How did you know you were definitely done having children?

[Yesterdayforgotten]

Hi, I realise this isn't a one child family thread but i was unsure where else to post it.
I have 2 dc and although I always wanted 3 I have decided I can't have any more. DC2 is only afew months old and I'm just starting to sleep longer blocks and I am really pleased pregnancy is firmly behind me (not to sound ungrateful but I am alot happier when the baby is born and had two traumatic experiences). I have however been upset deep down that this is my last child but at the same time I know I cannot go through pregnancy again and I'm looking forward to the next stage of my life and watching my dc grow. I know I'm getting too old, financially a third child would not be plausible and I cannot mentally do it again especially with the sleep deprivation at the beginning. Therefore I have lots of reasons for not wanting a third baby. But why does it feel so painful and like my clock is ticking and I need to squeeze another child in? Does that feeling ever go away no matter how many children you have? I know in my head I dont want another child but I keep getting a 'this is it' feeling and then worrying is it really and what if I'm making a mistake and then it is too late.

Hi, i'm feeling exactly the same as you only i have just one DC. I have been told that apparently you never lose that feeling of wanting another! Also as you reach your mid 40s it's like the body goes into overdrive trying to put eggs out! I swear i'm ovulating most of every month but in reality it's never gonna happen and is most prob peri. I'm 48 and although we tried it never happened and for financial reasons as well as the traumatic birth i had with DS, i just knew it wasn't going to happen for us. I get how you're feeling as it's really hard to accept this even when you know you're done. I have the added guilt of not being able to give DS a brother or sister but thank god he doesn't seem too bothered! It's more me just trying to come to terms with it.
I hope you find peace with your decision x

When i see pregnant women I think ugh you have no idea what hell you're in for and when i see babies, especially tiny ones, crying ones or prams on public transport i think thank fuck i dont have to go through this.

@BooseysMom thanks for your reply. Oh no you never lose it, that is tough!! I suppose at least I can be safe in the knowledge that I shouldn't regret not going for a third because no matter how many dc I had I'd still have that feeling most probably.
I am approaching my mid thirties so I have all of that to come. Being a woman is hard! It's awful because I don't want another but a small part of me thinks finances change and i thought this about having a second child and it worked out. Then on days when the baby is crying and toddler being demanding I think nope I'm definately done! My second pregnancy was also alot harder than my first and I just know mentally I cannot do it again while still being the best Mum I can be to the two I already have. I feel it would be selfish on them. I just wish this feeling would go away!

We had two girls, husband would have liked a boy but I was ill and had to have a hysterectomy so that was it. A boy would have been welcomed but that was that. Still goes through my mind that I let him down, silly I know as he's never mentioned it.

@Dadspie I think that too and I'm relieved I don't have to go through it again! I'm selfishly happy I have my body back to normal-ish (well maybe still working progress.) I remember how i felt when i was first pregnant and i literally had no idea how hard it would be! Don't get me wrong being a Mother is amazing but I found pregnancy and sleep deprivation very difficult. The early years are tough! This is why I know this silly urge type feeling is misplaced but nevertheless it wont go away!

We have one and we're done, totally no instinct it desire or wish for another. Conceived in the first month, easy pregnancy, shit birth, tough 6 months with newborn baby, the rest has been fine (no toddler tantrums ). I'm 44, have an 8yo. We both just know we are done.

@BigFatLiar you definately didnt let anybody down! You gave you dh too beautiful girls and you could have had another girl 3rd time. Its actually the man the picks the sex too.

I'm in a very similar situation OP. Sounds like we are a similar age too.

I do day dream about having a third sometimes but I think the one thing that will stop me is the anxiety/worry of pregnancy. Physically I've been lucky in both pregnancies, and the births were fine too especially the second one. But I didn't enjoy pregnancy at all, the constant worrying about whether something might be wrong with me or the baby, worrying about the upcoming birth etc. I sort of feel like now that's over, I should quit while I'm ahead.

Also, kids are expensive!

your dh two^ blame my toddler using me as a climbing frame for my mistakes

Ive got 3 boys, would have liked a girl, but didn't want to risk any feelings of disappointment if i had a 4th boy and it wouldn't have been right for a child to grow up secretly thinking he was the "wrong" sex.

As my children have grown (they are mid-late teens now) I am so glad i didn't have any more, I love babies, but the whole bit of 4-8 is a bit of a drag and now the 14-17 bit is quite horrific at times.

We are very much looking forward to our kids clearing off to uni so we can do stuff as a couple again.

Before I had my first I had no real urgent desire to have one, I sort of took the view at some point I would but not right now, then he surprised us and ever since I've just been constantly broody. I've recently had a second and towards the end of the pregnancy thought that this would definitely be it (one of each) but then as soon as I had her I was so upset at the thought of not ever having another and the broodiness still hasn't gone away. My first pregnancy and birth were totally fine, enjoyed the labour etc but my second I was ill constantly and the birth was really quick and painful, plus I was terrified as I knew what was to come! But as much as I had a worse experience second time (obviously not a patch on others who have had really traumatic births) I still would love to try for another in a year or two but I’d worry I still wouldn't be over the broodiness after that!

I had dd very young. I always knew I didn't want anymore.
When I met DH i told him from the very beginning i didn't want anymore children, luckily he agreed.
I can remember going to New York for my 30th birthday dd was 15. We had a great time most of my friends had small children at the time and my only thought was (thank God I'm passed that stage).
Dd2 made a surprise appearance when I was 38! I didn't find out i was pregnant until i was 5mths.

@YellowOctonaut I hear you about quitting while you're ahead as that is how I feel. I keep thinking I've got off quite lucky after two births and third would be pushing it and imagine how I'd feel if anything went wrong and I'd selfishly tried for it when actually I'm happy with 2 dc!

@BigusBumus ages 4-8 is bad?! please don't tell me that as I have a 'threenager' and thought it got better from 4! I don't blame you, it must feel nice to be getting your life back. I am looking forward to them growing up in one way to get more sleep and for it to become less relentless but it's sad in another as they they have to get older and so do I!

@studyingmama you're braver than me! Maybe the broodiness never goes away as people say! I'm so scared I will regret it but there is too much risk for a third and I need to focus on the 2 I already have.

@ParkheadParadise that must have been so satisfying to just know you didnt want anymore. I felt like that immediately after my first but as time went on I changed my mind. This time I have been finding it hard to come to terms with this being my last and wondering if I'm confusing those feelings with wanting a third. I think deep down I'm just panicking and not really truly wanting a third because of all my reasons. I just wish I could switch the feeling off.
Oh wow what a surprise! That must have been such a happy shock.

I have similar feelings as you OP and have done since DC2 was born when I was 35. (He is now 6!). However in balance I don't think I could do it again (and beleive me I have considered it at length). Apart from anything DH was not thrilled at the thought, but also I think the anxiety of another pregnancy would floor me and mean I was mentally absent from my existing two. It doesn't make it easy as I have never felt 'done' and it occupies my thoughts a lot.

@Emmapeeler1 yes that's exactly it. I feel there is too much to risk. If the decision went wrong it could negatively impact my two existing dc. Thank you for your honesty, I think another pregnancy would be too much of a strain for me too as I found the last one so difficult as it Everytime I hear of people having a third I get a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel abit conflicted even though in my head I'm not really!
I think for me to have had a third I would have had to have had my first dc younger and had a larger gap between one of them as 3 pregnancies close together would for sure floor me too!

Yeah me too OP, 're third pregnancies. It can really affect me and I have to pull myself together. I would say about half of my close friends with 2DC feel like this so it's really common. I think feeling done may be a myth.

What I try to do is focus on all the nice things I can do with my existing kids that I wouldn't be able to do with a new baby. Even just lying in bed reading to one of them I really appreciate because I remember how difficult it is to do that when a baby is calling you (you are still at this stage but it does get easier to spend 1:1 time with kids!)

@Yesterdayforgotten.. i think it's a natural feeling to want more. The whole baby thing is just so powerful and like you say, being a woman is so hard. You can't just switch off that ticking clock! I just wish i could turn the clock back 5 years then i'd force myself to ttc more. It's the guilt you see. I worry that DS will have to cope alone when we're old. But i know i couldn't go thru it all again and as a pp says kids are bloody expensive! We just wanted to be able to give DS the best life we could

Thanks @Emmapeeler1 I'm pleased I'm not the only one! It must just be normal than. That's a very good mindset to have. I look forward to the days where things become less relentless and will focus on that and not trying to add to the mayhem!

When I was in labour with my only ds.

@BooseysMom I know I wish it would switch off, it is crazy how disconnected my mind and body are at times! I wish my body would listen to my mind and all my reasons for not wanting a third!
That must be extremely difficult but as you said you are giving your DS the best life and who knows what a sibling would have brought. They may not have even gotten on! I think there will be lots of grandchildren in the future for you instead and at least with those you will get all the nice bits and get to give them back again!

PrincessHoneysuckle I forgot those feelings and had another! I think nature has a way of tricking you when time goes by! Just why do we put ourselves through it!

@Yesterdayforgotten..we've already educated him on finding a lovely partner and having his own family! He's only 6! He'll prob rebel the way i did. It took me years to grow up and I've always been 10 years behind everyone!

@BooseysMom great and sensible idea! I'm sure one day he will. Things sometimes may seem like they haven't worked out at the time but have a habit of falling into place later

Being diagnosed with premature menopause in my 30's. Being an only child myself I never wanted to have just the one, but that's what happened.