Does anyone relate to these reasons of having one child?

[DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews]

Hello all. My husband and I have a 2 year old who we adore. We said before our child we'd have two children if circumstance allowed. Recently we've both admitted to liking the romanticised idea of another child, but being tempted to stick with our one child family as we're happy. Kind of a head versus heart situation.

The reasons being as follows, and I'd love to know (if you don't mind sharing of course), if any of these resonate with your decision to stop after one child, as everyone I know in RL was resolute on one from before their child was born.

• would be high risk due to placental abruption with our first; our birth experience was awful and this scares both of us despite reassurance from consultant I'd be monitored
• because of the above I can see me being anxious the entire pregnancy. Our child loves climbing on me for cuddles and play (and I love it!). I'd feel terrible having to tell a small child no due to high risk pregnancy (PA can be triggered by blows) and worry this could lead to depression
• severe pnd made the first year a blur for me, I was at the point of therapy and I called the Samaritans at one stage
• we've found a great groove; our child's happy, we're happy, I'm off ADs, our marriage is getting back on track and we don't want to jeopardise our relationship or the happy vibe in our home - we feel thankful our child and I are now fine
• we can give our child everything they need, and we're aware children get more and more costly. We aren't well off by a long stretch but not having another means exciting travel, hobbies etc for all of us are achievable (I wish I was a selfless, love is all you need type, happiest at home with children all day but I'm not!)

Sorry for lengthy post and hope it isn't annoying having yet another "second child" post here; but as you can see we're really considering not doing it! Any thoughts would be great.

Your dilemma does seem to come down to head vs heart. If you were utterly convinced by your very reasonable list, you wouldn’t still be thinking about it, and posting here.

In a similar situation (where I am all heart wanting another child and husband very sensibly all “head” thinking we should stick at one) it was getting so stressful thinking about it that we agreed to take the idea of another child completely off the table for another year. As in, I wouldn’t mention it, wouldn’t drop hints, and even on an internal level would try and focus on being happy with how things are now rather than “what if”s. It has been wonderfully freeing. At the end of our year we will discuss it again properly. I think I’ll atill feel the same to be honest but it might make the decision easier to take the pressure off. Why not wait a bit? Does it have to be now?

Hi thanks @Magpiefeather that's a good approach you and your husband are taking. I'm glad it's been positive for you.

Yes that's a possibility for us. The only reason we aren't waiting longer to decide is because my consultant told me we should do it before I'm 35 due to my risk factors with what happened before. I'm 33 this year so aware it needs to be in the next 1.5-2 years max really.

They sound pretty good reasons to me.
One of the main reasons I think I don't want to have another is I also had severe PND when he was born- I was hospitalised for 3 weeks in a mother and baby mental health unit-
Also and I don't like admitting this to people as I worry they will judge me as lazy - but kids are hard work! And I want an easy life!

@ReturnofSaturn thanks for your reply, sorry to hear your suffered with the dreaded PND too, it's vile.

I totally hear you, to be honest I feel the same! It is hard work and I already suffer guilt from not being the mum I hoped I'd be (probably a pnd hangover) and I'm reasonably sure I'd feel even worse with another as I do like a tidy house, and a bit of quiet and order to things.

For us it's HG (I don't want to miss 8 months of DDs life with my head down the loo) and risk.

We have one beautiful perfect child, I'm still in one piece (labour was shit, but less shit than most of my NCT group, just gas and air in the pool, the tears healed eventually), and we feel like we don't want to roll the dice a second time.

It's probably silly because in all likelihood everything would be fine again, but coupled with the HG we've decided to stick at one.

We're also very luck that she has a close cousin less than a year younger, so don't feel like she's 'missing out'.

We did originally plan on having two.

As someone who has an awesome two and a half year old until bedtime releases the kraken, I just couldn’t do this again.

He was a great baby - he’s a great toddler but in the last month I can only describe him as an absolute shit at bedtime. He had wobbles after turning two but it got better. Over Christmas, and I don’t know why because nothing changed routine wise that much, he just won’t go to bed unless someone is sitting up there. He can scream for half an hour if we leave him. Then he started coming in our bed at night which we’ve had to knock on the head as it was ok at 4am but very much not ok at 11pm...

Once we’re out the other end of this I just cannot imagine going through sleepless nights and sleep regressions again. It would just break me in two.

I had PND. I was lonely and isolated and struggled at first. I got better but I still have raging anxiety these days. As he gets bigger I know it’ll get easier, and bring new problems I’m sure, and I look forward to all the things we can do as the three of us. He won’t be on his own as he has loads of family round him.

Plus we have a mortgage and I have a car loan... I found it hard enough on Mat leave last time; I don’t think I could afford 9 months off this time.

Ds is a fab kid in the daytimes -he’s funny and chilled and loving. Bed time is fucking hell on earth right now and I just dread it every single night. He was awake till nearly nine last night and was up at five. He slept 12 hours a night from six months to two years and now we have a lark it seems.

Sorry turned into a moan there!! I love the idea of another but I just cannot imagine it.

@DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews I share your reasons for not wanting a second. The first year with my daughter was really tough, coming through it was such a relief and the thought of going back there was terrifying. We started to get on track and now have a lovely life that I don't want to compromise. Mentally I don't think I would cope doing it again and juggling two, I want to be the mum I am now for my daughter and I just wouldn't be. I love that our one gets all our attention (and she loves it!) and that we'll always be able to support her with everything, including financially. It's ok to want a relatively calm and tidy house (I do too!), I always thought things like that sounded a bit trivial but they do matter. Best of luck with your decision. It is fine to say one is enough .

Of course your reasons are valid, and I recognise the find your groove as a family part.

We do have 2 dc but dd1 was almost 5 when dd2 arrived and it was perfect for us. As dd1 got older I wanted a sibling for her and realised I also did want another dc.

But at 2, I was definitely of the one and (probably) done mindset!

There is no right or wrong, if you are happy with your only that's great because you are happy with your choice

we feel like we don't want to roll the dice a second time

That’s my reason for only having one child too. I had a bad labour followed by EMCS and I have permanent damage. The last thing I need is to roll the dice again and end up with even worse injuries.

We just feel complete with one.
We have no string reasons why we’d have another except society seems to expect it and if we’re really not that into having another we don’t think we should. Its a little human being we’re talking about not a toy/pet for our existing child or a lifestyle accessory.

IMO you should only have a child if you really want one (accidents excepted).

I think that sounds very understandable.

Nobody needs reasons to have another and another.

If you are happy with one, then go with it.

My older daughter loves her sister but she still reminisces about the time when it was just her....

Your reasons sound similar to why I’ve been on the fence (my placenta also abrupted and I’d be anxious an entire pregnancy, we’ve found out groove and financially one child would be easier) and until recently I’ve seriously thought at just keeping to our ond amazing DD but in the last couple of months I’ve increasingly felt I wanted another baby and I’m not quite “done yet”. I also saw our family as 4 of us and I can’t get past that.
I used to want 3 but after my pregnancy and birth I feel like I’d be very lucky with 2 and couldn’t put myself through it a third time or take that chance. I do plan on asking for mental health support during my pregnancy though as although I didn’t experience pnd I think I had some ptsd symptoms and I know I’ll be highly anxious if I become pregnant again

Your 'no' list is here- what is on your 'yes' list? Just because you said you wanted 2 before having 1 isn't much to counteract your reasons now for not wanting another. Do you feel like your heart desires another baby and you'd regret not having one?

I never wanted any kids. Had been married 7 years and took eye off the ball. I knew as soon as I found out I was pregnant I’d only have 1. Never been maternal, struggled with the little kid stay. He’s 16 now and he’s phenomenal. Our relationship is fabulous.

@fruityb Had the same with my DD at that age. Out of nowhere had to sit with her every night until she was asleep. It could take hours. It did pass eventually, but I'm also not doing it again .

Thank you all for your replies, it's really helpful to get an insight into how other ladies feel about this.

It's hard to explain why it's not an innate "one and done", I am not a baby person, I don't want another baby but like the idea of another child (including as an adult) in our family dynamic. We're not sure if that's enough reason. I agree very much with the rolling the dice again comment. I just wish we felt strongly either way. Perhaps risking leaving it until our child is at school and I'm just over 35 to reassess would be sensible. I think asking for help from the ante natal mental health team a previous poster said they would do is a very sound move.

I don't really know what my point is, sorry, just putting thoughts down I guess. Really appreciate your replies, thanks.

It's a very difficult decision to make, either way if you do the 'wrong' thing you'll be left either massively under- resourced emotionally and physically, or left feeling sad for dd and yourselves and like theres a hole in your family a few years down the line. It's a harder decision than the first ime, because now there's a real person who will be impacted by the choice rather than an imaginary one. Fwiw, I had another and I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty. Because the eldest got less attention, because the youngest got less attention than the elder did at each age. But now they're nearly 5 and 1.6 yrs they really interact with each other and do love each other. If I hadn't gone for no 2 I'd have been none the wiser and still thinking they may have hated each other. But had I not I think I'd be feeling lot of worry that eldest would be happier with a sibling. I didn't have your health worries though in regards my first pregnancy so that'd be a big factor. But on the whole I'm glad I did, I knew there'd be no third and although some days I'm dying for a newborn to snuggle again we can neither afford another one nor should we have one so DH's had the snip, takes it off the table and now I can't I'm not really thinking about it.

@RDMummy it’s enough to put me off quite honestly. It’s 2am and we’ve been trying to get him back to sleep for nearly an hour. I will then be awake for a further half hour at least because I won’t be able to relax.

I am so looking forward to destroying his sleep when he’s a teenager... I will be yelling lay down at 2am at him... 😈

It's so hard @fruityb. Same here, I got so anxious about how tired I was going to be the next day I couldn't get back to sleep. Hang in there, it will get easier (then you can plot your revenge)

Hi
Literally could have written the same post .
I also had a placentae abruption .was awful and had pnd/ still recovering
Im petrified to get pregnant again as that was also not great either and idea of what could happen at the birth again makes me too anxious.
Plus all the other reasons you posted I also agree with .
Our LO is 13 months and it's great, very active ,funny but exhausting. Also not a baby person!!so don't want to start again. !
We are in late 30s so if was going to have another would have to be soon. Which I'm no way physically or mentally ready too
I know truly I'm done with one and actually like the idea of it being the 3 of us .
I know OH toys with the idea of another but more for him to have a sibling mainly. But fully understands my fears.
My main concern is that make sure when he and we are older he doesn't feel we are his responsibility as can be alot for one person .

@DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews... i totally relate to your post. We just have one as well. He's 5 and the light of our life. I really applaud your decision to only have a second if circumstances allow and our experience is that they haven't allowed. We had DS later when I was nearly 41 and were trapped in really unsuitable and unhealthy (for anyone let alone a child) rented accommodation. It has only been the last year that we had a lifeline with a chance of our own (well part-owned) home and a second child never happened although we sort of tried. I'm nearly 47 and am now learning to accept this. You are right that one DC will mean less expense and more time spent focussing on one. A teacher posted on One Child Families that some of the most articulate and well balanced children she teaches are onlies. That has stayed with me. I think it's wonderful and has a great deal going for it x

@fruityb... you wrote "As someone who has an awesome two and a half year old until bedtime releases the kraken" ( sorry i can't get my phone to highlight text!)... Well that is exactly how DS is and he's 5! We tried and tried to get him in his own room and eventually gave up. He now sleeps with me while DH sleeps in his bed!! This is most likely the main reason why we never had a 2nd. Great form of contraception! I'm just plain exhausted esp being older and the thought of doing it all again gives me nightmares!

Could have written the OP. Feel exactly the same and only ponder the should we have another question because most people seem to, I have siblings and feel guilty not allowing DS that experience.

All of my own feelings support sticking at one and DH feels the same. We approach it as review our feelings every six months or so to check we are on the same page. As time goes on it's less likely we would decide to try but we aren't totally closing the door in case we decide we want another child! Echo the thought that it's not to be taken lightly, a whole new life! I'd rather keep the balance we have in life now and focus on doing a good job of raising one lovely child to be a decent adult.

Another thing I think is that Ihave friends with two or more kids and honestly I think they seem to follow a biological urge to keep having newborn babies to cuddle. Not trying to offend anyone it's just an observation. What I'm thinking is that your reasons to not rock the boat etc are really valid, and choosing to have more than one isn't necessarily the right decision. Sorry for the waffley post!

Oh my @booseysmum that’s what I want to avoid!!

Touch wood we haven’t had any drama tonight - I sat in his room
and he fell asleep in five minutes. I did give in and let him in our bed this morning as I didn’t fancy a five am wake up call and then I had to wake him up at 7! Feel much fresher today.