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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Plea for help and similar stories

28 replies

BooseysMom · 13/12/2019 13:04

So, i have a DS aged 6. My only. Had him at 41. I'm 47 now and as the time passes, i have to come to terms with DS being an only. We tried for years but things were never right, my DH got ill, we didn't have our own house, always something plotting against us at every turn. Then finally we have our own house, a 2 bed, and i'm too old! So i would love to hear stories of how things worked out for you as a one-child family. I thought i had finally made peace with it but obviously i hadn't. What set this off was another thread where someone posted that with a sibling you have someone to share memories with. That kind of punched me in the stomach as i hadn't thought of that. Is it really that important to have siblings?

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Finfintytint · 13/12/2019 13:10

No, it’s not important to have siblings. Many siblings don’t get on in childhood and also adulthood.
We had one child. Plenty of friends social life and he certainly didn’t miss out.

Mumdiva99 · 13/12/2019 13:11

No it's not really important to have siblings. It's important to be loved and be safe, and have your needs taken care of.

It would be nice for your child to have other people they can rely on - but that can be friends or family. And remember families don't always get on.

Enjoy the child you have, don't stress about the ones you don't have.

Sadik · 13/12/2019 13:27

Like others have said, lots of siblings don't get on! Encourage your dc to build good relationships with cousins / aunts / uncles etc and to form strong friendships, those will always be with him.

I'm an only child who has an only myself, and I've never found it an issue (& I'm 50 now).

One issue that is often raised is what happens in later life. While obviously I'm the only one there for my elderly DPs, in many ways I think I have it easier than my friends whose siblings argue amongst themselves over what happens with elderly parents, or who have to take on 99% burden while getting 'helpful suggestions' from the other side of the country.

Original poster

BooseysMom · 14/12/2019 18:00

Thank you everyone for your replies and help. Feeling better now. When i look at DS i truly feel blessed. After 2 mc's i thought it would never happen. I just need to be grateful i've got him. I hardly ever see my half bro and only ever reminisced with him when DM passed away. I hope DS finds someone special in his life. It's all we can hope for really.
Thanks again x

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StayClassySally · 14/12/2019 18:56

I don't have siblings and neither does DD. I desperately wanted siblings and always promised I would have more than one. DD is now 8 and I have made peace with her being an only.

Having another child is not always better for them. We decided that our quality of life is far better with one and it's not something I am willing to jeopardise on a 2.4 children family belief that more is better. DD is happy and secure.

My parents have siblings and hate them. You can put yourself through everything to give your child a sibling and then find out that they were happier as one.

BooseysMom · 15/12/2019 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BooseysMom · 15/12/2019 13:33

No it's not really important to have siblings. It's important to be loved and be safe, and have your needs taken care of.

@Mumdiva99..So true. I at least can ensure this with just one!

While obviously I'm the only one there for my elderly DPs, in many ways I think I have it easier than my friends whose siblings argue amongst themselves over what happens with elderly parents, or who have to take on 99% burden while getting 'helpful suggestions' from the other side of the country.

@Sadik.. this i do get. Although i'm not strictly an only i have a half sibling i rarely see and the care of my elderly DF is left to me while i get helpful suggestions from his wife. I work part-time and have a young DS but somehow it's seen as my unpaid job . At least by not having siblings we can avoid this sort of shit happening!

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christma5 · 15/12/2019 13:39

I am an only child and I'm not going to lie there were times I wished for a sibling but for the most part I was happy. My parents were able to provide me with everything I could of possibly needed and we did holiday with friends etc so I wasn't lonely. I did have cousins to play with growing up too. As it happens I have gone on to have more than one child but that is down to me wanting more rather than feeling like they needed siblings.

Original poster

BooseysMom · 16/12/2019 18:42

@christma5... thanks for your input. I'm glad you were mostly happy with being an only. I am too and i was a happy child but i think only because i had dogs to play with. They were my friends. I worry DS hasn't got a dog. It's hard work as we have to be his playmates as well as parents but apart from just now when he had a strop because i wouldn't play frisbee in the house(!), he seems happy

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Candlecandle · 16/12/2019 23:21

I read an article a while ago about only children and those with siblings and an only child said that they always knew they were the absolute light and centre of their parents life- not the same if there are two or more of you!! I thought that was really special.

Original poster

BooseysMom · 17/12/2019 19:18

@Candlecandle.. aah! That is really touching and helps me alot, thanks

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Fishfingersandwichplease · 17/12/2019 21:18

Tried for a 2nd child for 3 years after DD was born but my body had other ideas as l went into early menopause at 38. Not sure l will ever really get over the fact l could never give her a sibling and l find myself overcompensating by going away with other people with kids and having friends for sleepovers etc but ay the same time l want her to enjoy her own company and not rely on others for entertainment. Told myself if l got to 40 wothout having another child l would let it go and just be grateful for what l have got...truth is l still sometimes wish l had been able to have another one (apart from when she is playing up of course!).

Lordfrontpaw · 17/12/2019 21:25

I was lonely as a child - and I actually have quite a few siblings! Mum was an only child, as is DS.

In an ideal world, I’d have a big house, not work and have the health and patience to have a few kids (but it’s not exactly good for the planet is it?).

DS is pretty happy and never asked for a sibling (quite the opposite). He has good friends, gets on well with people and (if I may say so) is a pretty great teen.

Some people will make dumb comments - just ignore them - and as for the whole ‘and old child is weird/selfish’ well I have one of each of those among my many siblings! These tend to be spoilt and indulged children, and an only child won’t necessarily be brought up that way.

Original poster

BooseysMom · 20/12/2019 20:35

@Fishfingersandwichplease..thanks for the post. Sorry to hear that you couldn't have a 2nd child.

@Lordfrontpaw... totally agree re. the spoilt child comments..my mum used to come out with that one! I'm kind of an only as i have an older half bro i rarely see and we don't really get on. I def wasn't spoilt.. quite the opposite in fact. Your DS sounds like mine. He def isn't interested in having a sibling!

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ChristmassySpice · 20/12/2019 20:42

I'm a lone parent with an 8 year old DD. We have an amazing relationship. I had her when I was 40. Split with her Dad 18 months later. Assumed I would meet someone else within a year or so and have another child. It never happened. I mourned for a few years. I really wanted to be pregnant again. Have another baby. Breastfeed. When I hit 46 or 47 I knew that was it really.
Now, I'm glad. I think / feel it was destined to just be me and DD. I can pour all my love and attention into her. And her me.
I felt like an only child. I did have a sister, but sadly she died. I loved looking after my baby sister when I had her. But I accepted her death, and as a result, I've become a very resilient adult (and as an older child was happy playing on my own)
I hope that helps. It can be a positive thing for sure.

Original poster

BooseysMom · 21/12/2019 19:21

@ChristmassySpice..thank you for your post. It must be hard to come here and tell us about your baby sister. I'm so sorry. I'm like you in that i wanted to be pregnant again and to feel the whole maternal bond through bf. But now I have to tell myself that bond is still here with DS. Just because he's growing up doesn't mean it's gone. And like you say you can give 100% to your child with just one. I feel i wish i could just rewind the time i was pregnant and the early years more than having another. But there's a lot to be thankful for with one

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ChristmassySpice · 21/12/2019 21:47

@BooseysMom I totally get you. And I don't think it will ever go away. I think if I'd been a Mum in my 20's and had more time to have more kids I wouldn't be feeling like this now, but gosh it's hard when you feel so much and want it again so badly.
Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

Original poster

BooseysMom · 22/12/2019 14:39

@ChristmassySpice..thank you . Happy Christmas to you and your loved ones and a happy New Year x

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Lizsmum · 22/12/2019 14:50

I'm an only child, my daughter is an only child and my granddaughter is an only child. We are all very happy and have loads of good friends. If we have ever wished for siblings it has been a passing thought, not a serious wish. There are so many advantages, as PPs have pointed out. My daughter often says how lucky she is that she and I have a brilliant relationship as she does with her own daughter. Enjoy your child!

ChristmasFete · 22/12/2019 15:06

Hey @booseysMom I remember speaking to you in the past about this issue and you were so kind and helpful. Sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

We've made the decision to only have our son. This is a very recent decision, after a couple of stressful losses this year.

If you're on Facebook I found a couple of great groups (they're private so you can post knowing no one in real life will read it). If you type in one and done a few come up and one is specifically for those who wanted another child but it didn't happen.

Lots of wonderful positive ways to look at the situation and be thankful, I find it quite helpful.

Hope you have a fab Christmas.

richtea12 · 23/12/2019 16:10

Glad to find this thread as I am at risk of becoming obsessed about having not provided a sibling for my DS, 5. It's seems pretty much everyone has two or more and I am always thinking about it. It's hard because it wasn't a joint decision, my DP didn't really want any and when we had one said he didn't want any more so it's caused a lot of arguments and resentment. I hate the only-child stereotypes but it's does seem sometimes like my son is so much more loud than other children and seems to want to get their attention all the time. Is this normal?!

Original poster

BooseysMom · 24/12/2019 20:49

@ChristmasFete..thanks so much for saying i was helpful to you. That's lovely to know. I am feeling better about things now..it was horrendous pmt that made me so sad. I'm sorry to hear about your losses. You are right about focussing on the positives. Thank you for your post..happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year x

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Original poster

BooseysMom · 24/12/2019 20:53

@Lizsmum.. thank you. That's wonderful to hear your positive experiences of being an only child, also your daughter and granddaughter. It makes me feel alot better! You are so right, there are advantages and i'm starting to realise it at last. Happy Christmas and a great New Year x

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FromTheAllotment · 24/12/2019 21:06

I’m an only, my husband is an only with no cousins and my cousins are funeral-and-wedding type friends. It’s fine. I have amazing friends, I’m emotionally and socially fine, I have great relationships with my parents.

If there’s something I think my parents did right, I think it’s that they didnt make me the absolute centre of their world. They both adore me and never let me feel anything other than rock solid about how much they loved me. But they had their own hobbies, interests, etc- I think that helped with not (I don’t think ) being spoilt.

Mummyshark2018 · 24/12/2019 21:18

I have an only but I'm one of 6, dh is one of 2. My dc has 2 cousins that are only's also and unlikely to have siblings. She also has other cousins that are sibling groups. I couldn't have anymore neither could both SIL's due to different reasons (infertility & mc's). My dc asked for a sib occasionally but has mostly stopped (she's 8). There's pros and cons of both ime. As a family we do things that I never got to do as a child due to money and practicalities. I'm only 36 now so once I got over the fact that there wouldn't be a second I tried to embrace it and make the most. We are very lucky that we have no money worries, we work flexibly does no extended care needed, and can travel the world, travel back to see family, give her access to music lessons, clubs etc and also take her to things that we also enjoy- meals out, theatre and concerts.

I do love all my sibs and we have great memories but I know so many people who don't. My DM was one of 6 and she and her female sibs fell out over my DGM's end of life care (the brothers didn't get involved). It was horrendous and my DM feels very alone now and hasn't spoken to her sisters in 2 years. Siblings don't necessarily mean a life long of happy memories. Support your child to have good relationships with cousins, friends etc and they will be fine.

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