What are your reasons for only having one child?

[Kelcat9494]

Hello,

I'm just curious to what people's reasons are: I'm not far along in my pregnancy but I know I only want one and I think my reasons are selfish but also selfless (weird I know): Basically with one child we are in a decent financial position meaning we can go on one/two holidays a year, my child can have their own room and be spoilt in the sense they won't need to share the tv, laptop etc (my husband has two brothers and it gives me nightmares when he tells me they had to share rooms and had to share time on the tv and computer etc), life would be easier with one child, easier to find a sitter if we need one etc (not that I'm going to need a sitter all of the time), raising one child is cheaper. I know people say oh well they can play with a sibling, yeah I get that but they can also play with their friends - this post isn't to offend anyone of course I know some people may only have one due to medical issues and I'm so sorry but what are people's personal choices for only having one?

Same as you OP. Plus it's gotten easier and easier for us as she's gotten older (nearly 4 now)
She loves our holidays, the peace and quiet of home after a busy day at nursery and when asked says no she doesn't want a brother or sister.

HG pregnancy, PND and PTSD. No way am I going through that again.

Simply put, my mental health is more important to preserve than have another child.

We have on DS who is 4, we have chosen not to have any more because-

• awful birth, dh and I both still feel the emotional effects, me some physical ones.
• PND/A, I'm still a much more anxious person than I was pre DS and I don't like that at all.
• sleep deprivation
• the strain on our marriage, we've been together 16 years, we love each other but still it's not what it was.
• DS has some additional needs, this takes up a lot of emotional energy and I worry a lot about him. I can't worry about another child.
• Finances. Dh is a high earner and we have a fairly standard house that fits us all with no problems plus an office for dh, I'm a sahm. Can afford luxuries and 4 holidays a year. Don't fancy moving house, the money and stress. Plus we pay for DS' speech therapy (not now as it's all stopped).
• DH says he can't imagine loving another child as much as DS, I'm sure that wouldn't be the case but he's worried about it.

Plus we all love our sleep, got lucky with our daughter who's been easy with everything, i doubt we'd be that lucky again.

Interesting reading all the responses. I want a second DC but DP is done with one.

Life would be easier with one but I just don’t feel complete.

Me and DP are introverts. I worry for DS that he will be lonely if he doesn’t have siblings. I have a big family and a lot of my social life comes from them. I worry the same for DS. What if he doesn’t have many friends and also no sibling.

We learnt our lesson the first time around ;). Never again ...

Infertility - haven't entirely given up hope but six and a half years would be a huge age gap and I'm not sure we could cope with more sleep deprivation (4.5years with DS). The book Parenting your only child is a good read for those voluntarily or involuntarily in this position - sets out many advantages and how to offset any potential disadvantages.

Yes, @Ragwort. I always (privately, obviously) find it quite odd that people choose to have more than one.

Multiple miscarriages after having DS meant that he was destined to be an only child. However, he loves it (he's a teen now) and it means we can afford to do loads of things we wouldn't have otherwise been able to do.

DH has 6 siblings, not one of whom he's close to and none of them are supportive of each other, and I haven't spoken to my vile sibling for a decade - so I don't regret just having the one.

When people nosily ask I tell them we went for quality over quantity

I’d been told I couldn’t have children, then fell pregnant at 44 and had ds at 45.

Much as I would have liked a second one, it wasn’t sensible to try.

Miscarriage, old age. Definitely not choice.
Accepted that this was how things would be and made the best of things, but I’ve found lock down is absolutely terrible for a teenage only child

I just don’t want one. Haven’t felt a twinge of broodiness since DD was born (she’ll be 5 in August), and never felt there was ‘someone missing’ from our family as some other people report. It also makes sense from a financial and health point of view not to have another baby.

I can’t understand people who only have a second child ‘for’ their first. It’s a person, not a mail order toy.

I have 6 DC so this doesn’t apply to me but I just wanted to say with regard to siblings there is no guarantee they will get on as they grow up. I am one of three, I have the most amazing DB and equally the most vindictive cruel DSis..
My close friend has four siblings and none have spoken to each other for years. She also only has one DS and constably people say oh poor thing he is an only child. !! it’s right for your family then have a little or as many as you wish. Being loved is what a child needs.

My husband had an emotional relationship with an 18 year old and an affair with someone else. I threw him out when DS was 1. That ended any possibility of having any more really.

Dd is awesome

Carpal tunnel syndrome

Traumatic, almost fatal birth

I never wanted children initially. Had 4 nieces/nephews and was quite happy with being an auntie. Was very career driven and then fell pregnant and had my DD at 32. Awful pregnancy with placenta previa and pre eclampsia. She's 16 now and is a very happy, sociable girl who has never mentioned a sibling (a puppy, yes but not a brother or sister). Financially we're okay and she gets treats that I wouldn't be able to afford if we had more. I've often felt guilty not giving her a sibling but she said she likes being an only child especially at her age now when her friends have to babysit they're younger siblings and can't always go out. We're very close too and I love her more than anything (not saying if I had another i wouldn't have loved them obviously!). Anyway, I'm too old now so i might just have to get that puppy .

While my thoughts may change, I'm leaning to only one. My DH would love two though.

My DD was extremely poorly at birth, and may have long term effects which we won't know the extent until she is older. I am petrified of having another and then not being able to fully support whatever needs she has as my attention would be split.

She was also taken straight to NICU so I ended up being on a ward with new mothers and their babies, and my mental health slid off a cliff for that time. She was on NICU for two weeks and I had the hardest time bonding with her. When she was finally home, I suffered a couple of breakdowns relating to a loss of identity and I am scared to go to that dark place again.

I also hated being pregnant and ended up with an induction due to gestational hypertension.

There are just so many negatives that I can't see them outweighing the positive of giving DD a sibling. We are also apart from family so financially we cannot try until she gets her free hours as there is no way we can afford two in full childcare.

I've never felt 'guilty' about not giving my DS a sibling, as a PP said, you are not ordering a mail order companion for them.

We are a sociable, outgoing family ... DS has always found it really easy to make friends with people in all areas of life, he has a huge circle of friends & gets on well with adults, plenty of get up and go (home from Uni, no local jobs so set up his own car wash 'business' ).

There is no doubt that he's had financial advantages that just wouldn't be possible if he had a sibling and he also gets lots of quality time with a DH & I.

And there is no guarantee in life that siblings get on.

I’m not 100% sure we will stick at one, but not far off. Because:

• traumatic premature arrival and chance that would happen again
• poor sleeper until age 2, impact on relationship with DH
• health issues (luckily nothing chronic but suffers when he’s ill and we’ve had more hospital stays than most)
• already nearly 40 so might not happen anyway
• now there’s a pandemic I don’t want to be making regular hospital visits (would be classed high risk and consultant led)
• last but definitely not least, DS is ace and we have a great family unit

I do feel guilty he probably won’t have a sibling but you have to do what’s right / sensible / possible for you.

My DH would love two though

So would dp and my response is,
"well crack on and advance science so men gestate and birth, cos this shop is closed"
END of conversation

Its literally not even a discussion with me.

My DH would have liked 2 when DS was younger but he wanted me to be well above anything else and I would not have Bern with another one.

His mum on the other hand called me selfish for having just one child and my mum has often gone on about how sorry she feels for ds being on his own.

DS used to ask for a sibling when he was about 6 but that was because everyone he knew at that time had siblings. As he has got older he is appreciative of his own company and is now glad he is an only! He's very sociable, has a wide range of friends and is comfortable speaking to adults. He's actually chopped really well in lockdown he's been able to chat to his friends on technology but still have time on his own. We have been able to enjoy more of his company than we would other wise have had chance to.

I still think we made the right decision for us and my only worry is that when something happens to me and his dad he will have to deal with that on his own. Hopefully by then he'll have his own family around him. But if not he will most certainly have very good friend s.

@bookworm14

'I can’t understand people who only have a second child ‘for’ their first. It’s a person, not a mail order toy.'

As an only child with a large extended family, I never 'missed' having a sibling when I was young. You don't miss what you've never had. But, slowly experiencing relatives get old, sick, die, move away, have extended families of their own - has made me realise in my later life that there will be no one except for me to care for my parents. My cousins have their own lives & families now, we are not close any more.

I'm not saying that me and my imaginary sibling would have been best buds, you can't make kids get on but watching how my dad and his 2 siblings struggled to cope with my Nan's passing, it hit me that I will be going through this some day completely on my own and it actually made me incredibly sad.

I had a wonderful childhood and upbringing as an only child, money was tight and god knows how hard it would have been if there were more of us. But there's more to a happy childhood than material possessions and expensive holidays.

I am making the choice to 'have one for my first' partly because of this and partly because I had a crappy first birth and don't want to focus on that for the rest of my life (different story!).

If you are lucky enough to choose how many children you want, just go with it. It's no one else's business.

Good luck OP, I'm sure your child will be loved, happy and make some wonderful memories x

I always wanted 3. Then I got severe PND after my first and it took a long time to recover. 5 years. Once I did feel better and came off the medication I got brave and became pregnant again but miscarried At 12 weeks. My PND symptoms came back and I’m now back on all the medication I had managed to come off a year ago. It has been a stark reminder of what I (and of course we) went through in those dark early years and I never ever want to feel like that again. I wish I could have had more, but it just wouldn’t have been safe or responsible to do so. So now I am fully focussing on making the best out of this situation. And repeatedly I see evidence that life with one child is easier than life with more!

I'm a little different in that I've adopted due to infertility but I have one little son at the moment and while it's early days I am fair sure about just wanting one. Not that i believe that gender ultimately has a lot to do with anything anyhow but I used to think that I'd be sad about missing out on having a daughter as my mum and I have such a close bond ourselves but tbh since having him that has melted away. For me it's a bit of a quality of life thing for him and for me. My partner and I are not money oriented in the slightest but we have got to a stage in our lives where we are happy with our incomes and reasonably financially comfortable. I grew up not in poverty but in a home where money was very tight and there was a lot of us for it go round. I was always aware even as a fairly young child that we had money problems and couldn't do the same things other families do. I found myself as a child worrying about it constantly. I am someone who believes children don't need to be patronised into being shielded from all of lifes troubles (I see it as part of becoming a well rounded person) but since being a parent I have reflected on wanting a better sense of security for my son than I experienced growing up. This of course is largely non financial but there are elements of it that are. With one child we can afford for me to return to work part time and not be crippled by nursery costs but should we have 2 that would change significantly. I also like the idea of being able to really provide for my son in a way we couldn't is there was more than one. I guess it's because I am so early days into parenting him (a toddler) that my head's not in it atm anyhow but I do have a vision of being able to really nurture him given his difficult start in life and giving him for want of a less cringey expression a real quality childhood with a lot of input. We do have a large family luckily with lots of aunties uncles cousins etc so he will never be short of company - but as with all things I never say never

We had a second child because I did not want the first to be alone when we died. I am now a widow and our two - who fought continually as children - are now the best of friends as adults. I know they will have someone to talk to when I am gone, and their children are friendly too.