What are your reasons for only having one child?

[Kelcat9494]

Hello,

I'm just curious to what people's reasons are: I'm not far along in my pregnancy but I know I only want one and I think my reasons are selfish but also selfless (weird I know): Basically with one child we are in a decent financial position meaning we can go on one/two holidays a year, my child can have their own room and be spoilt in the sense they won't need to share the tv, laptop etc (my husband has two brothers and it gives me nightmares when he tells me they had to share rooms and had to share time on the tv and computer etc), life would be easier with one child, easier to find a sitter if we need one etc (not that I'm going to need a sitter all of the time), raising one child is cheaper. I know people say oh well they can play with a sibling, yeah I get that but they can also play with their friends - this post isn't to offend anyone of course I know some people may only have one due to medical issues and I'm so sorry but what are people's personal choices for only having one?

For me it was:

Because I can’t go through the sleep deprivation again. I seriously need my sleep and it affected my MH, I was not a nice person to be around.

I don’t want to split myself, multi task and deal with the logistics of having two. I want to concentrate on DS.

I’m mid 30’s and DH is mid 40s which for me personally is too old to be having another.

I don’t want my body to be further affected by pregnancy. I was lucky first time and snapped back to pre-pregnancy shape near enough.

I think you just know when you want more and you just know when you are happy with having one. As others have said, we just feel complete with one child but I guess those with more felt complete with two/three/four. It’s hard for me to imagine wanting three and I know my friends with one/two/three children find it hard imagining just wanting one. Nothing wrong with either feeling.

1 hated being pregnant
2 work went pear shaped over the heads of it ( I needed a lawyer)
3 no support network
4 I was left to arrange all childcare and the logistics of it all when I returned to work.
5 I was fully expected to return to work and juggle the whole work/ family life whilst DH just carried on as before.
6 it was lonely as hell

DS would have loved a sibling but I just couldn't have coped with it all without support. He's now almost 14 and I'm still arranging all child related things. And housework/ homework/ online schooling / extra curricular stuff etc etc...

I'm knackered.

HTH

We were definitely going to only have one (husband already had two, 20 years older than our first, both away at uni and he was in his 50s). But we did think he might be lonely so had another when he was 2 and a half. They are the very best of friends (apart from the odd bit of sibling rivalry) and I can't believe we nearly didn't. I would just say for those worrying about space in the house, difficulty sharing or better holidays, those things don't compare to having a sibling. But that's just our experience.

We wanted three. I had an uncooperative womb which slanted backwards and was bi-septate. Plus an "incompetent" cervix. And three miscarriages. We are very lucky to have one dd as we nearly lost her at wk10s. But coming from a large family myself, I never wanted my dd to be alone in the world but we didn't have a choice. However, I spoke to my 92-yr-old aunt the other day, who was an only child, and she was happily married for 67 years, has three dc, seven grandchildren, and many close friends, which makes me feel hopeful!

I would just say for those worrying about space in the house, difficulty sharing or better holidays, those things don't compare to having a sibling. But that's just our experience.

^Having a second didn't work out for us but do have siblings and I really agree with this.

We only have one and are- so far- only planning on one. (She’s only 6 months though so this might change) My reasoning is mostly that I grew up with a younger sibling and hated it. There’s only 3 years between us but we were totally different people and never got on or really played together even as young children. I was so jealous of my friends without siblings! Our parents pretty much had to keep us separate during days out and holidays. Absolutely hated it during my teenage years and we fought every day. It was like having the most annoying flat mate that you can’t escape.
It think it didn’t help that my sister is a LOT like my Mum in interests and personality, so they were very close and I always felt left out.

We’ve both tried a few times to hang out as adults but we just don’t have a relationship at all.

I do also have a brother, but he was 20 years older than me so felt more like a parent and we never lived together. We still have a decent relationship now.

My husband has a really close relationship with his brothers, but they are also both quite older than him so took on a more parental role.

Just adding a differing voice to all those who say that sibling relationships are always positive and wonderful! I’m sure they can be, but it was not my experience.

Plus I can’t say I overly enjoyed the newborn days, and even this (better) stage has its struggles. I can’t imagine doing it again with a toddler or child there too.

@Squanderedcore I have a septate womb too!! (it makes for a very scary pregnancy, IME) but I do want another (but am sadly prepared for bumps along the road). I was just reading this thread out of interest

Infertility here. Took 4 years and 2 rounds of IVF to conceive DD. I'm 37 now and we couldn't put ourselves through it again. I'd love to have had 2 but it wasn't to be.

I just enjoyed my only and didn’t really want a second. We enjoyed moving through the stages with one and being able to do different things together as he grew without going “back” to baby stage.
Making a human being just to be a playmate to the first felt a bit.... unethical?

I've always only wanted one for the exact reasons you described, we can afford one and do it well 😂 all school trips, holidays and their own room, I was an only child and loved it :) my partner is adopted so no known siblings bar adopted sister but they arnt close so he is happy at one too! Although he used to want 3 😳 but realises we can't afford it really. I love my da ugh, she is so laid back, sleeps well, is super happy and I can almost guarentee a second would push me over the edge haha my pregnancy was horrid felt like I just threw up for 9 months and induction sucked so yeah sticking to the 1 haha she has her lil freinds, we go on play dates but she has learnt to love her own space :)

Wishing you the very best of luck with it all @BorderlineBob

We started late as didn't really want children until we hit 40 then our outlook changed.
We were very fortunate and at 40 she gave birth to our son, I'm now 44. He's 7 months.

We just don't want to push our luck with the increased risk. He's happy and healthy so are we.
We'll concentrate on giving him the best life possible.

We're both only children too by coincidence.

Not just one reason, really.

• A miscarriage and then 2+ years of infertility. I couldn't deal with that again

• Childcare costs mean the earliest I could try again would be when I'm 37. I don't want a baby at 38+, as I don't feel like I could keep up with them physically

-Finances/lifestyle. We're on a decent but modest income, and I can only afford to raise one child the way I want to. To me that means:
-DS goes to a good nursery
-DS has his own room (I have no problem with kids sharing, but I think preteens and teens need their own space)
-DS will be able to do things like swimming lessons, karate, school trips, etc
-DS will have some help with university fees

-My marriage is more important than another child. DH and I breezed through unemployment issues, 5+ years of immigration bullshit, infertility, and meddling family, but the arrival of DS hit us hard. DH and me are still finding our way back to reach other, and another child would jeopardize that

• Minimal family support. We're very lucky that SIL babysits one night a week, but there's no one to fall back on when things get tough. My parents and B live abroad. DH's mom moved to Switzerland a month before DS was born. BIL isn't bothered -- didn't even send a card when DS was born. We asked FIL if he wanted to do childcare one day a week, and he said no

• DH and I are both introverts. We need time to recharge. We like our hobbies (and enough time to do them). We like our low-key lifestyle. I'm a good mom because DH can take over when I need a break (and vice versa)

-The most important reason. Whenever I DO think about having a second, it's because I want a sibling for DS and not because I actually want another kid. Bringing someone into the world for what they'll potentially be to someone else seems an insane idea to me.

We’d planned on having two, however my musculoskeletal system isn’t very keen on pregnancy! I felt it unfair to have another one and expect family to support us with looking after DD whilst I would be immobile.

Older mother when I had my first and just never managed to have another. Biggest regret of my life and I can still get upset about it. Never wanted my child to be an only one. Much too late now. x

Same here. I swing from being happy and accepting of our situation to total despair that we didn't try harder to conceive. But I was nearly 41 when DS was born and it was exhausting and only now do I feel I'm getting me back. But my biggest fear is exactly what 16:56AliasGrape says..that DS will have no one to support him and we are older parents. I'm terrified and torn apart with guilt.

Since having DD I've had 3 losses (2 miscarriages and an ectopic), 18 months of trying, 2 surgeries and need another. We always wanted more but are getting our heads around the fact that we won't. For a whole host of reasons getting pregnant is now quite dangerous for me and ultimately my priority is to be there for my DD not a child I don't have yet. Thats to the PP who recommended the only child book, I've ordered it this morning.

Secondary infertility, failed IVF, then divorce.
Now too old and tired

We thought we'd have one and see how it went.

He stayed sibling-free.

He's now 8,5yo and has not once asked for a sibling. We have an open house for friends, he goes on sleepovers and vice versa, he's happy playing alone, he's happy surrounded by mates.

Feeling really down today. Been getting worse AF and in bed all day with it today. Every time my mind wanders on to the fact DS has no sibling, I feel sick and cry. I think it's all my fault for not trying harder when I was younger so if he's alone when he's older and when we're old and with no support it's my fault! DH blames me too, I know it

If you have one, you are the entertainment or at least the entertainment planner. If you have more than one they go off together.

Hello BooseysMom, I've never posted on here before, but I just wanted to say I hope you're feeling better. As I've got older (I'm 48) I've found myself getting more depressed around my AF time, so I understand how you are feeling. It's also when I think the most about my 7 year old being a single child. One thing that helps me is to look at my own Mum, who also didn't have any siblings. She went on to marry my brilliant, kind dad, and she had 8 children and now has 25 grand children / great grand children. Believe me, she is never alone! She is surrounded by love and is very happy. There is no reason why your boy should be alone later in life either. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Xx

@EvieBoo2.. hi. Thank you for bothering to reply.. it means so much. Usually posts get missed on here. Your kind msg has made me cry in a kind of good way I mean(!) as l realise I'm not alone. I'm 48 too and have a 6yo DS. We tried for another but just not hard enough so it's that guilt I'm getting now and it gets loads worse before AF. From mid month to when it starts it goes gradually downhill. I get all these peri symptoms now. I don't know what to do to help myself. I don't want to take anti depressants as the symptoms aren't just mental but physical. I might see if the coil helps. Are you on anything?
Thank you for sharing your story with me
Xx

Are you an only child OP? Friends will never be the same as having a sibling. I’m one of 4. I have an only child myself it was not planned but it ended up that way DS is now 5 and if I could turn the clock back I would of had another when he was 3.
For me personally the hardest part of being a mum is the way your life changes it’s never really the same so to some extent weather you have one child to take to school, or 1 child to dress I personally feel it’s not that much of a huge difference. Obviously whilst the kids are small you will have a hectic stage. But I do feel there’s more pros to having more than one DC.

BooseysMom I'm not on anything at the moment but I am going to speak to my GP about what I can take. Have you spoken to your doctor about your symptoms? As it's related to hormones there might be something other than antidepressants they can offer us. In my case I had terrible hyperemesis with my daughter, and wasn't going to try again, then changed my mind and got pregnant again, but sadly that ended in a miscarriage at 6 weeks. After a few months we tried again and I was really ill again. I promised myself it would be my last pregnancy as I couldn't face the sickness again. Then sadly we had a scan and a serious brain anomaly was found along with several other problems, so we were advised to tfmr. It was the worst time of my life and has left me carrying terrible guilt. (If anyone judges me for having a tfmr, trust me no one could judge me more harshly than I judge myself.) We looked into adoption but the social workers have to tell you about all the possible problems, and we both felt we just couldn't risk it. Try not to feel so bad for not trying earlier. We all make our choices as we go along and thinking 'if only' is never useful. My little girl is happy at the moment and I'm just going to carry on trying to make her happy day by day. Also, Lockdown has made things feel 10x worse, as I relied a lot on playdates before. But things will get better and our children will come out of it stronger and more resilient I'm sure. Hope you have a good sleep tonight and we can chat tomorrow if you like. Xx