little kid!

Or girl stage in your case :-)

I totally get this as I have only one child and always expected that I’d have at least 3. But life didn’t work out that way fir me. And sometimes I do get sad when i see families with multiple children but now I’ve finally accepted it for the most part.

I felt the same for almost two years, then something switched in my brain and I made peace with it.
My fertility story is long and complicated, with many early and late losses. I have a beautiful boy, but his twin sister was stillborn and I both of them were at very high risk for different reasons from 20 weeks on. My pregnancy was a nightmare and that continued for several months after.
My little one is absolutely fine now and the joy of my life. But from literally the minute I brought him home I wanted another.
Looking back I think what I wanted was a happy pregnancy and a happy outcome, just a normal lovely experience as it's supposed to be.
For many months I still hoped to be able to carry and then cuddle another little one, sure that everything would go super well this time and the bad memories would be replaced by a happy experience.
But my other half brought me down to earth and made me consider the risks, which are in fact huge. That made me realize I can't have the past back, I can't have my little girl back and I should really be grateful and enjoy what I have already.

Secretly, I sometimes dream of adopting.....

Do you think a sympathetic counsellor might help you talk through your feelings and help?

@lookhappy thank you for these lovely insights. I'm looking forward to having a close relationship with my DD as she gets older and your post has really reassured me that we have lots to look forward to and be grateful for.

@lookhappy thankyou for those comforting words. So helpful.

Yes, thank you so much @lookhappy! And everyone else who has commented. It really does help to hear about others' experiences.

I have actually talked to a fertility counsellor, who I hope to talk to again. It was good for making me address various things.

A lot of the time I feel completely fine about it - there's nothing 'missing' from our family. We are what we are. But then something reminds me and makes me feel all weird and worried about it. I hope it'll get better with time.

We aren't having a second due to my birth injuries. We technically could, but not without severely impacting my physical or mental health.

I'm not even sure I want a second one, but also feel angry that the choice isn't really there.

We're three years on too and I did have a wobble the other day when I realised that most of my friends have now had their second. So I don't think it ever completely goes.

I just try and focus on the benefits for us. Seeing friends with a newborn reminds me how shit and knackering it was! We now have proper sleep. We aren't worrying about a second set of child care fees. We're getting more and more freedom back, as a toddler can easily be dumped on grandparents for a night! I can pop to the gym while toddler is at nursery, because I don't have a tiny baby to look after.

It doesn't always work, but it helps me.

I totally understand how you fee. We're not having a second as my OH doesn't want another and is happy with one, on the other hand I am not. I'm trying to accept this as I don't want to lose him or our little family but I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to experience it all again.
When we had our DD I didn't have a number in my head but as time moved on (shes now 3) I knew I wanted another. When we spoke and he told me how he felt I was devastated. We have spoken numerous times about it but I don't want to keep bugging him with it as I know where he stands, and that's his perogertive. But I just can't shake how i feel.
Both sister in laws have recently had a second and I was so happy for them but found it so hard to cope with, often shying away from family gathering cause I just couldn't face it without feeling such jealousy and sadness.
I don't want to ruin things with my feelings, I don't want to look back and see how I've over clouded my life cause of how i feel. I try and see things for the good a d appreciate what i have, but I just feel so sad all of the time. I just hope some day it passes.

It's funny, I've now started noticing families with one child, as well as families with several!

Whether in books, or on TV dramas, or in real life, I'm suddenly seeing that we're not actually that unusual. I guess it's all part of the process that my brain needs to go through.

We have friends with only one child (as well as friends who do now have a second, but after years of difficulties, miscarriages, etc.). I've never looked at them and thought 'oh, it's a shame they've only got one'. They're just families of three and we accept them that way. I honestly haven't picture them with an extra child.

So I need to stop assuming that everyone will think we're odd! I think a lot of my problem is worrying about the 'social perfection' of only having one. I know it's stupid but it's hard to ignore. Hoping our fertility counsellor will help with that.

I just wanted to add that I feel very similar to you OP. Despite knowing that having another child is probably not the right decision for us I still notice two child families everywhere & feel this pang! When friends announce second pregnancies I feel very mixed too. Threads like this really help me. I read somewhere on here that these feelings tend to subside once you are out of the baby/ toddler stage as you start to get more freedom back & don’t want to go back! Also do I feel there is a huge hormonal component- for me the desire for another is not rational & I don’t think I would actually enjoy it! I do feel we are complete as a family but I know I am susceptible to peer pressure & comparison. Anyway wishing you all the best OP, let’s hope that we all find peace with this.

I was exactly like this, probably still am a bit. I’m also 39 but the decision was finally made for me 8 weeks ago when I had a full hysterectomy, so there’s no chance now of a second. Weirdly, that somehow made it easier. Before then though I was actually finding it hard to even go to places where there were kids and other families and I dreaded speaking to other parents and hearing how many children they had. I hope it gets easier for all of us, having 1 has so many benefits. Like you I’m actually happy with one, I think it’s more the expectation to have 2, if it wasn’t the norm I wonder if more people would actually choose to have only 1.

Yes, you'll get past it. My only child is now 18. I felt exactly the same as the OP when he was 3. And probably till he was about 8/9.

Don't give it a second thought now.

Thanks @DrNortherner it's great to hear from people who have come through the other side.

I have decided that 2021 I'm going to get two cats to up the numbers :-) I'm thinking that xmas will be better when myself and DD and I can both make a fuss over the cats as our surrogate babies/siblings.

@Lucy40ishere @Ballsto2020 @DrNortherner @Iggypoppie - Thanks for your responses

It's tough at present because the option of IVF is on the table (even though it's unlikely to work).

So while I'm trying to convince my brain that we'll be sticking with one child (and that's fine), there's this niggling little voice in the back of my mind saying "but maybe...".

I think once we've either dismissed or tried IVF, it'll be a lot easier to move on.

We don't want to do it in the next couple of months, as I need a bit of time to 'feel normal', after a couple of months of tests, consultations and discussions. I need to take a step back and simply enjoy life for a while, to make a proper decision.

That's exactly what I was doing up until earlier this year, when I was fine about our situation. Then we decided to try for a second and simply 'see what happens'. But then nothing happened, so I wanted to check on things... and then suddenly got stuck in this wormhole where the grass is greener, bla bla bla!

It is good to see there are other people like me. I also go to places and all I notice families with multiple kids and it makes me feel odd. There are days I’m fine with just having an only child but as soon as I step outside I feel sad as all I see everyone has 2/3 kids. My girl really social and makes friend easily so I’m not really worried about her as she would be fine. I just feel sorry that she would not have a sibling to share memories. I guess she can do that with friends. As long as she is happy, it should all be matter really. Some days I feel happy that I only have one as I’m not really patient especially when homeschooling due to COVID. I swear I loose my shit every so often, I’m not sure even I can cope multiples. I used to work as a nanny and i looked after multiple kids. I guess when you have your own kids, it is diffrent.
@CC81 when you said the below it really resonated with me as I exactly feel this way. I am 42 and my periods are getting so irregular and I think I’m in peri menopause by looking at my test results as my levels keeps going up and down. I guess I just have to learn to accept abc be happy!

That's the thing - I think I'm grieving the lack of choice, rather than the further child, if you see what I mean.

Hi all, I should probably update!

One day after I posted my last message below, we'd pretty much decided NO to IVF - we wanted to go with what nature decided for us and be happy either way.

But then two days after, I did a pregnancy test to check I wasn't pregnant, as I was due to have my fallopian tubes checked a few days later. It was POSITIVE.

I'm now nearly 15 weeks pregnant... and it's twins. I still can't quite believe it. Still extremely cautious, but all scans and tests have been promising.

The interesting part is I'm now seeing the only child issue from the other side, and it's made me look at it in a more balanced way.

If this pregnancy doesn't work out, we've decided we wouldn't do any kind of treatment. It's been such an anxious time and I'm not sure I'd want to go through that again, especially not with a load of clinical intervention first.

Our daughter is a happy child and if she stayed an only, there are so many experiences (and people) we can enjoy with her - and quite easily, too. I don't think I'd want to spend any more of her early years obsessing about pregnancy etc.

PS - Meant to say at the end... this has helped me with the comparison issue, weirdly, as I've realised it's a minor thing (for me) next to the bigger issues. And hearing stories from those who want IVF for just ONE child has also put things into perspective.